Thank you tradition.

Alexa and others in the same quandary: In my husband's family, it has only been the custom to give birthday and Christmas presents to children until they reached their majority. Present giving to adult relations is confined to those who you actually see on their birthdays or at Christmas.

I admit I found this a very odd custom when we were newly married, but have come to see the good side of it.

I would simply stop giving presents to those who do not have the courtesy to say thank you for them, but you might want to consider the solution used in my husband's family. After all, a 21 year old grandson has legally been an adult for quite some time now.

And no, you are not being unreasonable to expect a thank you, either by phone, text message or e-mail.

Its fair to say my own kids have been brought up with manners,so thats why now they do encourage it in their own kids- often ive handed over a gift and then their parents come into room & ask if theyve said thank you but they always have already.

My action plan is if I don't get any kind of thank you, written, verbal, electronic or whatever for present No.1, I send the present No.2, Christmas or birthday. If after this present there is still no 'thank you', that's it. NOWT next time.

I was asked why I didn't sent presents to some and not to others, I replied I thought the ones I didn't send to anymore didn't like either of the two presents I had sent as they hadn't said thank for either one, so it was pointless me wasting my money. (What's not to like about a registered letter with money in??)

I dont know why a few are suggesting people have to stop giving presents to older kids/grandkids?- my family give me birthday/christmas presents so why should we stop giving them one for theirs?you would perhaps give a friend a gift maybe?-so why not family?to just stop giving a gift at all is just mean.with older ones i just give one gift or cap the cost as theyre no longer little kids but i couldnt not give anything!If moneys a problem give a book token or gift token or offer help in some way?- babysitting or gardening for your sons/daughters?-or a small gift for the home for whole family?Or whatevers appropriate for older grandkids?teach them to swim or knit or ride a bike or bake?all skills they will appreciate.small kids are happy with any small gift you can afford to give- its the thought that counts.

A couple of times my granddaughter didn't acknowledge a birthday card containing money. Next time I sent just the card and got a thanks for the card. I then sent the money and said I hadn't sent it before as I wasn't sure I still had the right address.
That worked fine and I now get a text or FB message of thanks.

It is all a question of manners which parents ought to be responsible for: we always were but nowadays that seems to have been forgotten about.

I sent money to my great-granddaughter for her birthday and for the 3rd time (2 birthdays and a Christmas) I didn't receive even an acknowledgement of it.
So I wrote saying how disappointed I was and she obviously didn't need the money in future.
I've neither heard from her or her mother since. In my opinion, their financial loss and my financial gain.

I eventually stopped sending to some of my grandkids, when they were old enough to say thank you or write/email/text. I told them if they can't be bothered to say thank you, then I can't be bothered to buy them a gift. I have an 11 year old GD who always writes and sends a thank you card, the other 2 don't even get a card, they are 19 and 23 years.

Never mind knocking presents on the head, I think I would knock him on the head if he yawned in my face.

If the grandkids ever forget my son or daughters always 'remind' them- but the older grandkids(20 &19) are old enough not to need reminding and usually i at least get a mumbled thank you.(its an older teen thing i think- like its slightly embaressing to use manners in this day& age of technology

I wouldn’t send money to anyone who didn't thank me, and at 21 I wouldn’t be giving gifts at all unless they were reciprocated. I’d expect the odd bouquet or bottle of fizz from him at least, it shouldn’t be all one way at that age.

My 3year old grandson is always saying thank you for eg his box of ice lollies or a gingerbread man it is lovely to hear and that he does not take everything for granted .Mind you this morning on the phone he has put in an shopping order for ice lollies and a gingerbread man when we look after him tomorrow .Who can't indulge!

I am afraid that it does seem that it happens a lot nowadays and not only with youngsters.
I once read that someone suggested sending a cheque but leaving it unsigned (after all we forget things as we are getting older) !
I am going to do this with a relative who did not say thank you .
Win -win situation.
The person will either have to contact you to say what you have done (or didn't do) or ignore it and you will save the money.
If you did see the person concerned and nothing was mentioned you could say that it hasn't appeared on your Bank Statement and wondered why it had not been paid in.
I suspect that you can only try this one out once though.

It is NOTHING to do with “how things are done nowadays”
Thank you is easier to say than ever before ...so long as the thankee does not insist on a two page letter in fountain pen on headed notepaper posted first class (which is what I had to do)

Time to knock giving him presents on the head then. He is 21 now and an adult. He should know what is and what is not acceptable behaviour.

Its a bit of a cliche but could you challenge yourself to be a bit more active in finding company?

Do a bit of volunteering....to take your mind off things.

Not easy I know. Somebody was unbelievably rude to me yesterday. Its not easy for sure.

Stella, a very good question "why continue?" I will have to look to my own motives.

Many thanks to everyone for your kind and well thought out advice and suggestions.

"he has shown himself unfriendly too often for me to be mistaken about his possible hostility or whatever it is"

It sounds pretty clear to me . He is routinely nasty to you. You're suggestion that "maybe he is shy" is a grandmother's way of glossing over his actual behaviours. I'm sure that by the time someone gets to 21, shyness would have been a known thing , not something you'd still be wondering about.

In your shoes I'd stop giving him things. He's at an age where it's normal to stop giving anyway - he isn't a child any longer and I'm pretty sure he doesn't give you anything so why continue ?

I would send a message saying hope you had a great day night or whatever and that you liked the present. See you soon etc Then you should get a reply saying thanks hopfully

If he doesn't say thank you, do not give him anything next time present giving time comes along. If someone gives you something, you acknowledge it, Anything else is bad manners.

Grandchildren whatever their ages are not exempted from the usual good manners we would expect from anyone else. My adult grandson also went through a stage ( short lived) of not thanking people. I told him in no uncertain terms that this was unacceptable. Our relationship has flourished after plain speaking.
Your love and kindness should be appreciated not treated with contempt.

I’m sorry, I think, on reading again, my last sentence sounds a bit harsh.
Please keep posting here on GN. It’s a great place to come when looking for advice or a friendly ear. I hope things resolve in a positive way for you very soon. ?

I don’t think you are being unreasonable to expect a thank you. It’s common courtesy, and, as JenniferEccles says, age shouldn’t come into it. He doesn’t sound particularly well mannered if he yawns in your face, too. I think you should tell him that that kind of thing (yawning in your face) is totally unacceptable. At the moment, he doesn’t sound very deserving of any gifts from you, and I’m inclined to agree with muffinthemoo. I’m afraid his intelligence doesn’t appear to extend to having respect for his grandma.

oh dear Alexa I think you have to hope he will return to you when he matures a bit more and I think I d cut your generosity back a bit too
Do talk to us on here about anything, it does help loneliness I m not that lonely but I am alone and I love talking to people on here, fills in many a moment

I am beginning to see that I should be more forthright and say immediately and calmly when some behaviour is unacceptable. I am a bit of a scaredy cat.