AIBU thinking my daughter is being cruel?

I had this with my bro after out mother died. Just b'day cards, till one year I sent a funny I knew he would like, ice broken - took 10 years for issues round death/funeral to subside till we got to that. Earlier it would not have worked.

Sending a card is not passive nor, usually, aggressive however brief the message.

Sending a card with only a signature, under the circumstances, is very passive-aggressive. You should respond with simply a ‘thanx for card’.

Or is she just jabbing you to keep the 'argument' going ? Maybe needs you and loves you but controlling the vendetta to hurt you ? I don't know quite what I mean .

I would go slow here too Ziggy, but not knowing the details, which you have a perfect right to keep to yourself, none of us can give any more helpful advice.

Times have changed; our children's generation keep in contact at very rare intervals, even when there hasn't been any disagreement. Nor do they feel obliged to apologise just to smooth things over, as many of our generation did.

Basically, if they keep in touch it is because they want to, not out of a sense of family obligation.

Your daughter wants some contact, which is good. It sounds to me as if she is dealing with some things that are worrying her, these might have nothing to do with you, you know.

I would think she is sending cards because it was mothers day and your birthday and thats the normal thing to do, as your her mum, and that for her keeps the contact. I do feel like a previous poster said with todays mobile phones text facetime skype etc we expect a little more but dont always get it.

How can we possibly give a view on this when we have no idea what a few “difficult” years involved.

Everything that Monica said makes sense - it usually does!

I call it playing mind games. You end up getting used to it and shrugging it off.

Whatever your issues have been, the longer the rift goes on, the bigger it will become. If she won’t talk/text, send a heartfelt email or letter to clarify/explain/apologise or ask any questions you need to, to get it all resolved. Life’s just too short ?

I guess it depends on how we view things. It seems to be a common thing that the younger generation choose to have no or little contact with their parents. Which must be liberating at times. Think of all the ways we felt we 'had' to conform to our mothers expectations.

However if we only give with the thought of getting back - is that truly giving?

If we only give because we like the 'thank you' is that real giving?

Perhaps view your contacts with your daughter as a way for you to feel close to her without expecting anything back. Maybe do this just because you are her mum and you love her because then it doesn't much matter if she sends you cards or presents or texts in return or not.

Just ask her

I was in that situation for a while Ziggy, birthday cards being the only contact and eventually it all came right. As MOnica says she maybe just wants to build bridges slowly...and at least she’s left the door ajar.

It's often hard for people to make up, build bridges. Each thinks the other should (or hopes they will) make the first move.
Your daughter, IMHO, must be finding it difficult to act as lovingly as she previously has done. By omitting her partner's name and her usual xxx she is showing that all is not forgiven whilst not completely closing the door.
Maybe she wants to hug but can only (metaphorically speaking) stand in your eyeline and obviously sees the present giving and kisses as 'giving in'.
All it takes is a face to face meeting - no words are needed. Hugs say everything and I'm sure you'd both cry tears of relief.
I suggest text, say how much you miss her and and want the joy back in your relationship. Perhaps relate a funny time you shared with her when she was younger, something that would make her smile, break the barrier as there is no doubt that she reads your messages.
I really hope that you can be the one with the longest arms.
Be patient but not pushy. My bet is that your DD needs to ' be in charge' of forgiving, whatever the problem is.
My best wishes to you both.

My two sisters fall out regularly, they go for years with no contact, the trouble being they are different people and if not related would never be friends. They make the effort, things get said, there is hurt both sides and they don’t see each other for years, then they try again but the same thing happens.
But they always send cards. It does not mean that they want to get together - they don’t want to get hurt again, but at the end of the day they are sisters. Unfortunately they live a long way apart so they can’t just meet for a coffee on neutral ground, which might be a good way to test the water and keep in touch.

So sad for you keep the contact going however slow something will happen eventually for her to realise what she is missing .x

My husband is No contact with his mom and she doesn't sent him a card and he doesn't send her one. He has just can't handle her and the stress she brings.

So for your Daughter to send a card, even a not very detailed one, is massive. Whatever falling out you've had she still wants to remain in some low contact with you. The door is still open.

Thinking positively, could she have got a new phone and not kept the old number. Therefore wouldn’t have got the texts

Some very wise and helpful suggestios here.

Unconditional love means allowing children to go their own way without making any demands but always giving. You can't MAKE people understand how you feel if they are not interested. Most people are naturally generous and want to see and understand how others feel. If the opportunity is there, they will take a chance and communicate as long as they are sure the reception will be welcoming and not critical.

Perhaps treading carefully is what the OP's daughter is doing niggly. Perhaps keeping contact cool is what she sees as treading carefully. Perhaps she's trying to avoid the sort of scenarios that made the last few years difficult. I very much doubt if it’s always the gran generation who either do or are expected to tread carefully.

Banananana Not all differences can be resolved so maybe you could contact your mother but keep it shallow and see how it goes? I was not in contact with my mother for a long time and can't remember how we reconnected but I am glad I did. I still have to stop contact occasionally, mostly because my sister is the golden child and my mother will believe anything she says. I don't want to put up with it any more but she is in her 90s and it isn't something I am going to solve now so I just don't call for a bit, then when I do I put her straight (which she will choose to forget) and we carry on.

If it were me I would send a “Thinking of You “ card along with a bunch of flowers, she will then know you are happy to have contaxt. Me & my mum no longer have Contact and I often think both of us don’t know how the other is feeling, if I knew she wanted Contact I would be happy to start off afresh and try and resolve our differences. I hope things work out for you both

Why is it always us mothers/ Grannies who have have to tread slowly and carefully after an upset?! On the rare occasions I had an altercation with my mother it was always I who trod carefully and slowly to mend the fence, even if I was clearly not to blame for whatever. It was I who kept the peace between an elderly granny and a fractious teenage granddaughter. It was I who poured oil on anything that remotely represented troubled waters. She was my mother whom I loved and respected and would never have been deliberately unkind to. While I'm sure this daughter will eventually 'come round', it will be on her terms and you will have to take it or leave it! Sadly my own daughter would do and has done, exactly the same to me which perhaps tells us something about modern young women!!!! Thankfully my son has not and never would behave in this rather cruel way.

Is there a slight possibility that she has changed her mobile number and isn't receiving your texts?

Just sends cards back when there is an occasion with a few words but not including any request for more contact. She may be depressed and if so, the last thing you want to do sometimes is communicate with people but she doesn't want to actually cut you off. Any request for more contact will feel like pressure despite it not being meant that way.
Whatever it is, be patient and try to accept things as they are for now. You probably won't guess the right answer so there is no point in doing that.
You can't solve it and she doesn't want you to try. She will back off further if there is pressure on her to do more than she feels up to. To you it is just a text. To her it may be more than that.