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AIBU

Thank you tradition.

(108 Posts)
Alexa Mon 16-Jul-18 11:58:42

AIBU to feel disappointed that my 21 yr old grandson did not and does not say thank you when he receives a present?

Alexa Mon 16-Jul-18 11:59:42

AIBU to expect 'thank you' when I give a present?

muffinthemoo Mon 16-Jul-18 12:02:26

Nope, either in person or a phonecall is reasonable.

mcem Mon 16-Jul-18 12:21:58

Happy to have a text with appropriate emojis !!

oldbatty Mon 16-Jul-18 12:23:22

ditch the passive aggressive stuff and tell him.

Alexa Mon 16-Jul-18 12:23:44

My 21 yr old grandson does not say thank you for presents unless (as I suspect) specifically privately advised by my son to do so. I must say I am mystified by this departure from tradition let alone kindness. I wonder have I done something that offended him, or what. I also wonder if this not saying thank you is a modern trend among young people.

Actually , having most usefully written this down I thought that I might just ask him in a good -natured way if not saying thank you is a fashionable trend among young people. But maybe not, as that could sound sarcastic. I do want to give him the benefit of the doubt. On the other hand it does him no favours if I encourage him to disrespect his granny.

Alexa Mon 16-Jul-18 12:26:15

Oldbatty I don't want to be passive aggressive. I think you are right for both our sakes. I just need to think of the right words .

Alexa Mon 16-Jul-18 12:27:26

mcem, any form of communication would be welcome.

MissAdventure Mon 16-Jul-18 12:27:45

I think its how things are, 'nowadays'.
It was a very big deal when I was young, to receive a present or money, but these days, not so much.
Plus we had my mum breathing down our necks to make sure we said thank you, which I think is less likely to happen now.

MawBroon Mon 16-Jul-18 12:30:09

“Darling (or whatever) I love giving you things, but never know if you like them as you never acknowledge or say thank you. If you would rather I didn’t bother that’s fine by me. Just tip me the word”
(And if you would rather it was money, just bear in mind grandma can’t afford all that much on a pension )

Bathsheba Mon 16-Jul-18 12:30:42

It really bewilders me that, in an age when communication has never been easier, saying thank you for a gift seems to have become harder and harder for some people to do confused.
No Alexa you are not being unreasonable. It is a simple courtesy that no 21 year old should need to be reminded of.

OldMeg Mon 16-Jul-18 12:49:53

Nice one Maw

Alexa Mon 16-Jul-18 13:09:32

Thanks Maw. It sometimes is actually money. I don't know him well enough to know what he needs or wants.

Bellanonna Mon 16-Jul-18 13:57:00

I like thst Maw
My 6 yo GD always writes me a note, usually with a picture (of me?) to say thank you. Well of course “always” hasn’t been fir too long, given her age. Before that mummy wrote the note and she signed it. Her 4 yo sister has started to do the same. I blame their parents!😄
GS lives close by and so thanks me in person.
I feel very strongly about these acknowledgements but I also know thst not saying thank you is not uncommon. There have been other, similar, threads on here about it. We used to write our Christmas Thank Yous on Boxing Day. A chore I used to hate but I made sure my own two always wrote a note, although later on it was a ‘phone call. I think you should try Maw’s strategy.

Brunette10 Mon 16-Jul-18 14:05:18

I am quite traditional when it comes to 'thank you's' and think no matter who it is or what you are giving it's only courtesy to say, text or whatever nowadays to say 'thank you'. I have given many presents to my DD's friends on marriage and new baby presents and I get quite annoyed if I don't get a thank you. What happened to manners these days? It costs nothing to be mannerly. I certainly hope my GC or DD remembers to say it no matter when they get.

oldbatty Mon 16-Jul-18 14:13:58

Alex, sorry if I sounded harsh. My mother never gave freely and sulked if the appropriate thanks was not given. This then continued with my sons. The pressure to be "grateful" exceeded any pleasure.

I wouldn't mess around. Just tell it as it is. The young man will probably apologise and all will be well.

oldbatty Mon 16-Jul-18 14:18:02

Maybe your gifts are an attempt to reach out and be friendly. Is it possible to meet him for a few beers[wink

Alexa Mon 16-Jul-18 15:28:01

oldbatty, you did not sound harsh to me and I like your advice. Unfortunately for me I lack confidence in my ability to say it like it is and not give offence and this is why I will tweak what Mawbroon suggested I say and say it if the opportunity arises.

I understand about passive aggression and it is good to be reminded about it.

As for me trying to reach out and be friendly, I am very lonely sometimes and long for the willing company of my grandchildren, perhaps especially this grandson as he has such a lively mind.

My gifts to him have no strings attached, as he has shown himself unfriendly too often for me to be mistaken about his possible hostility or whatever it is. It's still possible that he is shy or something and that makes him awkward, and that is what I'd like to believe. I do enjoy his company as what he is interested in interests me. However the feeling seems not to be returned. There isn't much point in going into details.

My son did once take us all out to a little Indian restaurant that we all like, and that was fine in every way. I never ever would have thought I could ask him out for a drink as I simply don't have that in my lifestyle. It's an entirely new idea which I will allow to simmer for a bit. Thanks!

Bridgeit Mon 16-Jul-18 15:37:43

Now that he is 21, it is surely a good time to stop giving gifts ( perhaps quietly save some money for him without him knowing)
To be blunt if he can’t be bothered ( arsed as they say) why should you . That’s not being horrible or nasty it’s just being realistic & saving yourself a lot of pain,I know how this feels & was pleased when I realised that it was me who was actually hurting myself. You can’t alter others behaviour but you can alter yours , good luck & best wishes

Alexa Mon 16-Jul-18 15:43:36

Bridget, it's not only the not saying thank you, it's also some minor petty aggressiveness, or let's call it rudeness,which it's too laborious to go into details about.
There is no chance that I 'm mistaken these incidents did happen. Its how to interpret them that worries me a little.

Caroline2016 Mon 16-Jul-18 15:43:42

I believe that it is the modern way not to say thank you , I call it just bad manners ,my late Mother in Law used to say if it is not worth being thanked for it was not worth buying, very true.

oldbatty Mon 16-Jul-18 17:21:15

Alexa, this stuff isnt easy is it. Its brave of you to say you are lonely.

What would you like?

Maybe meeting on neutral territory with an activity would help. I may be talking rubbish here but an Art Gallery or a walk.

Just an aside you mention his feelings. Massive generalisation but young men don't always do feelings terribly well.

One thing you could do for a laugh is research the latest twaddle, memes and music and slip a few into the conversation.

Bridgeit Mon 16-Jul-18 17:28:30

Trust your instincts Alexa, if he is showing aggression to you, you must tell the family.

gmelon Mon 16-Jul-18 17:33:51

Gifts should always be acknowledged and a thank you issued.
So you are not being unreasonable.

By the sound of it he is involved in just his own life and has no time or regard for your relationship when he was a child.
You mention he was fine at the family meal, Indian meal I think you said.
So he is able and willing to be friendly to you when you are in front of him but you aren't part of his immediate life any more.
Maybe that's the way busy young men are. Probably girls too.

I think it is a shame that families are like this sometimes and more so this generation.
Some adult grandchildren dismiss the past relationships once they grow up.

oldbatty Mon 16-Jul-18 17:42:32

oops sorry missed the mention of aggression. ignore my ramblings