Gransnet forums

AIBU

Is it usual to go off sex at 65

(108 Posts)
Clakka Tue 27-Feb-18 21:19:28

I’m 65 and my husband is 71. We have a great family with 8 grandchildren. Our granddaughters are like friends and I love to go out shopping with them and they can talk to me about anything. I go to the gym, I do voluntary work and I have lots of lovely friends who would probably say I look pretty good for my age. My husband plays golf, keeps pretty fit and we have wonderful holidays together. However, I am not a bit interested in sex anymore. It’s a kind of “been there done that” . I would rather go to bed with a good book. I love my husband and we’ve been married for 45 years. He is still attractive but like many 70 year olds spends most of the time looking for his glasses or phone while moaning about the government. We had a wonderful sex life until about 12 years ago but sometimes in the press it appears that we should all be doing it forever. My husband thinks I’m not normal even though we still cuddle and are affectionate to each other. Viagra has always seemed a curse to me as it just prolongs something that should naturally disappear . I can’t talk to my daughters or my friends about this but I would love to know if this is unusual,

Iam64 Tue 27-Feb-18 21:24:03

I don’t believe it’s unusual or unacceptable. I’m not saying it’s right for everyone but I don’t see it as any kind of failure

Bridgeit Tue 27-Feb-18 21:37:19

Clakka, I think the ‘experts ‘would say there is no normal or unusual. But they don’t really know what to say when it becomes a difference in desire.
I would say it’s not at all unusual, many things change our desires health, boredom, tiredness, or purely just simply gone off ‘it’ as in going off foods you used to love.
The problem is what to do about it when there is an imbalance, talking openly, setting aside special time with a cosy meal & drink or the age old grin & bear it! Not much help I know ,but you are not alone,I think staying a bit cuddly & affectionate can help & even if there aren’t any fireworks,you may find an occasionall glowing ember😉

M0nica Tue 27-Feb-18 21:40:23

Everyone is different as is every relationship. The people writing in the press are, mainly well under 60, so what do they know about it? Anyway, It has been reported that younger people are having less sex than in the past as they are too tired. They feel guilty and they want us to feel guilty as well

Ignore everything you read about sex. 90% is lies because most people exaggerate both frequency and prowess.

Your relationship is personal and you do what you are both happy with. No one is going to ask you to fill in a questionnaire or put questions on the Census.

Luckygirl Tue 27-Feb-18 22:22:39

There is no "should" - please remember that.

Greengage Tue 27-Feb-18 22:43:23

I agree with Bridgeit, the problem is when there is an imbalance between a couple.

Nelliemoser Tue 27-Feb-18 23:11:54

*Clakka I have not had any interest in sex for a long time. And I cannot see that changing. I am sure we all have very different degrees of libido. And our hormones are responsible for that. There is no such thing as Normal where this is concerned.

Deedaa Tue 27-Feb-18 23:20:56

We haven't had sex for nearly 10 years (I'm 72 DH is 70) because of DH's illness. We are happy without but I wouldn't have minded if our sex life had gone on a bit longer.

Day6 Tue 27-Feb-18 23:25:12

I know there are lots of medications which can affect libido. I have friends in their 50s and 60s who no longer want or need sexual intercourse. Two,with husbands in their 60s on Viagra, say their desire is almost constant and they feel like (barren) brood mares to be used rather then women who should be wooed and are desirable.

It's a shame the cosy contentment, love and companionship of old age isn't enough for some. If you have no desire for sex I don't think you should feel obliged to "lie back and think of England". We are all different and there is no normal in the bedroom. I am not sure what the answer is though.

cornergran Tue 27-Feb-18 23:47:02

You are perfectly normal, we all are, there is a range of responses to a sexual relationship at any age. I agree, the issue isn’t that you are comfortable without a sexual relationship it is that your husband’s views differ. Neither of you is right or wrong, you are just different. There’s no easy answer, it is perfectly possible to show love and affection without sexual intercourse. Please don’t feel pressurised.

SparklyGrandma Wed 28-Feb-18 03:32:33

My goodness Day6 that sounds like a nightmare, your friends having to endure viagra taking husbands.

An idea, where there is an imbalance, why isn't research looking into a ''dampening down'' drug?

You know, so men can keep it in check if they need to?

Bridgeit Wed 28-Feb-18 07:44:41

What a brilliant idea Sparkly,

NanKate Wed 28-Feb-18 07:51:22

During the war men had bromide put in their tea which dampened down desire. I bet you could get it through Amazon now. hmm

I’m not meaning to make light of this thread, which is an issue for many couples.

Bridgeit Wed 28-Feb-18 08:03:38

Ohh yes NanKate, I had forgotten that, didn’t there always used to be jokes about it ( back in the day!)

sodapop Wed 28-Feb-18 08:24:50

Totally agree with MOnica whatever is right for both of you. Love does not equate with sex that's only part of a bigger picture.

Coolgran65 Wed 28-Feb-18 08:45:44

Clakka - I'm wondering is it totally a lack of desire/libido, or is part of it the discomfort (I know it hasn't been mentioned) of dryness?

I do think that age does have an effect on libido and performance. DH and I are still active but not like it was a few years ago. I'm quite happy at fortnightly and it seems to suit both of us. However, just a few months ago was 'thinking of England' because of discomfort/dryness, even with KJ. Replens helped a lot and of course KY is still a good friend.

Also, although I might find sometimes that I'm just 'going along with it' ..... generally an ember does get kindled but it takes a bit longer to get the fire going ... as opposed to the inferno of youth smile

One thing, my dh does know that I can feel a bit tender and knows to be gentle.

Men do not escape unscathed through the aging process and penetration is not always as it used to be and is not necessary. However, there are other ways and means. Indeed sometimes if my fire is too slow to burn I help dh along by one of the other 'ways and means' .

Nanawind Wed 28-Feb-18 08:58:23

If it's vaginal dryness that is part of the problem, I get YES off the internet I find it more helpful than Replens or KYJ. You can also if you have a good doctor get it on prescription mines not. There are 2 types one to use everyday and one just before sex. These have helped me a lot no soreness or discomfort.
Just put in google Yes vaginal dryness not just Yes as that is a rock group and they may not be able to help.

MissAdventure Wed 28-Feb-18 09:27:00

grin

storynanny Wed 28-Feb-18 09:30:23

For the discomfort I get vagifem on prescription, just enough small dose of hormone to keep the dryness at Bay.
I think I’m fortunate to been in synch with my partner re dwindling sex lives! We met in our late 40’s and were very very active after both having years of no sex ( divorce/widowhood) However now in our early 60’s we would rather have a hug and read a book, only occasionally feeling the need for more. We both think it is normal.
It must be very difficult though if your needs are not matched.

Craftycat Wed 28-Feb-18 10:15:48

You can't win on this one. My DH went off sex completely following a diagnosis of Bi-Polar in his late 40s & has not regained his libido at all. Probably due to the amount of drugs he has to take.
It breaks my heart as I would still love a sex life but that's life.
He has no interest at all.

Peardrop50 Wed 28-Feb-18 10:21:29

DH unfortunately has prostate gland removed following cancer diagnosis 3 years ago. He lost his desire but endearingly was concerned about my needs which have dwindled recently, ironically his desire seems to be returning in line with my decline!
I suppose I will have to make a little effort when necessary as he has for me over past few years.
I do think we all have increased and decreased libido throughout life which doesn’t always line up. The important thing is to talk about it. Be as unselfish as we can but not to make ourselves uncomfortable.
Lots of cuddling and affection to make our partner feel loved and wanted on both sides is the most important imho.

Maccyt1955 Wed 28-Feb-18 10:35:30

As readers have said...there is no ‘normal’. However, it can be a problem when there is a mismatch in desire. There are many ways of having sex...could you come to a compromise where you sometimes cuddle and he has solo sex, another time you try something else, etc. It’s the connection and the fact that you care about his needs probably means more to him than anything. Try reading ‘Sex after 50’, available on Amazon.

driverann Wed 28-Feb-18 10:38:43

We have friends where the husband had a prostatectomy his prostate was removed and his sex life died. He shares his wife with a younger male friend who the wife visits weekly.
She confided this information to her GP who told her “ Oh that’s fine it’s not usual just unspoken.”

Coco51 Wed 28-Feb-18 10:46:24

If you’re both happy with the situation you’ve nothing to worry about. I’m 66 and OH 70 we too had great sex and sometimes still do, but infrequently. I sometimes have mild ’urges’ at totally inconvenient times but by bedtime I just want to read. OH gets very tired so neither of us mind - it’s good when we do and good when we don’t. I have to admit though, I do miss that ’tear your clothes off urgency’ from time to time and my cries of passion are just as likely to have something to do with cramp!

aquafish Wed 28-Feb-18 10:49:14

I agree with all the other comments in that there is no 'normal' and we should not be made to feel different by what we read in the media. As long as the two of you are in sync with each other and understand each other's needs that's the main thing. After nearly 40 years of very happy marriage, we too are finding it's 'few and far between' though surprisingly being on holiday seems to revive our interests!! Cruise coming up in May - yippeee!!
So enjoy your lovely family and grandchildren, Clakka, and be happy for the loving life you have.