AIBU to think they're spending too much?

Depending on your relationship with your son perhaps a quiet discussion about your concerns may be appropriate. Unless they are expecting you to contribute to the wedding costs or expect other financial support (eg. assistance with housing costs) due to the burdens of an expensive wedding it is their life, their decision and their responsibility to deal with the consequences. This guideline applies whether we think our adult children's decisions are good or bad.

What other people/posters/relatives etc did or did not spend on their respective weddings is simply irrelevant.

When my DS got married both sets of parents contributed a large sum to help out with the day and a very expensive honeymoon. When I later learned what the wedding had truly cost - about three times the parent's contributions - I was almost speechless. Luckily I remained speechless as to say anything would have caused upset, but it seemed like the worst kind of folly when they wanted a house and had nothing for a deposit.

My eldest son had a lovely day at a local hotel,i dont know exact cost,my DIL's parents were paying for actual meal,venue etc,but theyre not poor so could have been at least 2-3000,included evening buffet&wine,so i provided special champagne for toasts,DIL's parents also bought her dress,but it was a simple off white long style dress,and they paid for wedding car,&flowers,but my son and DIL are not well off and already had a home&3kids so they got grooms/attendants suit hire&wedding outfits for all 3children,and any extras forgotten about,i paid for them a night away for honeymoon night also,and bride&groom paid for a couple of extra days away too.(and that was an amazing day/night reception also for us all)they had a lovely time for about 60 guests,and my DIL is the type who likes nice things,but still managed it without breaking the bank.One of my own daughters is engaged but has a home &2children and her fiance works very long hours,(shes returned to uni as mature student)and they dont see that they will EVER be able to afford to get married!?

My younger son and his wife had a ‘cheap and cheerful ‘ wedding, but it was one of the sweetest and prettiest weddings I’ve ever attended.
DIL is very artistic, and decorated everything with pastel balloons and matching garden flowers. She made her own wedding cake, which was beautiful, and all the family shared cooking for the wedding breakfast.
The best thing about it was that everyone was so happy, and there was no ‘one-upmanship’.
I think that unless you’re very wealthy and can easily afford the expense, it’s best to have a modest celebration. It’s the love and commitment that matter, not the trimmings.

Conspicuous consumption is almost equivalent to bad taste these days.

However one's relatives are free so to indulge and better keep quiet about your personal opinion if it's likely to cause quarrels or bad feeling. Bad taste is not a hanging offence.

I got married in 1985 with a budget of £2000 from my mum. I made my own dress, arranged my own flowers and my mum made the cake which my friend decorated. The rest of the money went on the restaurant for the reception with a sit down meal. As my in laws paid for the wine and champagne we treated ourselves to a Rolls Royce for my trip to the church and our trip to the restaurant afterwards and gave my mum back some change.
My DS got married last year and we had a DIY wedding. I don't think even the couple know how much it cost as the relative who provided some of the funding wanted it to be a secret to avoid other cousins making assumptions for the future, but I contributed what I could afford saying if it wasn't needed for the actual wedding day, to use it for whatever they liked. It was so great to see everyone working together to make it a really lovely day. I sewed miles of bunting, and helped arrange lots of flowers while others helped with food and setting up the venue. I was pleased to see that my DiL bought a wedding dress that was ex display and therefore much cheaper, and sourced everything else very reasonably - a girl after my own heart.
It was a dream wedding, but not at a nightmare cost!
Also spending a week with my DiL's parents, preparing things together, means I really feel our two families have been joined together in lots of ways.

You'll Be wise to keep mum. If it was your daughter then you could say something but at the end of the day the bride sets the level of the wedding day and if she is the type that wants to have extravagance you will not help by giving advice. I agree it is a waste. My daughter was ever so cleverly frugal but my son’s wife wanted the 9 bridesmaids etc and nothing would stop her it was very important to her. Far beyond my influence. So keep out of it i’m Afraid.

Our eldest son and DiL married two years ago! I am so thankful that we weren't expected to contribute to the wedding and that DiL parents happily paid for it all. DiL is lovely though very spoilt with what she wants, she gets. Her parents who are also lovely are well off. I still gulped at the wedding cost of £20 k. That's with the wedding cake being made by mom who is a baker and the vintage cars being provided free by 2 other family members. The most expensive part was the 2 teepee's joined together for the reception at there's. The teepee's cos £6 k.

They had already bought a house with money inherited and because there is also a building trade business in the family they only had to provide materials. They are very blessed both of them. The afternoon tea reception and evening hog roast was another costly part. The dress was handmade however because of their contacts was not expensive. They didn't start out with major debt and just have their mortgage. They are very blessed.

Personally I would rather give that type of money towards practical things. Our only Daughter wouldn't want what our DiL and out son had and would rather have the money.
In their circumstances fair enough.

I wouldn't be saying anything though as it's none of my business to the op. It could cause problems and it isn't worth it

I blame the parents of these young parents, that'd be us then
I'm not sure why we should get the blame Iam64, as we all sound very sensible on GN
And aghast at young couples spending so much - then presumably moaning that they can't afford a house and it's all our fault!

Keep out of it

You may think it - but DON'T say anything! It's their choice. Keeping good relationships is important and sometimes young people have to learn the hard way. I too don't understand the need for a ginormous wedding but that seems to be the thing for many young people these days. Perhaps to prove something? Try to go with it and enjoy it.

Sorry muffinthemoo,im not clear,are you saying they made you spend MORE than you wanted to? 35 grand is a LOT of money- and as weve all said its the bride&grooms day,if theres something you dont want you shouldnt be made to have it,just same as if you do- im a firm believer in "you have to let them make their own mistakes"-BUT,it sounds like youre the sensible one,and didnt want all the trappings-the parents especially dont have much say if theyre not the ones footing a 35k bill! You poor girl,id have had to call it all off if it was my day and i hadnt a thing how i wanted it!- however,back to original post,yes if i had a good close relationship with my sons(which i myself am lucky to have) i would mention the pitfalls of starting married life in debt for just one day- id have said it when he 'jokingly' said he'd need more jobs- that might have been his way of saying he was worried about the cost without ACTUALLY saying it?some posh hotels do wedding packages for a lower cost than 'average' wedding cost- the bride might not want to hear it,but she surely wouldnt want her new marraige to fail soon because of money troubles either??Or to never see her new husband as hes always working?And how much is SHE contributing to this big wedding cost?The only ones paying a HUGE wedding bill these days is the royal family or other peers of the realm surely?.And even then,its the taxpayers who foot the bill!

My GD spent a grand total of £340 for her wedding. It was in a registry office which was beautifully decorated, there was a reception, food was a fish n chip van parked outside won in a competition, photography was won in a competition, and she got her dress from a charity shop, and it was stunning. Her biggest expense was the DJ.
The ten bridesmaids all wore different colours, & got to choose whatever they wanted to wear...it looked much nicer than if they had all been coordinating, and my gd just wanted everyone to be comfortable!
The best bit was that asked if anyone wanted to buy them anything or to give a gift, could they make the check out to the charity of their choice.
My GD said she always hated the idea of giving out a list to people telling them what they wanted, she said it felt rude to her, & she would rather be surprised and have the gift mean something.
Everyone paid for their own drinks, and were told we could bring our own food if we didn't fancy anything cooked and it was the nicest wedding I have ever been to. (Much nicer than even my own daughters wedding, who had spent a blooming fortune having everything posh and matching! lol) It was so relaxed, no worries about debt afterwards, and they had their honeymoon the year after when they had saved up.
It goes to show that you can have a beautiful wonderful wedding without going into debt for years on end. :-)

18 yearsago my son had a really big wedding at a lovely hotel in this country, followed by a dream honeymoon in Mexico. However, on their return he was straight on the phone to me ( I live 200 miles away from him )
Begging for a loan as he was unable to cover the cost of the honeymoon,probably because he had 'maxed out' on his credit cards. I did help him out and he did eventually returned the money, but as a couple they always overeached themselves financially and are now divorced. I can't advise one way or the other but this may give you food for thought!

I think it would be nice to hire a dress, have hair and makeup done, and have photos taken. Maybe with a life sized Action Man as the groom as I don't have a partner. Just nice to swan around like a princess for the day.

So many couples these days want an alternative wedding, without religion and at very exotic or grand locations, so times have changed a lot. I have friends who have paid for very expensive weddings, then a couple of years later it’s all ended in divorce. My daughter opted for Central Park in New York, then we all travelled up to the Lake District for my eldest son, now my middle son is just in the planning stage. They all ask my opinion, but once it’s given I stand back and let them decide. I think a lot of us are just so practically minded that we just keep thinking what else could be bought with all that money !

muffinthemoo, it doesn't sound like your marriage got off to a good start . I hope it's improved.

dil scoured E bay when my son and her were married, lots of bargains to be had (only used once !) ie cufflinks for groom and father and best man etc may be worth sugesting a look x

DH actually walked out of our house to stay at his mothers for days because I told him it was unreasonable that HE should choose my wedding dress.

Is a groomzilla a thing?

Personally, as more couples end up divorcing and either re-marrying or co-habiting, I think it's an utter waste of money. 24 hrs, a white virginial dress (lol) and a day which is more for show than any meaningful promises.
It's even more ridiculous if neither bride nor groom were/are regular ( or even irregular) attendees of the church.
Marriages nowadays are more about the legalities than anything else.
I laugh when I see brides shrouded in white, surrounded by his and her children, begotten years prior to their wedding and even acting as bridesmaids/pages. There are often arguments before during and after the event and fights are not unknown even in the best of circles.
A 24 hour pantomime.

I had 2 weddings - the first in a side chapel at Westminster Cathedral, where my ex had helped out and the second at Kendal Register Office. I knitted my first wedding dress/cap and my godmother threaded 96 yards of baby ribbon through holes. We had about 12 guests and the whole thing, including a night for my mother in a central London hotel and the reception cost less than £500. The second my MIL made my dress and the bridesmaids' dresses as well as the cake. I bought a cheap summer floppy brimmed hat (as I remember about £20), my FIL who lived in the Netherlands did the flowers and acted as chauffeur. A family friend with a local favourite restaurant did the reception at cost (I suspect actually less than cost!) for 12 guests and we went to FIL's flat just outside Amsterdam for a 5-day honeymoon. In short, two weddings costing less than £1200, including DH2's wedding suit, made to order and he wore it for the next 8 years for work and other special occasions. So not necessary to pay much, even now.

One factor some couples take into account is that the more guests, the more presents, and most gifts are money these days! It seems very mercenary, but I think the average gift is about £100, and many people give more. Obviously the reception costs are per head, but lots of the other costs are the same whether small or big wedding- dress, flowers, music, honeymoon. I actually heard that if you have enough guests you can break even, or make a profit?

If arrangements/bookings are at an early enough stage that they can easily amend their plans without feeling they are losing face to friends and family I would be inclined to try to have a tactful chat about the cost. You could maybe try something like picking one particular item they've mentioned that wouldn't be too sensitive ( eg the cars but not the dress?). You could say you hadn't realised how expensive this item was these days and it made you think about the total cost and whether you could help them more financially. You realised , however, your budget wouldn't allow that, so you wondered instead whether you could spend some time helping them to source options for some items that might be cheaper as you know they have limited time to do this since they are both working.... You could maybe also say you don't think family would be offended if it was a slightly smaller wedding and they're not all invited ( assuming invitations not out yet)...
If it's presented as an offer of help, they hopefully wouldn't be offended and if they seem unwilling to consider simplifying things, at least you've tried and you can just not say any more about the cost and help them with their plans.
I hope it's a great day for everyone when it comes.

My first was married abroad, we offered to pay for for part of the holiday and reception. Including our travel and weeks holiday in came in at around £4000. I suppose the whole thing may have cost around £10000. The next one was a simple wedding here. we contributed £3000 for the reception and bought the dress for an exorbitant £3000 (it was worth it. I had such a wonderful time helping choosing the dress. We made it a real ladies mission the most important female relatives came to all the viewings. The whole thing came in at less than £10000. The last one was very elaborate and as I listened to my son talk about the increasing cost I took him to one side and said we’ll contribute £5000 anything over that is up to you and our DiL parents. He was more than happy with that. I believe it came in at around £25,000. None of our three asked for a contribution but we felt that we wanted to help with the costs. Our own wedding probably cost less than £150. As long as your not being asked for money I’d leave it up to them. I love weddings and have the most wonderful memories of my children’s weddings. I wish the same for you. Enjoy

My DH has a theory: the more lavish the wedding, the shorter the marriage. Not a lot of help, sorry! Obv joking, but we are both appalled at the amounts some people are prepared to spend for one day of their lives. If £30k is an 'average' spend, then people who spend those amounts must either be seriously wealthy or daft. The money could be saved for a deposit or furnishings for their home. The wedding industry is huge these days, with stag/hen parties to match: someone is making a mint out of it!

We had no stag/hen stuff back in '73 when we got married. Registry office, reception at home with food prepared by my mother and brothers...wedding dress made by my mother....my posy was flowers from the garden...our wedding rings cost £4.25 each (the most basic gold bands ever!) Our daughters don't 'do' weddings or marriage so it won't be an issue for us.
Totally agree with sodapop that the emphasis seems to be on one day in a couple's lives. Counter-productive, and sad.