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Wedding woes

(108 Posts)
Arwen250 Tue 28-Aug-18 19:24:27

AIBU our dd is getting married in 2020 and we have given her a fair amount of money towards the wedding which should in fact pay for most of it. The groom has quite a big family whereas we don’t and they are being given priority in invitations as they are ‘family’ and I’m being told that our friends will be given just invites to the evening as they aren’t family. I have to say this is coming from our dd not the groom. Needless to say I have held my tongue but this evening on discussing the wedding we are told that invitations won’t be traditional ie the bride’s parents invite people but the bride and groom will be inviting everybody.
I am biting my tongue writing this message and feeling rather petty but put out

MissAdventure Tue 28-Aug-18 19:27:01

Would you feel put out if you hadn't paid for almost the whole wedding?
I'm just wondering if you feel you should have more say in how things are going to be?
Its not a criticism, by the way. smile

Iam64 Tue 28-Aug-18 19:33:18

We contributed to our daughter's wedding, as did the groom's parents. It didn't occur to any of us that the Bride's family got priority in choosing guests. We left to the young couple, who were careful to ensure equal numbers guests from both "sides".
I hope this doesn't spoil the joy of the event.

Arwen250 Tue 28-Aug-18 19:33:24

Yes, I would still feel put out, it’s not our fault that we don’t have any extended family and our friends make up for that and whilst I don’t expect all of them to be invited I’m being told that they can’t be accommodated whereas distant cousins on the groom’s side are way up on the invitation list.
I just feel that our ‘my’ input is disregarded at every turn

Buffybee Tue 28-Aug-18 19:34:28

Just let it go! As the song says!
It's their day, let them do whatever they want and just go along with it with good Grace and happiness for them.
Anything else would be disaster!
So don't!!!!!!!!

JudyJudy12 Tue 28-Aug-18 19:51:07

I do not mean to be harsh but it is their wedding, very nice of you to pay for it but it should be without strings.

Melanieeastanglia Tue 28-Aug-18 20:01:35

I think I agree with JudyJudy12.

I do hope everything gets resolved and that the Wedding goes well.

If it's any help to you, I would not expect to be invited to the weddings of my friends' children. However, I accept that everybody is different.

Grammaretto Tue 28-Aug-18 20:07:22

Hmm. I have some sympathy for you . It isn't soon so maybe time to adapt the invitation list and allow a number of your friends - surely.

We've had several weddings amongst our DC but I am still paying for DD's on my credit card. Every time the statement comes I'm reminded that I offered to pay and it added up although they were not unreasonable and his DPs paid for the bar and other things.
Luckily the families were quite even but my friends could only come at night because of lack of space as well as cost.
Our own wedding was so small and cheap I think the whole business is out of hand!

Diana54 Tue 28-Aug-18 20:11:00

You don't say what kind of ceremony it is, civil or church wedding, it's not unreasonable to ask for a few close friends to be invited, especially if it is going to be a large church ceremony. There certainly were friends of the parents at the last wedding I went to, you are the brides mother and you should have a say.
Go back to your daughter, give her a list of who you want invited and point out who's paying, you are being taken for granted!.

Bluegal Tue 28-Aug-18 20:33:56

Arwen250 FWIW I think you have to move away from 'the traditional'. Most couples live together before the wedding these days and most will organise their wedding in the way they want it and not how mum wants it. Perhaps wanting to invite your friends (in her mind) is turning it into YOUR day rather than HER day? Just a point.

Personally I would just let them get on with it in any way they choose. You do seem to have given money upfront rather early or is that how its done? I don't know because all mine did their own thing and I just asked where and when ha ha.

What am getting at is I really don't think you should interfere with the arrangements in any way....her day..her way. Just relax and enjoy!

Craicon Tue 28-Aug-18 20:50:04

Surely the guest list should be drawn up by the bride and groom and would usually include their family and friends.
Why on earth would you expect a number of strangers (to them), be invited to celebrate their wedding?
You were very generous to offer a substantial sum to help pay for their wedding but it’s not your wedding, so I think it should be a gift with no strings attached.
Must admit, I’m someone who finds big weddings a dreadful waste of money, but they’re still very popular here in Ireland.

Beau Tue 28-Aug-18 20:56:42

Yes, I would feel very put out if I had paid - my DD and SIL invited people to their tiny but beautiful wedding themselves (they wanted no costs incurred by any guests so all were told no gifts and overnight accommodation at the venue was paid for) but as they paid for everything themselves that was completely right. If I was paying I would want input - your family will be totally outnumbered, I think it will feel awkward for you. If they were paying themselves then obviously they could do as they pleased. I have never been married and know nothing of the traditions but that's just how it feels to me.

muffinthemoo Tue 28-Aug-18 21:02:37

Few things for you to ponder:

- Is your expectation that ‘your side’ should make up more or less 50% of the invite list?

- Did you expect the invitation to come from you because you are paying more than half/most of the cost? Would you have expected to be listed as the hosts if you had made a small/no contribution?

- what would your expectations around ‘your input’ look like if you were making no financial contribution to the wedding at all?

- It’s around two years until the wedding. How would DD and partner finance the shortfall if you withdrew your offer of funding at this point? Would they cancel and rebook for a smaller affair, perhaps abroad or a planned elopement?

M0nica Tue 28-Aug-18 21:20:34

Whatever the rights and wrongs, the bride and groom are being thoughtless and selfish for not realising their plans for the invite list may ruffle a few feathers and that the as the bride's family are paying the bulk of the costs, even though the bride and groom will stick to their choices for the invite list, the whole thing could have been handled with more tact and thought for other people's feelings.

MargaretX Tue 28-Aug-18 21:24:01

Is 2010 the correct date? It seems far too early to be inviting people who knows who is still together in over a year's time. If they want to get married then they should do it but not take 2 years planning it. Its bound to be a let down after all that time and all the people who have been upset because not invited, have to carry this hurt with them until the dreaded ceremony is over and done with.
I understand the couple have made their plans but its too early for invitations and for paying for it.

muffinthemoo Tue 28-Aug-18 21:28:19

Margaret I assume they are working on a draft invite list to figure out the numbers of guests, as that will affect their choice of venue (capacity issue) and also the cost (since catering will be per head).

The actual formal invitations should be issued six to eight weeks before the wedding, no sooner.

paddyann Tue 28-Aug-18 22:41:56

They'll be sending out save the date cards so guests can book time off work if necessary or work it round holidays etc.Most couples send these out a year in advance .My daughters first husbands family was massive ,we have less than 40 including mine and my OH's sisters and their partners .The close family of my ex SIL was more than double ours .We paid for everything ,it wasn't with strings it wasn't OUR day .We paid for our daughter to have the wedding she wanted .End of.I certainly wouldn't have expected her to invite friends of ours ,why should she ?

Grammaretto Tue 28-Aug-18 22:46:46

Margaret It is strange but true, nowadays some popular venues get booked up years in advance. When my DS announced his engagement, I assumed the wedding would be soon but there was an 18 month build up at least and even then they had to take a cancellation.

SpringyChicken Tue 28-Aug-18 23:21:08

To expect the numbers to be 'evened up' by inviting your friends seems wrong to me, Arven. How would you feel if yours was the larger family - would you want the in-laws-to-be to have their friends coming along?
Our daughter married a few years ago, she and her fiancé drew up the guest list, sent out invites and received the replies. That's how it seems to be done these days. My husband and I wouldn't have wanted to impose our wishes on them, it wasn't our wedding. It was irrelevant that we were paying for it.

SpringyChicken Tue 28-Aug-18 23:21:54

Sorry, Arwen not Arven.

BlueBelle Tue 28-Aug-18 23:48:29

Oh the worries of these very expensive weddings these days

I was very lucky all my kids were established and working and paid for and arranged their own weddings I just bought some clothes and turned up

SueDonim Tue 28-Aug-18 23:56:24

When my Dd got married we helped out financially, although I have no idea what the total cost of the wedding was.

Her dh has a massive family, (sixteen aunts & uncles, cousins without number!) whereas we don't, so my dd & groom split the invitation list three ways; one third of invitations for the bride's side, one third for the groom's side and one third for joint bride & groom guests.

They stipulated no horse trading, either. grin If any side couldn't fill their quota, it couldn't be reallocated to anyone else's side. It all worked out pretty well.

stella1949 Tue 28-Aug-18 23:57:58

Why would you expect to invite your friends to your DD's wedding ? Weddings are for the bride and groom, not for the parents to party with their own friends.

Let it go - and stop thinking that just because you've given them money, that they should now allow you to invite all your friends along.

I paid for my DD's wedding completely, but I didn't expect to invite my own friends to it - it wasn't my wedding . I suggest that you do the same or you'll end up looking very petty and demanding. Don't spoil things for your DD - you've had your wedding years ago, now let her have hers.

Arwen250 Wed 29-Aug-18 03:09:47

Sorry for banging on but I can’t sleep as it’s going round and round in my head. First off I thank you all for your comments and I have taken on board what you all have to say. As some have you have mentioned about it being too soon to invite people, I agree it is but we need to know a rough ballpark figure for when we look at venues and as popular places get booked up years in advance we are looking now to see what’s on offer. I must add here that the mother of the groom is not interested in any of the wedding plans. As I have previously mentioned they have a large family whereas ours is small, and I would think the fairest thing would be the allocation of numbers to each side plus friends of the couple. However, I have been told that the ‘other side’ for want of a better phrase will get the main portion because of their kin. I must just add that my niece and two nephews will be getting invitations but my daughter hopes they will decline because she doesn’t like them. She has also told me she has allocated me invites for two couples she has picked out for me, these being my best friend who happens to be her godmother who we know won’t attend because they live too far away and the other couple are the parents of one of her friends who we are not close too, I meet up with the mother once in a while for a coffee and a catch up. Also when I asked if the mil would be asking to invite her friends I was told she could do that if she paid for them. Atm there has been no mention of them chipping in for the wedding which I’m fine with. When I asked my daughter if she had put my aunty who I am very close to on the list, she said no but she would consider her for an evening invite. The friends I would like to ask are two couples who have seen my dd grow and who she is very familiar with, it’s not like I’m asking all and sundry. Still I suppose I must put up and shut up. Rant over, maybe I can get some sleep now?

agnurse Wed 29-Aug-18 05:12:50

Our wedding was made up almost exclusively of my side of the family. We had only invited family and very close friends as I have a HUGE extended family (24 aunts and uncles and 46 first cousins, plus some cousins are married and have children). We invited our immediate families and our parents' siblings and our first cousins, plus we had three or four couples who had seen me grow up and Hubby had his godparents and their family, plus another couple who are friends of ours (the husband was one of Hubby's groomsmen). None of Hubby's family could come as they live in the UK and we were married in Canada. We still had a blast. We didn't have "sides" of the aisle - people just sat wherever. During our reception we greeted our guests as a couple.

Frankly, I think your aunt would be too distant of a relative to invite. I know that's how I felt as a bride. At the end of the day, this is THEIR wedding. Not yours.