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AIBU

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(80 Posts)
notoveryet Fri 13-Apr-18 18:59:28

If I had my time again I wouldn't be so damn "responsible" I've kept a roof over grandsons head ( mental health issues ) and a car on the road for another family member who needs it for work. I worked since I left school, all my savings are gone and I'm struggling. I'm starting to think equity release is the only way forward. AIBU to be fed up, especially when I keep hearing how easy my generation had it.

gillybob Fri 13-Apr-18 19:02:55

You have my absolute sympathy notoveryet I’m in a very similar position to you . Worked since I was 16 never really wanted much for myself and really thought it would be easier by now .

You are not being unreasonable for feeling fed up ! sad

Situpstraight Fri 13-Apr-18 19:55:51

No you aren’t being unreasonable at all. I can’t help about Equity Release, but I believe there are some older threads here on GN about it.

But well done for doing what you thought was right for your family, I wish, though that it had turned out better for you.

Some of our generation might have had it easy, but we’ve had to work long hard hours for everything we have, no inheritance for us.

morethan2 Fri 13-Apr-18 20:18:14

I’m in a similar situation and I can’t really can’t see an end to it. Nor can I ever see us turn our backs on those we love. We’ve chosen to offer support. It does niggle a bit especially when it seems it’s not appreciated. I think it’s really important not to become embittered (I try really hard but resentment occasionally rears it’s ugly head) we not in such dire straights at the moment but if or when I think I’d do my homework first but might consider equity release. If needs must an all that. flowers

Chinesecrested Fri 13-Apr-18 20:42:42

I used to think equity release was a bit of a con, but if it means it makes life easier, maybe provides a few luxuries, the odd cruise perhaps, then why not! The alternative means just means that those relatives who have already benefited from your generosity, get more! Even if you do release equity, you'd still live in your house and have something to leave them when you go. Take professional advice, be careful, but maybe it's the way forward?

hildajenniJ Fri 13-Apr-18 20:47:32

You are not being unreasonable! There are very many of us in a similar position. By now I had hoped that our mortgage would have been paid off and life would be easier, but no. DD and SiL are a one income family and we have been helping them out. DH is generous to a fault, but we just haven't got the resources. My inheritance from my parents is slowly being whittled away. We are in our late sixties now, I fear for our future but for now I try not to show it.

Iam64 Fri 13-Apr-18 21:06:05

No you aren't BU. As others have said, so many of us are in similar situations.
It's a real conundrum that our generation is often accused of misusing the world's resources, having it easy because of free higher education and relatively cheap housing. Yet, here we all are, sharing whatever we have with our loved ones.

jenpax Fri 13-Apr-18 21:11:25

Not unreasonable at all.I am similarly situated. I work long hours in a demanding profession, and much of my salary, and all my savings, have gone to helping 2 of my three AC at different times.
I had hoped by now to be able to go part time, and maybe have more holidays, but it’s not panned out that way😳
sometimes I feel a bit down about it, but I have decided to down size from the family home to a cottage and keep the spare equity for myself😁

annsixty Fri 13-Apr-18 21:30:55

I am the only one of my close friends who has Benn doing this for years and I have kept very quiet about it.
It is comforting to know other people feel as I do.
My children both have broken marriages and ,like the OP I have a S ,hers is a GS , with mental health issues.
If my H deteriorates at the rate he is doing ,he will soon need care. I won't be able to help at all then and my own future will be bleak.
When it is a spouse and the main provider ,it is a totally different kettle of fish to a parent.
It keeps me awake sometimes.
Look to your own needs OP before it is too late.

Moocow Fri 13-Apr-18 21:45:09

annesixty are you really the only one though? As I talk to people I know over many years it has gradually been revealed how many are helping other members of their family. I'm kind of in the same boat. It's depressing and I do wonder how little I can hand over before it is relied on for far too much. I do however think it is a lot more common than we imagine and has been for decades.

absent Sat 14-Apr-18 06:52:55

We are grown-ups. Grown-ups have choices. That is surely one of the definitions of being a grown-up.

ninathenana Sat 14-Apr-18 07:36:21

Yes we do absent but my choice was not to see my GC without a roof over their heads and their mum having to give up work because her old car had died etc. We still have savings but I wonder if it's enough to keep us going till the end. I've told DD that we are not a bottomless pit.

notoveryet your not being unreasonable at all.

Yogagirl Sat 14-Apr-18 07:59:36

I shared my inheritance with my 3 AC, I paid for my youngest DD wedding, and other monies given. Shortly after 2 have cut me out of their lives [both due to my s.i.l] so lost my precious GC toosad

I have an interest only mortgage, only one I could get, being on my own & self employed. When I first got it I was paying £850 interest per month! Only 2 yrs left of my mortgage term, so will have to sell up next year and buy a small flat. Very frightening for me, on my own, no one to help me move, don't know how I'll manage to do it sad
Shame my once beloved AC didn't cut me out before I'd given them all that money, I could do with it now! But on the other hand, their business went broke, so I'm sure if I had been in their lives, they would have emptied my bank account, to try to save their business. I'll bet they thought of me, when trying to gather money to save it wink

notoveryet Sat 14-Apr-18 08:43:34

As you say ninathenana, we felt we had to make the choice not to see family members homeless or unable to work. In our case we helped a very mentally unwell grandchild who was advised to sofa surf. I am pleased when I see members of the royal family advocate for mental health issues but sadly the reality for us ha s been a total lack of help. I'm so sorry you all find yourselves in the same position and Yogagirl has been cut out of their lives, that must be nearly unbearable. Yes, we all made the choice to do what we did, hindsight is always a difficult thing to cope with. I'm going to seriously look into equity release though the thought scared and saddens me.

loopyloo Sat 14-Apr-18 08:49:42

Dear Yogagirl, do not assume that's what you will have to do, please talk to your Building Society. On the quiet they may be able to change it to a repayment. We were surprised how long a term they were able to offer us. Up to my husband being nearly 90. It's worth asking. And they like it that you go to them to prevent a problem.

Yogagirl Sat 14-Apr-18 09:33:11

Thanks Loopyloo I did think to write them a letter before putting the house up for sale, but things have changed drastically since I got my mortgage and I really doubt they would extend it, but no harm in writing to them first. I couldn't afford a repayment mortgage.

notoveryet yes unbearable, but 5.5yrs on, I've lost hope sad

GrandmaMoira Sat 14-Apr-18 10:10:22

I have no advice on equity release, but do sympathise. So many of us don't have much but help our families as much as we can. Then the media keeps telling us how we have had it so easy which is so untrue and really annoys me.

stella1949 Sat 14-Apr-18 11:07:11

Yes, I sympathise - I've done most of those things and I do understand. I got an equity release about 3 years ago to pay off all my debts and to replace my old car. I don't have to pay it back - my children will find out about that little secret when they inherit my house and find that the bank owns some of it. It does accrue interest but I'm not concerned about that - I'll be dead when the bank comes to get it's cut. The equity release was a godsend and made life so much easier for me - so why not. Do your research and don't be afraid to do it. Good luck !

morethan2 Sat 14-Apr-18 18:56:20

I don’t know your circumstances with your adult children stella1949 but if I do equity release I’d warn mine. Would others?

Grammaretto Sat 14-Apr-18 19:12:19

My in-laws did equity release a few years ago and it's been a godsend.
When my DM was downsizing over 30 years ago, my siblings and I persuaded her to rent rather than have all her money tied up in property. Why not spend it on herself after a life of selfless sacrifice.

We all had our own homes by then and didn't need to inherit.

jenpax Sat 14-Apr-18 20:07:11

Grammaretto How lovely of you all 😁

mabon1 Sun 15-Apr-18 09:14:10

If equity release will give you peace of mind then just do it. You have done your best for them now look after yourself.

SussexGirl60 Sun 15-Apr-18 09:21:37

No, not unreasonable at all. It annoys me that the older generation are currently portrayed as being in a comfortable position, financially, when it’s just not true. My adult children have much more disposable income than we ever had at their age, and overall, I think a better quality of life. And yet, the media seems to suggest that we should still be ‘helping them out’. I love them dearly, but I don’t think so!😕

Luckygirl Sun 15-Apr-18 09:36:56

I do think that OP should get proper advice about equity release; but if it seems advantageous to her, then she should do it. And possibly without telling family, or they might want a bit of the action themselves!

We too have shared our small inheritances with our AC, mainly for house deposits, and were happy to do this. But I am lucky that they are loving supportive folk who really appreciate what we gave them.

annsixty - sorry about your difficult situation. Do not forget that if your OH needs residential care, your home in which you are now living will still be yours to live in - the LA cannot take this into account.

Susan56 Sun 15-Apr-18 09:37:10

I too find myself in this position and my sympathies to everyone else struggling with these issues.Have been awake most of last night worrying and then this thread came up and it is helpful to know I’m not the only one but hate that so many of you are struggling.I haven’t come up with any solution to these issues but thank you to every body for your comments which make me realise there are solutions and we aren’t alone.So often a thread comes up on gransnet just when I need to deal with the issues it contains.