Wedding woes

If your gift of money was given without conditions, it's too late to start bringing them up now.

Btw, this thread is not only on Facebook for Gransnet but also for Mumsnet.

I think I'd have to say something, like 'We didn't give you all this money to entertain people we've never heard of', because that's the issue really, isn't it? Otherwise, it will fester and come out after the wedding when it's too late to do anything about it.

I wonder if your DD is agreeing to everything her in-laws to be are asking, to keep the peace? I don't think it's un reasonable at a wedding for most of the guests to be friend of the bride and groom, with family invites restricted to very close family, and maybe a few more distant relatives.

This reminds me why I had a very small wedding - there was such a scope for rows with my mum that keeping the guest list tight seemed the best policy!

My DIL and her family arranged my DS's wedding and the guest list. Some of our family were there, but not all. Some were invited but didn't come. Personally I had a lovely day and I didn't do anything. Arwen you have my sympathy it sounds a nightmare.
Muffin there must have been some funerals otherwise how was anyone "disinherited"?

For the life of me I can't understand why anyone would plan a wedding for two years' ahead. Such a long time for bad feelings to fester, misunderstandings, tension, non-stop talk about table settings, etc.

I feel sorry for you Arwen - you're understandably a bit peeved and will be for the next two years!

If distant cousins on the grooms side are being invited and not Arwens friends then I'm sorry. No. not good enough. Why do parents have to always agree to save relationships. Why not the children?

Arewen, I do feel for you no one likes to feel taken for granted,but I think you should just let it go
I think That’s even better if the invites are from the Bride & Groom it absolves you of any responsibility for who is invited. If any friends of yours are not invited you can easily explain why, I’m sure they will be happy to cheer you up with your own ladies evening chatting over a bottle of wine ( or 2) best wishes relax & enjoy. ( even if gritting your teeth???)

OOOOh this is a tricky one. We are just going through this with my son and his partner. Her parents are very wealthy and have given them the same amount to spend on their wedding as her sister was given. They informed us that only their siblings,their children, partners and grandparents would be invited. No Aunts or uncles on either side but 100+ friends are coming. As long as they are prepared to explain their position I am fine with it. It really isn't worth the arguments. They have also asked one of my close friends and one of my friends daughters and her family who live near them and they have become close to. No evening guests only - the wedding is not close to their home so this is impractical!!

My son is a total control freak about the whole event - he wants me to make a speech but only if he can approve the content before hand!!

I decided at the start to leave it to them to avoid any conflict but make it clear to anyone who asks that any decisions are theirs and DH and I are not involved.

Me too Flowerofthewest and Iam exactly how I feel It’s their day not mine and especially if they re grown and flown and earning more than me
My kids never even questioned it they did their own organising their own paying and I fitted in as mum if the groom or bride
Money shouldn’t be used to buy places round the table Diane it should be given with NO strings or else it’s not a gift I don’t think the daughter has been disengenerous at all just wanting to do it her way and so she should

Nickit1987 But the parents arent just contributing. They're pretty much covering all the costs.
I'm with Happysexagenarian and Jananana on this.
Also its not just the happy couples day. Its a family occasion. always has been and always will be. Some things dont change.
I would not have jumped in so quickly in offering to pay so much- but hindsight is a wonderful thing. I would not cause a huge row but I would insist on having some input. I think your daughter must know she is treating you wrongly. And that you don't agree with what she is doing. I think you should say something. Its not being aggressive to say what you think/feel.

I would actually be quite put out by her mean attitude after having been given thousands of pounds towards the day. I would think I have been generous and reasonable whereas she is being mean and ungrateful, wether I would make a big issue out of it practice I'm not sure.
However if in future she came back asking for a deposit on a house I'd plead poverty and send her away, families work on a combination of good faith and tolerance and in my book she crossed the line.

We had a similar issue at our wedding. My husband has a large family whereas mine is quite small. My parents contributed towards our wedding and felt this entitled them to dictate pretty much everything about it. One demand in particular was that they be allowed to invite 20 or so friends. With venue numbers and costs, this meant I was only able to have 4 friends there for the day and a few others came along in the evening. Although I didn't allow this to cause any ongoing issues with my parents, it definitely spoilt the wedding for us. If I were you, I would let them choose who is invited.

Perhaps, as in our family, the parents' friends in question had 'been there' since the children were born, and were better known than some of the relatives.

Reminds me of the Amy MacDonald song which includes the phrase

"But it's not your day no more"

and generally tells of generational expectations. Worth a listen

Traditionally the bride's family paid for most of the wedding costs in the days before couples started living together. As such the parents had quite a lot of input to the guest list and invitations being sent. I think if you have already set up home together and planning a wedding there should not be any expectations of financial help from parents, nor should parents feel obliged to offer it. As has been pointed out, many couples like to arrange/ plan their own weddings and send their own invitations out. You can"t have your cake and eat it.....so if you choose to be a modern couple, you should,nt have the expectations of an old fashioned wedding when it comes to who is paying for it.

As countless people have already said: it is their day and they should have what they want. True, to a degree.... but that doesn't mean they should hurt their parents feelings in the process. They are getting what they want because you are helping them financially and they should remember that. You are not trying to hijack their wedding plans, but they (especially your daughter) should be more thoughtful and considerate of your feelings regarding such an important day in your lives as well as hers. You are her parents after all and should be consulted about the guest list, not dictated to! A wedding is after all a family occasion.

Please don't be offended by my criticism of your DD and future SIL, it is just the way I see it. If she were my daughter I would not hesitate to tell her how I felt. If she loves you she will understand (hopefully) and be a little more flexible and thoughtful with their plans.

Oops! That should say weddings as I have a lot of grandchildren.

At my first wedding I didnt even get to invite my best girlfriends. Although my parents were paying for almost everything the reception was being held at MILs large house and garden. Surprise surprise! There were quite a few friends of MIL at the wedding. Yet my Mum hadnt been able to invite all her sisters and husbands. Luckily now the only wedding I am likely to be invited to are those of my grandchildren . If I am invited I shall accept graciously and hopefully enjoy the day. I think these bloated over impressive weddings are a bore. My niece's wedding last year was a lovely country affair paid for by the couple themselves and the reception was in the village hall. Far more enjoyable than the ones held at fancy hotels where they are mainly out to impress

Phew Iam64. It does begged belief these days

Snap Flowerofthewest. No expectations from any of mine either, we made a contribution that was the same as the other set of parents, that seemed fair. It's their wedding, they pay, get to plan and we get to go and wear a hat (if we wish) and enjoy their special day.

It amazes me just how many parents are still paying for their 'childrens' weddings. Couples these days more often than not have lived together for years...have children. Often have more income than their retired parents. None of my adult children expected me to pay for their wedding. I did make a contribution towards catering or drinks. They have grown up with absolutely no sense of entitlement. (Ducks from rotten tomatoes )

Its their day not yours and they should do the inviting and you should just let it go and enjoy the day when it comes.

MagicWand “How Not To Get Married” or “Two Weddings, Sadly No Funerals”?

Arwen when my DS & now DDIL married, both sets of parents contributed to the wedding and the couple made up the difference. Wedding invitations were sent out with the wording: Together with their parents X & Y would like to invite . . .
We had very little to do with the organisation, we made certain they knew we were happy to get involved when they wanted or needed us.
There were a lot of guests who the couple invited themselves, family on both sides, a few of our friends who had been around for most of DS's life, ditto for a few of DDIL's, the rest of the guests were their own friends - it was a joyous and wonderful wedding. I wish you, your DD and your future DSIL the same.

Muffin, I'm fast thinking you should blog or start writing a book!

I feel the true meaning of a wedding - the joining of two people, and their immediate family- has been lost in the rush to have the biggest, showiest spectacle possible. A close relative of mine was a wedding photographer for years, and his pictures were lovely, but he always said that the most extravagant weddings brought the worst out in people, especially once the drinking started.
Now the drinking starts well before the event.

It's for the bride and groom to choose who they'd like to invite celebrate their day.