Feeling hurt

Sorry for the delay in responding to your post Eglantine but I’m away from home and I keep losing connection to the server. It’s good to hear from another side of the story and I appreciate your comments.

You’re spot on about my son and daughter’s relationship. I am indeed lucky as others have said, that they have each other even though they’re separated by half a world.

A bit different,but the same.

When I met the lover (some years after my husband had died) I kept him secret from my close family because I didn’t know how things would work out and I couldn’t have borne their being pleased and then having to tell them it had all gone belly up and them being sad for me all over again.

It’s like I was protecting them because I knew how much they cared about my happiness.

I did tell a couple of friends who I knew wouldn’t be upset themselves if things didn’t work out.

Perhaps your son and daughter have that kind of supportive but not so emotionally involved relationship?

Dont be sad. Its actually a measure of how much he cares for you and doesn’t want you to be upset.

Oh dear how complicated families are.

I’m very touched by all your kind and comforting messages. It’s the first time I’ve ever posted on any forum and I’m so glad I did. I didn’t want to burden my husband and daughter with my worries which I can now see are without foundation. Thank you to all you lovely people who took the trouble to write.

My 3 DCs always discuss things between themselves and never mention it to me or their dad I'm just glad they share between themselves and communicate well between themselves without worrying us.
I hope your son finds happiness with his new girlfriend and he gets settled once again.
He will soon introduce you to her once he is totally sure of the relationship,please don't be hurt.

Don't be hurt; I know my DC discuss things that we don't get to hear about (including discussing us).
Perhaps he was 'sounding out' his sister and didn't tell you until he was more sure of the relationship - not wanting to get your hopes up.

I hope everything works out for him - just be happy for him.

Please don’t be hurt, it’s what siblings do. My elder daughter died last year, we were very close, after she died my younger daughter told me things they had discussed but not shared with me, even my funeral arrangements !

Your son will tell you when he is sure about this new relationship.

I think it’s very normal for him to have introduced her to his sister first.
I would hazard a guess that he wanted to make sure the relationship had a future before telling Mum and Dad.

I would feel the same as you, no doubt about that, but I agree with all the previous comments. Let him tell you about his new partner in his own good time and just be happy for him. May I say that when I read your post I thought that you sound like a really lovely family.

I think that's lovely. It shows what a close family you have that your ACs are close.
We all form our own relationships with people so it would have been a bit crowded had the new GF had to meet you all on line.

Yes. Don’t be hurt. If he was living close by he might not bring his new partner round ‘to meet the parents’ for a while either. This is the Internet/FaceTime equivalent.

It took ages for me to first meet my present DIL, mainly bevause (I found out later) she was nervous.

Give them time

Nan, I know you are feeling hurt, but be glad that he is finding happiness again.
As others have said, keep your hurt to yourself.
My daughter did the same thing.
She met someone at work, but he was a bit older and she was afraid that we wouldn't approve.
My son organised a meal at his home for her and her partner to meet the other siblings, without us knowing,. They just wanted to make sure all was well and her partner was also afraid we would not approve.
I was hurt when I found out, but I understand why they did it.
My daughter is now engaged and we love her partner like a son. I have never seen her so happy.We are just back from a lovely holiday with them and he treats her like a princess. (I'm so jealous! )

Oh dear NanaCB I understand you are feeling a bit left out but please don’t feel like this it’s really really to be expected that he would rather put his toe in the water with his sibling than with his parents He knows you have been helping him enormously and worry about him he probably at this stage isn’t sure it’s a lasting relationship and doesn’t want egg on his face or to upset you all over again if it doesn’t work out . If he’s back into dating he may want to see a few people and you can’t expect to be introduced to them all
You have spent a few years helping him (it’s not nice for an adult child to have to need help especially a man it will have zapped his confidence) he is obviously stronger now and will start to spread his wings again celebrate the fact he has a sibling to share things with, he will tell you all about it when he is ready he doesn’t want to fail again in your eyes
The fact he hasn’t told you is a sign he is becoming his own man again Be happy for him don’t taint it by feeling a bit niggled you aren’t yet in the know, it ll happen when he’s ready
Hope writing it down on here has helped
?

Wise decision just to tell us NanaCB. I expect most of us have learned to keep our mouths shut, smile and be as supportive as possible when required. There could be all sorts of reasons why he did not tell you and it is more important to you than it is to him but he won't realise that.

Just be pleased that he has someone and look forward to eventually meeting her.