refusing a gift

I think you are right to be cautious given their history of giving gifts with outrageous strings regarding decisions that are none of their business. Charging credit card (not even bank) interest rates to profit from your child seems very grabby.

I would make sure that this gift is string-free and if DH really wants to accept it perhaps place it into a savings account so that you can repay if conditions are suddenly imposed

I find this sad. Not because you have reservations about accepting money but because of your comments saying you are not close and you never ask them to babysit. Maybe it would be nice if you refused the money but still tried to get closer? Paternal grandparents often feel left out because DIL alienate them for whatever reasons. It’s not a problem of mine but have heard it so often. Perhaps try to include the parents in your lives? Then whatever they offer may be genuine without strings offered with love?

Bluegal, I don’t ask my own parents to babysit either, this isn’t a “DIL thing”.

We make sure all the grandparents see the wee ones regularly but if for some reason I did need childcare, we both think we’d be more comfortable with a professional.

There’s just been too much water under the bridge on all sides for us not to be wary of either set blowing up over something small that could happen if they were babysitting. Both mums have blown up at us over the wee ones not liking food they were served and MIL finds being called ‘granny’ by the toddlers personally insulting.

It’s all very minor stuff like that but honestly we don’t want to try and manage a whole stream of incidents like that. It’s just easier on everyone if they see the GPs with us there so the GPs aren’t being put in the difficult position of trying to parent. They were all quick to lift their hands when we were small and we wouldn’t be surprised if they did that either. This really worries DH.

My PILs by their own admission tried to put an end to our relationship for many years and I really don’t expect they would ever want to be close to me. Before eldest was born and it became obvious I wasn’t going to be seperated from a newborn for long periods, I was specifically disinvited from a lot of family events (Christmas in particular). Obviously DH went along because that’s his mum but spending Christmases on my own with the dog wasn’t pleasant.

I am always pleasant and polite for DH and the kids’ sake but I think that’s the best it’s likely to get.

DH has had some terrible rows with them over the years about his career etc and he wouldn’t thank me for pushing them on him, either. They don’t get along well.

I’m close to my BIL and own brother and we see a lot of them, we’re not loners. They don’t see much of the parents for their own reasons, maybe once every other month.

We are in a similar position to your PIL in that we have lots of spare income and savings and have given some to our DDs but not with any expectation or strings. From your description I can see you are not close so I think you are wise to be a little apprehensive. I do think it would be churlish to refuse given that they gave the same to your BIL and your DH wants to accept. I would be wary about spending it all straight away just in case there is a sudden expectation that this money gives them certain rights.

I think inviting them over to the new house and maybe giving them a meal is a nice gesture. If you have different parenting styles and it sounds like they are a little bit judgemental then keeping to the existing arrangements sounds fine. Do they ask to babysit on their own?

Clio thanks for advice. I don’t think they will ask any more once number three arrives. They ask for the eldest on her own quite often as they seem to prefer her but I would never agree to that because I feel like it’s playing favourites. I wouldn’t send any of them anywhere except school without their siblings along or at least invited to join. It’s just something that’s important to me.

I also wouldn’t dream of asking two elderly people to look after a three year old, a two year old and a newborn. I just don’t think that’s in any way a reasonable request!!

I’d take the money and not spend it straight away so that if they start making conditions you can give it back.
Then when the children are a bit older treat yourselves to a nice holiday.

They sound horrendous! Expecting you to spend Christmas on your own, words fail me! I also was smacked as a child and have never done it to my own children so I really feel for you. As for the money I think your DH should accept it for himself to match the gift given to his brother. He sounds supportive of you except over the Christmas incident. Why did he spend it with his mother and not you.

What a pair of control freaks.
I like Gerispringers idea. But if they started with the controlling I would draw the money out (in cash) and tell them to shove it where the sun doesn't shine.

My DDs both own their own houses, not jointly with their DH and Partner and have struggled to accept money from their Inlaws as the are fiercely independent and proud to stand on their own two feet. (though they have had no problem with accepting financial help from us .

When one SIL received a small legacy he spent it on a large workshop/shed for the garden which is strictly his domain. The other SoutL did much the same when he had a legacy from his GM. However, his, well off, parents are busy trying to pass on as much as possible to their DC and DGC to avoid death duties and DD has had to graciously accept a substantial amount which is specifically ring-fenced to build a bedroom and bathroom extension for the DGC. DD is comfortable with this as the money is being given and spent for the benefit of the Grandchildren.

About Christmas: I always felt if he wanted to be with his parents rather than me I didn’t have any right to tell another adult where to eat Christmas dinner. I don’t come between them. My mum has a lot of problems and Christmas makes her worse, she doesn’t like me around at Christmas so I’ve not often been allowed round to hers that day. I thought I would be invited to all the family stuff once we were married but that didn’t happen. I was allowed to birthdays and Boxing Day and the events where the friends of PILs are usually invited, just not to the family stuff.

I talked to DH when the eldest baby was born and said that obviously he was free as ever to make his own choices about what he did at big holidays, but I wouldn’t agree to be separated from the baby on days like Christmas and Mothers Day. So if he went, he would be going alone as usual but with no baby. After a few months I started to be invited to stuff but tbh after nearly two decades I don’t feel welcome. It’s piddly little stuff like I’m a veggie and there’s meat in literally everything so nothing I can eat, there’s never enough chairs for me so I’m the one told to sit on the floor, stuff like that. I obviously act like it’s totally fine but it does bother me inside.

So I spend Christmas at home with my little ones and anyone who wants to visit is made welcome. I even make sure everyone gets a chair haha!!

Geri that’s a good idea to leave it in the bank for a bit if DH takes it.

What should we do though if they start pushing him to spend it?

Sorry if I seem really anxious over this, I’m sure I’m overthinking it

They are going to leave it to you when they die so why not let them see you benefit from the money whilst they are alive?

Forgive me if I’m wrongmuffin but have you posted before under another name? Because if you have then I can understand your post a bit more.

Complicated. They appear to want to give you the money. If you can insist upon no strings it should, I think, be ok.

I can't imagine why you have to sit on the floor at their home. Doesn't DH give you his seat or can't a child sit on your knee or snuggle up in an arm chair?

If they ask you what you are going to spend it on say a holiday ( and maybe go away at Christmas )

I think it is most ungracious to refuse a gift. Also, I am actually rather shocked that you say, "We are not close". These people are your husband's parents – never mind whether you ask them to babysit or not – they are trying to make their much-loved son's life easier.

Thanks ladies.

I think I am probably being overanxious about this and have asked DH to handle it as he sees fit since they are his parents. I have enough on my plate right now as it is!

I’m sure I’ll be back if it all does sideways but let’s hope for the best whatever he decides!!

Besst, no sorry

absent, I was just trying to be honest as possible about the background, it’s a lot of money?

It's a lot to you but not to them.

When they die you will inherit but they will never see you benefit.

Giving you some of the money now is lovely for them to see you enjoy it.

I’ve mulled all this over and I have come to the conclusion you just think totally different to anything I have experienced.

Obviously I have no idea exactly how controlling your in laws might be so cannot advise whether you should accept any money from them. But you state you would rather have professionals looking after your children than grandparents? I don’t understand this. Unless the grandparents are totally unreliable or unstable then how are strangers better? I totally “get” that some grandparents can’t manage three young children at once but why insist they all go together? Why can’t the children have individual bonding with grandparents? If that’s the case?

Also the niggles you mention about food and names are just that! Niggles.

I’ve loafs of grandchildren and can’t manage all at once and IF every comment I made about food etc was taken to heart I would never ever see any of them.

I think you need to lighten up a bit. Nobody is perfect and we all have our own idiosyncrasies and ways.

Tbh if you were my d or DIL I would be totally upset with this treatment of me for seemingly very petty reasons.

Having said that we only know what you have shared on here

Bluegal they see them pretty often they just don’t babysit. The kids do have a live relationship with them and that’s not something I’m trying to stop.

I don’t want to put too much identifying stuff on here but both me and DH don’t want a particular grandparent to see them alone.

The asking for one and only one grandchild bothers us because it’s the same one all the time. If they were asking for one at a time but the kids were taking turns (if that makes sense?) we’d probably feel differently about it. They also have extremely firm views on the “need” for the girls to be “seperated more” and object to them sharing a bedroom. They are obviously entitled to their opinions but we make our own decisions for the girls.

The food and names stuff involved them shouting at the girls and at us which we didn’t think was ok. They later both said this was because it was stressful to have both at once which is totally fair, so another reason we don’t want to ask them to do something (babysit) that stresses them out. We want them and the girls to enjoy the time they spend together.

I don’t feel comfortable talking about my relationship with mum here but I have had the appropriate professional help to manage it as best I can.

I appreciate all the advice about the gift issue and have decided how to think about that going forward. Thanks everyone

Well contrary to what the majority of posters are advising, I think that if you are uncomfortable taking the money and you don’t have a pressing need for it you shouldn’t have to accept it. There’s obviously a lots of history and background that we couldn’t possibly know. I don’t think it’s rude to graciously decline, in fact I think it’s rude to make you feel compelled to take it.

If they really want to do something for your family perhaps they could just buy the grandchildren some premium bonds or some other kind of investment and leave it to them for when they are older.

I wouldn't accept it either, so I can see why you dont want to

I found it strange they loaned money at credit card rates to family.

The school thing too, they sound rather controlling.

Goodness what an ungrateful DiL you are. I have in the past given both my children gifts of money (£10,000 each) as I’d rarher they have it now than wait till I’m gone.

Neither my SiL nor DiL expressed any misgivings and both families used it for home improvements. I’d add that I do have a good relationship with my children and their spouses, because all concerned have worked together to build this.

If you’re one who would rather build your own little family unit and not really bother with a wider extended family then best of luck with that jusr don’t complain when your own children treat you in the same way when they are older. Children learn by example.

I think, given their history, you would be justified to refuse it.
Do you think you can say that you “don’t need it at the moment, but would they mind investing it for you, in case you need a large purchase later on”? Or could they put it away for the children. That way you are not outright refusing the money.

@OldMeg, I wonder if you read the update. Unlike you, who generously gave money with love and no strings attached, these in-laws wanted to control how the money was spent.