Granddaughter ‘s Wedding

Totally agree just to leave it lie OP - and I rather suspect you'll be asked to help when this wonderful wedding leads nowhere. She's clearly been looking for male approval from her dad and now her new husband - or so I suspect - but marriage at 20 isn't going to be a walk in the park. You've done your bit in a big way, so just wait for her to contact you, don't express your anger and be enthusiastic about whatever she does. The same goes for your DD. Better to keep lines of communication open, however disappointed and understandably hurt you both feel.

You are obviously all very hurt and it is a bitter pill to swallow when you have done so much. However, I don't think there is anything to be gained by her having to effectively choose either of her parents which she has to if you want her to see her father as you perceive him. As hard as it is, it is sometimes better to keep quiet and let her come to her own conclusions in her own time. If anything, she is more likely to think he is more wonderful every time you remind her of his failings.
Twenty is so young and they are so sure they know it all. The average brain doesn't mature until you are aged 22-23 and the empathy area is apparently one of the last things to get there so it may not be in your GD's remit to see things in the same way as you. Add in a dose of dysfunctional family to the mix which may delay emotional maturity and it isn't likely that your GD will be empathetic to her mother's feelings. Say little whilst she is trying to find her place in the world which in the long run probably won't be where she is now and hopefully you will get the relationship back with her. Don't choose between your GD and DD, you have room enough for both of them. The only way you will ever have any influence to help your GD become a better person is by being there for her. That doesn't mean you don't have to be there for her Mum.

If you now know of the alleged abuse, did you not know about it when your daughter was dating her ex husband?

Personally I think I would do just that Blossomsmum. Walk away, give her time.

Her actions are hurtful am sure and am not minimising this but I also know that there may be underlying issues that are yet to be sorted. Not looking for affirmation but maybe she was aware of how much your family resented her father (even though you facilitated access)?. Perhaps father's family have sown other seeds in her head? Maybe she felt totally torn? You know the saying "you always hurt the ones you love"? Not sure why this is so.......but like others I do think your GD will eventually realise what she has lost. If she doesn't well then you are well on your way to enjoying your life without her in it.

It IS sad when you do so much for a child and they turn their backs but children do not actually owe us anything do they? We do our best and that is all we can do.

I have decided to walk away . Thinking back over the last year or so the only time we saw her was when she wanted something so I don’t think I will miss her
I agree that there is no point in trying to get her to understand how she has hurt all of us . I think that she will only regret her actions when she comes to any of us for something and gets told no .
Thank you all for letting me vent . I have tried to keep things calm here but sometimes it gets me so frustrated that I feel like phoning her and screaming at her ?

This sounds such hurtful, spiteful behaviour and it is easy to see why you feel so unhappy. However, as many have said, she is just twenty and may well not realise quite how much she has hurt her true family. Craicon has really said just what I think too. It is surprising how a young person can wake up to reality when they really do start to mature and look outside of themselves; stay calm and kind towards her and if you can avoid saying anything about hurt and feelings now it might serve everyone well in the future.

20 is still very young and she sounds quite immature so I’d leave it for now and wait for her to grow up a bit more. I’m sure in time, she’ll realise what a great parent her mum was to her when she was young, especially, if she has children of her own. However, it might take a few years for that to happen so I’d play it cool with her for now and keep low contact.

Blossommum, you say you are going to walk away from this situation, and I think that is the most sensible thing you can do right now.

By the standards of our generation, a lot of the young people from age 18 - 40 are self-centred and inconsiderate of others, but I do clearly remember my mother telling me when I was 21 or 22 that my former school friends and I thought we knew it all and felt entitled to express our views, whether we hurt our parents or not!

The difference was that I, and I believe most of my contempories, felt hurt by such remarks from our mothers, apologised, even although we felt we really had no need to do so, and tried to not air views we knew were in direct opposition to our parents'. The present young generation gets angry rather than hurt if we say anything, and don't make any attempt to be conciliating.

I hope in time the young woman becomes wiser, more considerate, and realises she wants to know her mother and all her mother's side of the family.

I frankly don't think it will do one jot of good if you tell her how much she has hurt you all, but I must admit, I would find it hard not to do so in your place.

Speechless at this hurtful behaviour, has she been manipulated by her father knowing that this is the best way to get back at you all ? Def clear the air with her, try to build some bridges and ask her why etc ....so that you can understand her decisions.

She knows exactly how much her actions have upset everyone and her attitude was that we were lucky to have been invited at all !
We were the ones that kept her relationship with her father alive while she was growing up , arranging contact , sorting out getting her and her brothers there even making sure that they had clothes and were fed when they were there
She knows that her father drove them away from their home in this area because he stalked her mum and broke into the house repeatedly. She knows that her grandfather sexually abused her fathers sisters and his photo was on the top table in a place of honour !
Her aunts and uncles bought her computer s and special equipment when she was at college because she is dyslexic . And that was when she was living with her father and he refused to help They took her to London for theatre for theatre trips , she was bridesmaid at their weddings , they have always been there for her .
I just don’t understand how she has become this person !

labasz and Hm999 absolutely right in my opinion!

You might, perhaps, ask your grand-daughter to give you some (quiet and uninterrupted!) time to listen to your (gentle) explanation of how this whole situation has made you and her mother feel - and then leave it! Don't let her escalate it into an argument. You cannot tell her what to do - you can tell her how you feel. Hopefully, she will then mull over some of the things you have said - and as time goes on things will improve.

In his late teens my son chose to live with his (somewhat unreliable) father and father's new partner (more money/more fun there, apparently) which was very hurtful for me at the time. Friends said - don't worry - let it go - he'll learn!
He did. He knows now for certain from his own experience that I was the more dependable parent and says often that I was the one who was always there for him. If you don't allow a permanent split now, your grand-daughter will very likely come to see the same is true for you and her mother. Good luck

It's sad when the separation of parents leads to such distances between maternal and paternal sides of the family. I don't dispute your comments about the father doing little or nothing as the children grew up in saying that.
This bride is in today's terms, little more than a child herself. My generation were often married by age 18 but these days it's more likely to be ten years, or more, later than that.
It's most likely the bride has little if any idea how much distress this wedding has caused to her mothers side of the family.
It's up to you OP, if you feel your relationship with your granddaughter is over. I'm with those who say take a deep breath, wait a while and when the opportunity arises, help your daughter re-build the relationship with her daughter. I hope that's possible but realise it may not be.

Very little chance of my daughter letting her back into her life . She cut herself off from her older sister and brother years ago in her 30s and has stuck to that even though we have tried to mend the rift ( my daughter is one of our adopted children and it was an open adoption when she was 15 with her still seeing her siblings ) . If it comes to a choice between my daughter and granddaughter my daughter will be the winner .

Rebuild your relationship with yoir granddaughter for the future. Let your daughter vent to you. Help her rebuild her relationship with her daughter.

She's allowed herself to be overly influenced by her father's AND her husband's side just now. Give it time.

labaz is right. And she's still young. The important thing is not to let it get you down and cause an unhealed rift.

Sadly I doubt if I will ever feel the same way about her ever again and certainly won’t trust her in future .

been there with this one daddy is the so and so who did nothing then waltzes back in their life and he is mr wonderful. at the moment she is seeing him through rosey coloured glasses and though her behaviour was at least rude and at the most spiteful i am sure it was not done to be malicious but more carried away by this wonderful person one day i am sure she will feel ashamed of the way she acted

Yes they were included , it’s a big vestry and they are not bothered that she is behaving in this way toward her mum as they are friendly with her father .
. It is as if her mum didn’t have a family and our family isn’t good enough for her . Even her aunts and uncles who have very good jobs including a dr and a solicitor were made to feel as one of them said “like poor relations invited on sufferance to the wedding of the lady of the manors wedding “
Unfortunately this isn’t the only time she has been horrible . She has told her older brother that he isn’t good enough to be part of her life ! He and his partner have a lovely home and three beautiful children and their father has completely ignored them and his grandchildren .
I am just bewildered how someone who was a loving , happy girl could turn into such a selfish little snob !
Anyway rant over . I am walking away from the situation with her . I am very fortunate in that I have many grandchildren who are lovely .

Perhaps you could have a calm, gentle word with your DGD. You don’t want this to fester more and cause a rift and she may not realise the hurt she has caused. Often those who do most and give most love are those taken for granted while those who do least are the ones who wheedle their way in. Where were her new husband’s family? They surely couldn’t have crammed in to see the signing too.

It was thoughtless of her to have done this but it mustn’t be allowed to wreck your future relationship.

She hasn’t lived with her father for over two years and when she left it was because her stepmother made her life hell . She wasn’t able to use the washing machine , not allowed to cook and was expected to keep her room immaculate at all times . She was constantly here complaining bitterly that he was spineless and never tried to support her . She was also expected to pay her way while in college to a ridiculous extent .

Daddy didn’t pay a penny toward the wedding , Her mum did and they paid the rest . They have their own house and both have good jobs .

Same age as I was when we got married .

More angry on my daughters behalf than ours . She put the kids first while her ex avoided any responsibility for them financially or otherwise including ignoring her pleas to help with their youngest who has ADHD .
Karma working where his sons are concerned as they refuse to have anything to do with him .

ALL her fathers side of the family were invited in to see it .