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tell me I'm not BU

(116 Posts)
JuliaSeizer44 Mon 16-Jul-18 06:52:15

Texted and asked my eldest son whether I could come to visit for a weekend -(we live 600 miles apart, and I am the one who always does the travelling). This was his reply :

That's probably ok, but I'll need to check with (wife) and I'm at work at the moment.

End of message. No further contact. No confirmation. Has happened like this many times over. Shall i just not bother any more? Feeling a bit sensitive as younger son was going to come to visit this week, but has pulled out. I am always sending home baking, gifts, and visiting. Be kind, please.

JuliaSeizer44 Mon 16-Jul-18 06:54:10

Should add that we all work full-time (I'm heading for 70), so working around times suitable for everyone is tricky. I'm just being stupid, I know.

OldMeg Mon 16-Jul-18 06:59:10

No, don’t be. That’s part for the course. He’s at work, might be unable to comment further and busy there and of course he needs to check with his wife.

Wait until you hear back about this befire getting offended.

OldMeg Mon 16-Jul-18 07:00:39

Scrub the last sentence,

Greenfinch Mon 16-Jul-18 07:06:03

Why don't you phone rather than text.You can then catch him when he is not at work.I can empathise as I have a son who is similar but he is very busy with work and family so I just have to keep persisting.

JuliaSeizer44 Mon 16-Jul-18 07:08:52

Well, actually, he's the only one in, voluntarily, because the company is closed for the holidays. OK. Please ignore my question everyone. I'll get it removed. I wasn't being offended just so disappointed that my sons never seem to want to see me, and I never say anything about it, just try to be positive.

MawBroon Mon 16-Jul-18 07:12:30

Well if he was at work he presumably wasn’t in a position to consult either his wife or the family calendar at the time.
Is your relationship with your DIL not such that you can ask her? In my experience it is usually the wife who both has a handle on what the family commitments are, what their plans are and as she presumably is in charge of the domestic arrangements, whether it is convenient.
600 miles away is a long way- was this a spontaneous visit?

absent Mon 16-Jul-18 07:15:50

Your sons probably think you will live forever so, for them. it is not a big deal if they don't see you this weekend or next weekend or whenever. Daughters tend to be a little bit sharper about this, although, they still think you will live forever. It's their nature – but I would guess they still love you lots.

BlueBelle Mon 16-Jul-18 07:33:53

Julie why are you wanting your post removed after only two replies Are you very easily offended?
I can totally understand where you are coming from and how disappointing it is for you I think it was more so because it came in top of younger son changing his visiting times but once our children have left home to start their own lives we have to accept second best and often third or fourth or fifth best They have to put their wives and children first You say it’s always you doing the travelling do you go to visit fairly often ?
I don’t think you are annoyed just very very disappointed Do you have a strong life outside your boys ?You sound on your own when days can be long but for a working man with a family or a young person starting out days can be very short and very busy and boys aren’t the best at keeping in touch ( generally)
Don’t disappear if your a bit lonely this forum can be a good place to come

DanniRae Mon 16-Jul-18 07:43:19

No advice but I think you need some flowers

Eglantine21 Mon 16-Jul-18 08:06:35

Was it this weekend you were wanting to visit? When did you send the text and how long have you been waiting for a reply?
I ask this because people work on different time frames. It’s not unusual in our family for a couple of days or more to elapse between texts. Text means not urgent, reply any time (or not sometimes!). Phone call if response is needed.

Also I am wondering a bit about the home baking. They’ve left home, you don’t still have to cook for them?

Do you think it’s maybe time to start building up a life that’s less child orientated? This isn’t a nasty comment. It’s a stage of life that most of us have had to embrace. I found that I was not Mum, or Wife or even Granny as a central figure, and had to rediscover ME, independently of my family.

NfkDumpling Mon 16-Jul-18 08:29:15

It’s easy to find yourself bending over backwards to keep on the right side of DC and then finding that you’re being taken for granted. Perhaps you could invite them to your house?

An abrupt text when DS is at work and busy isn’t unusual I would have thought but I would be piqued if he didn’t get back to me that evening and would ring the following evening.

harrigran Mon 16-Jul-18 08:32:58

DC do not talk to each other, if I need to get information about GC and childcare I send a message to DS and DIL in the hope that one will give me the information I need.
I find that the younger generation do not seem to plan ahead except for their much needed holidays grin

sodapop Mon 16-Jul-18 08:36:04

Texting like emails is not always satisfactory and easily misunderstood. NfkDumpling has good advice about a visit. I understand your disappointment but we have to accept we are no longer central to the lives of our adult children. Talk to your family don't be resentful.

Bellanonna Mon 16-Jul-18 09:45:29

How long has it been since you sent your text? His reply sounds perfectly ok to me. He would obviously have to check with his wife, but if there has been no reply, and a couple of days have gone by, he could have just forgotten. He was alone at work and presumably very busy. I would definitely now phone and hopefully you could speak to dil. Just be very friendly and ask if your proposed date (unless it’s gone) would be convenient. If not, arrange another one. I’m sure their lives are very hectic but hope you arrange something soon. Please let us know.

M0nica Mon 16-Jul-18 09:45:39

julia I feel you original post lacked detail. Your son's response was positive in that he is OK for you to come up, just needs to check.

The question that arises, is why is your son in work, voluntarily, when everyone else is on holiday. Is his company in trouble. Is he worried about the security of his job. It may be he has serious worries on his mind, other than when you come to stay. How often do you text him? Several times a day? Only to make arrangements? I fyou are constantly peppering him with texts, he may be replying with half a mind and not much else.

In his failure to do so, have you thought of contacting his wife - phone call or email, rather than text.

I am afraid too little information.

Luckygirl Mon 16-Jul-18 09:50:55

Please don't feel hurt. He was probably busy and just shot off an answer for the time being. Hope it turns out that you are able to visit. I get messages like that from my DC all the time. Fret not!!

JustALaugh Mon 16-Jul-18 09:55:45

If he was at work, I shouldn't think he had time to send a long reply. What's wrong with him having to ask his wife? Be glad you've got a nice relationship with your boys.

Rosieroe Mon 16-Jul-18 10:03:53

JuliaSeizer44 that could well have been a text from my DS word for word. My son will never confirm anything without checking with his wife so I always ask her if I want to know anything once I’ve texted him as she keeps the family diary. They may have something planned for that weekend and might be rearranging plans in order to welcome you. I would make that phone call and say you’re just checking if it suits before you plan your journey.

Bridgeit Mon 16-Jul-18 10:06:08

I wouldn’t say don’t bother any more, but I would say try to stop worrying .(I think it’s a generational thing)

If you don’t get a reply to confirm then obviously don’t go. Then leave it a couple of days & text to say could he perhaps let you know some future dates that would be convenient .
It’s hard to not feel hurt, but I genuinely believe that this seems to be the norm these days & they are oblivious to others feelings because they are so caught up in their own lives. Not an excuse, but definitely sadly a trend . Best wishes you are not alone ?

FlexibleFriend Mon 16-Jul-18 10:10:06

Try not to let it get to you, he's a man and he's at work, nuff said. I get on really well with my Ex, father to our kids and I sometimes send him really well thought out detailed info about them, cos let's face it they can't do it themselves. The standing joke is what I get in reply "Thanks for the information" What? Seriously we all laugh about it but he's obviously in the middle of something and that is one of the stock replies. At least your sons message was personal to you if a bit abrupt. It's a man thing.

shysal Mon 16-Jul-18 10:10:45

Maybe next time you contact them you could suggest staying at a nearby hotel or B&B. This would be less of a disruption for them and might be more acceptable. I hope you get to see them soon. I do sympathise but it is what many of us have to come to terms with.

frue Mon 16-Jul-18 10:48:21

Both of my children check with their partners before arranging my visits - and I hated anyone trying to make personal arrangements when I was at work. Text and e mail make it easy for people to respond when good time for them. Good luck - easy to feel on the edge but we encourage them to fly and be independent - and then they do..

luluaugust Mon 16-Jul-18 10:56:21

My AC also check with partners over arrangements everybody seems to have so many commitments with work and DGC now. I hope this isn't sexist? but in my experience making social arrangements works better if the women organise it and inform the men whats going on, they often seem quite happy to tag along but don't want to arrange it, so if there is a partner or DIL try that if not phone him.

JoyKF53 Mon 16-Jul-18 10:58:34

I would be feeling sensitive as well. I don't think our children fully understand what a huge wrench it is for us mums when we are made, in whichever way it's done, surplus to requirements. When they look at us what they see is the mum that was always an independent, strong woman - not the older, slightly more needy lady that we've become. They have their work, their spouses, their children and their friends and we become something that has to be fitted in. Even children with the very best intentions who dearly love their mums become oblivious to the sadness that we live with, empty nest syndrome. And there's nothing we can do about it.