MIL painted my house whilst I was in hospital

Quick update

- we are having dinner at auntie’s, he can figure out his own dinner. Plenty of food in the house, I am sure he can manage. This is probably petty but this arrangement suits me and the wee ones so, meh

- the longstanding arrangement for the birth is my dad is coming to pick them up and they will stay at my parents. Who for all their faults are excellent at feeding and toileting

- I have been told (and I use that word advisedly, it was NOT phrased as an offer or suggestion) MIL will be looking after my children on Friday when I have my next hospital appointment as DH suddenly “has important things to do at work” and has cancelled the morning off he had booked.

Very good, dear. Pull the other leg, it has bells on. I have asked what time she expects them dropped off at hers, since there is no way she is getting back in the door unsupervised this soon after the paint episode. Perhaps this is unreasonable of me, but then again what the hell else might she come up with? I was hardly expecting my house painted the last time!!

Have you made any plans for when your baby arrives? Is there anyone else who could look after your girls?

If not I'd write detailed instructions for the ILs about what to do and what NOT to do while you're in hospital. Try to teach your DH about nappy/toilet training and how to look after children. He needs to have it spelled out for him!

You are coping well with the painting fiasco but I think you might need to plan carefully for the next battle visit from MIL.

I would also tell your husband he isnt having his tea when he gets home from work until 6 hours later and see how he likes it.
Tell him he's having nothing to eat at all until he's cleaned up all the mess.

Speechless ?
?you are a saint!

I would have gone ballistic but, in your present 'condition', I think it best that you look after yoyrself and try to forget (or overlook) any annoyances for the next few months.
I don't understand why your DH didn't stop her or feed his children.
Well...what's done is done. Keep calm and carry on.
When things have settled down you could tell MiL not to ever EVER do anything in your home again without consulting you first.
Sending best wishes to you and the new baby.

Well I would have blown a gasket and they would certainly be aware of how I felt. Doubly so if the children were being ignored while it was going on. Keep calm but tell them this is not on and point out the damage they have caused. Then move on!

I would also tell your husband he isnt having his tea when he gets home from work until 6 hours later and see how he likes it.

As for the ILs I would also make them wait the next time they come for tea.

If they don't like it then you can tell them why. I would tell them anyway why I was doing it when they got there. I am furious on your behalf

I would have to be peeled off the season! Jeus the ex deceased mother in law was a nightmare however even she wouldnt have done that.

You get them all told straight! Your husband especially. Why did anyone think it was ok to leave the children go hungry? That is willfull neglect on all their parts.

Then I would tell the in laws in front of your DH that she had no right doing that without your permission and worse leaving your kids without food.

How would she have felt if her Mil had done it to her? Though she would probably be defensive, in what we can guess she will reply.

It never ceases to amaze me what people will do.

Your DH needs a good talking to, too when your on your own.

Painting the inside of cupboards? Wtf! I have never heard of that before either. I mean why just why

Absolutely gobsmacked here!

I think the suggestion by flexiblefriend is absolutely spot on. Even if he doesn't do as suggested, it would hopefully forcefully send the message that this is NOT acceptable.

Muffin, who do the other children belong to? Are they DH's too or from a previous husband? I mean who looked after the first while you had the second? I would love to swop you for my daughter. Not got any sons so no Dil but daughter is very strict about how I look after her kids and if I arrive early because worried about traffic making me late and she goes to work she glares. I have always done something wrong. I did say that one time and now she just talks the minimum I need to know. Time of arrival, food to give etc. But I do get to see the grandkids (age 3 and 12) by childcare so love to do it, even if I get tired. No social occasions allowed really now. Other daughter is normal

I would do what FlexibleFriend suggests, which sounds more sensible than my suggestion

Don't answer this if you don't want to - but are your in-laws British? I do know some mothers-in-law who are a bit similar to yours but they are (apart from one) not British.

I think I would be had up for double murder if I was you muffin
That will probably be deleted, but honestly!

My DM would do things like tackle a pile of ironing for me, clean cobwebs that I had missed but my MIL was not a bit domesticated or into DIY - thank goodness I now think!

I can only be thankful that my MiL's interference was mostly verbal and I was always there to prevent unacceptable actions with my DC when they were small. However I am reminded that my now ex DH, though no wimp, had very strange ideas about the authority his DF had. When they were coming to visit for DD's birthday I told DH to make sure his DF didn't steal the limelight by playing the piano and expecting us to be appreciative, as this was DD's special day, his response was to say "But he's the head of the household." I was flabberghasted and informed him that he was only head of HIS household not ours. That was a revelation to my DH! All the same, as it was an electric piano, I removed the power lead and hid it for the day as I wasn't sure DH would have the balls to stand up to his DF!
Seems your DH has similar feelings towards your MiL and she takes advantage. He needs it spelling out to him that it is his home, he's in charge. Seems like FiL is somewhat hen pecked too so your DH has taken his cues from him and let MiL rule the roost.
I'd say tell him straight then sit down with a stiff drink and relax, but in your condition that option isn't possible so !

Tbh I'd go for the idea of getting professional cleaners in to sort out the mess in fact tell the Father in law to sort it out and pay for it. Tell him straight he allowed his wife to vandalise your new home and you hold him and your husband responsible as she is clearly deranged. I'd also suggest he gets her to the Doctors pronto as you fear for her sanity.

I had a neighbour who annually glossed the insides of her cupboards as she thought it hygienic. She is in her 80s so I wonder if with mil it is a generation thing . I don't know how gloss sticks onto modern cupboard insides. I also wonder if it's malicious as I had a mil who would do 'helpful,' things which actually caused more trouble than they were worth and while expressing gratitude was often hard pushed to be genuine. A not very nice person might take the newspapers ,brushes and paint pots around and dump them on the carpet. But I'm sure you're above that sort of thing.

When I left home to go to college, as a surprise my mother had my bedroom decorated. To replace a lovely silver grey Chinese-based wallpaper, she chose a huge mid-brown design that would have been better suited to a large hallway. I never really forgave her.
Thanks for letting me vent 50 years later!!!

Wow it seems to be getting worse and worse. Your DH and MiL do not seem to have an ounce of common sense. Why on earth take shelves to be painted into the living room - outside would have been more appropriate. I think you have a real job on your hands and I would let rip with DH and send a polite but firm text to FiL explaining how unhappy you are with the fallout from the painting exercise. There are two weak men as obviously FiL has no influence. When we look after grandchildren that is all we do and try to adhere to family rules as much as possible. I am appalled they were kept in nappies all day when it was not necessary.
But as others have said you need to look after yourself - easier said than done I know.
I really hope you can get this sorted out before you go into hospital for the birth, otherwise who knows what you will come back to.

This situation rang a bell with me. Its exactly the sort of thing my mother would have done. Her idea of looking after her grandkids was to send them out to play in the garden whilst she got on with 'jobs'. Needless to say she did the same with my brother and I when we were little, frequently locking the door and sometimes putting out sandwiches in a tin! She genuinely thought that she was being helpful if she painted my house or made me new curtains I didnt need, not listening when I said I would far rather she built up a relationship with her grandchildren. I used to wait for the dust to settle and then just quietly reinforce the view that I didnt want any help with the house. It didnt entirely stop the behaviour, but it did mean the family unit wasnt riven by huge rows. I dont think she had any feel whatsoever for children and actually didnt really like interacting with them, so it was pretty hopeless trying to ask her to spend quality time with them. I just took the view I wasnt going to change her entire character and didnt think I was being particularly spineless.

Tell ILs and H you are getting professional cleaners in and sending their bill to the ILs. Even if it doesn't happen they will know you aren't happy!

In the course of trying to clean up the mess of brushes, pots, old newspapers etc that were left for me to come home to, this morning I have found white gloss paint stains on the black quartz worktops.

And white emulsion stains on the drawing room carpet, where it appears cupboard shelves were taken to be painted.

Due to handing over a mid five figure sum to ILs as part of some shady “loan” arrangement with DH (I think I posted about this before) from our very recent house sale, I cannot afford to replace either of these (previously pristine, high quality) fittings.

God give me strength.

I am going to my auntie’s before I pick up the phone and say something I will regret to ILs. (I will say plenty to DH tonight and he can just deal with it, because I am now well p’d off.)

In the mean time, any suggestions as to where and how I might start cleaning up this damage are desperately sought. Quartz worktops. God in heaven.

Must not end up back in hospital. Breathing exercises.

Although there are many underlying issues here, I would reply to FIL's text that you did not appreciate the paint job and in the fullness of time would choose some tasteful F & B shades, employ a professional decorator and send the bill to him (FIL).

Is it only me that thinks the DH needs to grow a pair? Firstly for needing help with his own blummin kids and then not having the balls to say ‘no’ to his mother. As for his total lack of common sense regarding feeding the kids... He needs to grow up and man up. MIL needs to ask herself what she was there for if she really wanted to help, but DH should have taken charge and responsibility.

I think short term you need to write very specific instructions.

Anything that will remove gloss paint is quite certainly NOT something you should work with, or even be near, while you are pregnant!

Gabriella and others, re food;

It’s him I’m p*ssed off with regarding that. It’s not MIL’s job to do basic parent stuff. I am very clear that that falls on him. We had a talk about that last night.

This morning I have also found out that both of them were kept in nappies 24/7 all weekend, amd from a rash patch on eldest, not changed often enough either.

I am really upset and disappointed about this, because the wee ones and me have been working especially hard on toilet training and they are now nappy free in houses during the day. (I still offer them one for dancing, activities when out etc as they aren’t accident free and they get distraught over public accidents. Also they aren’t dry enough in the day to be reliably dry at night yet so still in pull ups then)

The paint thing is freaky but harmless. But I am really angry over what happened to the wee ones. All my previous attempts to get eldest day dry have been effectively stymied by DH shoving her in a nappy at every opportunity because its less effort. He promised to back me up this time. I really need her to be day dry and she is well over due for it. She’s worked really hard this time and we ate close to getting there.

Before this weekend, I’d only ever been away from her overnight twice (hospital, both times before she was a year) and the youngest never at all. What they really needed was their routine about meals and bathroom upheld and things to go on as normal. Instead they got skipped meals and wet nappies?!

I’ve said we need to discuss this after wee ones are in bed tonight. This is really not okay. Every parent gets stressed and upset but we still need to parent.

I admit I’m also a bit disappointed in ILs since they came ‘to help with the kids’ and that doesn’t seem to have happened, but it’s not their job. I’m also worried if I have to stay in hospital for a while around the birth, that since they were supposed to be his childcare help/support, that all three of them need to focus a bit more on the toddlers and a bit less on “projects” in the house.

Last time my BIL came to stay when number two was born, and he is great, I trust him completely. He’s working away this time though :-/

I always said that whatever issues MIL had with me, she was always good with the wee ones and I was never concerned about them being in her care. DH is the enormous letdown here but I also feel a wee bit disappointed in her.

Maybe I am being unreasonable about that though. I’m very tired and feeling unwell right now. Probably not thinking very clearly.