AIBU to feel a little bit hurt?

Oh for goodness sake sarahellen I just assume your comments were tongue in cheek !

A little thought less maybe but nothing more serious, we all live our lives differently and don't all feel the need to be together all the time.

I agree Nananolife

Cabbie21.You appear to have reached the stage of enough is enough.If you want to make serious changes to your relationship then I recommend Relate. On your own to start with then take it from there as from how you describe your relationship you and DH are having less in common by the day.

Oh these friggin initials. ....TYPE THE WORDS. It’ll take a nano second ABIU ....YABU. Its ridiculous no other forum does this ...

If you always chose not to accompany him on his visits to see his daughter, for whatever reason, I don't know why you would think he needs to care about how you fill the hours without him because he would just assume you have other things you prefer to do!

Why would Cabbie21 have to think about what to plan 10 days beforehand - whatever happened to spontaneity?
I just can't think why people have to have a spreadsheet of their life, as if having routine and spreadsheets and timetables weren't enough during our working years.
Does nobody decide on the day...wake up...look at the weather and decide city or seaside, shopping or sunlounger? Weird.

I agree with BlueBelle.
It's possibly, only because the OP has nothing planned, that she feels hurt.
She has her interests and he has his, which is as it should be. IMO it's a case of 'get over it'. You surely don't have to tell each other every little thing in advance to make sure the other doesn't feel left out, snubbed or ignored.
In managing to fill her week up with other stuff does the OP ask him if he feels left out on days when he's not visiting family?
Oh well! Each to his own. I'd be glad he saw his daughter unlike many who have fractured relationships.
To Cabbie21...enjoy 'me time'.

Maybe his daughter wanted to see him urgently over something? You and your husband have separate agendas regards family - the ‘blended family’ of second (or even third) time arounders. Sometimes there are issues that don’t get aired in case feelings get hurt. Let’s sleeping dogs lie in my opinion.

Cabbie 21 - you seem to have reached an agreement that you and your husband's daughter (stepdaughter I assume) don't come into contact - is that right? I think I must be on a different planet from others on this thread who think this is fine - of course there's nothing wrong with your husband seeing his daughter by himself, but why always? There's a big suggestion that you and your SD don't get on/that there's some jealousy on her part - if this is true then your arrangement only entrenches this - it's not a question of your DH having to choose between wife and daughter but it is important for you all to 'get on' - he is in the middle of two women and probably feeling as though he is treading on eggshells - and if there is jealousy from his daughter what is she saying to him in your absence? If she wants to pull him more into her life by introducing weekend time that is traditionally spent with you, you will find yourself being pushed out and this may be the ultimate aim. What you really need to examine here is your relationship with your SD rather than the apparent lack of courtesy shown to you by your DH because you can be certain that this behaviour on his part is a direct result of your SD's decision to want to be with him rather than for him to be with you. Remember Cabbie 21 that at the end of the day, should he become ill and you be fit, it will be you and not his daughter who cares for him so don't be pushed out when it doesn't suit you.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all cabbie, it smacks of a certain type of selfishness to be so unconcerned about a partner. Since you have said he normally goes to see his daughter during the week, I presume you normally do something together at the weekend. Weekends are different than during the week, even when you’re retired. My husband and I get on with our own ‘stuff’ during the week, but normally see family, or do things together at the weekend. That is quite usual for many couples. I would have been very hurt to be honest.

Many men are said to be ‘high functioning Aspergers’ and even when they’re not, I have come to the conclusion that many of them sometimes act as if they are somewhere on the spectrum. Hence the book ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’ .

Cabbie21 I do so envy the fact that you have time alone. It’s what I crave more than anything, but unfortunately as he’s got older my OH has got more needy and wants to go everywhere with me. I do make a stand and do things on my own (often resulting in rows on my return) but the idea of him going away on his own for a weekend sounds utter bliss.

Also yes in the days leading up to his visit YOU could have easily offered to go with him,just casually said"when you go visit id like to come too",and maybe suggested tea out somewhere for just the 2 of you on the way back or something?-so you get a bit of 'out&about' that you're sharing with him.Bear in mind its not all one way- give& take is best.

He gave you ten days notice; I thought he had just suddenly disappeared! How long do you need to plan?
Does he have to ask your permission?
Yes you are being unreasonable.

Maybe he just assumed youd not want to go with him- as he goes alone in the week- but as its a wkend maybe he could have asked if you wanted to go see her too?Do you&she not get along,or something,?sorry not being nosey just wondered why he always goes alone in the weekdays is all.Does he not think you might want to visit as well? Seems he couldve got crossed wires- or just got in the habit of going it alone everywhere? Maybe you could do less voluntary stuff for awhile and suggest stuff to do together??its a good thing your doing- but not at expence of your relationship.

Cabbie21 if you've known for 10 days that he planned to be away it's hardly been sprung on you.If you dont want to have a relationship with his daughter and he accepts that and visits without you,then a change of days is irrelevant.
As a couple my OH and I dont "ask" permission to live our lives and he often disappears for hours on end,or drops into conversation he'll be away overnight with like minded car mad friends at some event.
I think its much healthier than living in each others pockets and we've been togther for 44 years ...so it hasn't done us any harm

I’m sure he was just thoughtless and certainly didn’t mean to upset you. Men do think differently from women - in general, anyway. I think it’s really a bit of ‘retired’ thinking ... and he didn’t really think there’s much difference if you are retired whether he sees his daughter during the week or at the weekend.

We have certainly changed how we do things now that we are both semi-retired, and the weekend isn’t quite so precious.

Do have a lovely weekend .... do hope that EVERYONE has a lovely weekend! ?

Not a major issue ... I would just ask him next time to give you a bit of warning to enable you to make your own plans.

Hello BlueBelle - perhaps I didn't make write what I thought clearly enough. I meant he should perhaps have asked her what her plans were. No, I don't think he should have asked her permission to visit daughter. Sorry if I caused confusion.

I have a "free" weekend this weekend and I am really enjoying myself, OH went off to a car museum further north I didnt feel like going, so mutual agreement he went off in the motorhome and I am doing what I want when I want, eat any time which suits me, generally enjoying myself. Make the most of your weekend Cabbie 21, he will soon be home again.

Sometimes I have to accept that my husband's thought process is not the same as mine. I have a husband who swans off sometimes and when I say that I would have liked to go with him, he replies, "I didn't think you were bothered about XYZ"
I think that your husband may have thought nothing of it - weekdays are the same as weekends, especially if you are retired.
Enjoy yourself and perhaps in a friendly way explain to your husband that you wouldn't have minded going with him. and ask him how the visit went.

You can’t help your feelings Cabbie but just don’t dwell on them and then just be determined to enjoy your weekend!

Thanks for all the replies.
To answer some of your points.
WeeMadArthur, yes, when he goes midweek he checks, just asking “Usual this week?”. So I had expected him to ask, particularly as it is not routine.
However, as some of you have pointed out, I am glad I do not get an interrogation or feel he is checking up in me all the time. He does not normally ring or text whilst he is away either. Tells me very little when he gets back. He is not very communicative! I have learned that it is best not to ask, but to me it shows a lack of interest.
With all this heat I am not getting much done and don’t want to be out in it either. I feel in a way I am wasting an opportunity. I reckon I must plan more initiatives for myself.

I think women are generally more interested ( nosey!) in what others do. Therefore we would probably ask our DHs what they would be doing whike we are away but maybe less often the other way round.

I get what you mean OP. You wanted a little interest shown, felt that he didn't care.

I would have thought it common courtesy to discuss plans for week/weekend and enquire as to whether other spouse was happy with arrangements.
Perhaps I am spoilt but DH has always told me what he is doing and asks what I will do and will I manage if he is going to be absent for some hours.

This is a choice Cabbie - you can choose to feel hurt or you can choose to enjoy your time apart as usual.

You'll get a much better response from him if you choose the second one and don't even mention it when he gets back - after all we're the only ones responsible for how we feel. No one else is.