Broken

Very very sorry to hear of your worries, hope that people here have been able to give some useful support.

Do PLEASE get as much advice as possible about equity release, I have recently read some real horror stories. And, as others have suggested, do please go onto the Age UK and the Martin Lewis websites, and if possible perhaps talk to one of their advisors.

Hope it feels less worrying now ?

I have only one son, now a dad himself. Money has been a real feature, up and down all of our lives together and my own childhood was precariously managed financially and emotionally. Consequently we talk about money openly and solve financial problems together using flip charts and spreadsheets to get the desired results. Any loan has to have a repayment plan. There’s no point my money idly sitting in the bank when it can do it’s work to help make my family less anxious and more productive and enable my GC to live in nice surroundings with parents who have time for him. BUT it has to be repaid, and it always is. We all reclaim, upcycle and repurpose and have great respect for the money we can access collectively.

I suspect that there are many people in just this position? a couple of years ago I was talking to a Guardian journalist about doing a piece around families working but still struggling and I said then that an untold story was around the many grandparents using up all their own resources to prop up their AC and GC. ?
I believe that with the financial crisis upon us since 2008, the rising cost of housing both to buy and to rent (especially here in the South) the low or no rise in wages, the increase in insecure employment (the so called gig economy!) the cuts to benefits, the two child policy, benefit cap etc it’s no wonder that so many young families are struggling and so many parents are stepping in to bail them out. My own AC are all in working households all 3 SIL have better salary than me? as I work for a charity and they in the private sector but they have massive housing costs 1 DD is working but 1 is on maternity leave and the 3rd is a full time university student so I have tried to help them out because I don’t have a mortgage now, it’s still left me very very stretched and frequently feeling a bit down ?

Here's a thought HildejenniJ ...why not let your kids just get on with it.... my dad left debt and nothing else, only the life lesson to stand on our own two feet. The debt by the way wasn't his but he felt compelled fron honour to pay it! We finially paid it ( his four kids) and were glad to do it on his behalf. We owe our kids a happy childhood and a reasonable education in the knowledge that they learn to cope on their own...which mine do. My daughter is well set up through her education which she has made the most of.... my son is hard working and healthy... but failed to use his 3 A levels wisely. His fault...not ours! They will both stand or fall from their respective efforts. They will also have no debt to pay off when I die and a house worth a small fortune. Enough already!

I have a friend who has been left in a very difficult financial position helping her 2 totally irresponsible AC out. She now has had to say No to them and take care of herself as she is practically penniless. She has got invaluable advice from Age Concern on Equity Release ... plus the Martin Lewis website.

I too find myself in this position and my sympathies to everyone else struggling with these issues.Have been awake most of last night worrying and then this thread came up and it is helpful to know I’m not the only one but hate that so many of you are struggling.I haven’t come up with any solution to these issues but thank you to every body for your comments which make me realise there are solutions and we aren’t alone.So often a thread comes up on gransnet just when I need to deal with the issues it contains.

I do think that OP should get proper advice about equity release; but if it seems advantageous to her, then she should do it. And possibly without telling family, or they might want a bit of the action themselves!

We too have shared our small inheritances with our AC, mainly for house deposits, and were happy to do this. But I am lucky that they are loving supportive folk who really appreciate what we gave them.

annsixty - sorry about your difficult situation. Do not forget that if your OH needs residential care, your home in which you are now living will still be yours to live in - the LA cannot take this into account.

No, not unreasonable at all. It annoys me that the older generation are currently portrayed as being in a comfortable position, financially, when it’s just not true. My adult children have much more disposable income than we ever had at their age, and overall, I think a better quality of life. And yet, the media seems to suggest that we should still be ‘helping them out’. I love them dearly, but I don’t think so!?

If equity release will give you peace of mind then just do it. You have done your best for them now look after yourself.

Grammaretto How lovely of you all ?

My in-laws did equity release a few years ago and it's been a godsend.
When my DM was downsizing over 30 years ago, my siblings and I persuaded her to rent rather than have all her money tied up in property. Why not spend it on herself after a life of selfless sacrifice.

We all had our own homes by then and didn't need to inherit.

I don’t know your circumstances with your adult children stella1949 but if I do equity release I’d warn mine. Would others?

Yes, I sympathise - I've done most of those things and I do understand. I got an equity release about 3 years ago to pay off all my debts and to replace my old car. I don't have to pay it back - my children will find out about that little secret when they inherit my house and find that the bank owns some of it. It does accrue interest but I'm not concerned about that - I'll be dead when the bank comes to get it's cut. The equity release was a godsend and made life so much easier for me - so why not. Do your research and don't be afraid to do it. Good luck !

I have no advice on equity release, but do sympathise. So many of us don't have much but help our families as much as we can. Then the media keeps telling us how we have had it so easy which is so untrue and really annoys me.

Thanks Loopyloo I did think to write them a letter before putting the house up for sale, but things have changed drastically since I got my mortgage and I really doubt they would extend it, but no harm in writing to them first. I couldn't afford a repayment mortgage.

notoveryet yes unbearable, but 5.5yrs on, I've lost hope

Dear Yogagirl, do not assume that's what you will have to do, please talk to your Building Society. On the quiet they may be able to change it to a repayment. We were surprised how long a term they were able to offer us. Up to my husband being nearly 90. It's worth asking. And they like it that you go to them to prevent a problem.

As you say ninathenana, we felt we had to make the choice not to see family members homeless or unable to work. In our case we helped a very mentally unwell grandchild who was advised to sofa surf. I am pleased when I see members of the royal family advocate for mental health issues but sadly the reality for us ha s been a total lack of help. I'm so sorry you all find yourselves in the same position and Yogagirl has been cut out of their lives, that must be nearly unbearable. Yes, we all made the choice to do what we did, hindsight is always a difficult thing to cope with. I'm going to seriously look into equity release though the thought scared and saddens me.

I shared my inheritance with my 3 AC, I paid for my youngest DD wedding, and other monies given. Shortly after 2 have cut me out of their lives [both due to my s.i.l] so lost my precious GC too

I have an interest only mortgage, only one I could get, being on my own & self employed. When I first got it I was paying £850 interest per month! Only 2 yrs left of my mortgage term, so will have to sell up next year and buy a small flat. Very frightening for me, on my own, no one to help me move, don't know how I'll manage to do it
Shame my once beloved AC didn't cut me out before I'd given them all that money, I could do with it now! But on the other hand, their business went broke, so I'm sure if I had been in their lives, they would have emptied my bank account, to try to save their business. I'll bet they thought of me, when trying to gather money to save it

Yes we do absent but my choice was not to see my GC without a roof over their heads and their mum having to give up work because her old car had died etc. We still have savings but I wonder if it's enough to keep us going till the end. I've told DD that we are not a bottomless pit.

notoveryet your not being unreasonable at all.

We are grown-ups. Grown-ups have choices. That is surely one of the definitions of being a grown-up.

annesixty are you really the only one though? As I talk to people I know over many years it has gradually been revealed how many are helping other members of their family. I'm kind of in the same boat. It's depressing and I do wonder how little I can hand over before it is relied on for far too much. I do however think it is a lot more common than we imagine and has been for decades.

I am the only one of my close friends who has Benn doing this for years and I have kept very quiet about it.
It is comforting to know other people feel as I do.
My children both have broken marriages and ,like the OP I have a S ,hers is a GS , with mental health issues.
If my H deteriorates at the rate he is doing ,he will soon need care. I won't be able to help at all then and my own future will be bleak.
When it is a spouse and the main provider ,it is a totally different kettle of fish to a parent.
It keeps me awake sometimes.
Look to your own needs OP before it is too late.

Not unreasonable at all.I am similarly situated. I work long hours in a demanding profession, and much of my salary, and all my savings, have gone to helping 2 of my three AC at different times.
I had hoped by now to be able to go part time, and maybe have more holidays, but it’s not panned out that way?
sometimes I feel a bit down about it, but I have decided to down size from the family home to a cottage and keep the spare equity for myself?

No you aren't BU. As others have said, so many of us are in similar situations.
It's a real conundrum that our generation is often accused of misusing the world's resources, having it easy because of free higher education and relatively cheap housing. Yet, here we all are, sharing whatever we have with our loved ones.

You are not being unreasonable! There are very many of us in a similar position. By now I had hoped that our mortgage would have been paid off and life would be easier, but no. DD and SiL are a one income family and we have been helping them out. DH is generous to a fault, but we just haven't got the resources. My inheritance from my parents is slowly being whittled away. We are in our late sixties now, I fear for our future but for now I try not to show it.