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Granddaughter ‘s Wedding

(32 Posts)
Blossomsmum Sat 08-Sep-18 18:57:21

I just need to vent . My daughter is one of our adopted children . She and her husband split up when the children were small and we helped her to bring them up financially, by organising contact with their father , taking them on holiday and everything else that grandparents can do . Their father grudged every penny he had to spend on them and never attended school meetings or appointments about his sons ADHD . We have a very close relationship with our daughter .
When my granddaughter was 16 she went to live with her father because she wanted to attend a college local to him . We still had a good relationship with her but didn’t see her very often nor did her mum .
She is now 20 and got married a few weeks ago . Her mum was pretty much excluded from the wedding arrangements and was hurt by this but I persuaded her to at least attend the actual ceremony as I felt she would regret not going .
Now I wish we hadn’t gone either , We , her grandparents and aunts and uncles , who had played a big part in her life were pushed to the back of the church , didn’t get invited in to see the signing of the register and we were not included in a single wedding picture . Her mum is in one photo and that was it . Everything was about her father and his family including having his parents photos (who she hardly know because the grandfather sexually abused his daughters and beat his sons ) on the top table .
She has re written history and daddy is wonderful !
I am so angry and hurt by her behaviour .

aggie Sat 08-Sep-18 19:09:54

that is very sad , hard to say , but let it go for your own peace , karma will come to bite her

jenpax Sat 08-Sep-18 19:11:26

She is still very young and barely out of her teens! She probably will mature and come to see that her freezing out of those who love her and have cared for her is to her own detriment! I especially think that this will be the case if she has children of her own

paddyann Sat 08-Sep-18 21:25:17

Usually its just the parents and the witnesses who see the signing of the register so dont think you were treated badly over that.As someone else said she's still young and the young think they know it all so she did it her way.
Dont tell her you 're upset or angry it will just fuel the fire and make sure she's always welcome to come back to you...because one day she will

Melanieeastanglia Sat 08-Sep-18 21:26:09

I do feel sorry for you. Perhaps her father has reinvented history and portrayed himself in a different light.

I imagine it can sometimes be hard for children (even when they are adults) to know what to believe if they were young when their parents separated.

That is no comfort for you but human nature is what it is, even though it is hard for you, your daughter and extended family.

I hope that you are able to be on good terms with your granddaughter in the future.

Bikerhiker Sat 08-Sep-18 22:07:00

I'm so sorry to here that Blossomsmum. People can be so unbelievably hurtful. It sounds as if your DGD has been swept along by her father's family. I would say that they are more to blame as they are the adults in this and should have more consideration. Your DGD just wanted to get married and clearly did not think beyond that. She is at what can be a very selfish age where she expects everyone else to sort of fit in and not mind. However, I think it should be tackled with her so that she understands and is more considerate for the future.

stella1949 Sun 09-Sep-18 05:15:22

Just a thought - maybe "Daddy" paid for the whole wedding. Perhaps that might explain why his family featured so prominently on the day.

Normally only the chief bridesmaid and the best man witness the signing of the register - I wouldn't take offense at being left out of that.

Otherwise, I'd say just move on . Young people are often very self-absorbed, and maybe in the last 4 years of living with her father she has got a different view of him than she did before. ( But I'm still betting on the fact that he probably paid for the day !)

Blossomsmum Sun 09-Sep-18 07:21:13

ALL her fathers side of the family were invited in to see it .

Blossomsmum Sun 09-Sep-18 07:26:11

More angry on my daughters behalf than ours . She put the kids first while her ex avoided any responsibility for them financially or otherwise including ignoring her pleas to help with their youngest who has ADHD .
Karma working where his sons are concerned as they refuse to have anything to do with him .

Blossomsmum Sun 09-Sep-18 07:26:55

Same age as I was when we got married .

Blossomsmum Sun 09-Sep-18 07:28:56

Daddy didn’t pay a penny toward the wedding , Her mum did and they paid the rest . They have their own house and both have good jobs .

Blossomsmum Sun 09-Sep-18 07:33:50

She hasn’t lived with her father for over two years and when she left it was because her stepmother made her life hell . She wasn’t able to use the washing machine , not allowed to cook and was expected to keep her room immaculate at all times . She was constantly here complaining bitterly that he was spineless and never tried to support her . She was also expected to pay her way while in college to a ridiculous extent .

NfkDumpling Sun 09-Sep-18 07:53:27

Perhaps you could have a calm, gentle word with your DGD. You don’t want this to fester more and cause a rift and she may not realise the hurt she has caused. Often those who do most and give most love are those taken for granted while those who do least are the ones who wheedle their way in. Where were her new husband’s family? They surely couldn’t have crammed in to see the signing too.

It was thoughtless of her to have done this but it mustn’t be allowed to wreck your future relationship. flowers

Blossomsmum Sun 09-Sep-18 08:25:02

Yes they were included , it’s a big vestry and they are not bothered that she is behaving in this way toward her mum as they are friendly with her father .
. It is as if her mum didn’t have a family and our family isn’t good enough for her . Even her aunts and uncles who have very good jobs including a dr and a solicitor were made to feel as one of them said “like poor relations invited on sufferance to the wedding of the lady of the manors wedding “
Unfortunately this isn’t the only time she has been horrible . She has told her older brother that he isn’t good enough to be part of her life ! He and his partner have a lovely home and three beautiful children and their father has completely ignored them and his grandchildren .
I am just bewildered how someone who was a loving , happy girl could turn into such a selfish little snob !
Anyway rant over . I am walking away from the situation with her . I am very fortunate in that I have many grandchildren who are lovely .

labazs Sun 09-Sep-18 08:39:19

been there with this one daddy is the so and so who did nothing then waltzes back in their life and he is mr wonderful. at the moment she is seeing him through rosey coloured glasses and though her behaviour was at least rude and at the most spiteful i am sure it was not done to be malicious but more carried away by this wonderful person one day i am sure she will feel ashamed of the way she acted

Blossomsmum Sun 09-Sep-18 08:48:39

Sadly I doubt if I will ever feel the same way about her ever again and certainly won’t trust her in future .

NfkDumpling Sun 09-Sep-18 08:56:11

labaz is right. And she's still young. The important thing is not to let it get you down and cause an unhealed rift.

NfkDumpling Sun 09-Sep-18 09:00:47

She's allowed herself to be overly influenced by her father's AND her husband's side just now. Give it time.

Hm999 Sun 09-Sep-18 09:17:32

Rebuild your relationship with yoir granddaughter for the future. Let your daughter vent to you. Help her rebuild her relationship with her daughter.

Blossomsmum Sun 09-Sep-18 09:41:25

Very little chance of my daughter letting her back into her life . She cut herself off from her older sister and brother years ago in her 30s and has stuck to that even though we have tried to mend the rift ( my daughter is one of our adopted children and it was an open adoption when she was 15 with her still seeing her siblings ) . If it comes to a choice between my daughter and granddaughter my daughter will be the winner .

Iam64 Sun 09-Sep-18 09:44:15

It's sad when the separation of parents leads to such distances between maternal and paternal sides of the family. I don't dispute your comments about the father doing little or nothing as the children grew up in saying that.
This bride is in today's terms, little more than a child herself. My generation were often married by age 18 but these days it's more likely to be ten years, or more, later than that.
It's most likely the bride has little if any idea how much distress this wedding has caused to her mothers side of the family.
It's up to you OP, if you feel your relationship with your granddaughter is over. I'm with those who say take a deep breath, wait a while and when the opportunity arises, help your daughter re-build the relationship with her daughter. I hope that's possible but realise it may not be.

cassandra264 Sun 09-Sep-18 09:59:58

labasz and Hm999 absolutely right in my opinion!

You might, perhaps, ask your grand-daughter to give you some (quiet and uninterrupted!) time to listen to your (gentle) explanation of how this whole situation has made you and her mother feel - and then leave it! Don't let her escalate it into an argument. You cannot tell her what to do - you can tell her how you feel. Hopefully, she will then mull over some of the things you have said - and as time goes on things will improve.

In his late teens my son chose to live with his (somewhat unreliable) father and father's new partner (more money/more fun there, apparently) which was very hurtful for me at the time. Friends said - don't worry - let it go - he'll learn!
He did. He knows now for certain from his own experience that I was the more dependable parent and says often that I was the one who was always there for him. If you don't allow a permanent split now, your grand-daughter will very likely come to see the same is true for you and her mother. Good luck flowers

Blossomsmum Sun 09-Sep-18 10:09:16

She knows exactly how much her actions have upset everyone and her attitude was that we were lucky to have been invited at all !
We were the ones that kept her relationship with her father alive while she was growing up , arranging contact , sorting out getting her and her brothers there even making sure that they had clothes and were fed when they were there
She knows that her father drove them away from their home in this area because he stalked her mum and broke into the house repeatedly. She knows that her grandfather sexually abused her fathers sisters and his photo was on the top table in a place of honour !
Her aunts and uncles bought her computer s and special equipment when she was at college because she is dyslexic . And that was when she was living with her father and he refused to help They took her to London for theatre for theatre trips , she was bridesmaid at their weddings , they have always been there for her .
I just don’t understand how she has become this person !

Coconut Sun 09-Sep-18 10:10:15

Speechless at this hurtful behaviour, has she been manipulated by her father knowing that this is the best way to get back at you all ? Def clear the air with her, try to build some bridges and ask her why etc that you can understand her decisions.

grandtanteJE65 Sun 09-Sep-18 10:29:31

Blossommum, you say you are going to walk away from this situation, and I think that is the most sensible thing you can do right now.

By the standards of our generation, a lot of the young people from age 18 - 40 are self-centred and inconsiderate of others, but I do clearly remember my mother telling me when I was 21 or 22 that my former school friends and I thought we knew it all and felt entitled to express our views, whether we hurt our parents or not!

The difference was that I, and I believe most of my contempories, felt hurt by such remarks from our mothers, apologised, even although we felt we really had no need to do so, and tried to not air views we knew were in direct opposition to our parents'. The present young generation gets angry rather than hurt if we say anything, and don't make any attempt to be conciliating.

I hope in time the young woman becomes wiser, more considerate, and realises she wants to know her mother and all her mother's side of the family.

I frankly don't think it will do one jot of good if you tell her how much she has hurt you all, but I must admit, I would find it hard not to do so in your place.