Children’s Manners

As you can all tell, I'm not sure where I sit on this. I don't like bad manners or children not doing what they are told. I'm just not sure what's acceptable at what age. But as for telling them they are being rude or should say please thank you etc. I think some of our children would say that's not our ( ie grandparents) place. Children are brought up differently now. Even screaming is acceptable to many nowadays. Apparently it's one of the few ways they have of expressing themselves, as is refusing food and demanding other food. I find it all quite tiring. And then I am told I just don't remember what it was like. and I think, I'm sure my memory is not that bad. Sorry I sound such a moan.

The grandmother's role is to reinforce the good manners that the parents should be instilling.

However, in the OP's case, the parents are failing to do this, so perhaps gentle reminders from a GP could help.

Surely though, to love them includes wanting them to be well mannered?

You can kindly and gently remind a child to mind their Ps and Qs and to politely answer someone. It is not necessary to tut and carp.

I get your point Babyboomer we love them whether they are good or bad. And if my grandson tells me to get out I don't get offended. He's obviously tired ot just wants to be alone. Maybe we are expecting a lot from little children. And working parents have enough to do without us complaining. ( I'm easily swayed ?)

I would be making my feelings quite clear.
No treading on eggshells; I'd be out with it, telling granddaughter not to be so rude, then telling the parents.
Then going home to spend the rest of my life alone.

I think there is a fine line between teaching a child to be polite and making sure they have confidence too.

I don't think a book on manners would be a good idea. I seem to have a slightly different take on the grandmother's role in the family. I loved my grandmother, and, finding myself a grandmother myself these last 16 years, my aim...and I know I have fallen short often...has been to try to emulate her. My role is not to criticise or take umbrage or tut and carp...there are plenty of family members who will happily take on that role. I loved my gran because her love was unconditional, kind and gentle, and could be utterly relied upon. Having her in my life was a priceless gift!

Just as another perspective... If my MIL gave my son a book on manners for his birthday I would be offended! Maybe she said go away because she wanted a day at home and thought you came over to take her out! And all children have to be reminded to say please and thank you, no one is perfect

That's good to hear Jalima. I do think it's important.

A child can have an independent spirit but also be polite!

It's a good thing to teach a child how to reason, how to stand up for themselves but in a polite manner.

I don't think it is the same with all of today's parents - my DC are sticklers for ensuring the DGC are polite.
They would also want us to remind the DGC (nicely of course) to mind their Ps and Qs.

I would not ask my daughter to speak her child about bad manners. would not go down well. Nor would I dare to tell him to say please etc in front of her. As I've said before Good luck with that! whole new world now bringing uo children! We must have been bad parents indeed!

Spot on Easybee, it seems like a form of reflected glory to me, boasting about their child being a child to be reckoned with, it’s very self congratulaly, & as if that makes they themselves somehow more important .

So many excuses for what is rude behaviour; no seven year old should speak to any adult in that way without being reproved, never mind the relationship.
I am constantly surprised by the admiring tone in which a few of my friends relate incidences of bad behaviour from their grandchildren, sometimes in front of them:
"Oh, he won't say thank you; she won't wear walking reins when we go out; they won't go to/stay in bed when I babysit."
It is almost as though they applaud their independent spirit. Needless to say, their children were badly behaved when young, still are, and I can understand why now.

I'd have a word with the parents and ask what's wrong with your DGD, not 'punish' her when you're not sure why she's behaving like that. They're not doing her any favours allowing her to grow up without knowing her Ps & Qs.

I think it's fine to prompt her to say 'please' and 'thank you'. I think I'd definitely not go away if a child told me so rudely to go away!

Would she read it? perhaps a little talking to would go a long way without a present. 'When you can be polite, I will buy you a present' You could also say to her parents: 'I am not an never ending supply of money, so when your daughter can speak to me nicely, I will revert to being a nice Nana/Grandma. But until then, she needs to learn manners before I learn what she wants for her birthday/Christmas as do you two'.

I think buying a book on manners would be so pointed as to in itself be bad manners.

If my grandchildren forget to say please or thank you I just say it for them - and they follow suit with a smile.

It is very rude to tell you to go away and I think I would have said something. Hopefully as your granddaughter gets older she will learn that speaking to people in such a way will not go down well. As others have said, it really is the fault of her parents to not pull her up on such things. It's not nice to keep nagging and picking on your children, but I think it is essential that they learn to treat people properly.

I don't understand why eating food items separately should be an issue. I know an adult who does that. I think it's a bit odd but so what, it doesn't hurt anybody.

PECS and trisher have this situation summed up well imo. Children learn by example, parenting skill are what's needed here, not passive aggressive comments to 7 year olds. Maybe a calm and friendly chat with her parents is what's needed if this little girl is always rude, its likely she's unhappy, tired or going through a phase (lovely notion phases, aren't they).
I simply can't imagine feeling so cross with my own grandchildren. I can imagine feeling uneasy about what's going on in her life that being friendly and polite to others isn't a key component .

Well as long as they eat with their mouths closed I don't care what order they eat in. My grandson tells me to go away sometimes. Its up to parents to teach children. Good luck with trying to point anything out to parents about their parenting methods/or criticising their darling children. I shall continue to keep my mouth firmly shut. But different rules when in my house. I love my grandchildren but its a whole new game nowadays.

Poor table manners is just bad training and poor modelling by adults around her..as is regular rude behaviour. I would be buying a book for the parents on have to create a better model of appropriate behaviour for their daughter! Or I would be worried that she is an unhappy little girl.

From the reading of it, she is rude all the time.

Oh dear! If your DGD is normally a cheerful and sweet kid then maybe she really wanted to be on her own and expressed it in a childish way..or she was just having a bad moment. Don't take it personally! I would have said similar that others have said and been light hearted about it. You don't want to give the poor behaviour the attention.

My gcs have a bowl with a straw incorporated but they still leave the milk. All my SiLs pour far too much on the kids cereal. I reckon between the 8 of them probably a pint is wasted . I am of the sook & scrape brigade. I always manage to get another spoonful from their yoghurt pots! Can't bear to leave anything clinging to the sides!
As for the rude 7 year old, manners are made at home. I would just persevere and hope that things improve. Maybe its an age thing. I have a 7 yr old gs who is pushing the limits but is being firmly corrected by both parents and grandparents. What's that? as I gave him his lunch. It looks disgusting . So he had the choice ......he ate it

I've been known to hold onto something until I hear the 'magic word' from shop assistants, bus drivers..
Its just inbuilt, I think.
I was always a real stickler for please and thank you.