AIBU to think they're spending too much?

When my daughter got married in 2009, they went for a big event, as all their friends did. I felt it was too much as well, and I have to admit to protesting at the start. But I soon realised that I could spoil it for them, and for myself, by grumbling along with it all, and decided to go with whatever they wanted to do. It was their wedding, and it was important that they could celebrate it in the way they wanted. The funding was mainly their responsibility, and they carried it off.
I had some magical times, going to choose the dress, helping with some of the decorations, an emergency dash to find some wedding wellies when snow was threatened, and the event itself was just brilliant. I have the photos to remember it by, and I'm so pleased I stopped grumping!
Even more pleased as my son died about a year later, and we had that magical time together as a memory to cherish.
I hope you find a way of managing it all.

Unless you are meeting all expenses ,in my day!! parents just paid for the reception, say nothing.

Yes my niece had a big costly wedding and asked as wedding gifts for people to contribute money towards the cost of her new kitchen. Just can't understand it.

Sadly just had this situation where a small informal do turned into a bridezillas fest! We did help with cash gift to help the debts afterwards but they've spent on something frivolous so we are bowing out and will see what happens. My dil thinks she's KK and needs that lifestyle and ds is paying but he's a grown up and if he can't see it himself I'm not going to cause an argument by telling him (our whole family can see it)

Actually I’d quite like to get married again and have the wonderful dress and the stuning venue and the party and the presents. Especially the wonderful dress.

I don’t want to BE married, you understand, just have a nice time planning it all and seeing how many different ideas I could come up with.

I think I’m a bit bored.

Seriously OP, don’t say a thing. Don’t even frown a little. Not if you want any kind of relationship from here on in!

I don't think there is much you can do. What do the other parents think? It seems to me that there is now more thought and planning going into the 'big day' than to the actual marriage, but then I'm just old fashioned.

it is ridiculous but if you say anything it will only come back on you trouble is these days people are under such media social and peer pressure

It is the choice of the young couple. My experience is it isn't only the young women who want the huge lavish do, its the couple. It's the "thing" currently to have two stag/hen does, that is one in the UK and one in a Med resort followed by a huge wedding, expensive honeymoon etc . The baby comes within a couple of years, similar parties arranged, including baby showers, naming/Christening ceremonies. I blame the parents of these young parents, that'd be us then.

Like so many previous posters here - I'm not a fan of big weddings, never had one, never wanted one. We were married at the local registry office and had a party at home afterwards. Very happy day, no formal photographs but lots of informal snaps of people chatting, eating, drinking, babies asleep in the corner etc. That's my kind of party but it wouldn't do for everyone.

Both mine had really beautiful weddings but on a strict budget. I absolutely cannot understand this trend toward lavish and OTT weddings. It smacks of little girls wanting to be princesses.

But it’s their choice.

The other thing is how much guests pay to attend a wedding. I saw a figure recently of it costing over £1,000 a wedding: The essential new outfit (regardless of how many weddings you go to), hen/stag nights, hotels, presents and other extras,

I went to my niece's wedding recently. Wore a dress I already had, bought new shoes in M&S for £30, Handbag in a charity shop for £4. We did spend 2 nights in a Premier Inn and we did push the boat out on the present as we supplied all the champagne for the toasts. We can buy it cheaper in France. But still way short of £1,000.

I know what marriages are for but I don't know what show -offy weddings are for.

Subject to the number of guests, £30k does not seem unreasonable
Spending more than an average annual UK salary on a wedding seems very unreasonable to me
Of course, it is relative to what the couple and anyone else contributing earn.

(is that the first time I have disagreed with you grumppa?)

My friend married last year for about 600 pounds, I think she said.
Register office, then all to a nice carvery where we paid for ourselves.
It really was such a lovely, relaxing day.

DD civil wedding and reception twelve years ago: between 90 and 100 guests; groom paid for actual ceremony and music throughout, groo's paid for champagne forgone toast; bride's M and D paid for everything else. Total cost to us £18,000. Wonderful day, worth every penny.

Our own wedding had been a much smaller affair because that was what we had wanted back in the seventies.

Subject to the number of guests, £30k does not seem unreasonable provided it is affordable, and that should mean that nobody gets into debt or misses out on priorities such as a decent home because of it.

To the OP, no you are not being unreasonable, but keep your thoughts in your head, it would be a big mistake to say anything.

I don't think you should say anything. It really does have to be there decision and all you can do is be there if they need you! So hard to watch but necessary once children grow up.

I don't think it's worth getting into serious debt for just one day. What is your relationship with your son and his fiancee like? If it is good, next time he mentions maxing out on debit/credit cards, I suppose you could pleasantly ask if there aren't a few economies to be made.

I hope your son and his fiancee have a happy life together.

In my humble opinion, when do children ever take advice from their parents. We don't know anything, we're old, out of touch, etc etc. I would leave them to it. Save yourself the bother of disagreements. But dont bail them out when they realise what they've done. They will always do things their own way. Sometimes they will find out you were right and you can just smile. Because they wont say "You were right". IMHO.

When I was 8 I decided that if I ever got married I could imagine nothing worse than a big white wedding,

So it was a church wedding with 25 guests, a sit down meal at the local pub with a function room and we honeymooned at our flat. What else can you do if you get married in February? We went to Yugoslavia (I think the bit we went to is now Croatia) in the summer on a package tour.

I'm very fortunate in that none of my children had, or wanted, extravagant weddings, but I guess it's a decision only the bride and groom can make. Hard to simply stand by and see financial disaster unfold though.

We had a traditional white wedding ,in church with 100 guests at a local hotel,3 course meals with two choices for each course and a great band ....all chosen by our parents

.WE wanted to get married in a registry office ,my Dad said we'd be as well getting a dog license ,his dad said a PROTESTANT church ...any other kind and he wouldn't come ( I was raised catholic) It didn't do us any harm at all to let them all have the wedding they wanted ..we just wanted to get married
.And we are still married, 43 years last weekend and had our annual visit to the altar where we exchanged our vows .....Oh the parents paid for it all so thats why it was their choices apart from the dress and colour scheme .As someone said its just one day in a life .

I did not want to get married but knew mum would be so upset if we did not. I bought the only dress I tried on and left arrangements for guests/venue/ food to mum. I chose my flowers and our 1 night honeymoon in a pub by the river. We went through with church ceremony, smiled politely at reception in a local country pub back room and continued as b4! 47 yrs ago in August.

We married at a registry office in 1963, and the reception was for about 2 dozen people in the front room of the house we were renting, sandwiches, cakes and cups of tea. After the ceremony, the registrar leaned over the desk to shake hands, saying "Congratulations, that`ll be 7/6 please", talk about killing romance!
The honeymoon was a week in his mum and dad`s caravan just outside Blackpool.

I cannot stand these ridiculously overpriced weddings but hey ho it’s not me getting into debt for a one days lavish event, well not even one day
I really admire couples who do it on a small budget and use the money for more necessary things

The most enjoyable weddings I remember attending and with the strongest marriages that followed, were all those done without show or extravagance. The wedding is an irrelevance. It is the marriage that counts.