Gransnet forums


To be shocked and saddened.

(76 Posts)
gmelon Mon 09-Jul-18 18:45:31

I have roamed into unfamiliar territory and ambled over to mumsnet.
I am not sure if I am allowed to quote from mumsnet so I may get deleted.
I had a look over there and the first thread I read was:
AIBU To return "gift" to PIL.

The comments shocked me. Buying a swing for eight month old grandchild is now , in some quarters, a hanging offence. Yes, there may be some irritation at relatives but we've all been there as young parents.

I stopped reading before the end of page one.
This post below from one enthusiastic mumsnetter was too much.

*When they give you another unwanted gift just hands it back and say 'I don't want this"

"Be firm and stop caring if they like you. Put crudely - you have what they want - DS - they do not have anything you want, you are in control of this relationship whether they like it or not so stop."*

Us grandparents don't have anything they want? There are so many angry and IMO deluded people out there.

Fennel Thu 12-Jul-18 11:34:23

ps although the AIBU topic could be similar - haven't read it.

Fennel Thu 12-Jul-18 11:33:05

The link I use is:
As you can see, most threads are balanced and informative.
There's a lot more to it than generational quarrels.

Madgran77 Thu 12-Jul-18 07:21:41

Saturnvista I agree no point arguing, not worth it and fortunately neither of us have a desire to. I do actually believe that there are GPs that do as you describe, having heard versions of that myself. I think it is a pity that communication and discussion on both GN and MN is not always as reasoned and mutually respectful as ours has been...but having just read that back I'm sure someone wil be thinking "smug ***" so I'll shut up now!smile

Sj0102 Thu 12-Jul-18 03:17:28

Saturnvista. You are spot on. The OP was trying to suggest that moms are being over the top by rejecting this gift because it is poor etiquette to do so.

However these grandparents in this case seem abhorrent, disrespectful and entitled. It is no wonder the advice being posted suggests to limit contact, cut ties, return the gift or set stricter boundaries. Those are natural responses to being disrespected as the parents. Especially when these parents have been told to fu*k off. It’s no wonder people are telling them to do the same thing to the grandparents in kind.

saturnvista Thu 12-Jul-18 00:11:18

can't wait to see their son or daughter open this saved-for gift

saturnvista Thu 12-Jul-18 00:10:42

I take your point meg and not that it's worth arguing about, but it seemed that the OP set up her opening post with the idea that buying a swing was now a hangable offence. Because of the way that posters had suggested the mother in question respond to those who had bought the swing. I was just trying to make the point that mumsnetters do not consider buying a swing a hangable offence at all. But they do see a lot of threads where gifts are bought against parents wishes, knowing that parents are saving hard to give their child the perfect present and can't wait to their son or daughter open this saved-for gift, only to grandparents buy the gift or a cheap replica, just to get in there first. I'm sure you wouldn't do it but you wouldn't believe how many parents seem to do it.

Madgran77 Wed 11-Jul-18 22:01:08

saturnvista I was commenting on the specific point the OP was making about the aggressive advice and the way it was given on Mnet. I think one can comment on the style of advice regardless! I actually accept that the behaviour described in the original thread is inappropriate, (pretty shockingly so) ...but I do not accept that that justifies people advising the understandably upset poster who is experiencing this, in an aggressive , unmeasured, not carefully considered way! I do not think that such OTT emotive delivery of advice helps anyone frankly!

My point u thread was that the OP on Gransnet was specifically commenting on style and nature of advice giving, NOT on the rights or wrongs of the behaviour described by the mumsnet OP!

saturnvista Wed 11-Jul-18 20:39:20


You can't complain about the advice without looking to see what behaviour is triggering the advice, surely?

saturnvista Wed 11-Jul-18 20:36:40

You have really misrepresented that thread, OP.

The grandparents in question had been told that the parents were saving up for a wooden swing for the child's birthday. They have already been told to f* off by the grandparents over several incidents. They were asked not to buy a plastic swing.

They just turned up with it. Their daughter is so traumatised by their outbursts that they were panicky about not having it. But were really looking forward to presenting their son with this wooden swing they had set their heart on giving him.

Not really the way, you presented it, is it?

pollyperkins Wed 11-Jul-18 16:51:10

I think.kost of us would agree with that Marylou. The point we are maki ng is about the aggressive advice given to cut people out of their lives etc which seems very extreme. Using children as bargaining chips just isn't acceptable.

Marylou1977 Wed 11-Jul-18 15:55:09

I’m probably one who posted something harsh on the slide thread. Anyone who undermines new parents deliberately deserves harshness. They are feeling their way as new parents and should be supported. No woman should be berated for breast feeding because grandma thinks it’s selfish. It’s not about grandma. Everyone should stay in there own lane and not interfere.

Madgran77 Wed 11-Jul-18 08:31:29

gmelon smile

Madgran77 Wed 11-Jul-18 08:30:35

agnurse I'm sorry you/DH suffered that and I'm not sure anyone on this site has ever particularly directly questioned your own and your partners decision to CO in those circumstances (I may have missed it!) I personally can see why that decision was made on the basis of what you say! However I am unclear what your point is on THIS thread? Please can you explain

agnurse Wed 11-Jul-18 03:09:27

My FIL body-shamed me and our impressionable young daughter, financially abused us, and tried to destroy our marriage. He ignores our DD for months and then tries to play Granddad Of The Year when we see him (once since a major fall out). He brought his children around his father despite KNOWING

his father was a pedophile and molested his own daughter for several years

FIL's excuse was "I never saw that side of him".

I'm sorry but our daughter does NOT need him in her life. If we are fortunate enough to have more children he won't be allowed to see them. Now, if he offered a sincere apology and tried to change, we would consider it. But that's unlikely to happen.

gmelon Tue 10-Jul-18 18:12:34

Hello, lovely to have you explain that I fell into the wrong rabbit hole on mumsnet.
I'll have to explore the nicer parts.
My experience of grandparenting is my son having four children. With help I look after them.

My son doesn't hesitate. He dives into my car throwing the car seat and booster seats before him. Before I can blink we have four children safely ensconsed in my car.

He follows in his car if we are all going together.
I think he is glad of the break.

I hope things are going well now for you all.

Newmom101 Tue 10-Jul-18 17:09:48

You wandered into AIBU then OP. I came here from mumsnet because the advice I got there was 'go no contact' when having difficulties with my parents whilst pregnant (I needed to find a polite way of telling them to back off, I wasn't even 12 weeks pregnant and they were talking about buying their own car seat and cot etc). However, I've since discovered that AIBU on mumsnet is full of that, there's a reason they refer to it as a 'nest of vipers'. It's a bit like a school playground, but anonymous so they can be mean with no backlash. There's a few prolific posters everyone adores, and everyone else is horrible to each other. But there are plenty of other sections of the site where people are perfectly nice to each other!

gmelon Tue 10-Jul-18 16:45:08


Aha. Yes now I have read the post again (and again) I can see she/he is referring to herself. Or himself. Not sure of the gender, daren't go into that hornets nest. grin wink
Thank you.

Gransnet is like very long and complicated texts to one another. Can be read in the wrong way.

janeainsworth Tue 10-Jul-18 14:56:00

I object to being described as "another one" who won't do a link
gmelon I think Alchemilla was referring to herself. I think she just meant your post would have been clearer if you had quoted or linked to the OP on MN. That’s how I read it anyway.

Alexa Tue 10-Jul-18 14:16:47

Two of the nicest, kindest, and cleverest of my relations have done just that: said that they didn 't want my gift. One refused the sweater as he was insulted by being given one at sale price, the other because he already had a garden hoe. I lived and learned.

gmelon Tue 10-Jul-18 14:05:45

Sometimes we have to weather storms and put up with awful relatives. That's how it used to be and families were not fractured in the way they commonly are now.
I am gladdened to hear of wonderful mothers in law and in laws.
My own were appalling , my husband and I were drained and a bit traumatized by them . We shook our heads in bemusement at their lies, opinions and actions.
My father in law was an upstanding member of the community, attending many functions for good causes.
At home he was to put it very mildly a foul mouthed spiteful bully.

However we weren't ones for a great lot of fuss and arguing because we had our own safe little unit of us and our three boys.

Were we all as a generation more patient?

gmelon Tue 10-Jul-18 13:53:05

Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You got my point.

muffinthemoo Tue 10-Jul-18 13:51:54

Bluegal exactly what I meant. There wouldn’t have been much sympathy for the ‘other side’ of that story assuming everything the adult children said was true.

You can’t be telling your relations to f off (in seriousness, not in jest) and expect that to be alright.

I think we all accept that unreasonable folk are to be found in every level of many families, just some of them are really, really unreasonable!

I understand why the MN post wasn’t linked at first, and I understand why some of the later comments on the thread are a bit hmm but I don’t think anyone is rushing to condemn the MN OP, who clearly was left in a very tricky situation after the swing incident.

I hope her troubles get sorted out.

gmelon Tue 10-Jul-18 13:51:11

I object to being described as "another one" who won't do a link.
As to the OP that I referred I am amazed at the trouble caused by a stupid grandmother. She sounds awful. When it comes to in laws we do however have to cope.
I also note that the OP is saving for a wooden swing set and does not want plastic. She is however considering keeping the gift of a plastic one because she knows her child will enjoy it.
Principles wavering already, I know that feeling. With a first baby we want it perfect but sometimes the baby loves things that we swore we would never give house room.

My in laws were appalling. I really mean appalling. My own mother resigned from motherhood when I was four weeks old and my sister eight. She left the country.

Yes I stopped reading early on. I had read a post that seems to think a child is a possession rather than a shared member of the family.
"You have what they want"

Perhaps someone could explain the No Contact rules.
Grandchildren need their grandparents.
Obviously there are some odd and horrible grandparents, just as there were in our day. We know this.

However this No Contact advice seems to be a popular "thing" now.
Perhaps a punishment for the so called unruly grandparent/s. Or a tool to control the grandparents.

Will some of us live under threat of No Contact and stifle our own personalities when with our AC and GC?

Bluegal Tue 10-Jul-18 13:43:49

Sj0102 (sorry to interject) but I think Muffin is actually singing from the same hymn sheet as you! She is pointing out, from the other perspective, the grandparents would have been told they were bang out of order on here also (I think )

Madgran77 Tue 10-Jul-18 13:42:28

The OP has now said several times that her post was not particularly about the rights or wrongs of the parents or PILs behaviour but about ge type of advice being given by posters !!! SJ the OP was not slanting anything because she was commenting on the responses and advice not on the actions!!!