Husband going away with friends

I've always gone away with friends- and so has he. We totally trust each other- and I think it is very healthy to have different interests, etc, rather than be constantly velcroed at the hip.

Why don't you arrange a trip with a friend or 2, or a daughter, dil - whomever- where you've always fancied going (doesn't have to be far, or expensive) and do something you've always wanted to do - be it a spa, or painting- or nothing at all.

My husband used to go away for a week's scuba diving holiday with the local club each year. I spent part of the time at home, and usually a few days visiting friends and family. One year I went to.see a friend in New York. I missed him lots and didn't like being apart, but I knew how much it meant to him.

He died 18 months ago. I am so glad he had the chance to have these special holidays. I am also glad that I got used, in a very limited way, to being alone and taking care of myself and the house for a week each year. It wasn't a lot, but it gave me a little independence and confidence which have helped with the enforced single life I now lead.

Enjoy your times together and your times apart. That was always our strategy.

DH and I have gone away separately to follow our special interests as long as we have been together. It started because DH had a job that took him away a lot at short notice for uncertain periods and he was in danger of having to give up every interest he had outside work and family, which makes for a dull and unhappy DH, so he would book occasional weekend courses and if it meant he came home from a trip abroad dumped his washing and went away for a weekend, that was fine by me.

When I developed an interest that involved some week end courses, he would sometimes come home and find me at the door suitcase in hand. He was quite happy with that.

It was never more than a few weekends a year and we had our annual holidays, which were rarely eaten into.

As we have been happily married for 50 years, it did neither us nor our relationship any harm.

Dread to think of the reaction i’d Get if I suggested going away with a friend. He would never go away by himself.

Different experiences make for good conversation between you both, do something for yourself then you can add to conversation

Hmm, well if you really, really wanted to spend time with him you could go and sit in the skiing lodge and have the evenings together. But because you don't want to do that you don't want him to go skiing either, but to do something that you want to do instead?
I know you will say that it would be something that you both want to do but if all the time he wished he was skiing it wouldn't really be a joint choice would it? It would be your choice.
I just wonder if he really, really wants to go to Cornwall or whether he goes because you like it?
I hope you're ready for the frank discussion!

Some men (most?) are not necessarily very perceptive and it sounds as if he needs to be told, in the nicest possible way how you feel, making sure you give him plenty of “wriggle room” so that it is not seen as ‘er indoors presenting an ultimatum.

I'm sure that you're right - he probably hasn't twigged it has caused a problem, but do come back and let us know how you get on. Wishing you all the best. xx

Thank you - so many different points of view! I'm sure it was my fault for not making myself clear, but thank you to those who understood that this is not at all about "allowing" him to do anything, or not having any friends or interests of my own (I have plenty of both, thank goodness!), but about us both having very busy lives and spending that quiet time together, & him having unilaterally changed the goal posts without, seemingly, any consultation with me! He is a thoughtful and loving husband in every other way, and I think he just hasn't 'twigged' that this is what has thrown and annoyed me, so I obviously just need to explain it to him better, so that he understands why I feel resentful, & to avoid me feeling so left out of the decision to shorten what has, to date, been our joint time 'away from it all' x

I am one of the minority here who thinks it is a bit unreasonable of the husband ! To me the fact of limited holiday time is the key. It is different when you are retired and have the time to pursue individual interest holidays. I would be a bit peeved like OP.

I don't think you sound spoiled at all, just concerned at this change in your life. Quite understandable. But do take the opportunity to do something for yourself. A weeks crash course in a language, architecture, archeology at a guided dig, learning a new craft. As another person said, the possibilities are endless.

It's also a good idea to have your own interests and set of friends, just in case you are ever on your own for a while and/or need your own support network.

Looking back one of the problems with the early part of retirement was that while it was lovely to have the freedom to do things together, neither of us had anything “new” to bring to the conversation.
Planning weekends away or theatre trips was lovely , talking about it afterward likewise but it was also good to be able to share things from our own life and activities.
Because of Paw’s health issues he wasn’t able to undertake much on his own but I would drive him to his Philosophy classes and the study group he ran at church and I was pleased for him that he had relationships with his own friends who were perhaps just acquaintances to me. Likewise if a man friend popped round for tea and a chat with him, ( or even a soup lunch) I would be happy to leave them to their own devices and chat.
I hope you can come to a reasonable compromise which keeps you both happy. God willing at your age you should have a few decades left to enjoy!

I am blessed with a darling husband; however, we are both retired and together most of the time, and although we have plenty of separate interests I am always very happy to wave him off on his canal-boat men-only holidays. I get to have the house to myself and it stays reasonably tidy! I can read til 3 am if I want to, or go to bed at 8 pm; I see friends, I commune with the cat, I potter in the garden - oh, it's just great. We speak or text every evening while he's away and it's ultra-lovely when he comes home, with both of us refreshed and with even more to talk about than usual.

My husband tried skiing for the first time in Obergurgl in April. The snow was wonderful but it was cold and snowing and we only saw the mountain tops one day. He found it incredibly hard and once he gave up there was absolutely nothing to do! If you did want to go at least make sure he chooses a town like Kitzbuhel with trips out to places like Innsbruck.
He now waves me off skiing and stays happily at home. I don't go every year but I am not lucky enough to find someone to go with.
Skiing is a very 'marmite' thing.
I would call it a great opportunity for you to have time to go off somewhere or just relax at home- eating what and when you want etc.

You could always try learning to ski! Not being facetious, it’s surprisingly not that hard. At least to get from one nice restaurant to another via blue runs! Obergurgl in Austria is lush, high, so good snow, and fab instructors. Food and booze to die for. Also lovely spas if you can be arsed with the skiing.

Absolutely agree that he gets to spend time with his friend skiing, giving you the opportunity to do whatever you enjoy doing. This is a healthy arrangement and one that my OH and I thoroughly enjoy - he is part of a musical group who spend time together in Suffolk each year, whilst I meet up with my sister in Spain/Devon. We live together, so why on earth would we need to spend each and every waking hour in each other's company? The time we do spend together away from home is great, but we each need our space too.

We have a holiday apartment in the Costa Blanca and I often have weeks away with friends or my sisters without my husband, although we also go together with friends or just the two of us. OH still working and I would love him to be able to take time to go away with friends. A solo holiday for you or even with a friend sounds like the way to go. As others have said put the dog in kennels and enjoy the week while he’s away.

Let him enjoy his week with friends, while you equily enjoy your free week while doing something YOU enjoy.

Thank you again to all those who have replied! Maybe I do need to be brave and book something up on my own or with a friend - I will certainly think about that. My husband and I have a great marriage, and normally take all decisions based on mutual respect for each other & their feelings, so this one issue has just thrown me a bit! I have never really travelled on my own before, so maybe I just need to ‘ Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway’ xx

Why not a foursome? Surely you have mutual friends with whom you can team up. That would give him a male to talk men's stuff with and you could all have a long weekend together.

My ex is an excellent skier, off piste, black runs blah blah. I was always on the nursery slopes with children and never learnt to be better than a low average in competence.
Now he's older golf takes up more of his free time but when we were married and he worked offshore, he used to fly off to Canada, France and Switzerland for a week or 10 days with the guys he'd been working with for weeks on end.
Now he lives in Ireland and travels to all the major golf courses which he loves.
It never bothered me because my children and I had a routine and had wonderful times together.
My now partner has no such hobbies except running which he's not obsessed with (luckily) and can occasionally drag me along too. I go away to visit my children and stay in wonderful airbnbs. Sometimes he comes with me but, as he's still working full-time and nowhere near retirement, this juggling of holidays, interests and time together, will continue.

Do you have a friend you could go on holiday with when your husband is away with his friend?

Give men an inch and they'll take a mile. I'd feel that I've agreed to one holiday apart and now he wants to be away from me every year, not just the once.
I understand your feelings. I'd feel the same. You mind that you're not being asked about how to spend his precious holiday days.
You'd like him to choose you.
Or if going with pal then ask you if you mind. Last year was a one off arrangement that I'm assuming was discussed beforehand.

I'd also feel that hubby is trying to fly under the rada. Hoping I'd not comment on him arranging the holiday. You and he have not made this an annual holiday plan.
Last year was a one off.
Nothing further has been discussed.

I'm taking this post to be about husbands lack of consultation.
Those of us who happily spend time apart have agreed to do so. No amount of spas or solo holidays will change the OP feelings of being steamrollered and overlooked by hubby and friend.
They don't need our permission, but some of us ladies don't like to be taken for granted over our agreement.

Yes you are being unreasonable and short-sighted!! Let him go...wave him off... and DO YOUR OWN THING.... isn’t there somewhere you would like to go without him and possibly with a friend?? You’re not joined at the hip!

alovelycupoftea.
A taste of ones own medicine comes to mind.
You are too young to be sitting around while DH is on a jolly. Option for you is to book a singles weekend break while DH is away or while he is not on one of them.