Serious Discord Over a Gift

I am puzzled as to what motivated her to refuse your joint choice and buy a pink blob! Sounds very perverse.

Willa I do understand, sorry if you think I didn’t realise how awful this time must have been for you, I certainly didn’t mention anything about negligence or think that in the least when someone you love dearly is so ill everything goes out your mind but I just think there is no answer NOW it’s a done deed, you hate it, your husband loves it, and your daughter took over ( rightly or wrongly) You can go on about it and upset those two or you can cover it with a throw and get used to it ( I doubt your husband will even notice

Look at it as your beloved husbands legacy to his life instead of your daughter railroading you turn a negative into a positive there really is nothing else you can do

Willa I understand totally why you are upset about this! It’s not your choice and am guessing your DH (like mine) doesn’t care too much about how things “look”?

I think your DD is bang out of order going against your wishes. I’d be annoyed too. I can sense how angry you will feel looking at it Day in day out. To some people it would be a minor issue but if it matters to you it blooming matters ..end of!

Thing is what to do? Maybe have it reupholstered as someone said? Explain to DD you are grateful but hate the colour? I don’t know what kind of relationship you have with DD.

I agree it’s not worth a big fall out but the whole thing is undermining you and your wishes. (From your D I mean). As I said it would upset me too and I am fairly easy going. I just don’t like people taking over ?

Good luck and who knows, you may love the new upholstered version and be fighting DH to sit in it?

Lisalou, the chair is a present for both of them, Mother's day and Father's day. That's not the only issue, willa is also upset about D's disrespectful attitude.

Willa, it seems to me that you share a home. Regardless of your husband's health, the chair was a gift to him which HE likes. I understand that you don't. I am not saying you have to accept it because he has been ill, nearly died, etc. but because it is his home too, a gift, mainly for him, and he is happy with it.
Ask me about the sofa my husband loves and I detest. I have my armchair and I live with the sofa. It has a lovely throw on it, and life is too short.

Bluebelle, it wasn't negligence. For the last six months, my husband was in and out of hospital almost every other week. I was with him day and night and the last thing on my mind was buying chairs.

During a respite, I found one on line and showed it to him. We both liked it. I mentioned it to my daughter and she asked me to send her the link and she would take care of it.... as a gift for her dad.

For the next two months, his health continued to deteriorate badly. D didn't do anything about the chair either until last week when he finally had his valve replaced. I should mention that it hasn't been easy. I have had a very hard time with his illness, and I thought I had lost him more than once!

You have been railroaded but you can only be railroaded if you allow it to happen It sounds as if you rely on your daughter quite a lot as it was her that saved your husbands life basically and you were asking her opinion about the chair originally (and she is right about not knowing what you are getting if you buy online)
It’s a shame you didn’t just go ahead and buy it but you hesitated long enough to be ‘taken over’ and your husband is well up for it agreeing with her, so there’s nothing to be done but smile, cover it with a throw that fits in with your other furniture and be glad he’s still with you

I think your daughter has railroaded you a little bit with this and your husband has helped but in view of the fact he likes the gift and hopefully he will enjoy relaxing in it I would just put up with it. I understand why you feel like you have been disrespected though and think I would feel the same.

I guess putting it in the room he uses most would make most sense as well and given it arrives this week it is obviously too late to do anything about colour/style. Just be pleased it is just a chair and if anyone points out it does not match the rest of the furniture or is too big or whatever point out you did not choose it. You are obviously angry so maybe some distance for a while might be a good idea for you both to gain some perspective.

Good news regarding your husbands health which surely is most important. Would you be prepared to accept the chair if it were in a different fabric/colour to blend in with your colour scheme? Might that be a compromise acceptable to you all, husband has chair, daughter happy she could give the gift to her father, and your accepting the chair for his comfort.

Accept the chair with love, smile every time you look at it, laugh at the absurdity of being upset about a chair when you could have lost your husband.

Get it re upholstered!

www.reupholsterynyc.com/?gclid=Cj0KCQjw9LPYBRDSARIsAHL7J5kUenr-kE7eSrwOZ3gMQtFwELWaPPTX3xNuIwS9cxKeXykRqCXhSXAaAmzREALw_wcB

Falmer it’s not the OPs house it’s their house and he likes the chair. Why shouldn’t he have a piece of furniture that he likes?

Maybe he’s always hated the way Willa has furnished the house, but she’s always had things her way up till now and now he wants something that he actually likes.

Her responses show she doesn’t take any difference of opinion easily.

“They” not hen ?

Oh dear.
I people ask AIBU hen they should be as prepared for a “yes” as well as. “Of course you are not”
Personally I wouldn’t have a pink fluffy monstrosity in my house and reclining chairs come in all sorts of fabrics and colours so I am at a loss as to why she should think this appropriate. Why on earth agree to this colour? Compromise needed.

If that’s how you feel about our advice then fine Willa. ...just carry on and do as you like.

I agree with you Willa. It is your house. Wives usually have more say on decor/ furniture in my experience as men often don't care. You have to live with it so it should at least be a colour you like. I would feel annoyed if a DD treated me like this. Glad your DH is a lot better.

Willa, the chair was a gift accept it graciously, your husband's wellbeing is more important than any piece of furniture. You and your daughter should be rejoicing together that your husband is alive and well.

You asked for help, a number of posters gave you the advice of ‘try not to worry about it and accept it, as your husband loves it and it’s a done deed’ but you didn’t really want advice you wanted understanding and agreement

You asked your daughters advice then went silent with no action, so she took over, you allowed her to and then you complain afterwards You allowed yourself to be railroaded and now feel resentful You should have brought the chair you wanted right at the beginning, your daughter gave you the space to buy your own, when she didn’t answer your email but you didn’t go ahead, and obviously knowing you hated recliners she presumed you weren’t going to buy one and took over

I wouldn’t want a pink monstrosity in my main room either but then I d never allow someone else to choose furniture for me Your mistake was in hovering for weeks and now you could kick yourself, but have transfered your blame to her

(I would say she is right about buying furniture off the net without sitting in it you would have no idea of its comfort)

Your last post made me think willa and you're absolutely right! Your H's illness and recovery is separate from your daughter's issue. And it is her issue actually, not yours. You've made it clear to H and D that you don't want that particular chair in your home. I see what you mean now and yes, it would have been a different response from me if H hadn't been ill. I would have been saying "cheeky mare, cancel the delivery"! It's your house willa, not your daughter's. It's a large piece of furniture and should be something that is to the liking of both yourself and H. You're going to have to put your foot down. Ask D if she would accept a large chair that she really didn't like into her home, (bet she wouldn't) whether someone's been ill or not? YANBU to feel disrespected and railroaded. How about suggesting to both H and D that he doesn't really need the chair now (feeling better) and that the money could be used for a nice break (mother/fathers day gift) instead? Is that a possibility? Is D often like this or has her dad's illness affected her to the point of being rude? Btw, I'm glad you just gave me that kick up the bum, my D (aged 26) gets away with murder, so thanks for that! x

Would it have made a difference if my H had been healthy all along and this was just another Father's Day gift from our DD?

Some of you seem to feel that my daughter deserves a pass for rude behavior in light of her generosity and that I should just 'suck it up' in an overwhelming display of gratitude because in another startling development, my H just made a remarkable recovery.

So, just to be clear....Being upset with my daughter, grateful for my H's recovery and loving my H and my D, are not mutually exclusive ....they can all happen at the same time!!

...and Janeainsworth, Sodapop and Monica ...thank you for understanding why I feel the way I do!

I can understand you not wanting a bulky and ugly piece of furniture in your sitting room but, in the grand scheme of things, is it really that important? If your husband likes the chair and it has been bought to make him more comfortable, surely that is a good thing?

I really don't think it's worth having bad feelings between you and your husband and your daughter, especially after such a worrying time with your husband's health.

I often say to myself 'never again' if we've had a quarrelsome day out with my daughter but find myself calling her a day or two later to see if she wants another day out somewhere! Me too, Belgravian. What is it with mothers and daughters? Willa, it's upsetting and frustrating, but I think just accept it now and draw a line under it (if you possibly can). So glad to hear your H got through it all and making such a speedy recovery.

Draw a line under this. Your DH likes the chair and you are in danger of getting all worked up about a fait accompli and falling out with your daughter.

Back track quickly. Tell herbthe chair is great, that you have been so worried about your DH that you’ve not been yourself, and ask for a hug.

It’s really not worth falling out over. As someone else said, fling a throw over it when not in use (or even if DH is using it, chuck a throw over him too).

Well he likes it. It’s his house too. Maybe his brush with death has made him decide to have things his way for a change!

Wonderful news about your husband.

Your daughter and you sound like two lovely but strong minded women!

You aren't by chance an Aries and a Taurus are you? My daughter and I get on great until we clash horns over something!

I think the chair had become a symbol for your daughter - her gift to a father that would bring him comfort and she probably had a vision of what it would look like. Buying it online might not have had the personal touch, so going to the shop and selecting what was her preference made her feel good about what is her lovely gift to her father.

But, I fully understand how you feel as it is your home it will be in and you will see it everyday. You might even hate it more because it will remind you of the clash with your daughter.

Ultimately your daughter and you both wanted what's best for your husband and it would be a shame to fall out over it.

I don't know if you can but if possible you could turn it into a joke with your husband and have a nickname for 'that darn chair' and come to laugh at it's unaesthetic appeal?

As already mentioned, a nice throw should cover most of it up when not in use.

Hope the distraction of your husband being well will see you doing more and help you move on from the unpleasantness with your daughter.

I often say to myself 'never again' if we've had a quarrelsome day out with my daughter but find myself calling her a day or two later to see if she wants another day out somewhere!