AIBU to feel left out?

Just a thought, but you say you looked after another daughters child for several weeks unexpectedly. Is your ‘cat’ daughter feeling that perhaps you do more for other relatives, and that you don’t want to do something fairly small for her, ie looking after her cat who she loves and cares for?

Cats can be very easy to look after, we confine ours to the house if we are away, when our friend (who we pay) stays to look after our house, cats and dog. Whereas a granddaughter is a huge responsibility and much more time consuming - in a lovely, wonderful way of course!

Don’t be upset at not hearing directly from your daughter about the wedding, people do lots of even important things nowadays by text, WhatsApp, Messaging, etc.

Lots of good suggestions from others on this thread, but (sometimes) least said, soonest mended! ? ?

I also don't see how anyone could be "totally blindsided" about news regarding a wedding from an already engaged and co-habiting couple.

OP, you have had a lot of stress to deal with. It will have been hard and perhaps still is. I hope you are coping . However, I think your DD has every right to tell you about her wedding plans in the way she finds most convenient. It's her wedding. In current common parlance, she owns it. You don't (unless she's expecting you to pay for it). Maybe just take pleasure in her good news and don't make it something else to stress about?

There was a stressful period in my life when a few people (three family members if I remember rightly) objected to my way of letting them know things. To me, back then, that just showed a complete lack of empathy with the daily stress I was dealing with. I regarded their complaints about my method of communication as selfish, making it all about them. I said so. I said I had the right to communicate with them in the way that was easiest for me and if they didn't like it they could jolly well lump it. They stopped whining.

I understand you are upset and have had a horrible few months but if you left it till very close to the departure date, it would have been hard for them to find someone else to look after their cat, who I suppose is precious to them. So she is angry with you. But it was a bit mean of her not to tell you her planned wedding date before it was on social media. If you want to play a part in this wedding I think you'll need to swallow your hurt and even apologise for not taking the cat. Good luck!

Take a deep breath - visualise your hurt on an express train vanishing over the horizon!!

Really; all you can do is put it behind you - all of it - and then you will all have a happy day.

The only real substance to this is the fact that you heard about the decision to marry over social media - I know it seems dismissive of you, but really this is how the next generation operate and communicate and I am sure that there was no desire to hurt.

Please do not let your feelings just now stop you from enjoying a lovely wedding and having a close and happy future relationship with your DD and your (very lovely, by the sound of things) future SIL.

And do not be hurt if they involve you less in the wedding plans. Each of your AC are individuals and will do things differently. To give an example: one of my DDs was determined that I would be there at the birth of her children; one didn't mention it (so I wasn't there); and one the last was clear she wanted it to be just the two of them. Now....I could have decided to be upset about the latter two, but chose not to. I am sure you see the parallels with weddings and different AC wanting to do tings in their own ways.

Just look forward to the wedding! - go buy a hat!!

Cats don't want to move to someone else's home far away for 3 months, how would that work!

I think the cat has nothing much to do with it. You are exhausted, emotional from everything you have coped with over the recent past.

The couple maybe want to look after their own wedding arrangements - they are both working and many couples now want to fund their own celebrations. That doesn't mean they are shutting you out. Indeed, they maybe felt you had had enough to deal with lately.

Let things die down, then I think you will be able to pick up your relationship and carry on as before. In the meantime, try and relax and give yourself some treats.

Your daughter sounds such a lovely person.
Self centred at best.
Let her get on with her life and you with yours.

Given time your hurt will ease. Whilst daughter doesn't seem bothered perhaps her plan was to surprise you about the wedding. Your other DDs must have been primed not to mention the plans too as they had been involved re venues. Dont really think the cat issue would be a problem, your daughter seems to live her own life and doesnt go with tradition. Perhaps you should too, and leave her to sorting out her wedding. Very mych doubt you wont be given an invite. Sit back, stop worrying about what has passed, given all the stress you have had you need to take time to yoursellf now.

some things can just trigger...and this was one. It meant a lot to her that you had safekeeping of her cat and she probably knew it was unreasonable - it was emotional and she was hurt. I don't think it is about right and wrong. You love her and I think you have to understand. She was obviously deeply anxious about her three-month trip and her cat stood for everything she was leaving and the only way she felt OK about that was if you, her trusted mum looked after it. And you said no. This I imagine how she felt. So hurt she wants to hurt you back. To get that back say how sorry you are in restrospect in not looking after her cat, and you realise how important it was to her. That's it. Don't mention what stress you were under. Or anything about the wedding. It is something mysterious that can affect people with dearly loved animal companions when that affection is not seemingly taken seriously. She didn't really trust anyone else and hoped you would get it. Good luck...she loves you deeply.

Draw a line under it all in your mind and make a fresh start when they return. "Least said soonest mended" was one of my mum's favourite sayings and it's still true today.

My goodness, you’ve had a bit to deal with haven’t you! No wonder you were feeling tender and got upset. And then three months travelling takes quite a bit of planning so she may have been a bit miffed at having to find somewhere else for the cat in the middle of it all. Then deciding to plan for a wedding as well! She probably is a bit fraught too.

I agree with the others that a year is a long time and they have three months of wonder travel and adventure ahead so there’s plenty of time for things to get back to normal. These things happen so easily and can be so difficult to put right. I’m sure she didn’t really mean to hurt you so much. Try to let it go, rise above it and chat on your family chat forum.

Yes other posters are right, let the dust settle for a while. You have been under a lot of stress with all your family illnesses so forget about it and relax. Don't let this cause a family rift.

Was the cat coming to stay with you? four hours is a long drive. Anyway daughter is behaving abominably especially considering she will be away so long. And obviously her partner agrees. She should have more sense. She's not a child. Her sisters should tell her so as well.. I personally would leave her to it for now. You've done enough. Hopefully she'll apologise soon. Time usually sorts things out. ?

Oh dear I can understand how upset you are, isn’t life a bitch sometimes
This is down to miscommunication and lack of strong guidelines isn’t it, I do this too try to juggle too many balls because it’s hard to say an outright no I suppose that what you should have done is say no to the cat when she first asked but it all became vague with unspoken expectations and equally unspoken refusals but it’s very harsh to not tell you about her forthcoming wedding and you must be very very upset and feeling left out it’s her punishment for as she sees it letting her down but all over a blooming cat

I d try to leave it as Stella says and let it calm down with their lovely travel taking all the edge of it and hopefully it ll be forgotten when they get back

Luckily you have the luxury of time on your side - the wedding isn't until next year so you've got time for this whole thing to blow over.

You say that her partner has written you a lovely message - I imagine that he is aware of your daughter's upset and is trying to smooth things over now. Take a step back and let time heal these wounds.

None of us knows what is going on in other's lives - you had all those family health issues influencing your decision about the cat, but maybe she had problems too and you didn't know about them. Her plans about the cat might have been just one thing which was going on in her life then - and your refusal may have been the last straw for her. She thought she could depend on you and then she couldn't.

I'd take a deep breath and let it go . Wait until they come back and then have a long talk to her about everything. Time really does heal a lot of problems - maybe this will be one of them. Good luck.