AIBU to feel left out?

Sweetcake I’m with you!. Why do we let them stress us out so~~~~~ much. Such a thoughtless selfish generation.

Wiggy52 ?? these are for you. Your DD will come back from her holiday all forgiving and you will definitely be invited to her wedding and you did have that lovely ‘thank you’ message from her partner. Your DD should never have asked you to look after the cat for 3 months.

Yes well, speaking as someone who volunteered to look after the cat and then lost it.....????
I hope you found it Eglantine! When we looked after one once it strayed to a nearby car park and got run over

Your daughter announced her wedding to you, her mother, via a family chat forum; no wonder you are upset. It was also her uncle who died suddenly and her brother- in-law who was seriously ill; as a health care professional one would expect her to be acquainted with grief and its effect.
Apparently not; or not as serious as caring for her cat. At least her fiance sounds a decent man.

With regard to your daughter's behaviour I have no advice to offer; I think it is shocking, but some of today's adult children seem to have no compunction in behaving badly towards their parents, and you will be hurt more if you pursue it.
But I most certainly would not offer any financial support again.

sorry should read "death that way"

Take the time they are away to look after yourself and try to get over all the trauma, I can see its been one shock after another, then when they come home wait to see what is expected of you with regards to the wedding not everyone needs mum and dad to organise or pay for anything now. Of course a personal phone call would have been nice but social media is the modern way, we have just found out about a family death way. With regard to the cat let sleeping dogs lie!

4allweknow I can't really believe in the idea the wedding was meant to be a surprise for the mother, weddings simply are not used in this way. I expect the OP is right and the daughter was throwing a hissy about the cat. However, like most people here, I think this will blow over if the OP goes on communicating with the DD in a friendly but low-key way. Playing it by ear, there may some a time when it seems a good time to say to the DD "do you want to talk about when I wouldn't have the cat?" but chances are anything that needed saying or gesturing was done at the time. At least she replied to the offer of money, so that's a good sign. She probably would have felt guilty about accepting, because deep down she knows her reaction was a little selfish and that she should have told the mother first about the wedding before advertising on facebook.

As my old gran would have said '. Six o one and half dozen t 'other'.

Well said Jackiesue. Many young people today are selfish and it's all about them or nothing. Not all of them though and I have found within my own family that it depends on the parents and what they have learned from them.

Quote 'When I came home ! I told D I could not look after her cat'.Had you confirmed cat sitting before 'in between' things started to happen ?If so when it was clear you felt your duties were to those who were ill , did you have any idea how long you would be away? if not then you should have contacted D at that point and explained you could not look after her cat. Not waited until you returned home.It was a bomb shell to D who then had to ask another to look after her cat.Put yourself in her place. She was going away for three months and a wedding to arrange.?Let sleeping dogs lie and look forward to the wedding.

Just one comment if you don't mind. I notice that on the two occasions that you contacted her after the wedding announcement, it was "all about you". First contact, you told her that you were upset at how you found out. Second contact, your husband told her how upset you were . It might be time to stop thinking that it's all about you and your feelings, and to simply say how happy you are that they are getting married. Then move on .

I have a much loved cat, I'm widowed so when I go to visit DM I'm very lucky that one of my neighbours will pop in twice a day to feed him, I have a cat flap so he gets the best of both world, he's fed & in his own home. DD has taken him back to her house (he was her cat originally) but she has to keep him in as there are lots of other cats where she lives, 2 days into a stay with her & he turns into a monster

Sorry you've had so much heartache but our ACs sometimes are very insensitive. I would do as others advise, keep a low profile & look forward to a lovely wedding next year

Yes well, speaking as someone who volunteered to look after the cat and then lost it.....????

You know what, families require a lot of forgiveness sometimes. On all sides.

You both got it a bit wrong. Forgive. ?

Just waiting for the cat lovers to pounce GabriellaG!

Sit tight and hope for the best

What a fuss and all over a blooming cat.
I never offer or agree to look after anyone's pets as you never know what 'emergencies' arise in your own life. It would also mean that, for three months, you'd be unable to go away for a day out much less a weekend away.
I hope the OP looks after herself after a trying few months.

I hope this all blows over - best to say nothing even if that is very difficult.

As far as the cat is concerned - it's just a bloomin' cat - could they not have found another home for it if they were going to be away for so long? Cats are notoriously disloyal anyway.

Look you can do what everyone, almost, says above and be self righteous or you can see that, with her, her cat stood for her and she trusted you and you said no. She can’t explain this because it sounds mad but this is emotional not rational or even reasonable. Say you are sorry about the cat (who is it being looked after by?) can you step in? It’s symbolic and she loves her cat. I loved my mum most when she took my close relationship with a dog very seriously, when it mattered most. unconditional, unquestioning although she herself would never have made such choices. What goes round comes round. It’s her love you want back and she yours. People haven’t evolved into different creatures because of social media.

This is how "they" are today. Selfish, self centred offspring who think of themselves first. Get used to it and get used to putting your own needs first or you are forever going to be hurt. Im reading more and more about this is how they do it now and we as parents and g.parents are astounded by their lack of thought. Nothing you can do,but put all your efforts into having the best life for you you can have.

There’s no worse pain than falling out with your children, it happened to me with my daughter,we do talk now, but for me it’s never going to be the same.One would think at our age that life gets easier,just try to make other things going on in your, the bigger picture.At least you have other children,are they able to diffuse the situation?

Well, focus on the fact that she made a point of texting you about the wedding date - I know you'd have preferred a call but they're certainly not cutting you out! When she returns from trip full of her adventures, try to be happy and just accept how things are - I think if you get too whingy you can alienate adult kids altogether. xxx

I don't think the cat has anything to do with this. They let you know at the same time as anyone else in a family chat. That's how they operate these days. Just try to be happy for them and don't take it personally.

As others have said let the dust settle, take a large number of deep breaths and look at the big picture, the long view of how you would like your relationship with your daughter and her family to be in the future. You had a huge number of major stresses and so did your daughter and partner. Accept the offered olive branch (he sounds like a lovely guy), smooth down your feathers and move on. ?

I am sorry that you have had to deal with so much stress and a bereavement. Yes, in an ideal world, I do think your daughter ought to have told you personally about her impending wedding but I would be wary of falling out with her over all this. You could end up with permanent estrangement and no invitation to the wedding. Time will heal. It's quite a while before she's back in UK. By then, you may feel better and it will blow over. Don't blow your chances of a future relationship with daughter, son-in-law and perhaps grandchildren.

The cat - I think you were right to refuse to look after the cat after you had been through so much if you did not feel up to looking after it.

Least said, soonest mended. Good luck!

Omg I really do wonder about the generation we've bought up they turning into selfish adults who thinks the world owes them everything and all over a cat!! I dispare I really do!!

PS Quizqueen: a cat cannot stay on its own for three months! We put our cat into a cattery for two weeks once, it was ok, not much space and not much companionship for the cat. Much better for cat to stay safely with trusted friend, relative, etc, if needed in one room in the house, with cats own bed and loo tray and companionship ?.

Apologies for straying off the point of family relationships and weddings!