Spending money

OH and I have only been together for 10 years so perhaps slightly different to those of you who have been married for years.
I am retired and at the moment only have my state pension plus some savings. OH works and has a lot more money than I do coming in.
We have separate bank accounts but he pays all bills, I contribute towards the food bill.
If we buy anything for the home we split the costs 50/50, my choice.
We both have 2 daughters, 2 SIL's and 5 grandchildren. He pays for presents for his, I do for mine, although they are from us both, again this works for us.
We never disagree about money. Things will probably change when he retires in 3 years time.
He also pays mostly for meals out and often buys me clothes. He is very generous.

Nankate
Ones DH is not ones keeper and no way should any one have to' insist' they have their own bank account.
This is 21c. Women have careers, not destined to spend their lives cooking and cleaning which was for so long seen to be a woman's lot. I do believe that should a woman earn money she should make a contribution not expect DH or partner to pay for everything in the running of their home. Exceptions ? you are fortunate to have a millionaire DH/partner.

I suggest, even recommend, that you both contribute exactly the same amount into a joint account. Anything left over from your individual contribution, you each keep as private spends to do with what you wish.
If YOUR total income is £800pm and HIS is £1200pm, then each could contribute £600 to the pot and YOU would then have £200 to spend as you wish...NO QUESTIONS ASKED.
The fact that he'd have more soending money is not the issue. He sounds tight so to prevent any argument now or in future, it's best to contribute equally.
Anything that is particular to one party ie: his golf club membership or a pilates class you might attend would have to come out of your private spending money.
These are only hypothetical amounts as you know what your income is.
I certainly wouldn't be dictated to. You are equal.

We have a joint account because my DH worked abroad and I looked after the children in England. When he returned he took control of the money.
When the children left I worked and any money earnt paid for extra things like presents and holidays; my DH always paid the household bills. To get my pension I had to top up, which came out of my earnings, and I too had to wait until my mid sixties.
We have never discussed money as I was told it was nothing to worry about and as far as DH is concerned my pension is not important either. So I have kept it and we continue as we have done. However since the control of the housekeeping is out of my hands we live a life of boom and bust, so I save my pension for those rainy days that occur.
One important point was made to me by friends was that because I didn't have a credit card or bank account it means I do not have a credit record and life would be difficult if I suddenly found myself on my own. So I have opened a bank account for my pension and have a credit card but rarely use it, mainly to buy on line.

Yes janeaisworth, we are the same, everything into a joint account. When the children came I always joked that I earned it and she spent it, but openness and straightforwardness has always seemed like the only way to run a marriage of equals. Am I daft ? Or just happily married ? After almost fifty years together I think we have it right really.

Earn your own money spend your own money, save for your own pension and have your own bank account.

We originally just had one joint a/c. Then when I started getting a pension opened an account just for that. I like to think I have paid for things - eg wedding prezzies, some holidays and some things I like to think are from me and not from us. A small % of joint income so not a problem between us, though he wld prefer to have it all where he can see it. Tough!

Sorry - the 'is he worried you might overspend' is directed at the original poster, not Nankate!

NanKate - my Gran warned us girls to always keep a separate bank account so we had access to money should we ever need to leave our husbands - she had been in poor financial circumstances after our Grandfather left her and had been dependent on her older children that were working to pay the household bills. I have always had my own bank account and my salary went into that. My late husband and me also had a joint account - he paid his salary straight in and I used to put some money in too although, as he was earning much more than me, he didn't expect me to pay in the same amount he did. He never questioned what I spent from the joint account but I did use my own money to buy my clothes and personal items for my own use, things like toothpaste and the usual household shopping came out of the joint account. Sadly he died when he was 46 so the question of pensions didn't arise although I would have been greatly surprised if our way of splitting the money hadn't continued - his pension would have been much more than the little pension I get from my work pension and I have to wait another three years to get my state pension at 66! Is he worried you/he might overspend? My Dad kept the exact bank balance in his account on a daily basis - he entered every purchase and withdrawal into a ledger he kept and Mum would be questioned if there was a larger than usual purchase - money was tight so he had to ensure that bills could be paid - when she went back to work in her fifties she keep her salary separate too.

We were both widowed before our marriage 18 months ago. After the wedding we made all our personal accounts into joint accounts as we had both had with our late partners. We discuss large purchases but everyday expenses are just paid. as needed. We both have online access to all the accounts. It all about trust isn’t it. ( sometimes a bit difficult when trying to get surprise gifts though! )

We have one joint account and one of my pensions goes in that to pay general household stuff. Otherwise we have separate accounts and share the bills. We've never queried anything that the other person chooses to spend their money on. Neither of us is extravagant nor do we have expensive hobbies. We pay 50:50 for holidays and the like. It works fine. I guess we are lucky. We are not rich but we are comfortable and have no money worries.

Rambling Rosie, it's never too late to put your foot down. Your money, your choice! Of course you will be fair and it sounds as though you already pay one pension not the joint account, but you do not need to pay the other in. Just think how things will be in your retirement if your OH carries on like this, or even gets worse. It's worth bearing in mind, if this is a change in behaviour, it could be an early sign of a form of dementia. However, if he's always been controlling, now's the time to take a stand. Good luck!

We have separate accounts and we split the household economy almost 50/50.I could never cope if I had to "ask permission"
One irritation though, I have inherited a house in the UK, and I pay for everything, utility bills, Council Tax from my account, seems unfair as I pay half of this house as well, but at present I manage, so nothing said.

I completely agree carol, about the transfer of power (not for all men obviously, but sounds as if this could be the case here).
I personally see no virtue in having joint everything, but horses for courses. Personally I would advise the OP to open her own instant-access a/c now, and have her pension paid directly to that, while she and her OH discuss what the arrangement should be.

For richer for poorer certainly worked for us from day one and we experienced both. Have to confess, educated though I am, I've never understood how the separate accounts system works. Often thought to ask my children but wouldn't intrude on their personal affairs although I confess to being very curious.

There are chilling undertones to your post. What I have observed is that as age takes away some men's authority they exert this on their wives. Now you have the freedom of not working give yourself the freedom to spend your own money separately. Yes in fairness put the same ratio of income into the joint pot as his. All the rest is your own in a separate account, please enjoy your coming independence. Separate accounts is for many of us the recipe for peace of mind. It is okay for many posters to be smug about everything being joint but for many it would just be punitive, a veritable prison.

My old granny said a girl should always have a little money of her own (good Victorian) of course you should have at least some of your pension for yourself. He could be worried about rising costs but as he only puts a proportion in the joint account surely you can do the same. Sauce for the goose.........

I have my own account and a credit card from which I buy the food and pay the odd bill. We also have a joint account with a pot of money in it for just in case anything happens to my husband and I need ?! It works very well for us, no arguments, just the odd discussion on how are we doing money wise. My mum was one of those who said always have your own account with some money of your own. Wise words I feel. I could not stand being questioned about withdrawals, that is controlling. I would just open up my own account and have my pensions paid into it, then discuss your share of the bills.

If he keeps some of his pensions for himself then you definitely should keep an equivalent amount for yourself! As for questioning your withdrawals......I would query his too....in a nice way of course....maybe he will get the message! My ex and I always had joint and separate accounts.....mostly worked well.....except he was a spendthrift and all too frequently dipped into the joint account to bale himself out! I never used the joint account for anything except house keeping, utilities etc.....wish I had now!!

My meagre pension goes into joint account to pay some bills, relation by marriage (DH) into his personal account, from which he pays other bills, fortunately have really good house keeping allowance, which I manage to buy whatever I want and save some, so never found cause to get cross.

I totally agree with OldMeg.

How dare he tell you what to do with YOUR own money?

As for us, we each have our own pensions income paid into our own bank accounts. We also have a joint account into which we both tip equally - this is kept for the usual bills, utilities, any household - as opposed to personal - expenses.

I would not tolerate any bloke, husband or not, telling me what to do with the pensions I've earned in my own right.

We have only a joint account. I do not expect my husband to question my expenditure unless its to check that our cards have not been cloned. I do with draw cash from the ATM to pay the window cleaner etc This lets me get a print out of the bank balance. I may occasionally add a £50 withdrawal to the supermarket check out. This means that if I want to pay for a birthday present etc. its not really trackable. I use Amazon to get replacements for dishes etc in the kitchen along with bits for the computer or travelling. I am not an extravagant person and husband knows I don't expect to be questioned. He did once say that the declutter I have once a year and pay a large cheque to did not seem to be effective. Happens that there came a year she wasn't and so I don't have her.

It helps to be assertive saying something like 'it was value for money and useful to me.' no further explanation must repeat same phrase. See 'broken record' assertive technique for a fuller set of options. Never apologize for buying anything that you feel you want.

I hate control...and this is what this is. I would insist on having money of my own...you're a grown woman...not a child or possession. Stand your ground,otherwise you will resent him.

I think total joint accounts only work if you both have the same attitude to money. My 1st husband controlled all our finances, questioned absolutely everything I spent and altho wealthy, would not spend a penny if he could get away with it. His own Mum called him Scrooge or Shylock ! My 2nd husband was spoilt, came from a wealthy family and was an absolute spendthrift. So I am an expert at cash management as I’ve been both ends of the spectrum ! These days many people have both a joint and personal account, which sounds best for you, especially as you are quizzed over all you spend. If he has a higher income than you, surely out of love and respect for you and your life together, he should put in more ? Marriage is all about compromise, give and take etc ....of course you could show him all these posts !

I was traumatised by a divorce early on from a marriage where we (I thought!) shared everything.
Second time around we agreed to both have separate current accounts & savings accounts and a joint account for household expenses.
I find many people become very anxious about spending in retirement, when there's no longer a salary coming in. My other half has certainly become much more concerned (mean?) about money. He never worried much before or was too busy to think about it, so I really appreciate having separate accounts, as I find myself getting extremely irritated by comments about some spending in joint account!