Caught in adult kids conflict

Tell all involved that your home is open to all of your loved ones, at any time.
Then they can negotiate visits according to their own agendas.

"I'm expected to tell my daughter not to call when they're there." Does "call" mean "visit," OurNana, or " ring up and talk on the phone?" Many posters here seem to be taking it to mean "visit.' However, you say, "I don't think I should have to tell my daughter she can't talk to her niece and nephew." So I think you're speaking of phone calls.

I don't think YOU should be the one to tell them that either. I agree with those who say DS and DIL have to get up the courage to do that. However, I don't think they have the right to control who calls your home or whether or not your DD can call her DM (dear mum).

I would let DS and DIL know they should speak to DD and let her know she can't talk to their kids, and that if she calls you, their rule for the kids will be enforced. You will need to enforce it though ("I'm sorry, DD, I have to respect the parents' wishes.)

Another option would be to avoid having your GC in your home while this is going on. But then, you may get to see them less often.

So sorry you are facing this!

If you see the GCs on Monday and see DD on Tuesday you are staying neutral.

If you cant keep monday free for the GCs and have DD round on Monday too when you have the whole rest of the week to see her, you are chosing DD over grandkids.

It doesnt matter who is right or wrong, the OP here is chosing her side rather than staying neutral and making time to see both sides separately.

sigh the point is the OP is claiming that it isnt easily possible for her to have her GCs round without OOOOPSEEE them seeing the DD, which I call BS on.

"Are you free for a cup of tea mum?"
"I will be after 5.30, any good?"

Not hard
Unless you're actually trying to set up the GCs seeing the DD and just acting innocent about it...

Ok but its not a divorcing friend its ournana s family.

I agree with confusedbeetle but can see that it is very difficult for you if you find your DD on the doorstep and GC with you.

Is it though?
What do you do if a friend is sat at your kitchen table in full flow snotty tears over her recent divorce and your DD texts re popping round or arrives at the door?

You simply say "not a good time right now but Ill call you after okay?"

If seeing the GCs matters more to you than facilitating what your DD wants, its not actually hard to keep that one day free for just the grandkids.

You can still see the DD any other day/time... you aren't being asked to chose you're being asked not to interfere.

If you are REALLY claiming that you cant possibly dedicate a bit of time to JUST your GCs, then they cant mean that much to you

I agree with confusedbeetle but can see that it is very difficult for you if you find your DD on the doorstep and GC with you. You are just going to have to sit it out and hope they all come to their senses. I am assuming this was a serious falling out and not something really petty.

You don't have to tell any of them anything. It is up to your children to tell each other. You should not interfere in any way and whatever you do don't even think of interfering or "helping" it never comes out well. Adult children cant imagine how it would feel if their own children fell out permanently so you will always be in the wrong. Sadly you just have to let it go. They will either sort it out, or not. The grandchildren will be fine, not deprived

Ah well, I didnt get any hint that the OP was wanting to inflame the issue or cause problems.

I think its a sad situation and I hope you find some resolution soon.

I can't understand why adults would behave in such a way. Unless the issue is one of child safety, I think it is totally unreasonable to stop children seeing their wider family.

Having said that, going against the parents' wishes is probably inadvisable.

"See you next week mum"
"Lovely, not Wednesday though as thats busy but any other day would be fine for you to pop in"
"Okay see you then"

????

Well yes...especially if the knock is pre-arranged...

Its not hard to keep a day free if you need to though

You dont invite your whole family round if your friend calls in to cry on your shoulder. You keep days free if you have medical appointments etc...

So it wouldnt be hard to tell DD that youre busy that day.... if you truely wanna stay out of it that is.

I should think it could be quite hard as children generally are excited when there is a knock at the door.

Whatever the rights and wrongs, is it really THAT logistically hard for you to see both separately for now?

Can you not make time for your DD when theyre not there, and then keep the time when you see the GC free for just the grandkids?

I think you are wanting to orchestrate your DD seeing the GCs which is YOU putting yourself in the middle of things by choice

Otherwise dont we all see people separately all the time? Its not hard?

I think a lot of it depends on the nature of the falling out. If, for example someone is in danger it's serious. If it's petty jealousy or spite it might sort itself out. It sounds as if both adult children are digging their heels in.

Breda...thanks. Common sense borne out of desperation because I had a mum who played us off each other for over 30yrs.

Sometimes you just can't be friends with your children. We have to step back and try and be the adult.

I'm sorry that you experienced same s**t as me. ' You just don't need it Rodney ' as Del boy would say.

Gosh akex57currie I wish my mother had had a tiny little bit of your common sense and used it with my brother and sister. Instead she stoked a furnace with lies and deceit and caused problems for more than 20 years! She died in 2013 but has left a hurtful and distressing legacy behind her!

Well done for sorting things out in your own family. They will thank you in years to come.

This was me 11months ago. Only my DGc are young adults. I set strict boundaries and enforced them. If I had to do it again with you're set of circumstances OP, I'd repeat. My 20yr DGd didn't come near us for 6months. She left home. Wouldn't go to her mum's 2cnd wedding. So sad.

I told my 2 Dd's to keep it away from my door.

I shut down negative dialogue with whoever.

If pre-planned arrangements came into conflict, I left the other one the choice of joining in or cutting their nose off to spite their face. Hard at first,
But got easier through time.

I set the tone and Dh & I navigated a fine line for a few months.

We maintained strict silence between each Dd's affairs/day to day life. Shut dialogue down again quite strictly. Told them both parties as far as we were concerned was not open to be talked about even lightly.

It drove them bonkers. It was like they were toddlers again spitting the dummy etc. Even their OH's eventually adopted this detached indifference. They got no feedback on behaviour. No support, only emotional when they deemed themselves striking towards maturity.

It was a massive brouhaha. Worthy of each other's anger. I asked them to find a way to compromise, grow emotionally and reconcile, or the next time they'd be together in this family home would be for mine or their dad's funeral. Until then they were not welcome. I was as welcome as a fart in a wetsuit, but I secretly cried my tears, put on a strong exterior and now it's getting there. They no longer play their stupid games. We've all changed and adapted. We agreed that the ' normal ' wasn't good, and the new ' normal ' will become comfortable.

Sorry for the tone OP . I hope you find your peace.

I have a friend in exactly the same situation. Son with 2 children, daughter single no children. This has gone on for about 12 years and the children who are now nearly grown up haven't seen their aunt since they were small.
My friend has to see her adult children separately, also at christmas.
It was a stupid disagreement. My friend tried at the beginning but to no avail and I can’t see it now ever being different. It is very sad. I am so sorry * ournana*. Hope your situation improves.

What a sad situation to find yourself in and it must be very hard to be in the middle of such a conflict but as everyone has said if this is what the parents have decided you will need to discuss with them how you are supposed to deal with an unexpected visit from their aunt if the children are at your house? The children are very young and won't understand why mummy & daddy have suddenly fallen out with their aunt. I remember a very bad argument between my mum & dad and dad's brother when I was a similar age - I've no idea what it was about but do remember suddenly shouting it's all my fault and bursting into tears - it obviously wasn't but it obviously upset me so your grandchildren need to be kept out of it if at all possible. I do hope they mend bridges as soon as possible for everyone's sake.

No advice, OurNana, just sympathy for you and others in this impossible situation. These disputes often do resolve themselves in time, so fingers crossed.

Is there no hope of a reconciliation? What happens at Christmas or special birthdays. I have a similar situation with my two daughters and it is indeed heartbreaking.

I agree Missadventure what a sad sad situation and how awful for the cousins to be deprived of their relatives and for you Ournana in the middle of all this
I think I would tell both sets of parents that if they want to dissolve all contact it’s up to them but you are not policing the children bumping into each other when they are at your house (unless there is some massive criminal reason)

Nothing to do with fall outs but my dads eldest brother was nearly twenty years older than him so he was left home and with a family when dad was small they had no real relationship and although we all lived in the same town i neve4 knew any of my cousins until I made a move to ‘find’ them all ( still in the same town I d been away many years and come back) when I was nearly 40 we all got on well and as an only child they would have been gold dust in my fairly lonely adult orientated childhood, no body s fault but a lost opportunity being so much older than me they are now all dead so I only had a few years to get to know them
I have made big efforts to make sure that all my grandkids know each other although they re all geographically a long way apart

I wouldn't allow anyone to dictate what I do in my own house.
That's a step too far for me.

Bluegal has given an excellent answer.

I do feel very sorry for you OurNana and I hope the situation improves for all your sakes.