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AIBU

AIBU to expect a gift?

(90 Posts)
LyndaW Wed 13-Jun-18 12:21:56

Over the years my husband has become increasingly rubbish at presents. When we first met he was such a romantic and would whisk me off on weekends away (albeit sometimes camping but that was fine by me) or buy me really thoughtful gifts for our anniversary or my birthday. Sometimes they were expensive but more often than not they weren't and were just really carefully decided on. It was my birthday last week and I got a peck on the cheek and a suggestion of an evening out 'at some point'. He also said he didn't bother with a card or gift because cards are a waste and I don't need any new things, do I? (I've been decluttering recently so he's using that as an excuse). I'm quite upset and don't really know how to broach it without sounding demanding? Do you still exchange gifts? AIBU?

M0nica Wed 13-Jun-18 12:37:49

Yes, we still exchange gifts, although, neither of us being romantics, we usually ask each other what we would like

And , no, you are not being unreasonable, to expect something. I wouldn't think twice about raising the issue. He could at least have sorted out a meal for that evening.

kittylester Wed 13-Jun-18 12:41:10

What Monica said except I like surprises rather than to be asked.

Im afraid I would have sulked! blush

Allegretto Wed 13-Jun-18 12:42:52

I would not be happy. I think your husband has taken an easy (dare I say lazy?) option. It would be tempting to stop buying gifts for him, but that would not help in that he probably wouldn’t care and then he would feel justified in not buying you a gift in future. I would be making my feelings known, but I would probably do so (repeatedly) in a subtle way. I would become increasingly less subtle until he got the message. In the meantime I would be treating myself (repeatedly).

jusnoneed Wed 13-Jun-18 12:48:21

We gave up giving gifts for birthdays or christmas many years back. My OH has no imagination at all, gave some rubbish presents so in the end I said don't bother.
If we want something we buy it ourselves. Does away with all the "what do you want..?" queries too.

Jane10 Wed 13-Jun-18 12:55:45

Can you not prime AC to remind him and 'secretly' pass on suggestions?

nanaK54 Wed 13-Jun-18 12:57:59

exactly what jusnoneed said grin
My DH had been known to buy presents such as a new iron or a grassbox for the lawnmower grin

stella1949 Wed 13-Jun-18 13:00:29

It was my birthday last week too. I didn't expect a gift - we don't do that any more. We went out for a meal, that is the only thing we do these days. The idea of sulking about the absence of a gift, seems rather childish to me.

grannyactivist Wed 13-Jun-18 13:05:46

I don't think UABU, but to be honest I sort of agree with your husband, although I do think a card would not have gone amiss. Your husband's approach is pretty similar to that of mine with my (beloved) parents in law. I do buy them cards, but gifts are always 'events' nowadays and very loosely planned. For their birthday we said that we would take them to a wine tasting, but they are so busy (as are we) that it's a mammoth task getting our diaries co-ordinated and months on we still haven't been able to agree a date for it. My in-laws know they are loved and that's the important thing.
I often get belated gifts from my husband for birthdays or Christmas and I don't mind at all, but I do like to get a card.

Maybelle Wed 13-Jun-18 13:11:08

W still exchange gifts and cards and I would be quite sorry if we stopped. But we don't do surprise gifts usually.
However I now ask AC for trips out for lunch out etc instead of gifts for birthdays and mother's day.

ninathenana Wed 13-Jun-18 13:25:23

We always buy each other a card, I'd love to unwrap a present not knowing what's inside. What usually happens with us is if we are out and about in the weeks before my birthday and I say I like something H will buy it and save it for the day. A meal out would be at my suggestion.
Fine by me as he dosen't drive and it would mean him getting a train to shop.
I always try to surprise him but sometimes have to ask what to buy.

Maggiemaybe Wed 13-Jun-18 13:32:47

We’ve only recently stopped exchanging presents unless inspiration strikes, but I’d be very narked if I didn’t get a card and a meal or a trip out.

HAZBEEN Wed 13-Jun-18 13:37:04

My OH always buys me a card for birthdays, christmas, valentines and our anniversary. Gifts on the other hand are a different matter. He usually ask me what I want then gives me the money to get it! I alawys buy him a gift more often than not something he has mentioned he would like in passing at some stage or maybe something I know he needs.
He has been working away from home for a week but is back tomorrow, which is also our anniversary so I will hopefully get a card but as he hasnt been here to see the date marked on the calendar I am not sure!!

cornergran Wed 13-Jun-18 13:38:15

I had a birthday recently. Wasn’t fussed about a present and said so. It was Mr C who sulked until I gave in a few weeks post birthday. Good job we aren’t all the same smile.

Jalima1108 Wed 13-Jun-18 13:50:00

Sometimes, however, on my last birthday he said he didn't know what to buy me and when we were out shopping I found a handbag I liked and said 'You can buy me this for a belated birthday present'.
I do like to choose some things myself.

kittylester Wed 13-Jun-18 13:55:32

I'm not childish Stella but do consider that dh should be thoughtful. And, he knows by now that I like surprises.

Jalima1108 Wed 13-Jun-18 13:56:48

I always get a lovely card and quite often a present - his cards tend to be romantic whereas the ones I send him are funny.

tanith Wed 13-Jun-18 14:02:16

We don’t exchange gifts but have an outing or trip away in 3 was I’ll be 70 Oh will be 68 and it will be our 23rd wedding anniversary all in the same week so we booked a week in Suffolk. We’ll have a few meals out and if we see something like a picture etc we’ll treat ourselves.
It really doesn’t bother me to not receive a gift we’d be hard pushed to think of something honestly but you are entitled to feel upset if it bothers you.

OldMeg Wed 13-Jun-18 14:05:39

I’d have taken myself out for a meal or even off for the weekend somewhere nice.....without telling him. Let him wonder when I am and why there’s not a meal on the table.

Go on! I dare you 🤨🤔🙄👀

LyndaW Wed 13-Jun-18 14:10:16

hmm. I don't think I'm being childish. hmm But I did put this in AIBU so others are entitled to think so. grin I'll drop some subtle hints. It's not that I particularly want 'a thing', more that I would have appreciated a bit more recognition
of it being a special day. Life has given us some tough times over the past few years, surely birthdays and special occasions are worth celebrating now more than ever. Off to buy myself a belated cake. Whether he gets offered a slice or not will have to be seen grin

Teetime Wed 13-Jun-18 14:55:09

LyndaW I am so sorry that was very hurtful and you have every right to feel aggrieved and if you feel like a sulk why not it was unkind. We do give each other gifts ands have almost come to the end of birthday surprises so it tends to be practical things that each other needs e.g. golf stuff. We give surprises at Xmas but very predictable aftershave, perfume, sweaters, jewellery. DH doesn't do cards he thinks they are pointless but I do. Its DH's birthday next week and together we bought him a new speaker for his Sonos for his study and as a surprise I have bought him some expensive trainers to stop him wearing the cheapos he got from Amazon- they make him look as though he has webbed feet. I would get my order in early for a present if I were you and tell him what you want many men are clueless about presents.

kittylester I strongly object to someone calling you selfish/childish if she knew you she would know what an utterly selfless person you are with a wonderful sense of humour.

cornergran Wed 13-Jun-18 15:09:02

Things get misconstrued here, which is as ever a shame. I agree, no way is kitty selfish, in fact the opposite.

My (light hearted) post probably didn't answer your question lyndaw so, are you being unreasonable in having your feelings? Not at all.

I felt sad at the thought of you going to get your own birthday cake. That's something I don't do as Mr C goes off to find one, not easily in fairness as I'm GF, but he does it. In any case while neither of us are fussed about gifts (adult birthdays here have always been very low key), you would like one and its reasonable to expect your husband to be sensitive to your wishes, so I can understand your disappointment and upset. Enjoy your cake, you deserve it and a belated happy birthday from me.

kittylester Wed 13-Jun-18 15:12:31

Thank you Teetime and corner! blush

M0nica Wed 13-Jun-18 17:23:06

Because DH used to travel a lot, birthdays used to be wandering feasts, but always included a meal out, as they do still- and now it is on the day as we are both home.

sodapop Wed 13-Jun-18 17:28:33

I would be upset if the occasion was not marked in some way.
A card and a token present or an outing are better than the
' can't be bothered ' attitude. As always its the thought that counts.