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AIBU

To feel just a little bit miffed.....

(141 Posts)
MawBroon Sat 07-Jul-18 14:33:17

Another friend and I drive a third friend around since her OH had to give up driving and she has never learned.
To be fair, the other friend probably does even more than me, but I take her to a Literature class we go to 10miles away every week, often drive her to the Dr (three times in the last two week) often take her and her OH to the supermarket on a Friday, even if I do not need to go, as I prefer to go midweek or to do an internet shop. I regularly drive the 3 of us to our local garden centre for a coffee or to Book Club in a neighbouring village.
What am I moaning about?
Well yesterday the non driving friend was waxing lyrical about how kind the other one is, how she is always available to help, how she puts herself out for anybody, blah, blah, blah.
I smiled and tried to rise above the childish “resentment” I felt! After all, who was driving her at the time? Who had driven her to three things this week already (twice on Friday) and who was feeling peeved?
Perhaps because I am on my own she feels I need to fill my time, but they are well off with two good pensions, no longer have the expense of running a car but if nobody is available to drive she struggles with a shopping trolley and a very inadequate bus service so why not occasionally book a mini cab? I have just filled up with petrol for the second time in under three weeks at £60 and am becoming increasingly conscious of the expense.
I am ashamed of my selfishness but have always tried to maintain my independence getting taxis if unable to drive anywhere. Perhaps I just felt miffed at the laurels being heaped on our third friend envy
Rant over.

annsixty Sat 07-Jul-18 14:43:54

I hate asking people to drive me anywhere since we haven't had a car.
When people, one friend in particular, offer or take me out I always express my thanks and always buy the coffee.
Like me she likes red wine and I give her and her H a bottle every now and then.
Since I have been unable to leave H I internet shop for most things but have also set up an account with our local taxi firm which is very useful.
Your neighbour should be very grateful to you and perhaps she will be more appreciative if you aren't so available.

Grannyknot Sat 07-Jul-18 14:44:30

When she was waxing lyrical about how wonderful the other person was, I'd have said "And me!" with a smile.

And tell her about Uber. smile

Grammaretto Sat 07-Jul-18 14:45:33

Oooh! Outrageous!! I think you are an amazingly kind and generous friend who anyone would love to have.
The non driver probably sings your praises to the other one too but still you have every right to feel aggrieved.
I have a non driving friend who doesn't mind getting lifts but slams the car door and spends the time self righteously telling me why she disapproves of cars , on account of saving the planet as they are polluting horrid things and how she's always managed without and pays for taxis usually but since I am going anyway it would be better for me to share.

annsixty Sat 07-Jul-18 14:49:01

I also have a reason to be miffed this afternoon though I don't want to derail the thread.
I will post on another thread but it does call into question my nextdoor neighbour's actions.

sodapop Sat 07-Jul-18 14:49:03

I know Maw sometimes I just feel totally put upon and peed off helping people. Doesn't usually last long but we are all human and allowed to feel like that sometimes.
Does your friend pay her share of transport costs? We have helped some people recently with hospital visits some distance away and were never offered a penny piece despite the fact they are considerably better off than we are. Most of the time I am happy to help just occasionally I feel I am being taken for a mug.

Eglantine21 Sat 07-Jul-18 15:08:49

I know just how you feel. Because I am still a pretty confident driver I find I have become the designated driver for most friends get togethers, as one by one they have grown vent up or only do to the shops and back or don’t like driving in the dark.

Actually I don’t mind the driving but a little appreciation and a bit of dosh to help out wouldn’t go amiss!

And yes she probably does think she is doing you a favour, keeping you company now you are “on your own”. Been there too. Very miffing!

Eglantine21 Sat 07-Jul-18 15:09:48

Grown vent = given up.

Why would it do that? Why?

SueDonim Sat 07-Jul-18 15:27:05

No, I don't think YABU! It's not nice to feel taken for granted. It doesn't cost anything to be kind.

If I were you, I might find myself becoming more and more unavailable. Or I might say that since ungrateful friend obviously feels more comfortable with the other driver, perhaps it's better if I bow out. wink

Welshwife Sat 07-Jul-18 15:34:15

DH has a fairly big van which is very useful from time to time but very thirsty on the juice. We have friends who usually only ring up when they need help. They must have twice the pension we have but are always moaning how they have no money. Before DH helped them moved some bits last time they were moving house a mutual friend pointed out that the van only does about 25miles to the gallon which meant about 2 gallons for a round trip. He did pay him but only the minimum! Makes me so cross!

cornergran Sat 07-Jul-18 15:45:56

No, maw of course you aren’t being unreasonable or indeed selfish A little appreciation goes a long way. If your friend finds it hard to summon some for you then I agree with ann, perhaps be a little less available. Something has just occurred to me while writing this, I wonder if your friend actually does the same to her other chauffeur and praises you to her. Nowt so queer as folk as my parents often said.

MawBroon Sat 07-Jul-18 15:48:39

To be fair she will pay the parking ( £3.80 ) when we go to Bedford every week which I think is fair as it is a round trip of 30 miles and fuel costs no longer average out at 10p per mile but more like 15p(£60 approx for a full tank which does 400 miles if I am lucky , and less at the moment if I put the aircon on which I do for her as she feels the heat)
I have also suggested she apply for a blue badge so that we can use a disabled bay when her increasingly frail OH is with us instead of my dropping them, then going and looking for a parking bay, and then the reverse when we are done.
But it also restricts my movements in that I cannot go on anywhere afterwards (or go somewhere before) now that I don’t have to rush back for Pawand as she does not like leaving her trolley at the Waitrose coffee shop I no longer get my cup of coffee and Danish pastry after we go round the shop 😱😱
I know it is selfish, but it is beginning to niggle so I need to back off a bit before the resentment builds up.
There but for the grace of God etc.

Oopsadaisy53 Sat 07-Jul-18 15:57:48

maw I think I agree with the others, be less available and only go out with her if you want to go, if it isn’t something that you want to do , or it spoils your trip then don’t do it, better to back off now and remain friends than to let it build up and then have an argument about it.

Have your coffee and Danish and enjoy it.

I can also foresee that as they get older and more disabled you will be asked to more for them when you go out and you won’t get any time for yourself.

My neighbour across the road was in a similar position to you, until they started asking her to take them to hospital appointments, that was when she refused as it was an all day trip, they now have a hospital taxi and they pay him gladly, but they never offered her anything, and , apparently the driver is amazing!!

ginny Sat 07-Jul-18 16:05:32

Maw, nice as it is to help out, you will have to be a little less available. She is in fact being rather selfish and thoughtless. Maybe the time has come to have a chat with her about the cost of running a car and that maybe she could chip in with expenses now and then. She’ll either pay up or you’ ll have you car to yourself now and then.

Auntieflo Sat 07-Jul-18 16:56:46

Maw, you are really being too generous, with your time and your transport. While you continue to drive her around, she will not stop asking, and expecting. What about putting yourself first? Have you got as good a friend, that will do as much for you? Probably, as you sound a good person. smile

grannyqueenie Sat 07-Jul-18 17:03:08

maw I will do anything for anyone, and like you, I don’t offer to help folk so I can be effusively thanked. BUT I really don’t enjoy the feeling of “being taken for granted” that you describe. Finance does come into it. especially when you are conscious of a diminished income, but it’s the thoughtlessness of it all that really cuts deep isn’t it.

Billybob4491 Sat 07-Jul-18 17:09:39

MawBroon, I realised after a while that I was used as a taxi service by my Church "friends". So decided enough was enough and put a stop to it. They use to queue up for free lifts but were noticeably absent when I had to buy petrol. Lesson learned.

SueDonim Sat 07-Jul-18 17:27:10

Goodness, Maw, they're really taking the p* out of you, aren't they?

Step away, before you become their personal doormat.

Jalima1108 Sat 07-Jul-18 17:32:56

You are too good a friend who is in danger of becoming a taken-for-granted taxi service.

Melanieeastanglia Sat 07-Jul-18 18:29:54

I think your friend should definitely contribute financially. They way I'd deal with the matter though is to be not quite so available.

If she's an otherwise nice person, she may not have intended to hurt you. We all say ill-advised things at some point in our lives.

jenpax Sat 07-Jul-18 19:23:21

I think I would put my foot down and say firmly that as the price of petrol is rising and your income isn’t you are thinking of giving up the car say that as YOU do internet shops you don’t really need to pop to Waitrose very often and would be happy to go halves on a taxi with her if she ever needed to go😳

Willow500 Sat 07-Jul-18 19:25:40

Being totally non confrontational I'd just be less and less available unless I actually wanted to do the trip. I agree you're not being unreasonable to feel miffed by the selfish behaviour of your friends.

MawBroon Sat 07-Jul-18 19:47:24

TBH the financial side is probably the least of it although I do feel she could get a taxi when she is stuck. Some weeks ago I was unable to do the Bedford trip as I was away and (not surprisingly) she jibbed at getting a taxi (£20each way) so the class tutor offered to drive over to pick her up and then drive her back again-a round trip of over 50 miles. So she does realise what a good deal she is getting by paying the parking in exchange for me driving. But it is the shorter trips when she struggles to use the bus when honestly £5 would get her to the nearby small town but she is a bit tight with money.
I suppose I am just thinking the timing of the effusive praise of our mutual friend was not best chosen!
I need to either be busier so that the supermarket trip does not become a weekly outing or be firm and say that if we go, I will meet her in the cafe where I will having a latte when I have finished!
(Now that I am on my own I like to be more of a free agent )

kittylester Sat 07-Jul-18 19:53:12

I suspect she might be doing you a favour as you are ' one your own' Now. As others have said, you may have to be busy!

I think I've told before about the 'other' nina of DD1'S children. She often asks for a lift to things we are all going to. She never pays for car parking and buys her own coffee - presumably because we were going wherever anywhere.

Coolgran65 Sat 07-Jul-18 20:00:39

You say that it's not necessarily the money. That's ok, but it's still not fair that it's you who is out of pocket. All it would take is a gesture from her.

What about when asked next, if you were unable to help as you couldn't fill the petrol tank until pension day...... Or something similar such as....need to make £30 petrol last all week.