Gransnet forums

AIBU

Serious Discord Over a Gift

(60 Posts)
willa45 Mon 28-May-18 19:46:53

Awhile back I wrote about my husband's illness and about a condition called Afib. He wasn't getting better so we got a 2nd opinion and long story short, it wasn't the Afib that was making him so sick...his aortic valve was almost blocked. Last week he underwent a valve replacement that was done successfully and he has made a remarkable recovery after a long, desperate journey that lasted almost six months (but that's another story and another thread).

My issue today (apologies for length) is that some three months ago we decided to shop for a recliner chair, because at the time H couldn't sleep at all, no matter where we put him.

I finally found one in a reasonable price range and my daughter asked me to send her the link saying we had enough expenses to deal with and she would be happy to pay for it as a gift for her Dad. I sent her the link but didn't hear anything else about it. A few weeks later, (probably around March?) I asked her if she got my email and what happened with the chair. She said we needed to talk because she didn't like the idea of buying furniture on line.

In the meantime my husband was getting worse and we were spending a lot of time in hospital, doctors visits, Emergency rooms etc. No more discussion about the chair nor did I give it any further thought because by the end of April we were beyond that and my husband was fighting for his life.

By May 15th he was so sick, my daughter got us an appointment with a specialist in New York City. He was admitted the same day and last Monday, he got a new heart valve via femoral catherization which is considered minimally invasive. It's like a miracle! He was released two days later and just this weekend was already driving the car! Yesterday we went to the food market and he is like a new man.

Back to chair issue. We decided to stay at my daughter's until Friday because she lives close to the city. On Thursday morning she confronted me about the chair accusing me of not following through with it. She said the chair was important because he was going to need it more than ever. I reminded her that we had already picked a chair we both liked and that I had sent her the link but didn't hear back from her. She told me flat out that the chair I had picked looked good on line but that it was probably uncomfortable and cheap. She then offered to take us to a local dealer and once again reminded us that she would be happy to pay for it. Son in Law suggested she just give us the credit card and allow us pick it out.

She insisted on going anyway, accusing me of worrying more about how the chair looked in my living room over her dad's comfort and well being. I countered with the fact that a recliner could fulfill both conditions (looks and comfort).

At the store she found fault with every chair I looked at. She finally took over and picked out an enormous pink/beige fuzzy monstrosity. When I flat out said I didn't like it, she snapped at me in front of the salesperson saying it was her gift for Dad and that his comfort and well being were more important to her (as if I didn't love him too). My husband of course was delighted with the chair, because he is aesthetically challenged. The chair is powered and has a lot of buttons. It also cost twice as much as the one we had originally chosen. What's not to like?

My H even denied he ever agreed to the original (cheaper chair) we had picked ...the one we could afford. He accused me of being ungrateful and says that I've started a ruckus. I later asked my H...."If the car needed a paint job and she offered to pay for it, would you be ungrateful if she chose an ugly shade of purple and you told her you didn't like it? ....and since it's my car too, what if I gave her permission to go ahead with it anyway even though you didn't like the color? Would you be happy about that?" He didn't have anything to say except "...it's a gift for me...and what does that have to do with anything?"

Daughter in the meantime told one of her siblings that she had to step in because I probably never had any intention of buying a recliner anyway because I think they're unsightly. She also told me BTW, that the chair is both a Father's Day and a Mother's day gift.

AIBU to feel as though I have been disrespected, railroaded and treated unfairly? Our daughter was instrumental in finding a specialist and getting her dad seen so quickly...otherwise, he could have died. I'm thankful beyond words for that and I love her dearly. But this chair thing although seemingly trivial has hurt me deeply. I am so angry over this, I can't seem to get over it.

Chair is being delivered Thursday. Of course I have thought about sending it back, but that would cause WW III and no one would forgive me for doing that. I've no choice but to live with it. I am willing to move my vanity into the guest room so we can put the chair in a corner of our bedroom. H however just announced he would like to put it in our family room (%%###!!!) and daughter and I aren't speaking!

Please help!

Jane10 Mon 28-May-18 19:56:11

Just put up with it. Look on it as a symbol of your DDs love for her Dad.

Besstwishes Mon 28-May-18 19:59:46

You could always put a throw over it, but if your DH loves it then I don’t see a problem. Such a daft thing to fall out over isn’t it? The Colour of a chair that your DH needs.

Eglantine21 Mon 28-May-18 20:04:04

Your husband is alive. I can’t believe you’re making a fuss about a chair!

Rosieroe Mon 28-May-18 20:07:19

Think yourself lucky that your H is still there to use the chair and direct your eyes and your thoughts towards him relaxing in it rather than just looking at the chair. I think it’s lovely of your daughter to think of his well-being and buy something for his comfort. And you don’t want him to have use of it in the family room? You can always go sit in the bedroom on your own and then you won’t have to look at him or the chair.

willa45 Mon 28-May-18 20:09:13

Eglantine.....Of course I'm grateful my husband is alive!

BlueBelle Mon 28-May-18 20:22:04

Sorry Willa I don’t see the problem either It may not be to your taste but if your husband, daughter and everyone else is happy with it why worry a chair is a chair is a chair if it’s comfy and your husbands alive and happy and daughters coughed up the money what’s not to like

janeainsworth Mon 28-May-18 20:35:06

Well I can see willa’s point.
I wouldn’t want someone else’s choice of chair in my sitting room unless it happened to be my taste too.
I think sometimes people derive so much satisfaction out of giving that they forget the feelings of the recipient(s).
The selfless thing for willa’s D to have done would have been to simply write a cheque and let her parents get the chair of their choice.
Gifts with conditions aren’t really gifts.
But willa I’m afraid you’ll just have to suck it up and get ready to say no next time.
I hope your DH makes s good recovery flowers

sodapop Mon 28-May-18 20:41:53

Yes I can see Willa's point too. In this case though I think you have to accept graciously, your daughter is obviously concerned about her father. As someone else said you can always put a throw over it and if your husband is comfortable and happy then job done.

M0nica Mon 28-May-18 20:47:49

My sympathies are with willa. A gift should be something the recipient would like and can enjoy. Not something foisted upon them by someone who thinks they know better than the recipient what they really want. Obviously first and most important the chair must be the one that the recipient finds most comfortaable, but then aesthetics do come into play.

If it were my daughter, I would have told her firmly and politely that the one she had chosen was not suitable and that I would make my own arrangements to choose and buy a new chair. the same style was probably available in a range of different colours and fabrics anyway.

I wonder if Willa's daughter insisted on the decoratively challenging one because that way everyone coming into the house would notice it and would be told how generous DD was in purchasibg it for her father.

Sounds like an ego trip for the daughter.

Belgravian Mon 28-May-18 21:19:20

Wonderful news about your husband.

Your daughter and you sound like two lovely but strong minded women!

You aren't by chance an Aries and a Taurus are you? My daughter and I get on great until we clash horns over something!

I think the chair had become a symbol for your daughter - her gift to a father that would bring him comfort and she probably had a vision of what it would look like. Buying it online might not have had the personal touch, so going to the shop and selecting what was her preference made her feel good about what is her lovely gift to her father.

But, I fully understand how you feel as it is your home it will be in and you will see it everyday. You might even hate it more because it will remind you of the clash with your daughter.

Ultimately your daughter and you both wanted what's best for your husband and it would be a shame to fall out over it.

I don't know if you can but if possible you could turn it into a joke with your husband and have a nickname for 'that darn chair' and come to laugh at it's unaesthetic appeal?

As already mentioned, a nice throw should cover most of it up when not in use.

Hope the distraction of your husband being well will see you doing more and help you move on from the unpleasantness with your daughter.

I often say to myself 'never again' if we've had a quarrelsome day out with my daughter but find myself calling her a day or two later to see if she wants another day out somewhere!

Eglantine21 Mon 28-May-18 21:39:46

Well he likes it. It’s his house too. Maybe his brush with death has made him decide to have things his way for a change!

OldMeg Mon 28-May-18 21:59:37

Draw a line under this. Your DH likes the chair and you are in danger of getting all worked up about a fait accompli and falling out with your daughter.

Back track quickly. Tell herbthe chair is great, that you have been so worried about your DH that you’ve not been yourself, and ask for a hug.

It’s really not worth falling out over. As someone else said, fling a throw over it when not in use (or even if DH is using it, chuck a throw over him too).

Falmer Mon 28-May-18 23:49:42

I often say to myself 'never again' if we've had a quarrelsome day out with my daughter but find myself calling her a day or two later to see if she wants another day out somewhere! grin grin Me too, Belgravian. What is it with mothers and daughters?smile Willa, it's upsetting and frustrating, but I think just accept it now and draw a line under it (if you possibly can). So glad to hear your H got through it all and making such a speedy recovery.flowers

Eloethan Mon 28-May-18 23:54:45

I can understand you not wanting a bulky and ugly piece of furniture in your sitting room but, in the grand scheme of things, is it really that important? If your husband likes the chair and it has been bought to make him more comfortable, surely that is a good thing?

I really don't think it's worth having bad feelings between you and your husband and your daughter, especially after such a worrying time with your husband's health.

willa45 Tue 29-May-18 00:02:18

Would it have made a difference if my H had been healthy all along and this was just another Father's Day gift from our DD?

Some of you seem to feel that my daughter deserves a pass for rude behavior in light of her generosity and that I should just 'suck it up' in an overwhelming display of gratitude because in another startling development, my H just made a remarkable recovery.

So, just to be clear....Being upset with my daughter, grateful for my H's recovery and loving my H and my D, are not mutually exclusive ....they can all happen at the same time!!

...and Janeainsworth, Sodapop and Monica ...thank you for understanding why I feel the way I do!

Falmer Tue 29-May-18 04:40:12

Your last post made me think willa and you're absolutely right! Your H's illness and recovery is separate from your daughter's issue. And it is her issue actually, not yours. You've made it clear to H and D that you don't want that particular chair in your home. I see what you mean now and yes, it would have been a different response from me if H hadn't been ill. I would have been saying "cheeky mare, cancel the delivery"! It's your house willa, not your daughter's. It's a large piece of furniture and should be something that is to the liking of both yourself and H. You're going to have to put your foot down. Ask D if she would accept a large chair that she really didn't like into her home, (bet she wouldn't) whether someone's been ill or not? YANBU to feel disrespected and railroaded. How about suggesting to both H and D that he doesn't really need the chair now (feeling better) and that the money could be used for a nice break (mother/fathers day gift) instead? Is that a possibility? Is D often like this or has her dad's illness affected her to the point of being rude? Btw, I'm glad you just gave me that kick up the bum, my D (aged 26) gets away with murder, so thanks for that! x

BlueBelle Tue 29-May-18 05:13:28

You asked for help, a number of posters gave you the advice of ‘try not to worry about it and accept it, as your husband loves it and it’s a done deed’ but you didn’t really want advice you wanted understanding and agreement

You asked your daughters advice then went silent with no action, so she took over, you allowed her to and then you complain afterwards You allowed yourself to be railroaded and now feel resentful You should have brought the chair you wanted right at the beginning, your daughter gave you the space to buy your own, when she didn’t answer your email but you didn’t go ahead, and obviously knowing you hated recliners she presumed you weren’t going to buy one and took over

I wouldn’t want a pink monstrosity in my main room either but then I d never allow someone else to choose furniture for me Your mistake was in hovering for weeks and now you could kick yourself, but have transfered your blame to her

(I would say she is right about buying furniture off the net without sitting in it you would have no idea of its comfort)

Billybob4491 Tue 29-May-18 06:21:23

Willa, the chair was a gift accept it graciously, your husband's wellbeing is more important than any piece of furniture. You and your daughter should be rejoicing together that your husband is alive and well.

mumofmadboys Tue 29-May-18 06:22:47

I agree with you Willa. It is your house. Wives usually have more say on decor/ furniture in my experience as men often don't care. You have to live with it so it should at least be a colour you like. I would feel annoyed if a DD treated me like this. Glad your DH is a lot better.

OldMeg Tue 29-May-18 06:32:23

If that’s how you feel about our advice then fine Willa. ...just carry on and do as you like.

MawBroon Tue 29-May-18 06:53:32

Oh dear.
I people ask AIBU hen they should be as prepared for a “yes” as well as. “Of course you are not”
Personally I wouldn’t have a pink fluffy monstrosity in my house and reclining chairs come in all sorts of fabrics and colours so I am at a loss as to why she should think this appropriate. Why on earth agree to this colour? Compromise needed.

MawBroon Tue 29-May-18 06:54:43

“They” not hen 😱

Eglantine21 Tue 29-May-18 10:12:09

Falmer it’s not the OPs house it’s their house and he likes the chair. Why shouldn’t he have a piece of furniture that he likes?

Maybe he’s always hated the way Willa has furnished the house, but she’s always had things her way up till now and now he wants something that he actually likes.

Her responses show she doesn’t take any difference of opinion easily.

Belgravian Tue 29-May-18 10:54:07

Get it re upholstered!

www.reupholsterynyc.com/?gclid=Cj0KCQjw9LPYBRDSARIsAHL7J5kUenr-kE7eSrwOZ3gMQtFwELWaPPTX3xNuIwS9cxKeXykRqCXhSXAaAmzREALw_wcB