When does helping someone become interference

Your aunt clearly appreciates your help and as you have been helping her for 4 years why hasn't your cousin come out with her' views' before now.? It should be up to your cousin to help her mother with the issues of paperwork and benefits and according to your aunt it does not seem she has been doing this ?.Has your cousin refused to help her mother with these issues ??then why shouldn't you help if your aunt has asked you to do this.

I think DanniRae is spot on - the cousin is feeling guilty. Carry on and don't let it spoil your visits which your aunt clearly appreciates.

I had a similar reaction from the cousin of a friend I had visited a lot when she was gravely ill. As it happened I was the only one available when she was first diagnosed & stayed for 10 days at my friend's request. The cousin made pointed remarks afterwards and even at the funeral she asked a childhood friend if I was always the boss. I was mortified but no one else took any notice. Keep visiting your aunt for hers and yours sake. Avoid the daughter if possible.

I would avoid visiting when your cousin is there you and your aunt obviously have a good relationship .Maybe she is feeling a bit guilty and jealous of the relationship that's her problem and you and your aunt should just carry on enjoying each others company .

Nellie17, s always some very good points made here by GNers.

Just a few things occurred to me in addition to what's already been said that may affect your cousin's comment.

Your cousin is clearly put out and and rather than addressing any concerns she might have about you help, motivation to help, she made a cutting comment. Was it in jest? If you thought she was a jesting kind of person you might not have felt so hurt so I don't think it was said in jest.

You said you stayed away before your aunt was widowed because you uncle wasn't very nice.

Is your cousin more like her dad than her mum? Was her comment more along the line of what her dad would have said?

Also, your cousin is single, therefore, maybe the process of caring isn't as natural to her as it is to you?

Could it be your life experience/willingness to research, to help, is something she hadn't thought about doing for her mum?

As others have said I wonder how much of her comment is driven by guilt.

Maybe your cousin would like to have the kind of support you're giving your aunt but doesn't show it. Maybe she would benefit from the advice/information you've given your aunt and didn't know it until you got it for your aunt.

Maybe your aunt hasn't had as much care/support in the past so your aunt is singing your praises and that is clearly annoying your cousin.

So many questions for you to ask yourself that might give you some insight into what motivated your cousin to make her remark. Not that more insight will change what happened but it may help you recover from your hurt and help you in any future contact with your cousin.

As for talking to your cousin about it? Unless there is a natural situation where you feel you must speak up I'd leave it and pay attention to what happens next.

I'd visit when she's not there and ask your aunt if she feels helped by you or if she feels you are interfering.

Once you are clear about how your aunt feels you can make your choice about how you go forward.

Also once you are clear about how your aunt sees your visit/input you might give yourself the best chance of taking care of your and your aunt's feeling in any future situations.

Wishing you all the best and may you recover from your hurt quickly and guard agains any future hurt.

This may stir up a hornet's nest, but I was wondering whether you could suggest to your Aunt that she could set up Lasting Power of Attorney? That way it would be clear who she wanted to deal with her affairs, as she could nominate you, your cousin or both of you, and it would all be crystal clear that it was above board.

Gabriella....... Thanks for that, I didn't google as I thought these abbreviations were exclusive to gransnet lol.

Your cousin should be grateful that you will be close at hand in years to come, when your aunt becomes reliant on care. She wouldn't want to travel 2 hours each way for what she might think is a trivial matter. You'll be able to react quickly if your aunt needs help.

Hi GabrielleG. - the top of the page has a link to ‘Acronyms ‘. Click on that for the most common ones used on GN. Hope this helps!

Sorry GabriellaG I see now my suggestion ought to have been for lollee. ?

I would let it go. At this point, an explanation could be awkward and possibly be misconstrued. Best to ignore your cousin's snide comment and carry on as if nothing.

Thanks Urmstongran.

Families can have very strange dynamics.
One thing that has not been mentioned is inheritance, in my family there has been a lot of nastiness with members feeling that they have been /or are about to be 'done out of ' something. I don't know what the answer is but be careful with wills and powers of attorney if your Aunt is 94 you could open yourself up to all sorts of accusations.

How did you get on with your cousin when you were younger?

If you and she were never close because you kept away, not liking your uncle much, she probably is wondering why you are being so helpful now.

I would try to ignore the remark and I think your idea of visiting when your cousin isn't there, is the option I would choose in your place, but I do see the point made about that being misunderstood.

Could you ask your aunt whether she prefers one visitor at a time?

I can see how the issue of inheritance could be an issue in some cases but my aunt lives in a rented local authority house and has no savings. She has nothing to leave anyone.

Without giving too much personal info on a public site I can say that my cousin hated her father and didn't speak a civil word to him for at least 40 years!

That was unnecessarily nasty; your cousin could have spoken to you privately if she had concerns or felt you were doing too much. If your aunt is happy with what you do that is all that matters. I would carry on with visits as frequently as now but as another poster has suggested, ring first. It will be better for your aunt to have two separate visits in any event, rather than two visitors at once and then nobody for a few days. It is hurtful when people suspect you. I visited an elderly man years ago who appeared to have nobody; when he was nearing the end two relatives suddenly appeared and were rather frosty until they realised he had left them everything, then suddenly they became friendly and thanked me for popping in!

Well at the end of the day it's up to the Aunt, who sounds like she has no mental condition that would remove he right to decide who she sees and whose help she accepts. I think the only thing I would say is don't give the advice or help while the daughter is actually there watching, to save any awkward situations.

Just an observation that may or may not apply. Some old people can be very two-faced, praising people then criticising them behind their backs. I speak from personal experience and I suppose the motive is wanting to please everybody. Rather than avoid your cousin I would speak to both of them together saying that in the past you have done things for your aunt because she has asked you to but you now feel that your help is being iterpreted as interference. I would ask them both if they want you to continue to help or not. Things are best out in the open rather than being skirted around.

Jane, but what if the Aunt didn't want the daughter to know - for an innocent reason like not making her feel upstaged? Thats why I said just don't help her or talk about helping her in front of the daughter. Two-faced of course does sometimes happen, but she may not have actually been slagging off the OP, simply not mentioning it till the daughter saw it happen for herself

Oh dear, what a difficult situation. I think that lots of posters here have given answers and suggestions illustrating different points of view, that you hopefully have found helpful.

I think, putting a different view on it all, that if I discovered that my mother was talking to a ‘long lost’ niece (which you are in many way, as you stayed away from your aunt while her unpleasant husband was around) and was being advised about health and finances that I would be pleased that my mum had someone to talk to and confide in BUT possibly also be somewhat surprised, a little hurt and possibly a bit guilty that I hadn’t been able to provide advice for my own mother.

If your cousin was advising your mother for four years about health and money how would you feel? Particularly if you hadn’t known for four years?

My great aunt was 104 when she died, at home peacefully, and my mother was her surrogate daughter, visiting and staying as often as she could, while living two hours away. We also got on well with her and visited fairly frequently. We were quite shocked when we found out that a great great niece from my aunts estranged family, who lived five hours away, was also visiting for the final year of her life. Had we known, we could have organised visits better so that visits were better spaced out.

Hope it goes well and do keep visiting your aunt, lovely for you both. I can’t give any advice apart from that but I do wonder if Power of Attorney is a huge step to take at present? ?

Who initiates the tea and chats? If it's your aunt, that's one thing, if it's you then a bit different. However fond one is of elderly relatives the inheritance factor is bound to influence the relationship to some extent in one way or another.

I agree the daughter is jealous, off my patch please.

Urmstongran
Thanks for that. Although I know your reply was meant for lollee, I had no idea they were accessible from GN. It took me a while to figure out that I could Google to find acronyms when I first joined GN and there are still some I can never remember.

We mostly seem to have decided the daughter's probably not pulling her weight. How do you know how often the daughter visits? My grandma (who was in no way senile) used to tell everyone that no family ever bothered to visit her- although my mother called on her every day.

Although this seems like a rather rude and unecessary comment, you don't know what the daughter is doing when you are not there. It could be that she is trying to 'keep the wheels on' for her Mother, her efforts are being rebuffed by said Mother, and then she has to put up with phone calls praising you, the long lost niece, who is apparently being really helpful with money and such......I am not in anyway suggesting anything untowards in your behaviour, but let's look at it the other way; if you were the daughter, and a cousin who you had not seen for years, started turning up, being kind to your Mother, helping her with finances etc........There are always two sides to this. Maybe you and said cousin could talk together, agree on your mutual dislike of her Father keeping you apart for years, and work together to help her DM. I know a little of what I speak, my DM says things to my brother which come across as hurtful and as if they came from me