Spending money

Why doesn't the whole of his pension go into the joint account? Does he not want you to know how much of a personal allowance he has given himself? I think all bills should come from joint account and an agreed allowance for each of you into a personal account which is entirely private (for clothes, presents, treats whatever you decide between you)

I have a joint account with h but I also have my own account. It’s ideal for me my state pension and my small private pension are paid into my account, I pay some of the bills and my husband puts in so much each month into my account. He has bills to pay in our joint account.

Yes you definitely should insist. My husband was just the same and we nearly split up over it. I used to be frightened to buy anything because he'd query it when he saw it on our bank statement. He isn't mean but just doesn't see the need to buy things and because he rarely shops he has no idea of the cost of anything. We solved the problem by my setting up my own account which my pension is now paid into. Our joint account gets his pension and a joint private pension we paid into for years. Main household bills come out of the joint account but if it's getting low I pay bills from my account. I can buy clothes, presents, stuff for me and my garden without him knowing the cost and that works fine. He could actually look up my bank statement online if he wanted to but he doesn't. For your own sanity I think you need to sort this out with your husband or you will carry on feeling oppressed by it. Good luck

Interesting to hear about other people's finances and how they have handled this tricky situation of 'mine' and 'ours'. A lot of it is a generational thing too - men in the 60 to 70 age category normally receive a larger pension because they have a longer work history with no breaks for child raising. Women of the same age often gave up a full time job to raise children and then if and when they went back into the workforce often took part time jobs to fit around their families needs, and in doing so reduced their earning potential which has a direct impact on guaranteed pension income in the retirement years. If you have never seen the need to have your own bank account or have had the opportunity or realized the value of "taking the reins" and managing the family finances instead of leaving it in your husband hands, then trying to make a case for starting to manage your own financial affairs or expecting your husband to be delighted that you want to open your own bank account for your pension is bound to cause friction!

All I know is that it's unlikely that our daughters will face this dilemma as they are better educated and often make careers choices this will minimize this situation.

Ramblingrosie..... If I can give one piece of advice its this. Do not under ANYcircumstances put your pension into your joint account!!! Many many years ago my husband who already had a very nice works pension to look forward to said that 'we' couldn't afford a private pension for me. While he spent copious amounts on regularly updating his car and holidays. Also 'we' couldn't afford driving lessons for me!!! He has controlled me and the finances for 45 years ... then 4 years ago I got my state pension. He just assumed I was going to put it into our joint account( I say 'our' but he always controlled it and me through it!! I have worked 49 years and finially got my pension like you a couple years after the 'promised' 60 years old. When I told him i had opened a solo account and my pension was going into that he went ballistic!!! Thought he was gonna lash out physically... but he restrained himself and lashed out verbally instead . He called me a selfish cow... a waster... a bitch... you name it and he said it. Might I add that he stopped work at 50 after a minor stroke which gave him the excuse never to work again. I went from part-time to full time to finish paying off the mortgage while he cashed in all his insurance policies and ISA's to bolster up my meagre income. I came home six days a week to start on housework and cooking while he spent 15 hours a day in front of tv. He's still doing that now!! He's got over my 'rebellion' but still tries to control me by asking how much I've saved from my pension. In four years I've saved enough to install new kitchen and am now working toward a new bathroom! I never tell him what I'm doing money-wise. All those years ago he insisted that I didn't NEED a pension as his was enough to keep both of us comfortably. Now I'm making him live up to his boast and his meanness to me. Please please pleas don't let your husband bully you into the decision you'll regret for ever!

tessa ^ How does it work if you have joint account and you want to buy OH a birthday present, they can see all your doing^
You ask OH what he wants for his birthday.
He tells you.
You buy it, or better still, he buys it himself.
Simples!

It must have been a generation thing that mums told their daughters to always keep some money of your own so if you ever want to leave or get away you have some money because that is exactly what my mum told me and my sisters. Good advice.

Martin Lewis always advised not to have joint accounts. We never had joint accounts, had our own bank accounts which our salaries went into each month then we each transferred money into a bill account every month which had nothing other than bill money in it. Worked fine for us for years. How does it work if you have joint account and you want to buy OH a birthday present, they can see all your doing. I remember back in the 80s being advised by the bank not to have joint accounts. Moving with the times I think nowadays modern Britain is all about having seperate accounts.

neil When the children came I always joked that I earned it and she spent it, but openness and straightforwardness has always seemed like the only way to run a marriage of equals. Am I daft ?
No Neil, not daft at all ? openness and straightforwardness works for us too.
When I was a stay-at-home mother and the only income that accrued to me was Child Benefit (those were the days) I would have hated to feel that I was using MrA’s money, rather than our money, to run the house and feed us all.
At the time, for life insurance purposes, Legal and General calculated that the value of the work that a SAHM did was £19,000 per annum.
That was actually more than MrA’s income at the time.

Easily solved. Have your own credit card with diffetent bank from joint account and set up a direct debit from the joint account to pay it off each month. That way it's a lump sum so OH doesn't know what it was spent on. Works for us.

We only have joint account, which we both pay into and spend how we want. Although we are reasonably careful and spend only what we know we can afford. But neither of us say how the much then other can spend. It's probably me spends more as I meet up with friends more for a chat and a cuppa, or a meal.

Tell your DH to take a running jump and be aware that if he is starting to control you now that you are just retired, the writing is on the wall. You suggest your private pension is smaller than his and I guess the reason is because in your life you have spent some time at home bringing up children and keeping house so that he has had a home and family to return to. That needs to be calculated as time you gave to support him and that didn't help to bolster your pension. You need to have the same amount of money at your disposal as he does so you should have some full and frank discussions about this and hold him accountable for every penny he spends if this is the attitude he is demonstrating towards you. Personally, I too have a very mean husband - quite the opposite from my first very generous one and I find it so debilitating - we have always thank goodness had our own salaries, pensions and accounts - it leads to secrets but it's much better to be like that than be controlled and basically have your worked-for pension earmarked for use by someone else.

RRosie I hope you are getting the benefit of the up market hotels that your OH is fond of and have the use of his car that your pension seems to be going towards funding.
A phone call to DWP with new bank details would have your pension paid into a separate account just for you then offer him a proportion of it towards bills and keep the remainder.

Always had joint acts until I retired. I wanted to have my own money so that at Christmas, b'days etc I actually felt that I was buying the gifts for DH also wouldn't feel obliged to ask or feel guilty before I bought myself something expensive. Everything else is still joint and I do use my 'own' money towards holidays and joint treats etc

I don't agree with joint accounts. Too many stories of one partner being profligate with it.
Work out what all the household bills total up to, add the cost of the weekly shop and then each pay in an equal share.
Then each have your own personal account for personal spending. For unexpected expenses like repair or replacement of household items each pays half, or you could even have a separate account for that. Saves arguments and you both have your own spending money.

Money can be a touchy subject within couples. We have a joint account which our private pensions go into - this covers all outgoing expenses. We each keep our own State pension, to do with as we wish I might add.

We have had a joint account ever since I can remember. All our earnings are paid into it and apart from major expenditure, which we discuss, small purchases are taken from it; we save anything left over. We both have our own credit cards which are usually paid off each month.

I do the finances, always have done and DH is happy to let me do so. He spends much more than me but despite some misgivings I never query what he spends as two thirds of our income comes from his hard work since he was 16. My third comes from state pension and a small occupational pension. Similarly he never queries what I spend. I had a small inheritance when my mother died over 20 years ago and it was put into our joint account before we decided to spend most of it on a patio and landscaping in the garden of our house at the time. I never thought of it as ‘my money’.

My sister-in-law and her husband are just the opposite. They have always had separate accounts; I believe he pays all the household bills and she still has a part time job, the earnings from which she considers her money. I have even heard them say to each other, “You owe me for **”,sometimes about very small amounts. She is even going on holiday without him in July. It wouldn’t work for us but as long as they are happy who are we to judge?

If you feel resentful about what he wants you need to talk it through and come up with a solution that neither of you resent.

I can’t urge you strongly enough to take control of your own money. I finally insisted on it with my pension and it’s a liberation. If you really do need some of your pension to help with bills etc then set up a (small?) direct debit to the joint account. I ‘justified’ it by saying I wanted to be able to buy him presents without him knowing how much I’d spent. He wasn’t happy but has now settled into it.

Since I married my second husband 25 years ago (sadly he has recently passed away) he has been happy for me to “do the accounts) - in fact he said we’d never go broke with me in charge!! Both our DSS pensions went into our joint account topped up by an equal sum from both our private pensions. Both our private pensions went into our individual bank accounts. We never knew what was in each other’s account. We had joint modest savings. It worked well
I guess we were fortunate that we both trusted each other.

We have joint accounts. As an adult I would never feel that I had to ask permission to spend money. He spends money on things I wouldn’t and vice versa. But it works out quite fairly. Swings and Roundabouts. I have just taken early retirement and OH still works. That hasn’t changed anything in the way we deal with our finances. We do discuss larger purchases.
I feel quite sad that someone in this day and age has to ask for permission to spend their own money. We are the generation that fought for equality in the work place, why wouldn’t we insist on equity at home

I had a joint bank account with my ex husband and I didn't like it, he tended to take control of that, both our incomes went in and he then switched quite a substantial amount of that every month into a joint savings account and then had the cheek to tell ne we had to be careful for the rest of the month because we didn't have a lot in our current account Yes I could make purchases but I got sick of running it all past him first. However that was all a long time ago.

Present husband and I have been together 34 years or so and we happily operate separate bank accounts, he has a state pension, private pension and investments in a wrap that he draws on for big things like holidays etc. He pays me housekeeping, not a huge amount as I have rental income from a flat I own, I have to wait till next year to get a state pension. He pays all the bills and my petrol and my car maintenance. I pay for some of the entertaining and all the food and housekeeping I pay for my own health club fees and similarly he pays for his golf club fees. I cover the cost of my own clothes, shoes, make up, hairdressing and similarly he pays for his stuff out of his account and he also pays for our once a week cleaner, cos that was his idea although I do appreciate having one. We both however regard any money and assets as "joint" but I think we both like separate accounts though it works for us.

We've had separate accounts, as we didn't meet until we were 50, and it's always been "our" money. I earned more than he did until I took early retirement, but we've never fallen out over money. I do all the bill paying, and I tell him if I need more for anything. We're both now retired, and our income is very modest, but the agreement is that I spend what is needed (and sometimes what isn't!) and if I run short, he will transfer money to my account. Anything spare at the end of the month goes into our savings.

We both had ex-spouses who spent wildly, and we both appreciate the sense of each other now.

*coconut" forgive me, I laughed at your post. DH and I do not have the same attitude to money at all. He worries about it and yet won't look at my spreadsheet showing where it all is. I don't worry about it because I know where it all is. When I want to move money which is in his name I can just give him a form and he will sign it without looking at it. What works for one couple won't for another.

The reason it works for us is total trust, nothing else.

I can't equate what I do, as my own circumstances are quite different. My divorce allows me the income from letting out the marital homebut I still own 50%. I have my own pensions, state and private and half my ex's pensions plus income from shares.
When we were still married he put an allowance into my bank to cover everything bar the mortgage, holidays and his golf club fees.
He used to question why I never spent it all (it was a large amount) but he never asked what I paid for anything. I'm lucky in that money (or the lack of it) has never been an issue.

Obviously if you don’t have a joint a/c now... it’s possibly time to create one.
And both need to put in a percentage of your incomes.
If it’s internet banking you can both have easy access.
As for what you do with your surplus... you can choose whether to share that information
But an equal percentage from each of you seems a fair start...

Hardest is the conversation before plans... good luck with that x