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AIBU to feel a little bit hurt?

(93 Posts)
Cabbie21 Fri 29-Jun-18 13:13:48

AIBU to feel a little bit hurt that DH , who has gone to see his adult daughter for the weekend, did not even ask me what my plans were?
He usually goes during the week when I am busy with my voluntary work and other commitments, so, apart from being able to watch what I want on TV if I have time, I scarcely notice his absence. The time flies by.
Now it is the weekend and I have nothing particular on. If I had had a bit more notice, I might have arranged something, a weekend away. As it is, I am quite happy to stay at home, visiting grandchildren, relaxing, maybe going to a stately home on Sunday. I like being home alone, especially not forced to being out in the heat this weekend.

It is just the relationship aspect that hurts.

BlueBelle Fri 29-Jun-18 13:33:14

He got what he wants you ve got what you want I don’t see a problem, sorry if that’s not the right reply

Maggiemaybe Fri 29-Jun-18 13:39:05

Well I suppose you can't help your feelings, Cabbie, so I won't say YABU. But you've said yourself you like time on your own, so why sweat the small stuff? Your weekend sounds lovely just as it is, and I certainly wouldn't feel hurt. I'd be waving him off with a big smile on my face. smile

annodomini Fri 29-Jun-18 13:44:49

From what you say, this must be uncharacteristic behaviour, so I can see that you'd be a bit taken aback, but perhaps he knows that you usually have other things to do when he sees his daughter and just forgot to ask you.

lemongrove Fri 29-Jun-18 13:45:00

It is a bit odd that he never asked you though.Is this normal for him? Was he annoyed that you didn’t go with him?
Some time apart now and then is good for all relationships, but yes, husband and wife do ask each other about what they will be doing.

janeainsworth Fri 29-Jun-18 13:45:33

Yes, you are a bit cabbie
MrA swans off at the weekends to go sailing, or during the week to do stuff & it wouldn’t occur to him to wonder or worry about how I was going to occupy my time. He rightly assumes that I’m quite capable of filling my days with various pursuits that I enjoy and perhaps MrCabbie feels the same about you.

Eglantine21 Fri 29-Jun-18 13:52:36

Do you ask him what he is doing when you go off to your voluntary work, meeting with friends, seeing the grandchildren and the other commitments, whatever they are? Or do you assume he is busy too?

Be honest 😀

As for me I’d like to be told of a change to the usual because I would probably have planned to go away somewhere nice where he wouldn’t want to come.

Just polite I think.

Cabbie21 Fri 29-Jun-18 13:55:57

Yes, I am sure he knows I am fine, but when this weekend trip came up about ten days ago, I did remark that I had nothing happening and would have to think about what to plan. So I did expect out of interest, or simply to check I was ok, that he would ask before he went. No, it does not surprise me, on reflection.
No, lemon grove, he did not expect me to go with him. He always visits his daughter alone and that suits all three of us. No problem about that.
I just feel he was a bit lacking in consideration, that’s all. There was a longer trip I was vaguely interested in ( too late now) and if I had known about his trip I might have gone. I just never expected him to be away this weekend.
But it is ok.

PamelaJ1 Fri 29-Jun-18 14:07:54

They really don’t think the way we do!
He won’t have meant to be hurtful, he obviously sees you as a lively independent woman who can organise her life herself.
Just one question. Why aren’t you going with him?

PamelaJ1 Fri 29-Jun-18 14:10:49

Sorry, I’ve just asked the same question as others. I started the reply outside in the sun, my iPad overheated and I had to let it cool down before I could post🌞

Cabbie21 Fri 29-Jun-18 14:33:48

Long story, PamelaJ1 not relevant to this topic and rather complicated. It just works best that way for all three of us.

In any case, as he normally goes in the week I would not want to miss out on my choirs, voluntary work etc

However, I must put my iPad down now and attend to my list of what I hope to accomplish this weekend!!

Melanieeastanglia Fri 29-Jun-18 14:37:14

If he treats you well generally, I would not worry. I think, if you look at the big picture, it isn't so terrible. Yes, it would have been good manners to have asked you but we all slip from time to time.

BlueBelle Fri 29-Jun-18 15:16:45

Why on earth do you think he has to ask her if he can visit his daughter Melanie ? It would have been nice to tell you he’d changed days but does it really matter in the scheme of things you like your weekends free ( you said) and you ve got it He hasn’t beaten you or stolen your money or had an affair just enjoy your time alone you ll have plenty to talk about when he returns

Luckygirl Fri 29-Jun-18 15:55:46

I should just relax and enjoy your few days. Can't see any need to be upset. Chill out! grin

busybee6969 Sat 30-Jun-18 09:10:45

can you get him to invite my hubby next time lol i could do with some peace at home .mine is ill sits in a chair with tv on mostly and keeps asking what am i doing whats for dinner/ tea enjoy have some ME TIME

dragonfly46 Sat 30-Jun-18 09:13:09

If I go away on my own for any reason it doesn't occur to me to ask what my DH is going to do, probably because I know he will just mooch around the house though.

Jaycee5 Sat 30-Jun-18 09:24:49

It is better than having someone who wants to know what you are doing every minute. I don't think you are being unreasonable but unless you were likely to be doing something special or unusual, there doesn't seem anything strange to me in his not asking. Maybe he will ask when he gets back what you were doing. I can't really see why it would upset you unless he never cared about what you were doing or how you felt about things which doesn't seem to be the case.

WeeMadArthur Sat 30-Jun-18 09:31:45

Does he normally ask you what you have on when he visits during the week? If he does, then it would be unusual for him not to ask this time, but if he doesn’t then maybe it’s because it never occurs to him to ask, whether you have anything on or not.

rizlett Sat 30-Jun-18 09:34:40

This is a choice Cabbie - you can choose to feel hurt or you can choose to enjoy your time apart as usual.

You'll get a much better response from him if you choose the second one and don't even mention it when he gets back - after all we're the only ones responsible for how we feel. No one else is.

harrigran Sat 30-Jun-18 09:37:27

I would have thought it common courtesy to discuss plans for week/weekend and enquire as to whether other spouse was happy with arrangements.
Perhaps I am spoilt but DH has always told me what he is doing and asks what I will do and will I manage if he is going to be absent for some hours.

Coolgran65 Sat 30-Jun-18 09:37:43

I get what you mean OP. You wanted a little interest shown, felt that he didn't care.

mumofmadboys Sat 30-Jun-18 09:44:40

I think women are generally more interested ( nosey!) in what others do. Therefore we would probably ask our DHs what they would be doing whike we are away but maybe less often the other way round.

Cabbie21 Sat 30-Jun-18 09:58:43

Thanks for all the replies.
To answer some of your points.
WeeMadArthur, yes, when he goes midweek he checks, just asking “Usual this week?”. So I had expected him to ask, particularly as it is not routine.
However, as some of you have pointed out, I am glad I do not get an interrogation or feel he is checking up in me all the time. He does not normally ring or text whilst he is away either. Tells me very little when he gets back. He is not very communicative! I have learned that it is best not to ask, but to me it shows a lack of interest.
With all this heat I am not getting much done and don’t want to be out in it either. I feel in a way I am wasting an opportunity. I reckon I must plan more initiatives for myself.

Overthehills Sat 30-Jun-18 10:00:02

You can’t help your feelings Cabbie but just don’t dwell on them and then just be determined to enjoy your weekend!

dollyjo Sat 30-Jun-18 10:17:21

Sometimes I have to accept that my husband's thought process is not the same as mine. I have a husband who swans off sometimes and when I say that I would have liked to go with him, he replies, "I didn't think you were bothered about XYZ"
I think that your husband may have thought nothing of it - weekdays are the same as weekends, especially if you are retired.
Enjoy yourself and perhaps in a friendly way explain to your husband that you wouldn't have minded going with him. and ask him how the visit went.