To not tell them yet?

I had was diagnosed with breast cancer 17 months ago. We told my daughters and though worried, they were very supportive, to us and each other. I'm fine now and hope very much that you will be too, SunshineMakesMeHappy, .

It's a tricky one isn't it.
You aren't thinking straight because you are so worried.
In the end I think it's best to tell family.
All the very best to you on Wednesday and after.

Please tell them. You need support at a difficult time and that is what friends and family are there for. Don't shut them out when you need them most, although the principle of not saying until you have something to say is deeply ingrained in us mothers it seems. Good luck.

Yes, I am another who would tell my family if there was something serious which worried me. Apart from treating them as adults who can deal with it I would want their support.

Sorry should be ‘cut off’.

I understand that your daughters may be worried and this is often expressed in anger. What I find baffling is the current trend for adult children to deny their parents access to their grandchildren as a response to any family disagreement. It seems to be prevalent at the moment and ‘cot off’ seems to be the buzz word.

I hope your daughters eventually get to know how much their actions have hurt you at a very difficult time for you. I wish you all the very best for your appointment and a positive outcome.

SMMH, thank you for this post. Very interesting. I'm in the very fortunate position of never having had your experience but I have theorised the possibility often and have definitely decided I wouldn't tell anyone. I cannot see the point or sense in spreading the worry. However, I would stand this argument on its head if they were ill. My reasoning is that I have time to spare and could perhaps be of some constructive use with ??? transportation, the children, domestic chores etc. They have full and busy lives which would be totally disrupted by trying to help me. Have to say that's my theory but I freely admit it hasn't been tested. Hope things go really well for you.

I think you should share your worries with them. They obviously sense something is up and your DDs have actually expressed their hurt at your not sharing whatever it is you are worrying about with them. Good luck for Weds and with your DDs.
to you and Joelsnan.

I think I can understand the logic of ‘not sharing’. I’ve done it myself. Gone to the hospital on my own etc. Maybe it’s a form of denial, maybe it’s a ‘lucky charm’ thing but for me, going alone & for biopsy results has (so far) worked in my favour, which is why, superstitiously, I suppose I would continue this way (if necessary). I’m not saying it’s right. But it has evolved into being how I approach my medical concerns.

I've never really understood the concept of not telling those closest to you about health issues. Family should support each other at such times - yes they will be worried but it's better that they know so they can not only help you but also each other. I'm so pleased you've shared the situation with them - good luck with your appointment and I agree you should allow one or both of them to go with you.

Good luck with your appointment. I understand about not wanting to tell the children but mine get really cross and upset if they find we have been unwell and not said.
Hope all goes well

I was diagnosed with breast cancer two weeks ago. I hadn't told anyone I was going to the hospital. The nurse asked me about letting my daughter know. I said I didn't want to tell her yet as we are still grieving the death of my son, her marriage has broken down and blow me on the morning of my results appointment her nana (my ex mother in law) died. How could I add to her misery.
However the nurse asked me if the tables were turned and it was her in my position would I want to know? I said 'of course I would'. She then said I should tell her.
I have, and both she and I am glad I did.
I don't want her running around after me (unless I really need it), but holding such a powerful secret would probably have caused problems.

Having been the dd of a parent who didn't tell me or my siblings how bad things were please tell them. They can be with you for good or bad and will not be left with huge guilt that never goes away (sometimes anger) because they didn't help/know. Same has happened to my oh who's mother never told her dc what when on behind closed doors. Sometimes that stiff upper lip needs to soften and talk and ask for help as hard as it is give your children the opportunity to help. Good luck on Wednesday xx

I think you should tell them. You will benefit from their support and you must keep in mind that, although our children always feel like kids to us, they are adults. Would you want them to tell you if the tables were reversed? How would you feel if they didn’t? I know, at least one of my adult daughters would be very cross to be kept in the dark.

SUNSHINEMAKESMEHAPPY Please just tell them,we all know DC can be pains (at times) -- but they've realised you're not your usual self so just tell them. They wouldn't want you to go through this alone as you wouldn't if the situation was reversed. Thinking of you -- all the best.

I understand why you didn't want to tell them I did the same myself EVERY time I had a serious health issue and even when I went into labour I didn't tell anyone except my OH .Once I know what I'm dealing with and how I'll do that I'll let people close to me know.They have enough worries of their own so I'd rather keep it quiet until I'm sure about whats going on.The problem was you kind of let the cat out the bag so you have to tell now and be grateful for the support they offer .The GC will keep your mind occupied and give you something to smile about.I hope all goes well for you .

I fully understand your dilemma. When my DH was facing the possibility that he had prostate cancer, he didn't want a soul to know until it was confirmed. When it was confirmed, we told our daughter and no one else. This was because we were going on holiday with relatives and DH thought they would treat him differently if they knew he had cancer. That was the most difficult holiday of my life. When we eventually told the relatives we went away with, they said we ought to get Oscars as they would never have guessed. They were then wonderfully supportive. DH has had a good outcome and I'm sure you will too. Good luck.

Good luck. Glad you have support now x

Sunshine firstly very best of luck with your app on Wednesday, take one of your DD with you, long time 4hrs on your own, worrying. You can have a nice chat with your DD whilst waiting & it will form a further bond with her or them, if they both go with you.

I agree it wasn't nice, yes cruel, to be told you will not see your DGC, until you 'spill the beans' just added to your upset. Good job it's now all out in the open and your DD can help you.

You are trying to be strong, all on your own, I'm the same and I too wonder why I have not had a break down, why I cry inwardly all day [5yrs+], but outwardly I've held it back. I would like a doctor or psychologist to answer that one, as it does really puzzle me.

You say you are estranged from your m&d, that is such a shame, it was very good of you to allow your m&d to still have contact with your C, their GC. After 10yrs, can you not reconcile with them? they must be hurting, not having their DD in their lives and you are missing the love of your parents, at a time when they could be helping you and giving you the support & love that you need right now.

Good luck with it all

I did not tell my family that I was ill until I got a definite diagnosis of cancer. DH has refused to tell anyone of his illness, diagnosed a year ago. I think it really depends whether you can cope with the stress yourself.
I wish you well for your appointment.

Well done - sometimes adversity can bring people closer together. How lovely that they both offered to go to the clinic with you if you want.

Good luck with your appointment. Do let us know how it goes.

Just to come clean here! - one of my DDs went through exactly the same thing and she did not tell me till afterwards when all was well! A bit of me felt quite hurt that she had not told me before, although of course I understood her reluctance to cause me worry - so I knew how hurt your girls would be, because I have been on that side of the fence.

Good, you did the right thing I'm sure. That's what families are for ... being there for each other when needed. People generally like to be asked for help.

I hope you sleep well tonight. Best wishes for Wednesday.

Thank you for sharing, sunshine.
Please keep posting, because you will get very good support here, as lots of us have, when needed.

All the best for Wednesday

Thankyou ever so much for giving me the courage to tell them.

We face timed for about half hour and they both looked upset most of it.
They will both come with me if I want but I don't know yet if I do or not!
We made a few jokes, that's how we cope with stuff, by making it less scary I suppose.

They had a few questions which I answered as honestly as I could but I could kinda tell they wanted to talk to each other so I said my signal kept going and I'd see them tomorrow.

Oh and they knew summat was up