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AIBU

Husband going away with friends

(76 Posts)
alovelycupofteaa Mon 02-Apr-18 10:48:47

I am 55, my husband is 59, and both children are grown-up and living away from home. My husband still works and has 5 weeks’ annual holiday allowance- we usually have a week’s holiday in Cornwall in the spring, and 10 days or so in the summer - again Cornwall, for the past 3 years. He then uses a week or so up going to cricket, playing golf etc, & going on an annual walking long weekend with his 2 best friends. 3 years ago one of the friends retired, & suggested a week’s joint skiing holiday for him & my husband, both keen skiers. I don’t ski, so didn’t go as it is an expensive holiday for a non-skier, and I have spent several ski holidays getting bored in the village/hotel on my own whilst my husband and children ski. Since then, it seems to have been assumed that this will be an annual thing for them, and it is only a case of deciding when and where they go, not if.
My issue is that, now I am free from most maternal duties and could travel more with my husband, as we have always talked about, we are now being time-limited by the week he spends with his friend, leaving us only 3 weeks in total throughout the year to go away together. I totally get that he loves his skiing and wants to go, but I am really starting to resent the fact that he now assumes every year he will spend a week with his friend, and then says to me “ we can’t do X, I haven’t got the holiday left”. But I do know I am lucky to get 2 other holidays a year with him, so AIBU?!

Luckygirl Mon 02-Apr-18 10:59:23

TBH I would send him off with your blessing; and just enjoy the pother holidays that you have.

I know this will sound trite, but my OH is so sick that he could not possibly go away and enjoy himself like that - it would be lovely if he could.

It is great that your OH has a friend who shares his interest and that they are able to go and have a good time together. I do not think your resentment is appropriate, but admire your honesty in owning up to it. Sometimes it is hard to feel what you think you should!

Start planning the other holidays! Or maybe you could go away the same week and do something you enjoy.

Luckygirl Mon 02-Apr-18 10:59:49

pother?!! - should read other!

Bellanonna Mon 02-Apr-18 11:03:49

I think you are. He clearly enjoys this week away which has now become a regular event in his life. Don’t begrudge him that pleasure. Why don’t you explore some holidays you could do without him? If you have particular interests there are holidays which offer painting and walking, Botany, cooking in Tuscany, birdwatching in Iceland, in fact virtually every interest is covered and I have done many of these myself. Your husband will retire one day and you can then spend more time with him. Meanwhile enjoy the 3 weeks away, which you admit you are lucky to have, and let him have his fun, too, which he has worked hard for.

Eglantine21 Mon 02-Apr-18 11:04:15

Well, I think you are but I have never really got this we must do everything together thing. My husband spent a lot of time pursuing his favourite hobby ( which I would have hated to be anywhere near) and I did the things that I wanted that he didn't care for.

Why not do some travelling of your own while he's away? Enjoy!

Situpstraight Mon 02-Apr-18 11:17:27

Yes you are! Let him go and have some time doing something you want to do.

The possibilities are endless.

Have fun

jusnoneed Mon 02-Apr-18 11:21:42

I wish mine would go off for a week with his mates!
I have never been bothered about holidays anyway, but it would be a nice break to have the house to myself for a week lol.
He does his thing and I do mine anyway, rarely do stuff together.

Do you have someone you could have a few days away with? What's good for the goose etc...

BlueBelle Mon 02-Apr-18 11:23:19

And I too think you are being unreasonable
Being divorced and on my own it would be nice to have someone around 358 days a year (although in hindsight I think that would be way too much) if you are happy about him being with his friend for a week and not thinking he’s really taking the local barmaid then accept it and enjoy the holiday time you get with him each year you re a lucky lady most people struggle to get one holiday a year

alovelycupofteaa Mon 02-Apr-18 11:41:52

Thank you everyone - I think I knew what you were all going to say as I typed my question out! He is a wonderful husband and we have had a very happy time together/marriage for 37 years (although not without with the normal health & family worries that everyone has, of course). Thank you for your answers - I obviously am the one being unreasonable, & now it is up to me to get my head round it and wish him a happy holiday. I do like the idea of doing something myself while he is away, so I am not just at home looking after the dogs -
one of whom was quite seriously poisoned whilst he was away last time, which is why I think I found last time he was away having a lovely time whilst I was coping with that whilst also having a chest infection (neither of which were his fault, of course!) so difficult. I am well aware how lucky I am and how spoiled I must sound to some! I am in awe of all those who cope on their own or with a sick or disabled partner. Xx

Bellanonna Mon 02-Apr-18 11:54:57

Good luck with your plans alcot. I’m sure you’ll have a nice week. It’s probably difficult for you (though not impossible) to get away with dogs, so just plan some days out during that week. Sounds as though you have a lovely relationship and a happy husband! Enjoy those three weeks away too.

kittylester Mon 02-Apr-18 11:57:58

I have just tried to send my husband away on a jazz holiday by himself. By the time I had talked him into it, there were no tickets left! I would have relished the time on my own.

midgey Mon 02-Apr-18 12:02:48

How about one of those holidays where you learn something or do something you really enjoy?

Greenfinch Mon 02-Apr-18 12:05:38

Well done for responding in such a positive manner.So many on here get prickly if people disagree with them and are not prepared to consider the honest responses but just want to defend themselves.You are obviously a mature and well balanced person. Your husband is lucky to have you. Enjoy your free time😇

alovelycupofteaa Mon 02-Apr-18 12:11:54

Oh bless you Greenfinch, thank you. Nice to know I didn’t come across as totally awful!!
And thank you, Bellanonna, I will get my thinking cap on...

OldMeg Mon 02-Apr-18 13:09:04

Absolutely as Greenfinch says. Good on you for being so positive and listening 👍🏽

My DH goes away every year golfing with his buddies. I find it very liberating and really enjoy only having myself to think about.

Windyweather Mon 02-Apr-18 13:45:57

It's a difficult one! You're not joined at the hip, but I think, because of my experience, I personally feel that he has put his needs before yours. You are of course, both entitled to have time apart, but you say he also uses up some of his holiday playing golf, cricket and going on an annual walking holiday with his friends, so he already persues other interests besides the sking holiday. Perhaps he feels entitled, as he's worked all his life and while that's true, he's also overlooking your part in his life and should also be considering you.

I was/am in a similar, but not exactly the same situation. My DH suggested we move away from the area we lived for many years, where I grew up, had friends and family close by, to free up some cash (we downsized), so he could retire a bit earlier. We did this, moving to a small village, but he then had a bit of a mid life crisis, buying a motorbike and going out with friends most days, including a 'lads' holiday, leaving me on my own in a new area. It caused a lot of upset. He played it down, saying I was suspicious, but I knew it was totally out of character! After 18 months the novelty wore off and he stopped doing all that, but he's still out a lot of the time persuing other, more age appropriate interests! I have tried to find my own, but it's not always that easy and wish I'd never agreed to move. sad

Sorry if I've put a spanner in the works, as most other replies are not to worry and allow him to have his time away, but you know your DH best and must know, deep down, whether he is taking advantage of your easy going nature. How would he react, do you think, if the boot was on the other foot? Try and do your own thing, if you can and see what his reaction is!

BlueBelle Mon 02-Apr-18 15:26:26

I ve got to echo the others and say Well done for taking the criticism so well There’s are many come on here with a query but if the answers don’t correspond to what they want us all to say they throw their toys out of the pram So well done you for being big enough to recognise how it looks through others eyes
I hope you can find something nice to do even if it’s some day trips out maybe with a girlfriend
Have fun and enjoy the two weeks you do have with him on holiday x

ginny Mon 02-Apr-18 15:33:33

I would not have a problem with D H having a week away with friends. Can you not have some time away with your whilst he looks after the dogs?

stella1949 Mon 02-Apr-18 15:39:33

Not wanting to sound like sour grapes, but when I was 55 I still had another 10 years of full-time working ahead of me, as did DH. We both had a few weeks holidays per year , and a long wait until retirement for both of us. I even worked extra shifts with an agency to make sure we had enough funds to retire on. Your situation might seem awful to you, but to many it would seem like a charmed life.

Situpstraight Mon 02-Apr-18 15:39:34

Lovely it might be an idea for you both to go somewhere other than Cornwall for some of your joint 3 weeks holiday together?
They say a change is as good as a rest, I think that your DH gets a fab skiing holiday and you get a week in the South West! I will say, hastily, that I love Cornwall, don’t get me wrong, but it would be nice for you to get spoilt a bit on a nice holiday.

If you aren’t working you can go away on your own to Cornwall at any time, whilst your DH works and dog sits

grannyactivist Mon 02-Apr-18 16:16:09

Hello there alovelycupofteaa, I think this is one of those situations where only you know if it's truly going to become a problem or not. Personally I am married to an adventurer and I always said that I would never try to 'clip his wings'. When the children were small his adventures were for an odd day or a weekend, then as the children grew he shared adventures with them. Now our children have left home and my Wonderful Man goes away on his adventures, usually alone, for anything from a week to two months - with my absolute blessing. I have decided that I will also go away alone when I can and have just recently come back from a week in Cyprus; it was bliss. In May The Wonderful Man is going on an activity holiday with our two adult sons.
I should say that we do have an annual holiday together and those two weeks are some of the best in the year. grin

alovelycupofteaa Mon 02-Apr-18 17:16:07

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply - stella1949, I certainly would never say that my situation is awful - as I said above, I am well aware that I am extremely lucky with my husband and with our life, in comparison to so many. I hope that you managed to secure yourselves a comfortable retirement. The question above was just a dilemma, rather than a major problem, and I am grateful to everyone, yourself included, who has helped me get some
perspective on it x

Cabbie21 Mon 02-Apr-18 17:26:24

My DH goes away to visit his daughter for four days every month. I enjoy the freedom to eat what and when I like, to watch what I like on TV and generally enjoy the freedom.

Maybe You might plan some days out, if it is not possible because of the dogs for you to go away at the same time, and take yourself away perhaps during the better weather, for your own trip?

sodapop Mon 02-Apr-18 17:35:16

I agree with other posters who said its good to have some independence from each other. I don't really like the notion of 'allowing' one's partner to do something , its a joint decision surely.
Enjoy some time with an activity or holiday of your choice alovelycupoftea then you will be refreshed and have a different take on things. Good luck.

alovelycupofteaa Mon 02-Apr-18 17:45:49

Oh no, soda pop, I agree - I would never think of it in terms of ‘allowing’ him to go - he’s a fellow grown-up!!