Gransnet forums


Feeling hurt

(14 Posts)
NanaCB Fri 14-Sep-18 05:17:50

My son lives on the other side of the world with our 10 year old grandson. His nearly ex wife has severe mental health problems which led to normal family life becoming impossible. Custody of their son is shared although my son always has to be ready to take full responsibility if she is going through a bad patch.

He has never been a great communicator but I have always felt particularly close to him as we are more alike in many ways than my more volatile husband and daughter. My husband and I have been very supportive emotionally and financially during the last few difficult years. At one point when things were particularly bad, we were prepared to drop everything and fly over to offer practical and emotional support for as long as he and our grandson needed us.

I found out last week from my daughter-in-law that he is seeing someone else which we were very happy to hear as he has had a lonely few years, estranged from his wife and away from his family. Then I found that my daughter knew all about this and again, I was fine with this as he can find it easier to discuss things with her than us. I now discover that my daughter has even met the new lady on FaceTime whereas we didn’t even know she existed! I know my son is a grown man and I don’t expect him to tell us everything but I am very hurt that he hasn’t shared this new situation with us. He knows how worried we’ve been and it would have been a great relief to have known that he has found long deserved happiness. He has suffered so much and I don’t want to add to this by letting him know how hurt I am. I know I just need to get over myself so thank you Gransnet for giving me the chance to express my feelings!

Liz46 Fri 14-Sep-18 06:12:51

Wise decision just to tell us NanaCB. I expect most of us have learned to keep our mouths shut, smile and be as supportive as possible when required. There could be all sorts of reasons why he did not tell you and it is more important to you than it is to him but he won't realise that.

Just be pleased that he has someone and look forward to eventually meeting her.

BlueBelle Fri 14-Sep-18 06:24:59

Oh dear NanaCB I understand you are feeling a bit left out but please don’t feel like this it’s really really to be expected that he would rather put his toe in the water with his sibling than with his parents He knows you have been helping him enormously and worry about him he probably at this stage isn’t sure it’s a lasting relationship and doesn’t want egg on his face or to upset you all over again if it doesn’t work out . If he’s back into dating he may want to see a few people and you can’t expect to be introduced to them all
You have spent a few years helping him (it’s not nice for an adult child to have to need help especially a man it will have zapped his confidence) he is obviously stronger now and will start to spread his wings again celebrate the fact he has a sibling to share things with, he will tell you all about it when he is ready he doesn’t want to fail again in your eyes
The fact he hasn’t told you is a sign he is becoming his own man again Be happy for him don’t taint it by feeling a bit niggled you aren’t yet in the know, it ll happen when he’s ready
Hope writing it down on here has helped

Marydoll Fri 14-Sep-18 07:06:10

Nan, I know you are feeling hurt, but be glad that he is finding happiness again.
As others have said, keep your hurt to yourself.
My daughter did the same thing.
She met someone at work, but he was a bit older and she was afraid that we wouldn't approve.
My son organised a meal at his home for her and her partner to meet the other siblings, without us knowing,. They just wanted to make sure all was well and her partner was also afraid we would not approve.
I was hurt when I found out, but I understand why they did it.
My daughter is now engaged and we love her partner like a son. I have never seen her so happy.We are just back from a lovely holiday with them and he treats her like a princess. (I'm so jealous! envy )

OldMeg Fri 14-Sep-18 07:39:00

Yes. Don’t be hurt. If he was living close by he might not bring his new partner round ‘to meet the parents’ for a while either. This is the Internet/FaceTime equivalent.

It took ages for me to first meet my present DIL, mainly bevause (I found out later) she was nervous.

Give them time

Grammaretto Fri 14-Sep-18 08:00:01

I think that's lovely. It shows what a close family you have that your ACs are close.
We all form our own relationships with people so it would have been a bit crowded had the new GF had to meet you all on line.

DanniRae Fri 14-Sep-18 09:49:47

I would feel the same as you, no doubt about that, but I agree with all the previous comments. Let him tell you about his new partner in his own good time and just be happy for him. May I say that when I read your post I thought that you sound like a really lovely family.

Missfoodlove Fri 14-Sep-18 10:01:48

I think it’s very normal for him to have introduced her to his sister first.
I would hazard a guess that he wanted to make sure the relationship had a future before telling Mum and Dad.

Anniebach Fri 14-Sep-18 10:08:46

Please don’t be hurt, it’s what siblings do. My elder daughter died last year, we were very close, after she died my younger daughter told me things they had discussed but not shared with me, even my funeral arrangements !

Your son will tell you when he is sure about this new relationship.

Jalima1108 Fri 14-Sep-18 10:59:12

Don't be hurt; I know my DC discuss things that we don't get to hear about (including discussing us).
Perhaps he was 'sounding out' his sister and didn't tell you until he was more sure of the relationship - not wanting to get your hopes up.

I hope everything works out for him - just be happy for him.

glammanana Fri 14-Sep-18 11:21:52

My 3 DCs always discuss things between themselves and never mention it to me or their dad I'm just glad they share between themselves and communicate well between themselves without worrying us.
I hope your son finds happiness with his new girlfriend and he gets settled once again.
He will soon introduce you to her once he is totally sure of the relationship,please don't be hurt. flowers

NanaCB Fri 14-Sep-18 14:05:20

I’m very touched by all your kind and comforting messages. It’s the first time I’ve ever posted on any forum and I’m so glad I did. I didn’t want to burden my husband and daughter with my worries which I can now see are without foundation. Thank you to all you lovely people who took the trouble to write.

Eglantine21 Fri 14-Sep-18 14:15:22

A bit different,but the same.

When I met the lover (some years after my husband had died) I kept him secret from my close family because I didn’t know how things would work out and I couldn’t have borne their being pleased and then having to tell them it had all gone belly up and them being sad for me all over again.

It’s like I was protecting them because I knew how much they cared about my happiness.

I did tell a couple of friends who I knew wouldn’t be upset themselves if things didn’t work out.

Perhaps your son and daughter have that kind of supportive but not so emotionally involved relationship?

Dont be sad. Its actually a measure of how much he cares for you and doesn’t want you to be upset.

Oh dear how complicated families are.

NanaCB Sat 15-Sep-18 15:05:37

Sorry for the delay in responding to your post Eglantine but I’m away from home and I keep losing connection to the server. It’s good to hear from another side of the story and I appreciate your comments.

You’re spot on about my son and daughter’s relationship. I am indeed lucky as others have said, that they have each other even though they’re separated by half a world.