AIBU to want to make a speech at my child's wedding

I would say - Just do it. When our son married, there were the usual speeches. Like you, my husband wanted to say something about our son. As the Father of the Bride was 'winging it', and the guests were fidgeting, and I was sitting next to the Best Man on the evening, I suggested to him that the Father of the Groom would like to say a few words too. My husband stood up and did just that: lots of smiles all round, lots of clapping, and with the guests now all 'warmed up' we moved quickly on to the Best Man's very humorous speech. BTW, the Father of the Bride thanked us as he said was nervous about his speech.

My son and his wife married on the anniversary of our wedding day. The wedding was all arranged and paid for by the bride's parents. They were careful to make sure that no one was missed out. My husband was Best Man, my son's choice and my husband felt it was a huge honour.
I did a reading during the ceremony and it was a reading that was used at our own wedding 34 years earlier. My husband(as best man) did a speech, the bride's father did a
speech. Bride and Groom's siblings witnessed the signing of the register as did the Mother of the bride. Bride's brother was also an usher.
A lovely happy wedding.

Yogo - of course your only son's wedding is a big day for you but why can't you enjoy your big day without making a speech?
Can't you simply share the happiness of the bride and groom on the day by watching them make their vows and taliking to all the guests about how happy you are?
Sorry but there seems to be a misplaced sense of entitlement here.
It's not you who is getting married, it's your son and future DIL. The attention is on them and the decisions on who or who doesn't make a speech is also a matter for them.

At my daughter's wedding to an American I said ' a few words' ..."I'd just like to say that I'm losing a daughter but gaining a huge phone bill..." Laughter ...! This was years before FaceTime etc!!! ?

Dear Yogogirl - Please take on board what most of the posters here have said. A wedding day is all about the bride. And the bride (nice girl, BUT??) has said no. End.Of.Story.
Be nice, zip it, smile for the cameras, and start banking up goodwill with her. This is the start of your relationship with the future mother of your grandchildren......

As the person who single handedly brought 2 of my children up, I would have loved to have made a speech but I wasn't asked and broad hints were completely ignored! I was a little disappointed but if I want to tell the world how wonderful my son and daughter are, there are other ways like Facebook. Maybe when we are discussing empowerment of women, we could discuss the empowerment of men on their wedding day!

I do empathise with you, I was quite surprised how emotional I became when our son married. However, my husband did make a speech on behalf of our son and it ‘brought the house down’ as he began to describe the caring, loving man we knew! Fabulous memories of a wonderful wedding. Show some of these responses to you Di L to be and she may decide to change her mind. Whatever, have a lovely day.

Yes it is their day, but DIL is being extremely selfish by excluding you, but unfortunately you do have to bite the bullet. Send your son a special card for him to read on his own on the morning of his wedding, and say all that you want to say to him personally. I know that I was so privileged when my son and DIL asked if I would like to say a few words, and I was actually able to do so without blubbing !

I would suggest you might find out about saying a verse or Bible reading during the wedding, there is always room for that, but apart from that I would bite the bullet and say nothing at the wedding.
I felt like a complete outsider at my DS's wedding - I was asked to make some floral arrangements (had to be in jam jar type containers in a kind of 'give MIL something to do' way - but I knew nothing of the colour scheme or indeed who was giving speeches.
For future peace with your DIL, just leave it and maybe give a short note to your DS to tell him how much he means to you.

Unfortunately, that's the lot of parents of the groom. But my DIL asked me to do a reading at the civil ceremony because she didn't want me to feel left out.

We went to a Cypriot wedding ( my sons best friend), they had a tradition where at the end of the British traditional speeches father of the bride n best man, anyone could also say a few words. It was lovely, no one spoke too long, but so many had known either the bride or groom since childhood that they were very personal recollections. Unfortunately you have have both bride and groom in agreement.

If your DiL-to-be has said No I think that has to be your answer.. However, I have lovely memories of my step daughters wedding which looked very traditional (beautiful bride's long white dress etc) but was great fun and where the first person to give a speech was the groom's mother who wrote an hilarious poem which got everyone laughing. A number of the guests on both sides of the family (and several generations) had travelled from around the world to be there and there was a great sense of reunion which was totally embraced by the bride and groom. A lot of very funny and enjoyable speeches which made the whole day a wonderful celebration.
I think the celebration of 2 people starting their lives together should be a celebration of family, life and love and I'd love a family wedding embracing all the people invited

Well, I must admit that it was MawBroon's observation and I agreed with it and wondered if the same could be said for the bride's family and what they may be thinking of the groom (and his mother)


Don't start off on the wrong foot, Yogogran, if you do it could be a long struggle ahead

Good observation Jalima1108, it doesn’t bode well when you add a ‘but ‘to a sentence, it makes it obvious Yoyogran, doesn’t really think daughter in law to be, is good enough for DS in my opinion.

I too thought EMTEE’s comments were a bit over the top, you just expressed it better Janea!
Yogo please don’t insist on doing what your future DiL doesn’t want. A lovely card to both of them is best I think.
Look at some of threads on the MiL/DiL relationship - you really don’t want to get off on the wrong foot. Also don’t jeopardise your relationship with DS ...

Plus I worry about a sentence starting%
“^ She is a nice girl but ...” I fear it sums up how you feel about her...^

I do hope the bride-to-be's parents are not thinking 'he's a nice boy but ......'

You have NO choice but to toe the line.
You absolutely have to unless you want to join the huge line of sad MILs on here who no longer see their sons or grand children, because they have crossed, disagreed mildly, offered an opinion, stuck up for their son in any way, to their DIL.
Of course there are exceptions and some MiL and DIL relationships are great.
Also you have to ask yourself , would I have accepted interference, opinions etc from my own MiL ?
Unlikely eh?

Their ,not there

Emtee, I agree with NotSpaghetti , she asked, she was told no, this is not about woman’s equality , it’s about the wishes of the bride. Like it or lump it, it is there day.

EMTEE
This is *why not*:

Even though as I say I would want it to be very short my dil to be has effectively said no.

If DIL-to-be had said 'That's a lovely idea' that would be fair enough. But, as other posters have said It's not about you, OP.

EMTEE These faux-formal restrictive weddings are about showing off that you care more about money and how things look (photos, talking about it to others) than how people really feel imho

What an unpleasant generalisation. Why do you think you speak for young couples couples of any age, for that matter?

As others have suggested write a letter or card saying what you want to say and address your words to them both. They will be able to keep it for years to come, words just disappear soon after they are spoken. Since the bride has said no to your request I would advise you to drop the subject.

In my opinion, you really need to respect what your DiL wants, ie no speech from you. I was actually asked as MoB to give a speech and I was too nervous, so didn’t. My husband gave a lovely speech about the bride and was also very nice about the groom.

As someone else here has suggested, do make sure you are in the photos, which will be seen long after everyone has forgotten who said what at the wedding.

The day belongs to the bride and groom. ?

I fear you risk making yourself look ridiculous yogogran , your son could be extremely embarrassed at looking like a ‘mummy’s boy “ and your DIL to be has already vetoed your idea.
Can’t you see that this is NOT the important day for you that you seem to think it is?
It is quite simply their day and yes, a “back seat”is what we take as we move up the generational ladder.
I am hearing somebody who wants this wedding day to be about her too, sadly it is not. Be satisfied that you have raised a lovely young man , who has found a loving partner for life, many people cannot even achieve that.
You are risking undermining your future relationship with the couple, her family and your friends.
“And do you remember how X’s mum got up and made that speech? I didn’t know where to look!”
Plus I worry about a sentence starting
“ She is a nice girl but ...” I fear it sums up how you feel about her...

No. Don’t do it! Think of the bigger picture.
If your DIL has already vetoed doing a speech and you deliberately ignore her wishes on her wedding day, of all days, she’s going to remember that for a very long time.
Chances are she might limit access to any future grandchildren because she already knows that you can’t be trusted to follow her wishes and your son can’t argue with that.
Don’t alienate your future relationship for the sake of your need for a bit of the limelight, otherwise you will regret it.