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AIBU to feel left out?

(67 Posts)
wiggys52 Sun 08-Jul-18 01:16:34

DD and fiancé have gone overseas travelling for 3 months and very early in the planning I was asked if we would care for their cat. We live rurally 4 1/2 hours drive from them. I muttered something along the lines of 'maybe'. It was also mentioned that a close friend of theirs may have the cat. In between all of this another daughter's husband ended up in hospital for 10 weeks and I went and looked after granddaughter for that time so daughter could stay with husband in hospital. They live 1000kms from us. (SIL all good now) Towards the end of my time away my brother was diagnosed with brain tumour. He was given 12 months and my husband and I were planning to visit about now. Unfortunately he deteriorated far quicker than was first thought and I ended flying over 2 1/2 months ago to see him, but he died whilst I was flying (24 hour trip to fly). When I came back home I was feeling very unsettled and a bit fragile and told daughter that I didn't want the responsibility of looking after cat. She was very, very, miffed to say the least. Anyway I didn't hear from her from that point . Then 2 days before they departed a message appeared on a family chat forum saying 'save the date' for their wedding next year. This was the very first we had heard of anything. I was extremely upset, tried to call but got message bank so left a message saying I was very upset to hear this way and couldn't she have at least called and told us. Message back saying she didn't understand why I was upset and she was letting us know. After speaking to her sisters I find out that she's been talking to them about venues etc. Feeling very left out and was totally blindsided by news. In the last few weeks before they left I had tried to call but had left a message wishing them both a fun and safe time and had even sent a 'bon voyage' card and she hadn't called me back. (She is a health professional and works shifts, so difficult to know when best to call). When her other sisters were married we had contributed a good sum of money towards each wedding and my husband had sent daughter an email after the notification asking if she"d give us a call as I was so upset and that wedding planning can be very fraught and we would like to contribute. She never called and sent a message saying not to worry about money. Did receive a lovely message from her partner after they had left saying he'd been unaware of our messages and that we'd get together when they're back. I was so looking forward to this wedding and now I'm not. Not even sure we will be invited. All because I didn't want the cat!! Going forward how should I deal with this? Sorry this is such a long conversation. Thank you.

stella1949 Sun 08-Jul-18 01:45:56

Luckily you have the luxury of time on your side - the wedding isn't until next year so you've got time for this whole thing to blow over.

You say that her partner has written you a lovely message - I imagine that he is aware of your daughter's upset and is trying to smooth things over now. Take a step back and let time heal these wounds.

None of us knows what is going on in other's lives - you had all those family health issues influencing your decision about the cat, but maybe she had problems too and you didn't know about them. Her plans about the cat might have been just one thing which was going on in her life then - and your refusal may have been the last straw for her. She thought she could depend on you and then she couldn't.

I'd take a deep breath and let it go . Wait until they come back and then have a long talk to her about everything. Time really does heal a lot of problems - maybe this will be one of them. Good luck.

BlueBelle Sun 08-Jul-18 07:51:53

Oh dear I can understand how upset you are, isn’t life a bitch sometimes
This is down to miscommunication and lack of strong guidelines isn’t it, I do this too try to juggle too many balls because it’s hard to say an outright no I suppose that what you should have done is say no to the cat when she first asked but it all became vague with unspoken expectations and equally unspoken refusals but it’s very harsh to not tell you about her forthcoming wedding and you must be very very upset and feeling left out it’s her punishment for as she sees it letting her down but all over a blooming cat

I d try to leave it as Stella says and let it calm down with their lovely travel taking all the edge of it and hopefully it ll be forgotten when they get back

annep Sun 08-Jul-18 08:09:16

Was the cat coming to stay with you? four hours is a long drive. Anyway daughter is behaving abominably especially considering she will be away so long. And obviously her partner agrees. She should have more sense. She's not a child. Her sisters should tell her so as well.. I personally would leave her to it for now. You've done enough. Hopefully she'll apologise soon. Time usually sorts things out. 😊

sodapop Sun 08-Jul-18 08:14:47

Yes other posters are right, let the dust settle for a while. You have been under a lot of stress with all your family illnesses so forget about it and relax. Don't let this cause a family rift.

NfkDumpling Sun 08-Jul-18 08:15:49

My goodness, you’ve had a bit to deal with haven’t you! No wonder you were feeling tender and got upset. And then three months travelling takes quite a bit of planning so she may have been a bit miffed at having to find somewhere else for the cat in the middle of it all. Then deciding to plan for a wedding as well! She probably is a bit fraught too.

I agree with the others that a year is a long time and they have three months of wonder travel and adventure ahead so there’s plenty of time for things to get back to normal. These things happen so easily and can be so difficult to put right. I’m sure she didn’t really mean to hurt you so much. Try to let it go, rise above it and chat on your family chat forum.

DanniRae Sun 08-Jul-18 08:20:51

Draw a line under it all in your mind and make a fresh start when they return. "Least said soonest mended" was one of my mum's favourite sayings and it's still true today.

Rocknroll5me Sun 08-Jul-18 09:30:19

some things can just trigger...and this was one. It meant a lot to her that you had safekeeping of her cat and she probably knew it was unreasonable - it was emotional and she was hurt. I don't think it is about right and wrong. You love her and I think you have to understand. She was obviously deeply anxious about her three-month trip and her cat stood for everything she was leaving and the only way she felt OK about that was if you, her trusted mum looked after it. And you said no. This I imagine how she felt. So hurt she wants to hurt you back. To get that back say how sorry you are in restrospect in not looking after her cat, and you realise how important it was to her. That's it. Don't mention what stress you were under. Or anything about the wedding. It is something mysterious that can affect people with dearly loved animal companions when that affection is not seemingly taken seriously. She didn't really trust anyone else and hoped you would get it. Good luck...she loves you deeply.

4allweknow Sun 08-Jul-18 09:35:20

Given time your hurt will ease. Whilst daughter doesn't seem bothered perhaps her plan was to surprise you about the wedding. Your other DDs must have been primed not to mention the plans too as they had been involved re venues. Dont really think the cat issue would be a problem, your daughter seems to live her own life and doesnt go with tradition. Perhaps you should too, and leave her to sorting out her wedding. Very mych doubt you wont be given an invite. Sit back, stop worrying about what has passed, given all the stress you have had you need to take time to yoursellf now.

holdingontometeeth Sun 08-Jul-18 09:37:22

Your daughter sounds such a lovely person.
Self centred at best.
Let her get on with her life and you with yours.

wildswan16 Sun 08-Jul-18 09:39:10

I think the cat has nothing much to do with it. You are exhausted, emotional from everything you have coped with over the recent past.

The couple maybe want to look after their own wedding arrangements - they are both working and many couples now want to fund their own celebrations. That doesn't mean they are shutting you out. Indeed, they maybe felt you had had enough to deal with lately.

Let things die down, then I think you will be able to pick up your relationship and carry on as before. In the meantime, try and relax and give yourself some treats.

quizqueen Sun 08-Jul-18 09:43:03

Cats don't want to move to someone else's home far away for 3 months, how would that work!

Luckygirl Sun 08-Jul-18 09:48:13

Take a deep breath - visualise your hurt on an express train vanishing over the horizon!!

Really; all you can do is put it behind you - all of it - and then you will all have a happy day.

The only real substance to this is the fact that you heard about the decision to marry over social media - I know it seems dismissive of you, but really this is how the next generation operate and communicate and I am sure that there was no desire to hurt.

Please do not let your feelings just now stop you from enjoying a lovely wedding and having a close and happy future relationship with your DD and your (very lovely, by the sound of things) future SIL.

And do not be hurt if they involve you less in the wedding plans. Each of your AC are individuals and will do things differently. To give an example: one of my DDs was determined that I would be there at the birth of her children; one didn't mention it (so I wasn't there); and one the last was clear she wanted it to be just the two of them. Now....I could have decided to be upset about the latter two, but chose not to. I am sure you see the parallels with weddings and different AC wanting to do tings in their own ways.

Just look forward to the wedding! - go buy a hat!!

maryhoffman37 Sun 08-Jul-18 09:49:04

I understand you are upset and have had a horrible few months but if you left it till very close to the departure date, it would have been hard for them to find someone else to look after their cat, who I suppose is precious to them. So she is angry with you. But it was a bit mean of her not to tell you her planned wedding date before it was on social media. If you want to play a part in this wedding I think you'll need to swallow your hurt and even apologise for not taking the cat. Good luck!

Baggs Sun 08-Jul-18 09:54:09

OP, you have had a lot of stress to deal with. It will have been hard and perhaps still is. I hope you are coping flowers. However, I think your DD has every right to tell you about her wedding plans in the way she finds most convenient. It's her wedding. In current common parlance, she owns it. You don't (unless she's expecting you to pay for it). Maybe just take pleasure in her good news and don't make it something else to stress about?

There was a stressful period in my life when a few people (three family members if I remember rightly) objected to my way of letting them know things. To me, back then, that just showed a complete lack of empathy with the daily stress I was dealing with. I regarded their complaints about my method of communication as selfish, making it all about them. I said so. I said I had the right to communicate with them in the way that was easiest for me and if they didn't like it they could jolly well lump it. They stopped whining.

Baggs Sun 08-Jul-18 09:56:48

I also don't see how anyone could be "totally blindsided" about news regarding a wedding from an already engaged and co-habiting couple.

FlorenceFlower Sun 08-Jul-18 09:58:43

Just a thought, but you say you looked after another daughters child for several weeks unexpectedly. Is your ‘cat’ daughter feeling that perhaps you do more for other relatives, and that you don’t want to do something fairly small for her, ie looking after her cat who she loves and cares for?

Cats can be very easy to look after, we confine ours to the house if we are away, when our friend (who we pay) stays to look after our house, cats and dog. Whereas a granddaughter is a huge responsibility and much more time consuming - in a lovely, wonderful way of course!

Don’t be upset at not hearing directly from your daughter about the wedding, people do lots of even important things nowadays by text, WhatsApp, Messaging, etc.

Lots of good suggestions from others on this thread, but (sometimes) least said, soonest mended! 🐈 🌺

FlorenceFlower Sun 08-Jul-18 10:09:26

PS Quizqueen: a cat cannot stay on its own for three months! We put our cat into a cattery for two weeks once, it was ok, not much space and not much companionship for the cat. Much better for cat to stay safely with trusted friend, relative, etc, if needed in one room in the house, with cats own bed and loo tray and companionship 🐈.

Apologies for straying off the point of family relationships and weddings!

sweetcakes Sun 08-Jul-18 10:11:36

Omg I really do wonder about the generation we've bought up they turning into selfish adults who thinks the world owes them everything and all over a cat!! I dispare I really do!!

Melanieeastanglia Sun 08-Jul-18 10:13:06

I am sorry that you have had to deal with so much stress and a bereavement. Yes, in an ideal world, I do think your daughter ought to have told you personally about her impending wedding but I would be wary of falling out with her over all this. You could end up with permanent estrangement and no invitation to the wedding. Time will heal. It's quite a while before she's back in UK. By then, you may feel better and it will blow over. Don't blow your chances of a future relationship with daughter, son-in-law and perhaps grandchildren.

The cat - I think you were right to refuse to look after the cat after you had been through so much if you did not feel up to looking after it.

Least said, soonest mended. Good luck!

Apricity Sun 08-Jul-18 10:19:28

As others have said let the dust settle, take a large number of deep breaths and look at the big picture, the long view of how you would like your relationship with your daughter and her family to be in the future. You had a huge number of major stresses and so did your daughter and partner. Accept the offered olive branch (he sounds like a lovely guy), smooth down your feathers and move on. 💐

pollyperkins Sun 08-Jul-18 10:23:46

I don't think the cat has anything to do with this. They let you know at the same time as anyone else in a family chat. That's how they operate these days. Just try to be happy for them and don't take it personally.

starbox Sun 08-Jul-18 10:28:21

Well, focus on the fact that she made a point of texting you about the wedding date - I know you'd have preferred a call but they're certainly not cutting you out! When she returns from trip full of her adventures, try to be happy and just accept how things are - I think if you get too whingy you can alienate adult kids altogether. xxx

Elenkalubleton Sun 08-Jul-18 10:30:17

There’s no worse pain than falling out with your children, it happened to me with my daughter,we do talk now, but for me it’s never going to be the same.One would think at our age that life gets easier,just try to make other things going on in your, the bigger picture.At least you have other children,are they able to diffuse the situation?

Jackiesue Sun 08-Jul-18 10:32:14

This is how "they" are today. Selfish, self centred offspring who think of themselves first. Get used to it and get used to putting your own needs first or you are forever going to be hurt. Im reading more and more about this is how they do it now and we as parents and g.parents are astounded by their lack of thought. Nothing you can do,but put all your efforts into having the best life for you you can have.