DD and DSIL loan

It does sound like he took you very literally that you were expecting it back when he got a job and he hasn't actually got one yet. I know people who are quite black and white in their thinking like that which makes it very difficult to get them to shift their position. I am surprised your daughter isn't backing your corner though. I guess it is just a lesson learned.

They didn't think about starting a business until quite recently when it became an option for them as he wasn't offered a new job. When I gave them the loan it was on the basis he was getting a job not starting a business.

What would you have said if they had asked to keep the money for longer so SIL could start up his own business? I don't think you are being unreasonable for expecting the money to be repaid as soon as they could but it would have been better to clarify the position at the start of the loan so everybody knew where they stood. I think they are being thoughtless but without a a defined date in place, I should imagine they probably assumed that keeping the money to facilitate their business plans would not be a problem. Perhaps he could approach the bank for credit so if his business plans are likely to be lucrative, at the very least he'd have some idea if it was going to be well planned!

Perhaps out of order is a bit strong ?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

annep I don't value relationships 'at all costs'. I had to go NC with my mother when I was in my forties as I had a mental breakdown due to her narcissistic behaviour. She poisoned the extended family against me (I was a 'terrible daughter') and refused to tell me when DF died.

Needless to say as I've stated up post I have only two DDS and two DGSs now apart from one cousin and do not wish to replicate what happened between my mother and me with my own daughter. I'm trying not to let my frustration with DD/Sil's attitude affect me in the meantime.

JustWokeUp
'surely having both parents at home is an ideal opportunity to save some money and see more of DC?'

I lent the money early in March after he was made redundant at the end of January and yes there was a misunderstanding when ti would be paid back. I truly thought that by August SiL would have got a new job. Sadly he hasn't.

DGS is 2 and a half - he's already settled into nursery and is a very sociable and energetic little boy. It would be unfair on him to take him out now.

DD works part time from home 3 days a week and DGS being in nursery means she can focus on paid work which she would be unable to do if DGS is at home. Sil is focusing on getting a new job/starting a business.

It is more important to me to keep a good relationship with DD although sometimes it really does feel like I'm giving in all senses of the word!

Namsnanny You are right about the Aspergers - It does skew the way he thinks and paying off some of the mortgage is more important to him than paying off a family debt!

Thank you again everyone for your helpful comments.

Lucy,
This may not be useful, but did you say your SIL has aspergers?
Because I believe one of the symptoms is taking things people say very literally.
If, as you seem to have said... pay me back when you have a job. He wouldn't have thought it wrong to not pay you until then.
Just a thought.

Hope it all works out in your favour

Bbbface's comment doesn't seem rude or out of order, just disagrees with the majority. It does seem the way now to be scathing of people who have a different opinion. I agree they should have paid the money back out of SiL's payout, but paying off a lump sum of their mortgage seems a sensible use of the money to take the pressure off in case he doesn't get a job for a while, particularly as they will have other payments. The rental from the flat should help for a while too but I don't really understand the comment about the market being poor, so perhaps they see the flat as insurance too. After all, they are not claiming benefits. Maybe the new flat screen TV has prompted you to ask for the money back, as it is an unnecessary item, although they can be fairly inexpensive. It was kind of you to offer the money for childcare but surely having both parents at home is an ideal opportunity to save some money and see more of DC? Childcare can also be a luxury item. Perhaps that's why they thought you were not in a hurry to be repaid. Of course they would prefer to pay you when SiL does get a job, and they feel on a more secure financial footing, and perhaps that is what they assumed. Also lending money until July and asking for it back in August is a bit short notice. As it wasn't clarified don't be too hard on them. I agree with other posters never lend what you can't afford to lose, and also don't rush to offer money until you're clear what their priorities are, but also congratulations for keeping good relations with your DD, which is worth so much more.

I get GabriellaGs attitude. Why do we value relationships at all costs? I wish I had been more like that because it will always be there - unspoken. The relationship will never be the same.

You do have a point lucy.....no, they are not going to get any more....not much left anyway, just enough to see me through the next couple of years.

crazyH that's a good idea - not in that situation myself unless I downsize from 2 bed flat to 1 bed.This experience with DD and SiL has made me think twice about handing over anything prior to my demise!

Thankyou Annep....

CrazyH that was so nice of you.

I had a fairly reasonable divorce settlement/ large house and savings - I sold the house and moved into a small one. I had no need for a large capital but my income is very minimal. So I gave each of my 3 children £50000 on the understanding they would pay me £150 each, every month. I will be well gone before the amount is fully repaid . BTW I had a contract written out and signed - despite this, one of my sons has not paid me for a couple of months (noticed on my bank statement). Texted him to remind him, but if he doesn’t pay, I will reduce his inheritance , for fairness sake. I will not tell the other two - they will know when the time comes. But I want to be fair to all- although I got it in writing, I have no intention of dealing with it officially .

'You shouldn't loan more than you can afford to lose' I agree but you shouldn't accept a loan unless you are prepared to pay it back.

To come into a large sum of money and not repay the generous loan given by your mother/m.i.l. which was given for the well being of her GC is reprehensible.

You are not being unreasonable but sadly your D and s.i.l. are.

They sound inconsiderate and very feckless with money. You are most certainly not being unreasonable!

while they payout SOUNDS like a lot, if it takes a couple of years to get his earnings back on track its actually only just an average income if theyre sensible and spread it out & will probably only just keep them afloat!

A payment plan out of your DDs part time income, rather than a lump repayment would be more reasonable IMO

I think your daughter should pay back the money but perhaps her husband is preventing her and she doesn't want to admit it. Ask them together in the same room. Perhaps they could pay back with the proviso that you would consider helping again if DSIL can't get job/start business. It depends on the amount involved. I would try to avoid falling out because it may affect how often you see grandchildren.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maddy no I didn't put it in writing - will know for another time to send an email confirming the loan and when I expect payment - except there won't be a next time unless this loan is paid back as soon as poss!

Barmey I'm too soft hearted. I'd be giving her a birthday present so going out for lunch is in lieu of that. Also I've been in the situation she is in with a husband out of work and empathise with the stress it causes the wife. Would have been very grateful for an understanding parent myself then!

Did you not put it in writing? Always the best thing to do in my opinion, then everyone knows where they stand. family or not.

I would suggest you say say that can't afford the lunch out or the dinner for two as you are having to save money where you can to pay for the work you want doing, see how that goes down.

Sorry Lucy did misunderstand, as it is, it seems to come down to little more than a chat between you and DD where you understood one thing and she understood something else. O'h dear I think you can only have another go if you really must have the money to pay for the work, talk to them both together explaining your position. If you can afford to wait until SIL is in work of some kind then do but the longer it goes on the less likely you are to see the money.

My daughter owes me a mere £100 which she promised would be paid back on payday... 15 months ago. Not a penny have I seen. I was unwilling to lend it but thought it would cause bad feeling if I didn't. It still caused bad feeling because she just stopped contacting me. She has been in contact the ppast couple of months and asked if we would like to see my DGD in a show as we would be here at the time. Lovely we said. Guess what? Had a message asking me to put money in her bank account to pay for our tickets as she was going to buy them! My first instinct was to tell her what I thought but then thought my DGD was the most important person in all this and paid up. Yet when I lent another daughter (who is on benefits) a larger sum of money she set up a monthly standing order to repay it.