To feel just a little bit miffed.....

Maw I'd be inclined to say "oh sorry I've done my shopping on-line so I don't need to go to Waitrose" or "I popped in earlier in the when I had been (wherever)". It is difficult but I'm also a widow & I often decide on the spur of the moment to go shopping or call into my local Tesco/ASDA/Sainsbury when I've been meeting friends as it's convenient.

I would gradually be less available unless it suits you to give her a lift. IMHO your friend has "brass neck" to expect you to take her & her DH especially if one of them is entitled to a Blue Badge (we still pay for parking here but being able to park closer is a bonus).

Most people who are reasonably well off are tight with money, that's why they have plenty whilst those of us less well off are generous with our time. Good luck & be kind to yourself

Nothing to add to the wise comments above. However, I wouldn’t be able to resist asking the other friend how she feels about all the ferrying around. You might get some interesting feedback.
Time for a firm change now!

My home help drives me to hospital, etc. I pay her for the mileage. The AA say 44p a mile. Also her time.

And to buy the coffee, offer a little recompense, or a gift occasionally of a bottle of wine or a few flowers wouldn’t go amiss either.

4allweknow yes she can and her son was visiting recently to help her with an internet order, but no change.
TBH a trip to Waitrose is a trip out for her and her OH who has Alzheimer’s so I should not moan. Shame about the coffee and the Danish though, she would not spend money on that and only ever has a basic cup of tea if we go to the Garden Centre.
I suppose I also feel her (2) AC are too happy to know she has good friends locally whereas I feel they should be in evidence at least once a month each to help out, support and visit !
But anyway, lots of helpful input.
Maybe I should draw a line under this thread now?

Have just read your post Maw, and haven’t yet read all the thread (I will) but I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. You obviously do a great deal to help this couple, and you obviously do it without any resentment, but to then have to listen to the praises of someone else being sung, is indeed a little galling. I see you’re not asking for anything in return for your help and kindness, so it would be nice (and indeed polite) to hear a heartfelt thank you, and some acknowledgment of everything you do. I think that’s completely reasonable.

I don't drive and use the bus mostly unless we are going for family shopping when my daughter drives. We have a friend whose DD goes to the same school as my GD's do and she has brought GD's home after school several times when they have been at after school club with her DD. I have suggested to my daughter that we should, at least, offer petrol money as, although it is only 5 minutes out of her way, it is still using petrol she wouldn't normally use. My daughter says no, the lift was offered.

Can the friend not use online shopping. I know she may well enjoy the outings but if there was no one to ferry her about and didn't want to spend money on taxis this would be her option. Does your L. A. or Age Concern perhaps run little pick up drop off services to supermarkets. Worth checking out local organisations for her. You have to make yourself less available as you are not being valued never mind recompense.

Mawbroon, Its not just the cost of the petrol it's all the car costs over the year! I think your friend is out of order. Put your foot down gently. Or firmly if necessary. Perhaps have a box for your favourite charity in the car and rattle it under her nose.
People are funny though. I have often given a neighbour on the allotment various things but she has never once offered me anything. So I have stopped being so generous.

My husband is retired and sadly has lost his parents and best pal. He takes his late pal’s Mum to visit her husband in a care home a couple of times a week at a time which suits them both, she is always trying to pay him. We have reached a compromise - she sends home baking for our sons! I think your friend has a hard neck! Next time have the coffee and make her wait! It’s lovely to help but it’s terrible to be taken for granted.

I dont drive, (i was having my daughter when i should have been taking my test), and either walk or take a bus/train.
I visit my daughter and GC once or twice a week and we will go shopping once a fortnight, for me. On those occassions i will often pay for her bits and pieces, buy her lunch or once a month, pay towards the petrol.
When friends give me lifts and refuse donations they get a gift at christmas.
Im not bragging, but i really do appreciate being driven by ccar to places that are too far, or too expensive to go by public transport.

I think maybe have become so used to you driving them everywhere that they never think about cost or your inconvenience. A gentle reminder might help, if not then be 'unavailable' at times.

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

We don't have a car, but would never dream of asking a neighbour to drive us anywhere without insisting that we be allowed to pay the petrol. With one good friend it was quite a battle to get her to accept that, but I simply said that we do not feel comfortable asking for help and not doing anything in return. It costs good money to have a car, after all.

Perhaps you should have a talk with this lady and make it quite clear that you are happy to help, but there is method in all things. Obviously, if your neighbour has an appointment somewhere, she needs a lift at her convenience, but if you are going shopping, she should have the manners to do so when it suits you too, and not make it impossible for you to plan your day, or get the most out of it, because it suits her to shop at one particular time.

IMO she should be paying all the petrol if she is the one who has to be somewhere at a particular time, and half of it if you are both going shopping.

If you prefer to shop midweek, then tell her that's when you can give her a lift to the supermarket - and offer to show her how to do an online shop if that's not convenient for her.

No, you're not being unreasonable. I found myself in a similar position with my mother who lives 30 miles away.

For many years I was the one driving up there, taking her to various medical appointments, ferrying her to events and so on.

The crunch came when I picked her up to attend a wedding. She was to stay at my house the night before so she could prepare the following morning. Even though a mini bus had been arranged, she wouldn't travel in it.

During the wedding, which I also drove to with her as an additional passenger, she did not even offer to buy a drink.

That evening she stayed at mine again, and was driven home the following day. It was a three day event for me acting as taxi, not a word of thanks and no offer to pay something towards the fuel.

No more. Enough is enough. I just don't offer any more, and you know what? I don't feel guilty!

My MIL used to say ‘please others and you displease yourself’. I’ve done similar in the past Maw as a kindness and then I realised it was impacting on my own choices in life as I felt constrained. It wasn’t nice and I felt hemmed in.

Maw nothing to add to all the good advice here, but....... I can imagine that when she's with the other friend she waxes lyrical about all YOU do for her!

I totally agree with all of the above.
However this does bring up another issue, why do people plan their later years around living somewhere which has poor (and ever diminishing?) public transport links as we'll all have to give up the car sometime, one little corner shop, which may close down, and nowhere near amenities e.g. dr.
Downsizing seems attractive after family has started leading independent lives, so surely downsizing to a sensible location is the mature approach.

I am happy to give anyone a lift as long as it is appreciated. Not long ago, one of my neighbours had their car stolen so I offered to take them to the supermarket or pick up some shopping for them, only to be told I went shopping on the wrong day !!

Next time she asks you say 'I'm happy to take you but I will be stopping for tea and cake'. If she starts arguing take that as her not wanting the lift and don't get drawn into discussion.
I know it is easier said than done but assertiveness is the only answer and you have to find a way to do it.
Don't be available every time. I wouldn't make up detailed excuses, just say that you don't feel like it or want to have a rest or suchlike.

No such thing as true altruism then!

I suggest you start by insisting you are having your tea and cake.

Then start saying sometimes you can't do the Friday shop with them. Maybe say you are feeling tired or similar. Also with doctors appointments.

If you are going to a place together fair enough and let her pay for the parking, but reading your post it seemed like your life was being ruled by their needs, and that would really upset me. As she is a non driver she obviously doesn't know the cost of driving and has never had to fill up the car. She also doesn't know how stressful driving can be as she has always sat and enjoyed the view.

As for her praise of your friend maybe you need a chat with the friend to see how she is feeling which might be the same as you.

Do you really need to ask this? She is taking advantage of you, so is her husband, back off now or you will get lumbered with all sorts of things when they get older. Who on earth does she think she is? You are nobody’s taxi service, you don’t need such a self centred person as a friend.

It's rather like the sibling who does all the caring and hard work looking after a parent, only to hear the other sibling, who calls in once in a blue moon with flowers and hugs, praised to high heaven by mother.

It is easy to tell someone to be firm, but harder to do, none of us like unpleasantness! But, yes Maw you are being taken advantage of, and after your long time nursing Paw and having to be back on time/arrange for care, it must be nice for you to be able to please yourself just a little bit, have a browse, have a coffee, go shopping when you like. Maybe next time they expect to be taken shopping on a Friday, just tell her that as you have got plenty of food in ( having done an online shop), you don't need to go shopping this week?

Sadly there are these certain people who... maybe unwittingly...........or perhaps by plan..........use others for many of their various trips and from what you say Maw you are certainly being "used"
Of course the cost and money has to come into the equation.....I wonder has this lady ever done a favour for you or anyone else?
One that costs her money?
I doubt it for then she would have her eyes opened to the fact each trip costs, and costs should be shared.
You are a kind and generous friend whilst she is taking advantage.
Whilst having the nerve to praise the third member of your group, but nothing said about your generosity with time and costs.
The earlier posters are spot on and you really do need to be increasingly unavailable.......further more this time is yours and you at least need to spend it in your own way...........not always beholden to a so called friend whom cannot even offer to pay her way.
She needs to learn the hard way.......so I hope you do take heed to what we all say.