AIBU to expect a gift?

Its my birthday tomorrow so will see what happens!!

We still give each other presents, but have long since agreed not to exchange cards.

I think the real issue here is AGREEING about what you do.

I would be very hurt if DH suddenly decided without asking me that I didn't need anything.

To me a present is not necessarily something you need, but is either something you would like to have, or something the giver wants you to have.

Do try to discuss this with each other: being hurt and saying nothing won't solve the problem, and stopping buying anything for DH will either be taken to mean you agree not to give presents, or hurt him.

My DH is at a loss to know what I want (even if I tell him what I would like) he really needs a) to be reminded of the date of my birthday at the beginning of the month, because once we get to the actual day, at the end of the month, he has no, or not enough cash left, b) I have to convince him I really would like such-and-such, and if it is useful rather than pretty or valuable that it is quite all right for him to give me something I have asked for even if it is useful, and in his words "You could just go and buy it".

Does this sound familiar? Men seem to me to entirely miss the point that being given something instead of having to go out and buy it can be a treat in itself!

I adore flowers and since I've been able to afford it I almost always have them all over the house. One of my lodgers noticed that I usually bought my own and made a point of buying me some and pointing it out to The Wonderful Man - it took a while, but eventually the penny dropped and now I'm often bought flowers for no special reason.
It's taken several years for him to notice that I never buy myself mixed bunches (garage flowers) and he's now taken to buying me the sort of flowers I prefer.

I would not cook him a meal and see what he had to say about that. He is taking you for granted and it is not a nice feeling. Let him see that. As my birthday on August bank holiday weekend every year I get the works, we are on holiday anyway, tea in bed, day out somewhere, meal out, birthday cake, cards and presents form dh, dc and family. If a birthday ending in 0 a party too.

My ex (11 years) always sends me cards on birthday, Christmas and Valentine's day and flowers and/or money into my bank to buy a gift. He's still single so not offending a current partner.
My OH gives cards which are sometimes e-cards if he's abroad on business. He's a clothes-a-holic so likes to take me shopping and on to dinner somewhere pre-booked.
On this year's birthday it was a dress, shoes and dinner at Clos Maggiore where he also gave me a tennis bracelet.
I don't think his first wife was treated to as many gifts so I tend to dress down when I meet her.

I was my birthday on Tuesday and I would have been really upset if DH didn't even give me a card! We don't exchange expensive extravagant gifts now, but we always give each other something and always a lovely card. On Tuesday we went to a local beach where we could walk the dog, we had a nice coffee and sat by the sea eating ice creams. Before we left DH bought me a bag of candyfloss (which he knows I love) to take home. In the evening we went out for a meal at a local restaurant. I thoroughly enjoyed the day. On Sunday it will be our wedding anniversary (a special one), I have already given him my gift - a rose for the garden, and I will take him out for lunch at a new restaurant.

LyndaW I think you should definitely tell him how disappointed you are with his thoughtlessness and lack of imagination. He should know you well enough by now to choose suitable gifts. He's just being lazy!

Well you know what to do when it's his birthday don't you?

That is a great shame and I would be upset too. We stopped buying presents - just cards but, went out for a meal to celebrate. It was something we discussed though: it was not just imposed on the other party.
Would it help just to speak to him and say that you understand him not buying a gift as you are decluttering but that you would like to have your special dates acknowledged with a nice card and a little gift. You will do the same for him.
Men can be dense when it comes to recognising feelings. He probably does not even realise that he hurt you.

Buy yourself a big bunch of flowers as well

My husband and I always buy each other birthday presents and cards, he's better at buying presents than me. But we rarely buy each other Christmas presents, as we always wait until after Christmas then get something we both want and in the sale.

My friend's husband used to Christmas shop on pm of 24th Dec. They got divorced, and I genuinely think it was indicative of the way he felt about family life.

I think we are all different and its nice if our OH understands what we as individuals would like best - for some it will be a present, others an event and for people like me a birthday card and a big hug is all I really want - and even that can wait if one or other of us are away for work or whatever.

In both lean and prosperous times I was awakened with ' 'Happy birthday. I love you' and them a single rose would appear from beside the bed. All that was required ever. Remember the occasions with tender joy.

If it wasn't for my thoughtful dd my husband would forget/not bother and has always been rubbish at gifts (his family failing). My dd is great and notices/listens and always comes up with several small thoughtful gifts birthday/Christmas time (she gets that from me and me from my mum). One year I purchased myself something I had coveted for years and she took it gave to husband to give me as a gift along with the £s paid back. I got the gift but no £s so effectively bought it anyway. She did tell him off bit I'm still waiting. It is miserable bit I've decided if I like something now I'm just going to get it as after my 50th which passed him by unnoticed after I had gone to great expense for his that it was how things were going to be.

The only two days of the year I like to be spoilt is my birthday and Christmas and my hubby is rubbish at both.

PS I do not have a OH (I presume that means other half), but my ex always sent flowers if working abroad or left money with our kind neighbours to buy chocs and flowers.

No gifts for years but he had always made very original birthday cards for me which I treasured. Now after 55 years of marriage, he has stopped doing that but on a rare shopping trip recently he was overjoyed to find a remaindered bundle of the most horrible cards for £1. He sent one to his sister and pointed out that now he could also send one to me on my birthday. He looked bemused when I told him they were a cheapjack lot and I would leave him if he gave me one.
It's not as bad as it sounds. He never listens when I point out something I would like, nor would he, except on the rarest occasions go out and look for a gift BUT he never objects when I buy whatever I choose.
As suggested elsewhere in this thread, I would just like the excitement of unwrapping a surprise

Even if you don't 'need any new things' the lack of care of your feelings is disgusting. Part of loving someone is to take care not to hurt their feelings. I would have said yes you are right I do not need anything so how about taking me out for a film, meal, cream tea, theatre trip. As others said, mutual decision not to buy is fine but you can still do something nice together, not doing so is when relationships begin to die.

A few weeks before my birthday this year my other half asked what I would like for my birthday and I said,there is nothing I really want but could we go away for a few days to a hotel we like instead, so he booked it and we had a really nice time away ? and he still produced a birthday card while we were away ??

I woud expect a card at least. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. However I do arrange my own birthday 'treat' and when it's OHs birthday he chooses. Personally I would sulk too

YANBU and Happy Birthday! We infantilise our men if we do not expect them to do grown-up things, and part of that is remembering and marking significant occasions. It doesn't need to be expensive, it needs to be thoughtful! He should not take you for granted. Life can turn on a sixpence - one never knows what will happen (I've been widowed twice). Tell him in no uncertain terms how hurt you are. No need to give him hints or mark the calendar; if he's a grown-up he will make sure HE marks the calendar to remember your birthday/anniversary etc.

We are the same as justnoneed and nanaK54. We decided to give up buying gifts except for very special birthdays, the last one was our 70th 5 years ago when we bought each other rings. We do take time to choose a special card though and DH is very good at that.

Unless it was a pre-agreed arrangement I don’t think you are being unreasonable to have expected at least a card. I would have to mention it though as I wouldn’t want to leave it festering.

I guess he had no idea that it would hurt you, so I agree with those who suggest your talking to him about it. Not to punish him, and don't sulk -these are ways to make sure you are both less happy - but just to tell him it has a meaning for you when he gives you a nice card or gift, or arranges a special meal. You care about him and value his care and love and wanted to share this with him.

Men think differently to women, and put 'importance' on other things. 'I work hard and pay the bills, so that shows her I love her'. Human Given did a fantastic seminar years ago called 'Brain Sex Matters', which went into this.
I think it's sheer laziness on your hubby's part. If it were me I'd give him the same treatment on his birthday/Christmas etc. On the whole men liked to be cared about and looked after, so wait for the response. Maybe sit down with him and explain how this makes you feel. I'm a CBT therapist and a great believer in talking and letting people know how I feel....assertive...but nice!!