Gransnet forums


To not tell them yet?

(93 Posts)
SunshineMakesMeHappy Sun 18-Mar-18 16:48:06

This is going to sound garbled so I'll apologise now but I promise I'll try to make it make sense by the end!

I was quite ill about 15 yes ago and I didn't tell anyone (my children) until I knew for definite what was wrong as I just don't like to worry them unnecessarily.

I have been worried recently, for the past few months, as I've had some of the symptoms of breast cancer- nipples going inverted, like they're being pulled inward and some pain in that area on my left breast.

Anyway, I eventually went to doctors last Friday and am due at the hospital on Wednesday for the tests and stuff (they told me to allow 4 hours for appointment)

This has obviously been on my mind and as far as I can tell I've been a bit quiet and not talked as much, or been as bubbly as usual.

I have not wanted to tell my kids anything until I know for sure, although I'm doubting the wisdom of that!

I had a big argument, starting over nothing really, with my DD, and I told her
'You wonder why I can't tell you anything when you're like this with me!'
Anyway, she told my other DD, although I'd asked her not to as I knew how she'd probably react!

So my other dd was mad at me too and said I cannot see the DGC until I tell them what's up, what I'm not telling them.

For me this is the really weird part. I feel kinda numb. I was very upset when she told me but now I just kinda tell myself no and I refuse to dwell on it but I know my heart would be breaking if I allows myself to think about it.

This kinda thing happened last time in a way (ex buggered off as he couldn't cope with my news)
And I didn't deal with any of that till months later.

So it feels like that's happening now, like I'm in shock.

I just cannot tell them until I know for sure.

I have been seeing my dgc every day, and now, nothing.

Don't know what I'm asking for, just wanted to get this out of my head!

seacliff Sun 18-Mar-18 16:58:27

I think you should tell them now, because they know something is up and will be worried and imagining the worst anyway. Would you not like some support when you go to the hospital?

Also, what if the position were reversed? How would you feel if your child were in a similar position and kept this from you?

I can imagine this is a huge shock for you, and something you need time to come to terms with yourself, before you talk to others. It may all be ok anyway - fingers crossed for you, must be so scary x

GrandmaMoira Sun 18-Mar-18 17:01:47

Would your DD accept you telling them that you are having a difficult time and just can't face talking about things at the moment and promise to tell them soon.
Otherwise, would it be possible to tell them your worries and have some support at your appointment? Would it make it all seem more real if you talk about it, so keeping quiet keeps hope alive that there's nothing wrong?

Marydoll Sun 18-Mar-18 17:06:40

Something similar happened to me. I didn't tell anyone, including my DH and children that I had found a large lump. I went to the hospital appointment on my own, as I just didn't want to worry anyone.
However, my family couldn't contact me (my phone was off for hours, as I was having biopsy etc.). They were all phoning each other, thinking I had been in an accident.
All hell let loose when they eventually found out where I had been and the fact that I had no-one with me if the outcome was bad news.
I think you should tell your daughters, as they will now probably be imagining the worst.
I hope all goes well on Wednesday.

gillybob Sun 18-Mar-18 17:11:41

Oh sunshine I totally understand your not wanting to tell your children anything bad or worrying until you know for sure . I’m the same .

I know Its easy for me to say that you probably do need to share this with them and probably deep down you realise this too. I’m sad for you that you rowed with your DD but trying to keep this massive thing to yourself means your worries will be at boiling point .
Please take advice from someone just like you, who goes to the end of the earth not to worry the family...... talk to them about it.

Also don’t be frightened to unburden here on GN . You will be pleasantly surprised how kind and understanding most people are . I wish you heaps of good luck and sunshine

SunshineMakesMeHappy Sun 18-Mar-18 17:21:43

Thanks ever so much everyone, am nearly crying but doing the really unhealthy trick of keeping the lid of that box closed!

It makes sense to tell them, I can see that they probably are really worried, although they might be mad I didn't tell them sooner!

Will mull it over for a couple of hours and then maybe face time our group, as to be told in a message would be awful.

ginny Sun 18-Mar-18 17:22:12

If you generally have a good relationship with your Dds then I think you should tell them. I know my DDs would want to be able to help me through a difficult time. A good family is a wonderful thing to haveand

ffinnochio Sun 18-Mar-18 17:22:50

I would tell your children. They are adults now, and good, open communication with them, adult to adult, is the way to go.

Allow them to be adults, not children you need to protect. Allow them to be in control of their responses and reactions to your news.

What do you gain from not telling them?

I do hope your appointment goes well.

ginny Sun 18-Mar-18 17:22:50

Oops ! They look after each other.

ginny Sun 18-Mar-18 17:25:22

Oh sorry , fumble fingers.

I think you should tell them. If you generally have a good relationship with them. I know my DDs would want to know and would be upset to think they had not been able to help and support me at a difficult time.

kathsue Sun 18-Mar-18 17:27:43

I think you should tell them and hopefully they will able to support you through this illness. Isn't that what families are for?

I know you don't want to worry them but they are already worried and probably imagining the worst.

I don't it was right for your DD to try to blackmail you into telling by withholding access to your GC. That is cruel and not helping the situation.

Please try not to bottle things up, it does help to talk and I hope posting on GN has made you feel a bit better.

I wish you all the best for Wednesday. flowers

Cold Sun 18-Mar-18 17:34:08

I think you should tell them. It is already affecting your relationships with your DDs. What they are imagining, and worrying about is probably as bad or worse than the fears you are keeping from them

BlueBelle Sun 18-Mar-18 17:46:43

I think you should tell them especially as they ve partly guessed if you had kept it completely quiet that’s one thing but as they ve guessed there’s something wrong it’s unfair not to give them some information, down play it if you want say it’s just a check up to be on the safe side maybe, but at least warn them
I don’t understand the keeping you from seeing the grandkids, that’s blackmail and very divisive not a nice gesture at all, in fact cruel

sodapop Sun 18-Mar-18 17:53:49

I deal with things the same way Sunshine but my family are a long way away. Your children want to hep so let them in a little, once you have told them it will be easier. As BlueBelle says its up to you how much information you pass on but at least let them know there is a problem.
Good luck flowers

SunshineMakesMeHappy Sun 18-Mar-18 18:06:12

The thing with the grandkids has really thrown me.
I have been lc with my parents for years and nc for about the past 10.

When my DC were growing up I never stopped them seeing them or having phone calls. There were of course some set in stone boundaries, but I never stopped my DC visiting them.
Now they are adults they don't see them by choice.

So the no dgc bit has floored me really, I feel heartache at that, and I know I'm not deflecting!

So we were all very close but I really don't know how to be with them as its a very cruel thing to do a d makes me see them in a different light.

So am going to have enough to deal with without having to make sure I don't upset anyone as I know what they'll do if I do!

Its given me a right headache having to figure this all out but I've just got too much going on and I want to run away to the seaside! But I know that however far I run my problem is looking back at me from the mirror.

I like coach holidays so am going to book one within the next few months, I really want to see the northern lights!

Feelingmyage55 Sun 18-Mar-18 19:07:28

It seems from your post that they want to know what is wrong and that suggest that they also want to help. You need help at least in the short term so why not let them "love you back".

Best wishes for the outcome of both problems.

Luckygirl Sun 18-Mar-18 19:43:59

Just tell them.

You would want to know if it were one of them.

Do not make them feel they have to jump through hoops or behave in a certain way to "earn" the right to you being honest with them. Sorry if that sounds blunt, but you have to involve and trust them.

My OH was adamant that he did not want our DDs to know about his PD when it was diagnosed. I am afraid I put my foot down and said that I had no intention of pretending with my DDs, as that would be totally dishonest.

Please just tell them.

Good luck with your appointment. It is so good that they have these clinics where you go through the whole process in one go and know where you are. flowers

MissAdventure Sun 18-Mar-18 20:21:18

It probably hurts your family that you aren't sharing your worries with them, so please do tell them and allow them to support you.
I expect your daughter was trying to convey how hurtful your behaviour is by trying to 'hurt you back'.
I know what you mean by running away from problems - my daughter and I often planned 'escapes' when she was poorly. flowers

SunshineMakesMeHappy Sun 18-Mar-18 21:27:22

Thankyou ever so much for giving me the courage to tell them.

We face timed for about half hour and they both looked upset most of it.
They will both come with me if I want but I don't know yet if I do or not!
We made a few jokes, that's how we cope with stuff, by making it less scary I suppose.

They had a few questions which I answered as honestly as I could but I could kinda tell they wanted to talk to each other so I said my signal kept going and I'd see them tomorrow.

Oh and they knew summat was up

luluaugust Sun 18-Mar-18 21:39:31

All the best for Wednesday flowers

MissAdventure Sun 18-Mar-18 21:41:15

Thank you for sharing, sunshine.
Please keep posting, because you will get very good support here, as lots of us have, when needed. flowers

seacliff Sun 18-Mar-18 21:43:12

Good, you did the right thing I'm sure. That's what families are for ... being there for each other when needed. People generally like to be asked for help.

I hope you sleep well tonight. Best wishes for Wednesday.

Luckygirl Sun 18-Mar-18 22:13:11

Well done - sometimes adversity can bring people closer together. How lovely that they both offered to go to the clinic with you if you want.

Good luck with your appointment. Do let us know how it goes.

Just to come clean here! - one of my DDs went through exactly the same thing and she did not tell me till afterwards when all was well! A bit of me felt quite hurt that she had not told me before, although of course I understood her reluctance to cause me worry - so I knew how hurt your girls would be, because I have been on that side of the fence.

harrigran Sun 18-Mar-18 22:52:58

I did not tell my family that I was ill until I got a definite diagnosis of cancer. DH has refused to tell anyone of his illness, diagnosed a year ago. I think it really depends whether you can cope with the stress yourself.
I wish you well for your appointment.

Yogagirl Mon 19-Mar-18 07:44:55

Sunshine firstly very best of luck with your app on Wednesday, take one of your DD with you, long time 4hrs on your own, worrying. You can have a nice chat with your DD whilst waiting & it will form a further bond with her or them, if they both go with you.

I agree it wasn't nice, yes cruel, to be told you will not see your DGC, until you 'spill the beans' just added to your upset. Good job it's now all out in the open and your DD can help you.

You are trying to be strong, all on your own, I'm the same and I too wonder why I have not had a break down, why I cry inwardly all day [5yrs+], but outwardly I've held it back. I would like a doctor or psychologist to answer that one, as it does really puzzle me.

You say you are estranged from your m&d, that is such a shame, it was very good of you to allow your m&d to still have contact with your C, their GC. After 10yrs, can you not reconcile with them? they must be hurting, not having their DD in their lives and you are missing the love of your parents, at a time when they could be helping you and giving you the support & love that you need right now.

Good luck with it all flowers