Wedding woes

I'm afraid we'll have to agree to differ. I don't see how a wedding can be anything other than a family occasion if you belong to a family.

I think if it's totally their day they should pay for it. The idea that a parent pays lots of money then is disregarded is quite wrong. The young seem to have such a sense of entitlement. Rather unrealistic and not helpful to a happy life.

The wedding juggernaut seems a bit like the Christmas juggernaut.

annep Some things do change. It's not a family occasion any more. Unless you live in the same city/town/county or country you always have done and are happily in each other's pockets as are the couple having the wedding. Most couples now marry in their late twenties or early thirties, very many have moved away from their native area, and a large number have rarely met their relations beyond immediate family. I plan to contribute to my DCs' weddings BUT I would not expect them to invite relations or friends of mine they don't know. I would expect to be asked whom I might like given a certain number and where I might like to sit - which is where I think the OP and her DD have broken down in terms of communications.

Sorry Paddyann but if my daughter tells me she's having a wedding that to me isnt a wedding and I tell her that's lovely, even though I'm disappointed that my only much-loved daughter is getting married without me there, I feel I'm entitled to feel sad. But I congratulated them and said there's some money to buy something nice to wear on your wedding day. No photos, not even told the exact date. Did I utter a word? No! I think I did well. I cnt even send a wedding anniversary card.
My children don't live by my rules. They make their own decisions. not always wisely I may add - son has cost me a lot of money many times helping him out of mistakes. Thankfully he now has a partner. I don't have to worry about him now.

annep I got married 43 years ago,we got money as a gift from my mothers next door neighbour,it wasfor a fridge freezer Thats what they told us and thats what we went out to buy .We came home with a chess set! The upside is we've had many fridges and freezers in our married life and only one much loved chess set.You cant/shouldn't give money gifts with strings attached.People have minds of their own ,surely you dont want your AC to live by your rules forever they must do what THEY want .Just like we and probab;y you did .
Wedding nowadys are not what they were and as a photographer who has taken thousands I can be sure of that.Its ALL about the couple now ,what they want comes first ,last and everything inbetween.The days when mums and dads got a say in any of it have long gone.Just enjoy the day and be glad you didn't have to do the organising .

I think I misrepresented myself a bit. I don't actually alwaystell my children how I feel but inside I do feel parents wishes should be heeded more. I guess I was brought up in an era when that was the norm. My children rarely ask for advice and do things their own way. My daughter -already living with partner- got married in a register office with 2 friends as witnesses. Her husbands parents live beside them and weren't invited. Nor were we. I gave her money for a wedding outfit which she told me she spent on (v expensive) denim jeans which she normally couldnt afford!
I guess its gone so much the other way now that parents feel a bit used because we are often only important when needed.. I do however still feel a wedding is a family occasion for everyone to rejoice together and instead of being told how it is should be asked is there anyone you would specially like to come.

Exactly!!!!

Who was it who said Phew I'm not invited
That would be me. A dear friend whom we've known since our kids were small, apologised yesterday that we would not get an invite to her DD's wedding.
I hope she knows that I am truly not offended. Its not just the cost but it is the couple's day.
I will give them a present because I want to., but thank heavens I don't have to get an outfit or pay for accommodation.

Yes - you are right about the core issue, but the point I am trying to make is that it should never have become an 'issue' in the first place. The romantic 'dream' of many young women these days is usually based on some skewed idea that comes from seeing it on social media. Truly romantic occasions, I think, come from the unexpected, not what has become the norm. I think oldbatty is correct. Why do we place so much importance on perceived wealth and status? Especially when it causes so much grief.
Who is the wedding for? Is it the young couple or is it the assorted relations, friends and any hangers on? If you hand over money like that it will be spent, and not necessarily on what was intended. I haven't got much sympathy there. But if the money was to buy a house or for the two of them to travel the world I could understand. I think the older generations should be encouraging the younger to break free of the materialistic attitude that dominates life today.

A big wedding may not be practical moneywise, but it's a romantic 'dream' for many, especially young women. If a big wedding is important to someone, its value becomes subjective.

The core issue here is that the OP has given DD a generous amount of money to make her dream come true. In light of all the invitations going out , afew extra places should not be lot to ask.

Bluegal, you hit the nail on the head for me. I have really struggled over the last six years to keep my opinions to myself about our son's choices, especially with his minimalist ideas regarding his graduation, his wedding,
and not christening our little GS. My DH has kept his own counsel. DS has never wanted any grand spectacles, yet we have all shared some really special times. I now feel glad that they don't feel pressured to do things in the same way as everyone else. That is what weddings have become - a huge pressure to have it all - my two nieces had very grand affairs, which were eye-wateringly expensive. I read somewhere that when your children are small you give them roots, but when they grow you give them wings, hopefully to fly and not follow the crowd.

I think this is all a bit sad really. How we have come to value wealth and show.

Also bride and groom Sent out the invites on both occasions, I think it's the norm now , it is their day after all

Both my sons are married, the youngest just last week and both families and also the bride and groom contributed equally on both occasions. The guest list was split equally between bride and grooms family , we had those we had to invite and then those we would like to , anyone else had evening invites only, you simply cannot have everyone unless funds are unlimited!

Weddings will always cause friction but we said if family and friends cannot just be happy for you and understand then maybe they shouldn't be on the guest list anyway, just go with the flow and enjoy the day thats the important thing

annep One step forward is recognising it lol. You asked why parents had to make adjustments to save relationships and not children? Probably because it is THEIR lives and not ours? possibly?

Too may parents - mother's in particular - feel they are top dog...always. My mantra is ...do all you can when they are children then let them fly! Job done! Leave them to whatever they choose to do.

Doesn't mean I will be treated as an under dog or be blackmailed. I can function without them and let them get on with whatever they want to do (whether I agree or not is another matter but I keep my own council)

Result is...I am rarely stressed by my kids and they come back to me time and again for advice/support. Never any fall outs. Sometimes it IS hard accepting our children are adults and do not need us any more but in my experience they ALWAYS need you - just in different ways. No need to dictate or shout the odds eh?

My parents paid for most of our wedding but that's because they WANTED to do that. We are six kids but only two girls and my sister and BIL had a very simple wedding which they paid for themselves. Our family wasn't able to attend. This was my parents' only chance to be able to organize a nice wedding for one of their daughters. We didn't have it super extravagant though. My parents didn't dictate the guest list to us.

I'm clearly a bossy mother according to these posts.. I must rethink......

its like the dowry system isnt really? and being 'given away'

oldbatty and BlueBelle have to say I agree with you both. Has Arwen come back at all? Not sure if I've missed it but I don't understand how money has been passed over so early (other than maybe a deposit for venue perhaps?)

IF you have given your daughter money up front Arwen then ...so be it! Personally I would have stepped back and seen just what your daughter wanted and given her money appropriately or as you deemed fit?

I would never ever feel like it was years ago...when parents of the bride called the shots. Yes, you can 'ask' if certain people can be included but not be offended if they say no.-

In fact I got married in 1979 and even then I decided who was going to be invited and who wasn't so it isn't just a new thing exactly.

I dont think it is reasonable for a woman in the 21st century to expect some antiquated rules to apply.

If they want an expensive wedding they should pay.

Agnurse, you had a lot of support from your family, Arwen hasn't, so different scenario. I do think Arwen, that you have to let it go and just enjoy the day knowing you have enabled you daughter to have her dream day. Have you no family,just you and your husband? If that is the case, I am sorry, I am sure your daughter would understand you wanting your friends closest to you there, however at the end of it's their day, if it was me I would want you to have friends with you, but everyone's different and it's not worth bad feeling. Looking at Megan and Harry's wedding,mix thought it sad that Megan just had her mom there out of her big family.

PMSL muffinthemoo sorry but you do make me laugh...
Am I wrong or are you a young person? I seem to have it in the back of my mind that you are not a granny? But maybe got it wrong. Either way, I love reading your posts x

I am guessing 'auntie' was quite a character? Maybe she was laughing at the mayhem she left behind?

Well we were allocated a set number of guests as were the bride's parents and we drew up a list in order of priority , obviously close family first. Hardly room for any friends as we are a big family. The couple theselves were inviting friends too of course. Seemed fair to me. Gone are the days when bride & groom's parents invited lots of their own friends and distant family and quite right too . It's the young couple's day!

trisher oh that auntie passed a away a couple of years ago. Many relatives had been promised her estate in full but told to “keep it quiet”.

It came out on her death she had left the entire lot to her hairdresser ? The drama at the funeral was incredible.

(I cannot for the life of me explain what it is my family has about hairdressers.)