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AIBU

To find preache "friend" annoying?

(129 Posts)
Luckygirl Wed 01-Aug-18 08:55:16

W e know a couple - he a doctor and she a vicar - whom we have known for many many years as we were both around in the local hospital during the house job years. We all continued to live in the area, but very rarely see anything of them now - we did when we lived nearer.

I have always found them mildly irritating in that they are somewhat condescending and self-absorbed. They see themselves as the golden couple and pillars of the community,

Two year ago we moved to our bungalow which is 2 minutes from their home. We have not seen them once in that time; they know life is difficult with my mobility and OH's PD. On the rare occasions we bump into each other they never ask after OH, which seems a bit odd.

So....there is a large and truly wonderful classical music festival going on in the nearest city this week and I have been top many concerts and am loving it.

I bumped into them there the other day - they said hello and chatted a bit - no how are you or how is OH? Fine. But then we came to a statue of a man stretching his arms into the air, and wife said: "I love this statue - it is wonderful. It just goes to show that whatever our circumstances we can reach up and achieve whatever we want to.....etc. " - all in this b****y preachy voice.

I had just left my OH in a bit of a pickle - anxious, shaky, needing help to pull up his trousers in the loo etc. etc., and I just thought "Oh F off! - you have no idea what our lives are like - how dare you preach to me!"

Am I just a miserable cow, or would this get up your wick as well?! So patronising!

PECS Fri 03-Aug-18 20:21:38

codfather Butpeople will have different thresholds of a "specific reason to challenge" and this occasion was obviously one !

codfather Fri 03-Aug-18 19:58:47

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, you don't have to make it yours! I would have let it brush over me! From time to time, I hear opinions I don't agree with but just ignore them unless there is a specific reason to challenge them.

As they're not part of your everyday life, what does it matter what they think? Walk away!

Day6 Fri 03-Aug-18 14:38:55

Stansgran, two of my closest friends are Christians quietly active in the community. They give up time and effort and seek no reward, praise or attention. We mustn't forget that, and I like to think most actively religious people are exactly the same.

Day6 Fri 03-Aug-18 14:34:09

Thank you Apricity and gillybob.

I hate fallings out and do tend to bite my lip rather than cause a row. They did send me a gorgeous bouquet (arrived yesterday) and thanked us for a lovely stay. I was surprised. I just wish they - and she in particular - could a) appreciate how lucky they are, and b) suffer (ahem) in silence when visiting. We know her complete medical history and I expect it will be repeated to us when we see them again! That won't be for a while, thankfully!

Some people can exist in their own selfish bubble, seemingly unaware of others, and I find that so strange, and rude.

Day6 Fri 03-Aug-18 14:27:50

Exactly grannyactivist. So many people live in constant pain or with disabilities which prevent them living full lives. The fact that she didn't enquire after my health, at all, speaks volumes, yet at every opportunity we had to hear how she 'suffers' - when she patently doesn't. I am probably one of life's stoics - and I mean that without blowing my own trumpet. If I can do it, I will and just get on with it. I suspect most of us do our best. Some people seem to need attention and thrive on others running around them...this relative for sure!

Stansgran Fri 03-Aug-18 13:57:40

I volunteer at a place of religion and in my opinion judging from fellow volunteers true Christianity seems to be worn lightly and quietly.

Stansgran Fri 03-Aug-18 13:55:34

I've just had to log in simply to say Bloody hell gillybob Stupid iPad insists I log in every time I look at gransnet so I avoid posting.i do hope you you forwarded the pm to hq

grannyactivist Fri 03-Aug-18 13:21:18

Day6 - I understand your frustration. I know so many people with disabilities, some of them 'hidden disabilities', who just get on as best they can. Yet others, with considerably lesser problems, hog the limelight with their tales of woe. There's a wicked part of me that would be inclined to tell your relative that in view of her disabilities she would be better off staying in a hotel next time. wink

labazs Fri 03-Aug-18 09:47:43

hate people like this but you know what they say they dont know what its like until they have been in your shoes one day they might god forbid know what the hell people go thru everyday and might not be so self rightous

gillybob Fri 03-Aug-18 07:33:08

Your visitors sound like the “visitors from hell” Day6 and you must be a modern day saint for putting up with them. I really can’t bear people like those you describe who don’t bloomin well realise how damned lucky they are so they have to make up or exaggerate illnesses and woes to make you fell sorry for them. Of course you won’t get an ounce of sympathy in return, oh no... your doing just fine and dandy aren’t you? Horrible people.

Apricity Fri 03-Aug-18 02:47:50

Day6 your ghastly relatives sound like a parody of self absorbed visitors from hell in a sitcom. Why on earth would you bother to host them? Perhaps never again? You sound like a hardworking thoughtful host, albeit very, very unappreciated or valued. Hope you have much nicer guests next time. 🌺

Jalima1108 Thu 02-Aug-18 22:36:53

Certainly not Christian in any meaningful way.

Luckygirl Thu 02-Aug-18 20:49:03

ga - how sickening. I think you were brave to waste precious breath in conversation with this person. Lovely that the cafe owner stuck up for them all.

I have nothing against vicars - some of my best friends fit that category - but some get into preach mode and simply do not know how to disengage from it.

alchemilla Thu 02-Aug-18 20:38:55

OP I'd certainly make a point of asking your "vicar" what help is available from the congregation or any organisations her church supports to help people like you and esp your husband. Someone to sit with him while you have your musical break or help drive you both to a concert?

I'm aghast at her lack of empathy. A shame, since many people I've known working their socks off to keep a community together and help (without preaching) are vicars or religious - and have helped by visiting various relatives of mine just to chat/make tea/make sure they're ok.

Put her on her toes.

Day6 Thu 02-Aug-18 19:47:34

Apologies, intended to add that this relative is also church-goer too... and sees her life as a 'cross to bear' ......pfffft! She has the biggest snobbish 'not in my back yard' attitude of anyone I have ever known.

Day6 Thu 02-Aug-18 19:43:40

Luckygirl - yes I know how you feel and ell done for biting your lip.

I have just entertained relatives and she believes, despite their wealth, fabulous life-style etc and her obvious ability to move hen she wants to, that she is the sickest person on the planet. Her husband waits on her hand and foot and she doesn't lift a finger. Given I know so many truly disabled people, she claims to be disabled. Like many, she has a bad back and is not under the hospital but seems to love people dancing to attendance. Along with OH I spent the fortnight before their arrival getting the house and garden looking spick and span (in the heatwave) and did all the laundry and cooked in advance. I went to bed early every night from exhaustion and OH was aware ho entertaining takes its toll - but if I have visitors I like things to be just so.

Not once over the long weekend did she ask after my health (I rattle with prescription pills and have chronic complaints and auto-immune problems) but we listened to long monologues about her suffering and she'd end them with a squinty, patronising smile that I was sooooo lucky that I didn't suffer as she did. When I tried to tell her I had to see a consultant next week you could see her eyes glaze over. No enquiries. Even her husband seemed to collude in the stories of her being disabled. OH and I really had to bite our tongues.

She drives her brand new (unmodified) car around, is a jet setter so she travels the world and suffers airports quite easily and has cleaners and caterers for when she entertains. And he has a gardener.

No sour grapes on our behalf but a fervent wish that she'd someday appreciate others more, ask after others, not be so self-absorbed and understand that others don't have it as easy as she does. "Disabled" my arse! (That made me so cross!)

PECS Thu 02-Aug-18 19:25:22

Oh dear Grannyactivist it does shake you u when you come face to face with people for whom life is so 'black & white' and who are so unwilling to even listen to your reasoned point of view. I hope telling GN about it has helped to disperse the feelings of upset...so many people pick and choose which bits of their 'faith' they live by and certainly humility, I find, is not a strong feature! Hope you are feeling OK. It takes courage to call people out in public. flowers

GillT57 Thu 02-Aug-18 18:38:24

How dreadful grannyactivist and well done on confronting the ghastly person. What confuses me about this thread is how one knows that somebody is a Christian? Other than something obvious like meeting them in church or in another religious situation. I feel uncomfortable with people who consider it necessary to preface anything with "as a Christian". To be honest, unless I am inviting a person to dinner and need to be advised of religious dietary rules such as no pork/no mixing milk and meat, their religious beliefs are of no concern or interest to me.

grannyactivist Thu 02-Aug-18 18:02:27

Sorry, long post.
I don't mean to hijack the thread, but I've just been in a similar situation that left me shaking with anger - a very rare event for me.
I meet my homeless clients in a cafe that was set up by local churches. This afternoon I went to meet one of my clients and two others were sitting, inoffensively, on a bench outside. I was in conversation with the manager when a cafe customer came and paid his bill and told her that, 'The homeless man on the bench has been in twice to use your toilet, I thought you should know so you can stop it". She told him that she already knew and the cafe has a Christian ethos where all are welcome - and especially homeless and vulnerable people. His reply was that it was a different kind of Christianity from his - he would soon put a stop to it as homeless people, and I quote; "are a complete waste of air".
I am not one to court confrontation, but I asked him if he knew the people in question or anything about them and he said he knew they were "homeless losers" who deserve nothing! After we had a rather heated exchange of views he stomped off saying he was entitled to his opinion, which was that he "would get rid of them all". I think he was referring to a 'final solution'.
I honestly cannot recall when I've met someone so lacking in any shred of compassion. I badly wanted to tell him that one of the men he thought was homeless is actually not, but is a learning disabled man who almost became homeless himself and now befriends street-homeless people out of his own strong sense of empathy.
I keep thinking of all the things I could/should have said, but actually I do know that I would have been wasting my breath.
Thank you for listening, The Wonderful Man who usually puts up with my 'chuntering' is away and I know if I don't tell someone about it it'll just keep nagging away at me.

Jalima1108 Thu 02-Aug-18 16:21:12

I've been with some wonderful Christians today - not a bit sanctimonious and truly good people.
There are many around, but it is the smug, virtue signalling prigs who give others a bad name.

Rosina Thu 02-Aug-18 16:12:39

I have known some wonderful Christians who quietly live a decent life and look outward to see what they can do for others; I have also come across some absolutely obnoxious religious prigs who think they are better than everyone else. It's just people isn't it? The absolutely obnoxious pair were always in church, always declaiming the bible and smiling sanctimoniously, and when their daughter became pregnant at about seventeen they disowned her. Jesus wept.
This couple will no doubt run out of people to whom they can demonstrate their perfection.

SparklyGrandma Thu 02-Aug-18 14:51:04

Luckygirl and your situation doesn’t need preachy or condescending attitudes by people.

I have a friend who begins almost every social encounter by asking people, anyone, if they would want to come to her church’s services and lists them,

Even if you have your own church that she knows you frequent.

She can’t see that it’s patronising, and that some avoid her.

Lilyflower Thu 02-Aug-18 14:32:45

Sanctimony still reigns supreme. It used to be called 'cant' (a fabulous word IMHO) and is now 'virtue signalling.'

Here's to the humble sinners, weak willed, the venal and the frail. To human beings in other words.

Barmeyoldbat Thu 02-Aug-18 13:01:27

My sister is exactly this woman and after putting up with her and getting upset I thought if she wasn't my sister would I be friends with her or speak to her? The answer is no so I don't.

SueDoku Thu 02-Aug-18 12:11:41

Good grief gillybob - your PMer who dislikes 'bad language' should get on over to Mumsnet - that'd really keep her occupied...! shock grin