tell me I'm not BU

We have the same in my family. DH isnt in it as he cant be bothered to work out how to use his smart phone.

DDs &I have a What's App group for organising 'family' stuff. Both then know what's is/isn't happening. They use it to check if I or each other are available for any xtra childcare, I use it if I fancy lunch out with them etc. We live close so mostly it is casual drop ins that don't need major arrangements. DH/SiL not included

I don't have bad relationships with my children. Would not want to give that inpression. Just sometimes could be better.

Oldbatty and annep, I use 'power' in the sense of social status like as annep says "position of respect and value".

Maybe power isn't quite the right word. Position of respect and value- cant think of one word. But Alexa is right. The old in some societies are respected much more than ours. I once went to a Chinese opera in a local theatre. One old lady kept talking loudly about the performance. No one told her to be quiet but kept answering her politely. The lady was treated courteously. No one minded. The opera was not more important than she was. I was really touched.

Why would we want power in our family Alexa?

What an interesting idea.

An ageing mother has diminished power in the family unless she perhaps holds purse strings. Same goes for an ageing father. In our society the old are not venerated.

Affection is often undiminished for an ageing parent however the fact remains that the new younger family is more important to the son or daughter and takes up a lot more of the available time and energy.

One possible way to ameliorate this quite sad situation for ageing parent is for the son or daughter to make a firm and explicit commitment and keep to it, even if the commitment can be only a small one.

My own sons told me explicitly what they would and would not do with regard to me, and I was happy to plan my life accordingly. It is very upsetting when expectations conflict with behaviour . Husbands and wives , and siblings, and also friends and lovers who are able to be assertive with each other do each other a good service.

I'mm very sorry to hear it. This is your experience but not mine. Not only do we have a good relationship with our children and their spouses but so do most of our friends and relations. I do know one perso who has a son who has gone CO though. As I said , generalisations ard not always accurate.

Pollyperkins My three long term best friends, are all very caring mothers who are also very generous to their daughters and they are treated very shabbily by them. My children are sometimes neglectful and make me feel unappreciated.. And believe me we none of us are oversensitive or asking a lot.

As you say your mother is so demanding are they worried that you might become like her? Do you text them with news of your day to day life, or just when you want to see them? A bit of light hearted chat might make them more forthcoming.

Mothers are precious, to be cherished always.

Not all of them are.

I have a few thoughts on this. Julia, you sound lie a lovely person, kind thoughtful and trying to make the best of things.

I wonder if you could explore some of this feeling of loss with a counsellor? Because to me it is a loss.

Your son sounds busy, successful and preoccupied.

Texting is hopeless apart from making the most basic of arrangements.

Be brave, very brave and talk to him. Tell him you miss him, you are struggling, can you work something out.

Whats " the rest" of your life like?

This is not my experience. I don't think you can generalise.

In my experience and with friends too todays children (generally speaking of course- not all) are, sad to say, very self centred. Many of my friends cannot see our children caring at all about "shoving" us into a care home.

Really, I don't actually think that is true; to me, the difference is that in the past, families tended to live closer together - if not actually together - and therefore close ties persisted.

Todays children in general (not all) are much more self centred and unattached to their loving parents than we were.

The worrying thing is - we were the ones that brought them up!

Mine all live a long way away and they sometimes phone us, we sometimes phone them, we skype every week at the same time with the American contingent. All visits are agreed in advance - detailed arrangements are usually made with the DiLs.

We don't make a big thing of it and are happy with what we get.

Julie, I thought that your son simply takes it for granted that you are always welcome. So it's not that you are not welcome, it's that they may be unable to keep you company as much as perhaps you would like.

People cannot always spare the time to sit and talk, have set meal times, or do special things such as some visitors expect.

they

Why not phone, as opposed to texting, Julia? Or do the never pick up?

Well that's really taking the pee Julia time for a frank exchange of views as they say.

11 days later, and another message sent-this time suggesting I come up to visit for his birthday, stay in a hotel, shout them to a posh dinner and babysit while they have a date night. No reply.

I think checking with wife before confirming your visit's ok sound like common sense.

I suspect some of it may stem from mismatched expectations. I think back in the day it was more common that people lived close to family. Mums didn't work and dads only worked 9 to 5 Monday to Friday. There wasn't as much of an expectation for dads to be involved with childrearing. Evenings were family time and then grandparents were visited on the weekends.

Today it's more common for both parents to work. Children are involved in more evening activities. Some parents are divorced so the children don't spend every weekend with them. Weekends become family time. Some parents have to work weekends. People live farther from their families so it takes longer to get there. This means there's less time available for spending with extended relatives.

My sons are also very different. The eldest lives 2 hours away and although we don't see them often - he was here overnight on Monday having brought his car up for a repair so that was a lovely surprise - if I message him or my DIL or GD they always respond within a few hours and we have a phone call every few weeks to catch up. The youngest lives in NZ and rarely responds to messages from any of us. I know how hard he works though so do understand the lack of communication to some extent and they have 2 small children so believe it's right he spends what time he can with them - he wasn't a lot better when he lived in the UK before the children though!

I think back to our own parents - mine lived round the corner and mum rang me nearly every day - I would call in on the way past for a cuppa and a chat or they would wander round here. My in-laws lived an hour away and we visited when we could but if we hadn't spoken in a couple of weeks my FIL would ring up and say to my husband your mum said I have to ring you We miss them now they're gone.

We raise our children to be independent adults then feel sad when we realise we've become surplus to requirements in some ways.

Thank you SO much for all your responses. Just to clarify...despite my advanced age, I'm still working full-time, in a challenging profession, so have plenty to think about! Especially as I also have to be there for my very elderly mother, who has been vicious and demanding of me all my life. I always had a particularly strong bond with my DS1, which is what makes his impersonal responses that much more sad. He still has not responded, so I have booked to visit my daughter, who lives abroad, later in the year instead. She at least is so excited that I'm coming to visit!