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AIBU to want to make a speech at my child's wedding

(160 Posts)
yogogran Wed 28-Feb-18 11:22:35

My son is getting married. Rather predictably the bride and her family seem to be making all the arrangements and I am left to take a back seat. She is a nice girl but I don't think that she has thought about this being a big day for me as well as for her family. He is my only son and seeing him happily settled is so important to me. I would love to make a short speech at the wedding to say a few things about what a lovely man he has become and how I am looking forward to seeing him settle into his new future. I suppose this is the equivalent of the father of the bride speech. Even though as I say I would want it to be very short my dil to be has effectively said no. I don't understand why her parents can make a speech about her and I can't say anything about my son. Is this really the lot of the mother of the groom?

Luckygirl Wed 28-Feb-18 11:31:20

Take this on the chin and do not mention it. I know it is hard, but it is their wedding. You have years ahead of you to get to know and love this lass and you do not want to get off in the wrong foot.

Will there be cards/telegrams read out? Maybe you could say what you want in that way.

yogogran Wed 28-Feb-18 11:54:04

I am not sure. I seem to be in the dark about it rather. But I think it is sad that the family of the bride can talk about their daughter and wish her well publicly but not the family of the groom. I do understand that no one wants the speeches to go on for ever but surely a couple of minutes should be ok. Otherwise it is just making more of the fact that it is all about the bride and not the groom. (I know the best man traditionally talks about the groom but I don't think this is the same. Risque stories from someone who hasn't necessarily known him that long, in our case from university, is not the same thing)

janeainsworth Wed 28-Feb-18 12:06:01

Accept that the wedding day is not your day.

If you want to publicly announce how wonderful your son is (and possibly seriously embarrass him in the process) why not host a pre-wedding get together with DiL and her family and make your speech then.
It’s common practice in America for the groom’s family to host a rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding itself.
We did this when DS got married in Virginia, but were not expected to make a speech.
If you do make a speech, it might be a good idea, as well as saying what a lovely young man your son is, to mention what a lovely girl DiL is and how you are so happy that he is settling down with her.

Anniebach Wed 28-Feb-18 12:32:30

When my daughters married , my husband dead, my brother made a speech on my behalf . The grooms fathers also made a speech . Perhaps the family wishes to keep to this tradition ?

MawBroon Wed 28-Feb-18 12:40:56

Don’t go there!
Even the FOB speeches saying how wonderful their little girl is can be excruciating.
Your idea sounds a million times worse.
It is NOT your day, it is theirs, and unless they have specifically asked you to make a speech I whine it is entirely out of order.

MawBroon Wed 28-Feb-18 12:42:24

I “whine”? No I don’t!
“I think” !

MawBroon Wed 28-Feb-18 12:49:58

I have just spotted that your DIL to be has said No.
That is that surely?

kittylester Wed 28-Feb-18 14:39:16

Isn't that sort of what the best man does - amongst pulling him to pieces etc?

Coolgran65 Wed 28-Feb-18 14:57:45

The only possibility I can see is if the floor is left open at the end of the speeches should anyone else which to add a word. If this was so, and you decided to avail of it, I'd keep it to only 2 or 3 sentences.... literally.... very very proud and wish you both well.

On the other hand - if bride doesn't want an official Mother of the Groom (mini) speech she may not approve of an open-floor-usage.

Whatever you do, the Bride must not be offended/upset in any way on her wedding day, it would never be forgiven or forgotten.

If I were you, I'd forget about any speech. I agree that the idea sounds nice from a Mum point of view, (it could either be great or otherwise from other folk's point of view) and if the Bride doesn't go for it, enough said.

Jalima1108 Wed 28-Feb-18 15:12:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

janeainsworth Wed 28-Feb-18 15:37:41

jalima <facepalm> as my DiL would put it grin

bmacca Wed 28-Feb-18 15:42:14

Whether you are mother of the bride or groom, I think you just have to go with whatever the couple decide they want for their wedding. At my DD's wedding, the only speeches were by the best man (groom's best friend) and the chief bridesmaid (bride's sister). I think this worked well, and my other DD is going with this arrangement for her wedding in July too.

Smithy Wed 28-Feb-18 15:49:43

Personally I would rather chew a brick than get up and give a speech to anybody. I didn't feel the need to tell everyone how much I think of my son, he already knew, that was the main thing.

Madgran77 Wed 28-Feb-18 15:53:58

I think it is a shame but that you have to go with the flow. It is their wedding! However if your future DIL is not really able to see why you might want to do this, I would be aware of potential future lack of awareness of her husband's family viewpoint.....and be prepared for biting your tongue and going with the flow whilst being supportive! flowers

Jalima1108 Wed 28-Feb-18 15:56:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jalima1108 Wed 28-Feb-18 15:57:46

At DS's wedding I spent more time trying to reassure the best man, who was very nervous before giving his (excellent) speech.

MissAdventure Wed 28-Feb-18 15:59:03

At the risk of getting told off, and with no personal experience of a child's wedding, I'm quite surprised how many parents want to 'get in on the act'.. (running away now!)

Bridgeit Wed 28-Feb-18 16:04:16

My sons would have me locked up for the duration! If you love yours leave well alone & enjoy the day 🍷🍷🍷🍷perhaps with a few of these , but not tooooo many😄

Grandma70s Wed 28-Feb-18 16:06:22

I agree, MissAdventure. One of my sons is married, and I was very grateful his in-laws did all the arrangements. I never thought of wanting to make a speech, though I’m sure they’d have agreed to it if I’d wanted to. Speeches were by my son, his wife, her father and the best man. That’s quite enough! Actually they were all pretty good.

grannyactivist Wed 28-Feb-18 16:08:49

I'm sorry to say that although I don't think that you are being unreasonable, neither is your future daughter-in-law, and at the end of the day it is her wedding and therefore it's her wishes that should prevail. You say, "She is a nice girl but I don't think that she has thought about this being a big day for me as well as for her family."

And my response would be say that seems pretty normal to me; surely that's for your son to be thinking about, not his future wife. Please try to put your disappointment to one side and delight in the day. smile

Niobe Wed 28-Feb-18 16:24:01

At our son's wedding the speeches were by the best man, FOB, FOG. The MOB and I (MOG) were asked to do a short reading. I sent my chosen reading to my Dil beforehand to make sure all was well. It was perfect and no one felt left out.

janeainsworth Wed 28-Feb-18 16:24:45

No need to run away MissA, I agree with you anyway!

It would never have occurred to either my parents or DMiL to impose their wishes on me & MrA.
Not that they got much chance as they only got 2 weeks' notice that the wedding was happeninggrin

kittylester Wed 28-Feb-18 16:37:56

I agree with you too MissAdventure.

We didn't have any of that with any of 'our' weddings. They all paid for the event themselves with fairly large contribution from us but were all very definite about how it would be.

Of course, we weren't invited to DD3'S wedding precisely so we couldn't say anything!!!

Grandma70s Wed 28-Feb-18 17:43:39

I’m glad my DIL gave a speech when she married my son. Surely the days are gone when the bride (not a word I like) sits meekly blushing while the men do all the talking? This was ten years ago!