Gransnet forums

AIBU

Children’s Manners

(122 Posts)
watermeadow Wed 01-Aug-18 20:44:50

AIBU to consider giving my granddaughter a book about manners for her birthday?
She is appallingly rude, no please or thankyou, no greeting or goodbye. Yesterday I looked into their sitting room to say hello to her and she said,”Go away”
She will be seven soon and I’m tempted to punish her with such a book instead of a toy, BUT it’s actually her parents’ fault, isn’t it?

MissAdventure Wed 01-Aug-18 20:46:47

I would say so..
Do they ever comment on the things she says?
I would HAVE to say something, I just know I wouldn't be able to keep it in.

Beau Wed 01-Aug-18 20:50:27

It has to have been learnt from her parents, surely? If there is such a thing as a book about manners then yes, I would be tempted and it might just be in time for her to change her ways.
I couldn't tolerate that behaviour, manners are so important imo.

NanaandGrampy Wed 01-Aug-18 20:53:03

Do her parents insist on good manners Watermeadow ? It isn’t your job to initiate them if her parents don’t also insist.

Both my daughters and their husbands insist on manners and because of that I just support their rules ( which also happens to be mine.)

I don’t think it’s fair to punish the child . Discuss it with the parents and find out what they feel and manage your expectations I think.

NanKate Wed 01-Aug-18 20:55:56

My grandsons 7 and 5 drink the milk from their cereal bowl at breakfast I was horrified. They want us to take them to the Premier Inn for breakfast. I shall be setting a few ground rules first. 👩‍🏫

MissAdventure Wed 01-Aug-18 21:01:36

My grandson eats his meals item by item.
All of the veg. Then all of the potatoes. Then the meat.
I'm not sure if I'm being ridiculous when I say I would never have been allowed to do that.
I'm not sure if it was just a rule my mum made up, or a matter of table manners?

BlueBelle Wed 01-Aug-18 21:04:50

I like drinking the milk from a cereal bowl (not in company mind) 😂
I do not really see a problem in what order the lad eats his food as long as its eaten

MissAdventure Wed 01-Aug-18 21:05:53

Yes, he eats well.
It must have been a 'mum' rule.

ContraryMary88 Wed 01-Aug-18 21:09:57

Why is it ridiculous to eat food item by item?
To the OP - your 7 yr old GD is hardly likely to read a book on manners if she isn’t being taught them at home.
Try to lead by example? If that doesn’t work then try to get her to say please and thank you each time.
But make her use good manners when she is in your home and speaking to you.
I’ve noticed that although my GCs always ask to leave the table at our house and carry their plates out to the kitchen, at home they just wander away and no one says anything, I guess it isn’t important to them
but in my house it’s my rules.

kathsue Wed 01-Aug-18 21:17:49

I used to wish my GS would drink the milk in his cereal bowl. There was always so much left over but he'd say it didn't taste right and wouldn't touch it.

MissAdventure Wed 01-Aug-18 21:19:29

That's really annoying too!

FlexibleFriend Wed 01-Aug-18 21:40:37

I can't see the problem with eating one item at a time or drinking milk from the cereal bowl, they're eating leave them be. I'd be furious if Grandparents had passed comment on my kids manners in their own home. A grandchild telling you to go away isn't so terrible either I wouldn't tell her off just call her grumpy knickers or whatever. Thoughts of buying a book on manners as punishment are ridiculous as it would never get read and I can imagine you wouldn't be greeted any better next time either.

MissAdventure Wed 01-Aug-18 21:43:06

I think its terrible.

Iam64 Wed 01-Aug-18 21:46:50

Goodness Me! Our grandchildren are precious. Parents set the manners rules and I'm lucky, our toddlers are encouraged to say please and thank you so if they don't, the adult with them will say 'what's the magic word' or, 'what do you say' and the little one will then use please and/or thank you.
As for drinking milk from cereal bowls, isn't that part of the fun>. Eating food in a particular order surely isn't a problem, is it? My autistic grandson couldn't eat any food if it touched each other on his plate, he couldn't eat 'mixed up' food, like spaghetti bog or shepherds pie for example. Maybe my family is just too laid back.

MissAdventure Wed 01-Aug-18 22:01:55

I don't have any strong objection to children having food preferences.
Its mild curiosity, really.
Its being rude to other people I have an issue with.

stella1949 Wed 01-Aug-18 22:13:19

MissAdventure my sister did that "eating one thing at a time" thing 60 years ago, it's nothing new. But it certainly doesn't come into the category of bad manners though.

*Watermeadow" I wouldn't bother with the book - she'd never read it. I hate bad manners in people - children or adults - but these things are learned by their upbringing. If your grandchildren are rude, look to their parents.

MissAdventure Wed 01-Aug-18 22:25:31

Ah, thank you!
That is something new I've learned. smile

Cherrytree59 Wed 01-Aug-18 23:45:52

Hi Watermeadow
The little girl sounds angry.
Has somthing recently changed in her life?
Does she need a Grandma cuddle and a little bit attention

Presumably you taught her parent manners and she will have passed them on to her little daughter.
Whenever your DGD forgets to say please or thank you just say it for her.

My young grandsons know that if they ask for something from gran they have to use the Magic word.
I never lecture.

When giving or passing something to your DGD I would suggest that you don't release it until you get a thank you.

Good luck

Bellanonna Wed 01-Aug-18 23:56:29

Yes, Cherry that’s what I do. It always works.

ChaosIncorporated Thu 02-Aug-18 08:51:10

Hmmmm.
I absolutely believe in deferring to parental rules but do also think that grandparents are part of the first (and safe) experiences of wider social interactions. Learning that people who are not your parents may not tolerate behaviours used at home, is quite a major life lesson.
I adore my GSs and am lucky enough to be a regular presence in their lives, but I dont always respond in the same way as their parents now they are of an age to be interacting with the wider world a little.
I have zero tolerance for whinging, or bad manners and they have happily accepted those social rules.
I would never contradict the parents but equally won't accept being treated without courtesy.
I had always thought that being part of that safe bridge into managing wider relationships was one of the very positive things GC gain from having close family in their lives.
Maybe not?

ChaosIncorporated Thu 02-Aug-18 08:53:07

I absolutely wouldnt give the book, though, or respond with any "punishment". For me, it would be time for a quiet "chat".

gillybob Thu 02-Aug-18 08:57:32

My grandsons 7 and 5 drink the milk from their cereal bowl at breakfast I was horrified

I would be more horrified to pour it down the sink NanKate

sodapop Thu 02-Aug-18 09:07:21

This may be a phase your granddaughter is going through watermeadow I don't think its necessary to punish her in any way. I think you should talk to her and explain why you are a little upset by this. I agree with others that her parents should be ensuring she is taught social skills like this.
When your granddaughter visits you then it's your rules of course.

Willow500 Thu 02-Aug-18 09:11:45

I always left milk in the bowl after cereal - I hate milk but wouldn't complain if a child did it. I do hate to see anyone (children or adults) drinking from the bottle of milk or carton of juice and putting it back in the fridge though!

I don't think a book on manners is necessarily a bad thing if it's disguised as a story but probably wouldn't give it to her for her birthday - maybe have it at your house and read it with her to talk about. Manners should definitely be taught by parents but that really doesn't automatically stop a child being rude if they're feeling annoyed or upset by something.

harrigran Thu 02-Aug-18 09:14:00

I would be giving a book about good manners to the child's parents, they are the ones who have neglected to teach the child any niceties.
My GC have said please and thank you since they first started talking and if I thanked them for anything I always got "you're welcome Grandma" smile