AIBU to think they're spending too much?

Just on a lighter note, I stated in an earlier post in this thread that I have never enjoyed any wedding. However, thinking back there is just one I enjoyed immensely. That was in 1969 when attitudes to marriage were somewhat different.

A very good workmate of mine and his girl had saved up the deposit on a house and were waiting for it to be built when there became "an urgent need to get rings on her and his fingers".

The deposit on the house had taken all their money and both sets of parents were in no position to contribute anything substantial whatsoever. Therefore, they settled on a "normal clothes" registry office wedding and the landlord at the Grooms local pub agreed that if they could guarantee at least eighty attending he would close of the Lounge bar for the exclusive use of wedding quests free of charge.

No food or drink was laid on and everyone attending paid personally for all they consumed. It seemed that many of the quests came from the companies that Groom and Bride worked at, and entertainment was by way of a truck driver who had experience of being a busker in the past.

However, what a wonderful afternoon and evening that event turned out to be. A small set of drums were found to accompany the truck driver on the guitar and mouth organ and the bride's father after a few beers joined in by playing the spoons. Numerous guests got up after downing sufficient beverage to sing as best they could while we all jived away between the tables to anything that even slightly resembled music. There were some hilarious non-rehearsed speeches none of which could ever be repeated or in most cases remembered.

We all rolled out of there at normal closing time for the pub (10:30 pm) with everyone saying what a great day it had been. Until her death last year they remained together for 46 years having had two daughters and a son

Very different times with very different attitudes.

I've never been one for fancy weddings. Mine was very cheap 48 years ago and DD's was very cheap 21 years ago. Having said that, when a dear young friend got married after being diagnosed with cancer for the fourth time I was so pleased that she had the lavish wedding she wanted and the honeymoon in LA.

Jalima ...my therapist said to me after all was said and done, “no wonder you had a relapse”

I will refrain from telling the whole saga, but young people - learn from my mistakes!! Luckily we already had a small but nice home of our own. Still, pumping out that sum of money just puts you as a couple right behind the eight ball at the very start of your marriage.

I would feel less cut up about the whole thing if it hadn’t involved so much family grief and strife. The bill is long since settled but the hurt feelings remain.

My heartfelt advice to all couples regardless of age, wealth or station: spend as little as you can get away with!!

When I married in the 1960s it cost whatever a register office cost then, the ring, a nice new outfit, and a posh dinner for seven people in the evening.

Nobody I knew had stag or hen nights then. I don’t understand those at all. What are they for?

As long as they’re not asking you to contribute or bail them out later it’s really not your business. If you say something is it really going to make them sit up and think ‘we need to cut down’? I doubt it. If your son was dropping a hint you need to become selectively deaf. Just be happy for them and enjoy the day.

we ended up with a 35 grand bill (neither set of parents contributed a brown penny)
muffin, please come and scrape me up off the floor

I don't understand the massive wedding thing either Grannyknot and it is frightening granschemeofthings.
Are they already buying a house together - if not all that £30k says to me is 'savings towards a deposit'!!
Then there is the stag do, the hen do - not a few drinks at the pub these days but an expensive trip abroad in many cases.

Thank goodness my DC did not go down that route - they had lovely and memorable weddings at reasonable cost and one hasn't gone down that route at all.

However, it is best to say nothing and hope that they come to their senses before they end up taking out a bank loan for it as well granschemeofthings

I can understand your worrying, granschemeofthings, but I think you have to keep your own counsel. Tempers do get very frayed when weddings are being organised and you really don't want to fall out over this. We've run the gamut in our family, from a huge castle wedding to a city hall ceremony, just the bride and groom and two witnesses. They were all just what the couple wanted, and this is what matters. We gave each of our DC the same wedding fund, and left it entirely up to them whether they wanted to add to it for a spectacular day, or spend it on something else. Then we backed right off! apart from spending countless hours sourcing vintage china/vases/dresses/photo frames and making miles of bunting, of course

If you're not paying for the bulk of the wedding it's not your decision. They are the ones who have to deal with it.

No don't say anything as it's their choice as adults what they spend.

Please be careful before you voice your concerns.I did this last year with my son and his wife, they took it that i was critising and our relationship has totally broken down.I have seen my grand daughter three times only since this happened (all very strained) she use to come stay with me during the shcool holidays and weekends that is all stopped now,it breaks my heart. My son will respond if i text or message him but doesnt contact me otherwise. Please take care, i totally understand how you are feeling about debt etc but think carefully. We have to bite our lips sometimes as i have learned to my cost.

If you need to ask the question on here I think the answer is not to say a word.

When DS was planning their wedding I suggested to him that they spent money on things they would remember and which would feature in the photos rather on things which would be forgotten straight afterwards. The cars were provided by two people who had Range Rover Evoques and I did the ribbons for them. No one cares about the cars. The cake was expensive and beautiful. There were no favours on the table, who remembers favours? They wanted a sweet table so we did it ourselves and I bought glass things in charity shops to display the home made sweets. Very few were eaten. No other add ons but they had an expensive band which was fine as they and most of their guests are very musical.

We went to a wedding a few weeks ago where they had all the add-ons, photo booth, sweet trolley, 3 different favours for each person, little hearts each person signed and put in glass cases and probably more I didn't notice. Our cheque has been cashed but we haven't had a thank you. Imo they should have spent their time sorting out who was going to toast whom in the speeches because I don't know how many times we toasted all and sundry! However, if they are happy it is up to them.

DS and DIL had a very lavish wedding, we were not asked to contribute and I never asked about the cost but I suspect it would have amounted to a deposit for a house. Thankfully they had already bought a house.
I was married in the 60s and the reception cost £72

Depends on how good your relationship with them is. I think I would have to sound a warning note in this case. It all seems to be getting competitive, the whole wedding,hen and stag weekends, getting married abroad etc. The emphasis seems to be the wedding and not the marriage. I mean in general terms not your son jools

I wanted a very small affair or perhaps a short trip away.

Mum and MIL behaved so catastrophically poorly, and DH in response tightened the thumbscrews on me so badly, that we ended up with a 35 grand bill (neither set of parents contributed a brown penny) and I had a major depressive episode and was off work for months before hand.

I’d say it was a lovely day, but the harridans did their best to wreck it and I remember very little anyway, being heavily medicated to get through the day.

DH got what he wanted though, which was to suck up to his mummy. I mean, we have to focus on what’s really important, right?

(yes. I remain sore at heart about this. It was a fantastic amount of money and I was terribly unwell and treated abysmally by those who were supposed to care about me. If not for my little ones, I wish I had walked away from the whole thing and started my life over.)

Thanks for the responses. I think it's his fiancee who is pushing for the more extravagant details but my son's certainly not asking her to rein it in either. I don't want them not to have a wonderful day - I just worry that they'll come to regret this and might get themselves into trouble as a result. And troubled finances put such a strain on marriages. I want them to be happy.

My son is getting married next year and their wedding is costing around 12 grand which is more than enough. We had the discussion ages ago that it's the marriage that's important and the wedding is just the trimmings so to speak. We've talked about the best ways to keep the costs down and they're saving for it rather than doing it on credit. They know what they're doing and what they can afford they're grown adults with good jobs but like me not too bothered by what others think. Also my son has already seen a few of his friends marriages end in divorce.

I wouldn’t say anything. It’s their money and their wedding. Everyone has their own spending priorities and this is clearly theirs.

My son and DIL already had a house, and strictly speaking they could afford the wedding, but I still think it’s a massive waste of money that could be better spent.

They have been happily married for ten years now, with two gorgeous children.

I cannot stand weddings and I did not even enjoy my own. However I am still married to that wonderful girl fifty years later.

Our wedding cost two hundred and twenty pounds in 1968 and that was a white wedding in a church. However, I would not know how much the equivalent cost of that would be today.

Surely marriage is thinking about the rest of both those peoples lives, not about one day.

They know how much they are spending so do not need it pointing out to them. Personally I think it is a waste of money for one day but it is not my wedding.

LV = Las Vegas, I'd guess.

If my DS was doing this, and he gave me an opportunity by commenting about his bills, I'd ask if the wedding needed to be quite so expensive.
If my comment wasn't well received, tho, I'd shut up about it after that.

It might be his fiancée who wants a big, expensive wedding and DS is going along with it.
If so, I don't think you'd get very far with any comments.

LV? Latvia?

A significant number of marriages fail after the BIG wedding as a result of the pressure of the overhanging bills.

I would say something, but think carefully before you say it.

We went to a wedding a fortnight ago. It did not cost anything like £30,000. The couple were slightly older than average. They bought the house first, Then had a traditional wedding. Church service and reception in the adjoining church hall, There was a sit down reception for 90, a salad followed by a cold dessert. The bride wore a simple long dress in a pale colour from a High Street chain and flowers in her hair. It was a lovely happy family event and surely that is what a wedding ought to be.

I am suspicious of this £30,000 average, I think the source is usually a self-selected survey by a bridal magazine, which those spending a lot reply to and those spending a lot less do not.