How much independence is....

If there are small things the family can do let them as I'm sure they are feeling it's been a bit of a one way street with you putting in all the support and help and not much coming back the other way. Make sure they know when the time comes and you do need some help you will ask for it and very much appreciate it.

Please let your family help sometimes. My mother-in-law was fiercely independent and refused all offers of help. It upset us dreadfully knowing that we could have made her life so much more comfortable for her if she had let us. Eventually she had a fall trying to do something that would have taken my husband 2 minutes, this led to pneumonia and she died. We were absolutely devastated and to this day say 'If only she had asked for help'

Have you actually explained how you feel to your family...you have not mentioned this in your post.
Perhaps this is the way to go...plus occasionally letting yourself be helped once in a while.
People actually like to feel needed.

I will swap places with you any day.!

DH and I do a lot for our DD and DGD - practically, financially, emotionally - and we are “always there” for them. In return they do a lot for us - mostly practically - because that way they don’t feel beholden. It’s a two-way street. So try to accept a little help OP, especially as your DD wants to give it.

I know just how you feel, Chaos but with me it is money. My DS is just beginning to make a name for himself in his chosen field after many years of financial help from both me and his father. The last couple of times he has visited he has been out shopping for groceries and also once, with the help of his sister who still lives with me, "tricked" me into accepting a meal out when I had invited them at my expense by paying the bill whilst DD distracted me in the ladies for an inordinate amount of time towards the end of it!
Sending the money to his account to cover it simply resulted in a case of bank account, "ping pong" over a few days until I gave in, I'd like to say gracefully but, unfortunately, not.
I have come to discover that it is important to him to begin to repay a little of the support freely and lovingly given over the years and that it bolsters his sense of pride in his achievements to do so. (He has worked inordinately hard over the years to get to where he is in his chosen career.)
Looking back, I did much the same for my own mother who was, like me, left divorced and struggling on a low income after more than 30 years of marriage too.
I think it's MY pride that forces me to insist that I can cope and I don't need any help but the truth is that, much as I love to have my older children visit it DOES put a strain on my limited budget and I have to admit that he CAN afford to give me the occasional treat and he wants to do so.
I am working on swallowing my pride and being more accepting of the gifts a loving and grateful son wishes to bestow on me now he is grown to manhood.

You are right to accept your son's treats NoddingGangan It gives him pleasure to do this. Don't make it into a big issue, I have learned this as well . There is pleasure in giving and receiving. We are lucky to have families who care enough to do this, some posts on GN tell a completely different story sadly.

gangan you're right about pride.
Not long ago my DD insisted that she was paying for lunch while DS was buying drinks. I tried to argue but as she very kindly pointed out, her monthly income is more than mine, so she can happily buy an occasional meal out. She then added that she knew I 'd still be there to help if they had a real problem (something that no longer happens!
In practical terms I 'm glad I taught DS the art of hanging wallpaper a few years ago and am proud to see him redecorate room by room their 'new' old house!

Why can't you be grateful to have someone who cares instead of moaning?

I think you are very lucky that they offer to help, you have said you are happy to help them so they have learnt that it’s a good thing to help others. You have obviously raised unselfish kids of whom you should be proud, not complaining that they want to help! I would be over the moon if my children offered to cut my hedges.....I struggle and they just say I should pay someone to do them!

I think it's important for all of us to be as independent for as long as possible- once we start depending on other people, it seems to be a slippery slope (but I don't know, I've got that bit ahead of me).
Your family sounds lovely, but I agree that there will come a time when more help will be needed. Until then, keep them coming round, and enjoy their company, not watching them cut the hedge!

You need to accept as well as give.

I'm with your daughters on this. By refusing all their offers to do odd jobs, drive you anywhere etc, while you help them with lots of things, you are placing a quite burden on them.

Your DDs and SILs obviously are the kind of people who don't feel comfortable taking favours, offers of help etc. and doing nothing in return.

Please, do let them help you with some of the tasks you least want to do yourself. Otherwise, they will probably stop offering to help, but still feel guilty about accepting your help and that could very well sour your good relationship with them all.

Yet another sour comment mabon.
No-one is moaning!
Can't you see that many of us are reluctantly accepting that the ageing process is catching up with us?
There is no post that expresses ingratitude or nastiness. Either you haven't experienced it in your own life or are simply insensitive to the feelings of others.

I think once you get older they would feel better if you were in a home then they would not have to worry.

I have worried about people in the past to the extent of calling Soc Servs. Their response was that people have the right to live as they think fit, even if they are endangering themselves, as long as compos mentis.

A fine balance - if you refuse to get an alarm around your neck or support rails etc you could end up needing far more support than what those things offer. As for DIY, gardening, changing lightbulbs...

My DD and SIL are very worried about his Mum as she always is so independent even when it’s apparent that she needs help. So total independence does have an adverse effect when loved ones won’t let others help. There are so many people who never get an offer of help, so best to meet them halfway then they will also feel they are in a way repaying you for all your past help.

Agree re pleasure in helping. When my DDs and families they always ask if there are any jobs, or rather my SILs do and I now save jobs involving ladders for them. On the other hand am careful never to dump everyday chores on them.

When my disabled husband passed away in the spring all my children and step children rallied round and I was very grateful. On one occasion when I was going to pay for a meal out, my tepdaughter’s husband said let us do it, it gives us pleasure to treat you. On another occasion my eldest daughter said you have spent years doing things for us - now it’s our turn!
So maybe it’s good to accept help gracefully!

Why not let your SiL do the odd small job once every 6 weeks or so, trimming the hedge or a half hour job, rewarded with a hearty 'Thank you' plus tea and cake.
That should satify everyone.

Just tell your family that you are fine and can manage at the moment but that are storing up all their good will for when you are older and really need it.

Thank you, everyone.

I am definitely not moaning! I said at the start that I am very very lucky, and I count blessings daily. There are no arguments happening around this - and I am glad DD feels able to raise her feelings openly when we talk.
Those who have said we are obviously alike are quite right! We just see this from very different perspectives, hence wanting to throw open a discussion with a wider audience.

Genuinely, I just wanted to know if I was wrong in thinking that while I can "do", then their precious time together in a very hectic life is better spent on their own little family time, than in doing jobs for me. I would reiterate that I am still relatively young and would probably feel less guilt about saying yes if they felt they should offer similar support to SILs parents who are the same age, but a couple.

I have taken a lot of your input on board and do indeed need to swallow pride and allow them to feel they help.
Saving up small jobs is definitely the way to go

I think you are only being unreasonable if, in not accepting help, you are causing more worry and work for you AC. My DM, who has barely risen from her bed in the last 4 years, is adamant she does not need any help from anyone (as we all run around doing the stuff she doesn't do) but when she insists on going in the garden without her walker, falls over and knocks herself out, she patently obviously does need help. Instead of waiting for one of us to get the walker which would have taken 5 minutes we now have weeks of work ferrying her to medical appointments, moving her to a downstairs room, etc whilst she is still insisting that she doesn't need any help at all from anybody. That is being unreasonable.
If you are able to do the things you turn down help for without hurting yourself (or others) then you are not being unreasonable. However, some people like to feel wanted but that is more about their needs than yours.

I am not sure that independence is the issue here really! Your daughter saying that it is a "two way street" is very telling and really gets to the nub of the problem from their perspective! They love you and care for you. They are grateful for all you have done for them. In the same way as you have shown your love for them through your care and your help they want to show that to you. I think you need to think of ways that they can help you so that they feel needed and that there is mutual caring and consideration in your relationship.
Be honest with yourself - what little jobs might you be able to ask them to do ...that you perhaps do find a bit onerous these days? Or ask for a bit of help choosing something for the house or garden maybe, a bit of carrying of compost bags or something!! They WANT to help!! It is not really for you to decide that they cant because they need time together! That is for them to decide - together!!

This is a really interesting and helpful thread.
I am very independent and never ask for help. My DD and son-in-law lead very busy lives. and consequently I look after my GC as and when required.
I am aware that I have slowed down a bit with age and I was recently wondering if DD and SIL would be willing and able to help if I ever needed assistance.
Well, Lo and Behold I broke my ankle when out walking last week and had to phone my daughter. She called an ambulance and stayed in hospital with me all day and brought me home. We returned for my surgery 2 days later and DD and Son-in law have overwhelmed me with their kindness. The important thing I've discovered is that they are very happy to help.

I am still independent in the sense that I am able to walk, go shopping, pay my bills, have no health conditions or regular medications, etc. but I am always grateful if my daughter, son-in-law and older grandchildren offer to help with something – a lift to somewhere where they are already going and I have a need to be, carrying something heavy even though I can lift it myself, pulling up some weeds (strong and enthusiastic 10-year-old grandson) in my everlasting battle in a garden that is really a little bit too large for one person to manage (Mr absent has developed serious rheumatoid arthritis). Even the three-year-old loves to water the plants – with the hose in the summer and the pot plants with his elephant watering can in the spring. I do lots of stuff for them – care for the children after school, help out when there is a financial blip, do their ironing, etc. I do these things joyously – much as I hate ironing – so perhaps they do things for me joyously too. This kind of help is a gift freely given – I think it it should be freely accepted.