Gransnet forums

AIBU

To be shocked and saddened.

(76 Posts)
gmelon Mon 09-Jul-18 18:45:31

I have roamed into unfamiliar territory and ambled over to mumsnet.
I am not sure if I am allowed to quote from mumsnet so I may get deleted.
I had a look over there and the first thread I read was:
AIBU To return "gift" to PIL.

The comments shocked me. Buying a swing for eight month old grandchild is now , in some quarters, a hanging offence. Yes, there may be some irritation at relatives but we've all been there as young parents.

I stopped reading before the end of page one.
This post below from one enthusiastic mumsnetter was too much.

*When they give you another unwanted gift just hands it back and say 'I don't want this"

"Be firm and stop caring if they like you. Put crudely - you have what they want - DS - they do not have anything you want, you are in control of this relationship whether they like it or not so stop."*

Us grandparents don't have anything they want? There are so many angry and IMO deluded people out there.

gmelon Mon 09-Jul-18 22:09:11

I may have stumbled into the wrong part of mumsnet.
I've now found lots of LTB advice for the smallest of annoyances with husbands or partners.
Advice to go NC with all and any grandparents that miff the precious parent/s.
Also all manner of personal matters spoken about in extremely coarse terms.
LTB Leave The Bas***d
NC No Contact.

Where's the good advice, I know it is there somewhere?

muffinthemoo Mon 09-Jul-18 22:59:09

The reviews of baby equipment are usually really helpful 😂

Momof3 Tue 10-Jul-18 00:21:31

That thread is about a grandmother who has been asked nicely if she would stop kissing her granddaughter with bright pink lipstick on because the daughter in law couldn’t get the lipstick off. Mother in law refused and now does it on purpose after making a show off reapplying her lipstick. Now given the fact that lipstick can be terrible to get off and why any grandmother would want to plaster her grand daughter in bright pink lipstick. Also how rude to completely disregard the mother’s feelings and go out of your way to make a point.

Momof3 Tue 10-Jul-18 00:23:01

The good needed advice is there, Gransnet exists because of Mumsnet and maybe not everything is the mother’s fault

Oswin Tue 10-Jul-18 00:25:24

The replies to the Op are in context though. Advising the Op how to talk to her pil who ignore what the parents say then get abusive.

Op i think you are being a bit dramatic. The relationship board gives out sound advise.
Yes alot of women are told to ltb. Thats because there are a lot of women with men who do nothing woth the children and financially abuse there partner.
There is so many posts like this each day.

And if you do see a ltb in response to a minor thing it will be a joke, because of posters like you.

gmelon Tue 10-Jul-18 00:29:58

Oswin And if you do see a ltb in response to a minor thing it will be a joke, because of posters like you.

??????????

Cold Tue 10-Jul-18 00:52:28

I think OP is only giving part of the story here - but I guess a good "let's criticize MN" thread always goes down well here - as long as they ignore the actual information and just give GNers (misleading) highlights

This was the thread about the extremely boundary challenged PILs if I am right? I read the thread this morning and thought myself that the PILs were being very unreasonable
- the PILs wanted to buy a baby swing but were asked politely not to buy a swing for GC because the baby's own parents were saving up for a swingset for baby's 1st birthday. The PIL's then turned up with the swing anyway, and told the parents to "f* off" when the parents wanted to stick to their original plan and stormed off. The parents wondered if they should return the swing or not.

These particular PILs seemed to be going out of their way to create a rift - sensible PILs do not
- call the child's mother "selfish" for breastfeeding their own child because the PILs want to give bottles
- neither do sensible PILs ever use their emergency key to enter DS/DIL's home to throw away their furnishings and rearrange rooms to their own taste

I am a MIL and cannot imagine ever being so rude or overstepping boundaries so badly

Oswin Tue 10-Jul-18 00:56:13

Sorry should have explained. Because there will be, weekly, someone who will make.a post on mumsnet to attack the relationship board. And act like ltb is being hands out to women whos dp ate the last chocs. So posters do it now. Everyone knows if its a sarky thing.

If a ltb is serious its for a good reason. Women need to be shocked into realising that its ok to expect better of men. Its ok to expect them to do the housework and childcare. Its ok to have full access to finances. And if he doesnt its ok to say you dont want to be with him.
Women are told by society that to divorce is awful, that a man must be doing something awful to leave him. Its wrong

Sj0102 Tue 10-Jul-18 01:23:50

The post by muffin is completely different than what the OP on MN posted. Just another way that news here is slanted to make people feel sorry for the grandmother who’s only crime was loving the kids too much.

Sj0102 Tue 10-Jul-18 01:27:26

Oops not muffin - gmelon. Muffin is the sleuth who does excellent detective work on other threads for the greater good.

gmelon Tue 10-Jul-18 01:51:14

My post is stating the response.
The response. Which is horrid.
Why does sleuthing need to take place?

gmelon Tue 10-Jul-18 01:52:49

I have not slanted anything.
I have stated exactly the response.
Not, I repeat, not the OP from mumsnet.

Sj0102 Tue 10-Jul-18 01:57:15

Gmelon. By not posting all the pertinent information you are slanting it to seem like oh look at these horrid people for refusing a gift! When in fact the mil was told no and she was the one throwing a tantrum after it was rejected.

The responses are spot on and justified. Except to any crazy person out there who believes mils can do as they please.

OldMeg Tue 10-Jul-18 06:49:09

Sj ...yes, I remember you and your vitriolic posts from a previous thread. And you are very obviously on Mumsnet too.

Suggest you return there and add your pearls of wisdom where you are more appreciated 🤣

Luckylegs9 Tue 10-Jul-18 07:04:59

A small snippet of a post can be taken out of content. I wouldn't look on Mumsnet, they upset a friend of mine very much. There are just a few on there with severe emotional issues and some of their posts should just be ignored. My mil was lovely and I know she loved me. If a mother has said she wants a certain thing for baby, that is strong and serviceable, she is quite right to say, thank you but we want the other one as it is safer. It is the way you say it that counts. It can be taken back and money refunded. I always have asked what to get as I want everyone happy. By the way I definitely would not allow that word in front of my child, whatever their age.

Iam64 Tue 10-Jul-18 07:54:30

Luckylegs9 - the negative comments you make about mumsnet could equally apply to gransnet,or to most discussion forums.

Farmor15 Tue 10-Jul-18 08:09:28

Anyone curious about where the good advice on Mumsnet is- just look at all the Talk topics, not just ‘discussions of the day’ or relationships threads. These are always going to be controversial issues.

The threads under ‘being a parent’ are the ones where I noticed good advice about sleep etc.

Bluegal Tue 10-Jul-18 10:39:37

After reading the original post and then looking at the post in question on mums net I have to say I agree with Sj0102: the post by gmelon is written in such a way that it does sound the parents are being unreasonable when you look into it, it is infact, the grandparents who appear to be being unreasonable?

I don't know what's prompted Old Megs response to SJ0102 but she is spot on. Any information taken out of context can be construed in many different ways.

Also not sure why the OP gmelon, was 'saddened and shocked' by it? People were stating their views...nothing outlandishly shocking as far as I can see? Maybe I am missing something?

gmelon Tue 10-Jul-18 10:47:05

This is the problem.

*When they give you another unwanted gift just hands it back and say 'I don't want this"

"Be firm and stop caring if they like you. Put crudely - you have what they want - DS - they do not have anything you want, you are in control of this relationship whether they like it or not so stop."*

gmelon Tue 10-Jul-18 10:59:19

OldMeg Oh yes.... It's all coming back to me now. I remember Sj too.

*Sj ...yes, I remember you and your vitriolic posts from a previous thread. And you are very obviously on Mumsnet too.

Suggest you return there and add your pearls of wisdom where you are more appreciated*🤣

janeainsworth Tue 10-Jul-18 11:36:58

gmelon those responses that you’ve quoted are no more unpleasant than much of the advice that appears on Gransnet from time to time.

Bluegal Tue 10-Jul-18 11:47:26

Thanks gmelon - TBH I think that particular poster (although could have worded it better) is not far wrong! The grandparents 'appear' to be trying to control the situation in this instance (am only speaking about this thread not everything and everyone in general) and what she is saying is that the 'parents' basically need to stand up for themselves and make the decisions regarding their DS.

Initially (reading your post) I thought the Grandparents had bought a swing for the child and the parents had rudely said they didn't want it with others responding and being disrespectful to the poor grandparents (felt a slight outrage myself) But when I actually read it all... This isn't the case and the OP on Mum'snet explains it well I think.

It takes respect all round but Grandparents do have to remember whose child it is. If I wanted to buy something like this and I was asked not to..... I wouldn't or I would maybe ask if I could buy it for my own garden?

Why would any reasonable person (no matter what relation) try to upset or usurp a child's parents?

muffinthemoo Tue 10-Jul-18 12:07:09

To be fair, if the GP in that story rolled up to gransnet and posted “I wanted to buy DGS a swing. Son and DIL said they were already saving up for one. So I bought one anyway, rolled up to the house with it, and when they said they had been saving up for one, I told them to f* off”, I think they would mostly be told by other grans to wind their necks in.

alchemilla Tue 10-Jul-18 13:28:01

Another one thinking not quoting or linking to the OP on Mumsnet is at best not clear at worst misleading.

Yes, some of the comments below the OP were aggressive. But since gmelon stopped read before the end of the first comments page, it's not easy to tell if the ones she quotes are representative.

There are some wonderful GPs amongst us - and I suspect the vast majority - but some can be abusive and blind and some use their advantageous financial position to lord it. Same as all relatives.

Sj0102 Tue 10-Jul-18 13:38:40

Muffin. But that is not what was posted here. Just a snippet was included and the words included were intended to make everyone feel sympathy for these poor grandparents who had their gift rejected.