To feel just a little bit miffed.....

Especially when free with the vouchers! ??????? aye!

for you Maw. janeainsworth hits the nail on the head, as do so many others. No wonder you were feeling a bit fed up and put upon - but the good news is of course John Lewis, a browse and a coffee, even a cake. It's such a treat. xx

Lots of wise words and good advice, thank you all.
One big difference in my life is that apart from not leaving Hattie for too long, I am now much more able to please myself, so if I want to shop, followed by a coffee, followed by a quick browse in John Lewis, I can , that is, if I am not taking or fetching somebody else, especially someone who wants to go there and back in as short a time as possible. For me it can constitute an enjoyable outing! (Perhaps I do need to get out more)
It has taken a little getting used to, but those of you who live alone may understand where I am coming from.
TBH I think I was just a bit fed up and feeling “put upon” (especially as she was also waxing lyrical about how her neighbour had suggested she ask to see a dermatologist for a nasty rash she has had for four weeks. I can distinctly remember emailing her the same advice three weeks ago after I had taken her to the doctor! )
Ah well.
I can live!

You know what they say about no good turn going unpunished MAW.... She probably does appreciate you just as much but was just being thoughtless maybe? Depends on what kind of relationship you have with her. I guess I might have said something like "oi - what about me"??

My mum (who I drive around a lot to various appointments and shops) has recently been offered lifts from one of her neighbours which (thankfully for me) she is taking. Like you, all I get now is how wonderful this lady is etc etc but when I asked mum if she had given her any money for petrol she looked aghast as if it had never entered her head that cars have to be paid for, not only in petrol but tax and insurance! All she saw was a saving in taxi fares!! After that my mum actually offered ME some petrol money too so....maybe just being straight may help?

But I also sense you are just a little bit fed up of being tied down so much to someone else's ritual? You start to feel like their employee ha ha. Ideally, you don't want to commit yourself so much do you? so, again, depending on your relationship, I would stop being so readily available and when you have to say 'no' don't feel guilty, just hand her a taxi number When you ARE available you could give her a call and say hey am going to so and so on Tuesday do you want to come?

No Maw you're not being unreasonable or selfish - become less available, as others have advised. Next time they want a supermarket visit suggest they try an internet shop (maybe they're too mean to pay the delivery charge ) and when they want you to drive them to a hospital appointment just say you can't face the long drive and the hassle finding a parking space.
A thought - have you mentioned to the mutual friend, the other chauffeur? They might be experiencing the same - being taken for granted.
It would be awful if such self-centred people put you off helping others in the future. I regularly give lifts to friends & acquaintances and never fail to receive genuine thanks.
Good luck.

Do not be "ashamed of my selfishness" - you are only human! It is annoying when you are working your tripe out to help her - you were entirely reasonable to be peeved.

Oops!

Of course you are not being selfish Maw and I would have felt just as you did, in that situation (where 2nd friend was being praised for doing exactly what you were doing, and your kindness was not acknowledged).

Can you imagine you yourself being the one to be constantly asking for and expecting lifts everywhere from your friends?

No, me neither. I would feel embarrassed, uncomfortable, and not want to be in the position of being unable to repay your kindness.

So go to the supermarket when you want to go, not when she wants to go.
Have your coffee and Danish when you've finished your shopping and if she doesn't want to leave her shopping trolley, tough conkers. She can wait with her trolley while you have your coffee. Say you are desperate for your caffeine fix or whatever.
Take her to book group if you're going anyway, but reduce the garden centre visits. You don't need any more plants, do you? Has she ever bought you a plant as a thank you gift?
It's fine to help people out - after all, we all need friends, and kindness is part of the fabric of society.
But we don't need to be taken for granted.
{flowers]

You have nothing to be ashamed of at all. Your friends on the other hand are taking the mick. They no longer drive so know just how expensive it can be to keep a car on the road and yet are more than happy not to show their appreciation of your kindness. I think they should get the price of a minicab to do the supermarket run and offer the same amount to you. Also they should shop when it's convenient to you or call a cab, especially if two of them are going. Why do people never consider you might have other plans. I'd tell them this week that I can't go shopping next Friday but you're welcome to come with me on Wednesday. Take steps to start pulling them in line, life shouldn't revolve around anyone else's wants and needs. You come first and they need to realise this. You're doing them a favour and they need to appreciate it.

Maw

I would be a tad disgruntled by your friends insensitive comments and I know I would have bit my tongue but moped about it for days

I know you say it's not really about the financial side of it but you say they are well off , you often find this is the case and that's often because they are happy to spend other peoples money . It is the principle of playing fairly that either does or does not resonate with people and they appear to be lacking a tad in that quarter. I dare say you would probably be like me and go the other way and pay for the petrol , car park and no doubt buy the coffees and pastries to say thanks for helping me out.

It could be asked ' So why do you do it at '? Answer is because you are a kind person. Another question to ask yourself is ' Am I enjoying doing this on a regular basis'?.

You have gone through so much recently you deserve to think if you want to keep doing the same old , same old. Of course if you are worried about losing close friendships then you have little choice and friendship is a big thing in our lives and the only thing to do is have a good old grumble and carry on.

Time for Maw to do what Maw wants me thinks.

It's easy to say you're being too kind Maw, much more difficult to come up with ways to change this established dynamic. I've read the suggestions on this thread but I wonder if any of them fit with your personality and the long established way in which you are the helper and your friends the takers.
Some folks have a life long sense of entitlement. Add to that, some folks only see the issues in their own lives and never in the lives of others.
As PECS says, your friend is being insensitive and I'd add thoughtless and selfish. Money isn't everything and its (remotely) possible your friend has no idea just how much it costs to fill up our cars.
Is it possible you could let them know your supermarket day is Wednesday (for example ) and if they want to join you, they'd be very welcome. Then, as others have suggested - tell them sorry, I'm out and about that day when the question of other lifts arises.
Best of luck Maw and no you aren't BU.

Oh dear, think you have to take a big step here and let them get on with things they need to do on their own. You are not a taxi service but a kind hearted person who likes to help friends. However you must start thinking of yourself too. Just try and take a slow backward step and let them realise you have your own life to do things when you want to at your pace and not theirs. You have to before its too late. Good luck you'll make it.

You need to be assertive. Its nice to help others but not to this extent

I used to take an elderly neighbour shopping once a week. I was going anyway so no imposition. I always took longer as I was shopping for a family and she just for herself. Every so often a packet of biscuits ' for your girls' would be handed to me. It only takes a tiny gesture! MAW your pal is being insensitive. An offer to pay towards petrol costs, even if you say no thanks, would be reasonable!

Mawbroon I think it's an awful cheek, and I would feel very annoyed. This isn't just the occasional lift - which I imagine most people wouldn't mind - it sounds more like a taxi service.

I think you have been very obliging. Petrol is expensive and a contribution should be made - but in any case I think it is rude to take your kindness for granted by continually expecting lifts.

I can't drive but, unless someone is going the same way as me and offers me a lift, I would not expect or ask for one .

Mawbroon. They are certainly taking advantage. I particularly find it unbelievable that you don’t get your coffee and Danish because she “does not like leaving her trolley in Waitrose”! If you have gone to the trouble of taking them out in your car, the least they could do is let you have your little treat AND offer to pay for yours.

You say that it's not necessarily the money. That's ok, but it's still not fair that it's you who is out of pocket. All it would take is a gesture from her.

What about when asked next, if you were unable to help as you couldn't fill the petrol tank until pension day...... Or something similar such as....need to make £30 petrol last all week.

I suspect she might be doing you a favour as you are ' one your own' Now. As others have said, you may have to be busy!

I think I've told before about the 'other' nina of DD1'S children. She often asks for a lift to things we are all going to. She never pays for car parking and buys her own coffee - presumably because we were going wherever anywhere.

TBH the financial side is probably the least of it although I do feel she could get a taxi when she is stuck. Some weeks ago I was unable to do the Bedford trip as I was away and (not surprisingly) she jibbed at getting a taxi (£20each way) so the class tutor offered to drive over to pick her up and then drive her back again-a round trip of over 50 miles. So she does realise what a good deal she is getting by paying the parking in exchange for me driving. But it is the shorter trips when she struggles to use the bus when honestly £5 would get her to the nearby small town but she is a bit tight with money.
I suppose I am just thinking the timing of the effusive praise of our mutual friend was not best chosen!
I need to either be busier so that the supermarket trip does not become a weekly outing or be firm and say that if we go, I will meet her in the cafe where I will having a latte when I have finished!
(Now that I am on my own I like to be more of a free agent )

Being totally non confrontational I'd just be less and less available unless I actually wanted to do the trip. I agree you're not being unreasonable to feel miffed by the selfish behaviour of your friends.

I think I would put my foot down and say firmly that as the price of petrol is rising and your income isn’t you are thinking of giving up the car say that as YOU do internet shops you don’t really need to pop to Waitrose very often and would be happy to go halves on a taxi with her if she ever needed to go?

I think your friend should definitely contribute financially. They way I'd deal with the matter though is to be not quite so available.

If she's an otherwise nice person, she may not have intended to hurt you. We all say ill-advised things at some point in our lives.

You are too good a friend who is in danger of becoming a taken-for-granted taxi service.

Goodness, Maw, they're really taking the p* out of you, aren't they?

Step away, before you become their personal doormat.

MawBroon, I realised after a while that I was used as a taxi service by my Church "friends". So decided enough was enough and put a stop to it. They use to queue up for free lifts but were noticeably absent when I had to buy petrol. Lesson learned.