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DD is refusing to let me see DGS

(24 Posts)
DeedeeG1970 Thu 20-Sep-18 14:40:28

I am a newish GM but I haven't seen my gs for over 9 months, I was at the Hospital when gs was born and I stay with my DD after his birth as she had had a cesarean long story short, Things have been non-existent between me and dd since Christmas. I have mental health issues I have had for many years, my DD was my carer from the age of 13 she is now 31, I am a single Mum and my DD is my world, she moved away from me (I live in Scotland, She moved back to England) which was an issue of its own due to a fall out, I was gutted as she was just weeks from giving birth, but other things between me and family/friends were upsetting me all at the same time, My mental health means I need planning or forewarning if a change is about to happen, My SIL wanted me to go home and let him spend Christmas alone with his new family without going into too many details the festive season is a big deal between me and my DD, during a phone call I got very angry and took all my frustration out on my DD and told her to delete me out of her life, which she did, I have apologized but I already know it will take so much more than sorry to fix this, I desperately want to see her and my gs as its nearly his 1st Birthday I have been sending cards and letters down to her and my SIL all year but she refuses my request because I asked for this.. What can I do, I have never been sorrier about anything that I am over this

OldMeg Thu 20-Sep-18 14:51:58

Deedee you have to back off. Your daughter is now a mother and her child comes before you. That’s really hard to accept I know.

Write or text or email her and apologise. Do not ask to see her or your GS. In fact say that you completely understand her point of view and you are prepared to wait until they are ready to see you again.

JudyJudy12 Thu 20-Sep-18 15:51:08

I do feel for you and realise how upsetting this must be, I know it is not your fault that you have mental health issues.
However living with somebody with a mental health condition is draining and very difficult. Your daughter has now put her husband and son first after caring for you for a very long time.

You must give her space, leave her alone or she will feel guilty and stressed. Let this be her happy time.

Find support yourself and become a bit less needy then she may come round in future.

M0nica Thu 20-Sep-18 16:06:08

I think if someone very close to me told me to delete them from my life, even given that it is known I have mental health issues, I would be very wary and very slow to include them back in, just because they apologised, especially if I had young children. Apologies can be very easy things to say. Reading your email I deduce that as much as your DD means to you, your relationship has always been volatile.

Your DD is probably very worried about the your relationship with her children. A grandparent, who can say the kind of things you did in a fit of anger, can be worrying and destabilising for children. As OldMeg said, you need to back off, allow a breathing space.

Your SiL's request for Christmas was very reasonable. Once a child has a partner and children of their own, previous Christmas traditions go by the board as they make their own version of Christmas. For some of us it means very little change, but for others it means a complete change and we have to accept this. Your SiL also wants to protect his wife and family and if your presence upsets his wife he is going to want to protect her from you.

I think you should perhaps seek counselling appropriate for your mental condition to help you talk through your whole relationship with your daughter and understand how your problems have affected her and how to move slowly to a hoped-for reconciliation.

DeedeeG1970 Thu 20-Sep-18 16:46:46

I have been seeing various medical professionals for over 19 years, my relationship with my DD was closer than close, at times we were hard to infiltrate by others especially the medicals wishing to help if my DD disapproved of them for whatever reason, my ex H blamed her for destroying our relationship, my DD came 1st always, I know and fully understand I have hurt her and I do acknowledge sorry just doesn't cut it this time.

DeedeeG1970 Thu 20-Sep-18 16:49:07

Just to explain how close I was to my DD The song Wind beneath my wings is my son to her. her's for me is How Can Anyone by Elaine Silver

Anniebach Thu 20-Sep-18 17:32:08

I am so sorry you are distressed, you need to get medical help, for your sake and for your daughter.

Think of the words of ‘Wind beneath my Wind ,

“ it must have been cold there in my shadow,
To never have sunlight on your face,
You were content to let me shine “

It’s so wrong sorry, your daughter should be the one with sunlight on her face. A daughter shouldn’t live in her mothers shadow. Let your daughter fly, let her be free please. Let her live her life whilst you get help so you can live your life .

I do hope you will do this

sodapop Thu 20-Sep-18 17:32:09

I'm sorry things have turned out this way Deedee I can only reiterate what others have said. Get some professional support for your mental health problems, try a support group.
Your daughter needs some space now and for you to be less dependent now she has a child.
Hopefully things will improve if she feels less stressed by your behaviour. I wish you well.

notanan2 Thu 20-Sep-18 19:14:06

Your DDs strength/resilience to deal with/manage your behaviour/issues will be at an all time low with a new baby.

The baby is the focus now, things cant be planned around you right now.

In a few months when the baby is less new, she will be able to cope with more and may be able to work around you too again, but right now she has to focus on her recovery and adjusting to being a mum and she cant make the kinds of allowances you need from her

notanan2 Thu 20-Sep-18 19:20:03

She needs to not be your support system right now. You need to find other ways of having your needs met.

Once you do that, you will be able to just be her mum and LOs gran.

I know that that is stupidly simplistic and support for mental health issues cant be whipped out of thin air

But she has to find her feet with her baby now, and whether or not you find support elsewhere, she cant be it!

It'll be harder for her, having been a child-carer, to settle into normal family life with her little family. Your SIL is right to be protective and to tell you they needed space.

FarNorth Thu 20-Sep-18 19:39:02

Just weeks from giving birth, your DD was so upset that she moved from Scotland to England.
She was reconciled with you at the time of the birth, then there was a huge argument about Xmas, when you told her to delete you from her life.

Having done that, your DD has probably realised that she doesn't have the emotional strength to go back into a clearly volatile relationship with you, now that she has a baby to look after.

Your mental health problems are not your fault but your DD can't be expected to continue to deal with them, especially if (as seems possible) they might affect her own and her family's mental health.

Stop asking for renewed contact and let her know that you wish her well and will always love her.
Leave the door open for her to contact you, if she wishes.

I hope, also, that you can find help for your mental health problems.

M0nica Thu 20-Sep-18 23:11:06

I think DeeDeeG1970, it is a question of having loved, not wisely, but too well. A relationship with your daughter as close as you describe, almost always ends in tears.

muffinthemoo Fri 21-Sep-18 01:08:20

Deedee, has someone else been taking a caring role for you since DD moved?

Have you got support from other folk apart from her?

Willow500 Fri 21-Sep-18 06:55:51

What a sorry situation for all of you. Your daughter will naturally be torn between wanting to continue caring for you after all these years but also looking to her own new baby and husband and has rightly made the decision her own family come first. Her husband obviously is concerned for her welfare and that of his new baby. Unfortunately as others have said this means you need to find other support networks to help you and allow them time to adjust to their new way of life with a child of their own. You have done all you can for now by way of apologies but need to leave them alone for the dust to settle and eventually hopefully you will be welcomed back but life will never be the same again - it can't be as there is now a new little person who comes first with his parents.

I know how difficult it is to find help for mental health issues - you've obviously been battling with this for many years. Do you have other support organisations around you who you can talk to and friends who can help?

BlueBelle Fri 21-Sep-18 07:20:13

Whilst I feel for you Deedee I really do feel for your daughter more, the relationship you describe between you and your daughter sounds so stifling and unhealthy it seems to have broken up your marriage and got between you and professional help on occasions you relied on her and her alone from 13 far too much
You have had mental health help for 19 years but say we were hard to infiltrate by others especially the medicals It sounds as if you may have rejected help you badly needed

You’re daughter has found a partner and obviously can’t manage a new husband, a baby and YOU Unfortunately the cloying situation the two of you had has probably meant neither of you had friends or a life outside each other and that’s truely unhealthy
Everyone on here is right leave her alone, definitely send the little man a present for his forthcoming birthday but otherwise start to build your life without her it’s a big shock to the system for you but you have to accept help from others and rebuild your life without your daughter you cannot live with only one person in your life whether you have mental health issues or not

Anniebach Fri 21-Sep-18 09:14:55

DeeDee, I am troubled for you. My husband died when my daughters were 5 and 7. My girls and I were very close. Especially the elder one, she was my best friend. For the past ten years she was so ill, I hoped she would recover, she died last November.

I am telling you this because I want you to get help, you will get stronger with help and in time can be reconciled with your daughter, you have hope, please get help , do this for yourself, your daughter, your grandchild , be a Mum for her. X

seacliff Fri 21-Sep-18 09:30:31

Poor daughter has had a lot to put up with over the years, and quite rightly is now putting her new child and partner first.

You now need to get on with your life without her, for now. Build up a life you're proud and happy with, try and make friends and enjoy your life. Seek support initially from your GP if needed. You can't depend on her anymore.

Things may improve with her in a year or so, if she sees you have made efforts and are in control of your own life.

humptydumpty Fri 21-Sep-18 10:32:46

You should be proud of the fact that your DD has had the independence and strength to move from her very close relationship with you to an independent relationship as a wife and mother. Please do not stifle her, follow the wise advise on this thread, you need to take a step back now, let her enjoy her new life, and find other support. Good luck.

freestyle Mon 24-Sep-18 11:52:40

I’m sorry for your situation but our children are not supposed to take on the role of the parent your daughter has done enough. having said that I do believe she should let you into her life. You should get the help you need and that needs to start straight away. Every relationship has boundaries and on each side they need to be respected. It infuriates me when a mother says my daughter is my best friend No she isn’t she is your daughter end off. Everyone has a right to live their life for themselves not for someone else. Good luck to you all.

DIL17 Mon 24-Sep-18 15:34:01

Your DD is putting her family first. He husband and child are now her main family unit and that's something you need to adjust too.

I think it's fair for your son-in-law to want to spend christmas with just his wife and child. It's about them as a family making their own traditions and memories.

It sounds like you don't want to let go of DD and still crave her full time attention, but by doing that you're pushing her away.

alchemilla Thu 27-Sep-18 17:53:51

OP I'm sorry to hear of your continued troubles.

But your post is a bit confusing. So your daughter, who'd looked after you for 18 or so years, moved from Scotland to England in autumn last year after a row with you? She had her baby before last Christmas, and you were able to go down and help her while she recovered from the Caesarean.

You then left reluctantly before Christmas because SiL requested it but you had a huge row with her about it and told her to delete her out of your life?

OP what help are you getting for your MH? That's two massive life-changing rows in less than 6 months. As other PPs have said, help is hard to access but you need to push for it. Only when you feel you've achieved some sort of equilibrium can you think of seeing your daughter and her family again. You have all my sympathy after such a close time with your DD, but she must have been hugely stalwart. I would leave it to presents at Christmas and birthdays and cards - no other contact until she initiates it.

Day6 Thu 27-Sep-18 18:13:03

Anniebach - your daughter should be the one with sunlight on her face. A daughter shouldn’t live in her mothers shadow. Let your daughter fly, let her be free please. Let her live her life whilst you get help so you can live your life

Spot on Annie and moving words too.

I suspect many mothers know what it is to lose the closeness once a daughter forms a relationship, becomes a mother, and how it hurts to let go even more. For most of us, relationships with our children change over the years and we do have to let them go, make mistakes, live their own lives without our interference or indeed guidance and opinions, unless they are asked for. It's a difficult thing to do but we adjust. How hard it is to let go of our children but our work is over once they become adults. The love remains though.

Deedee yourdaughter cannot continue to be your rock or your support. It is unfair to expect that of her now she is a mother.

Your relationship sounds like it might have been too close maybe, and volatile because of it?

By your own admission, you have made mistakes and you cannot blame her or her family for excluding you now. They do not want the upset, or the responsibility for your mental health problems at this time. Please do go and get help. If you are more in control of your emotions and feelings and become more stable the door to reconciliation might open slightly. You cannot force it.

I am sorry you are feeling this pain. I do hope things improve for you. Take care of yourself for now. flowers

DeedeeG1970 Fri 28-Sep-18 11:22:06

I am getting help and have been for the last 10 months, I am seeing a Psychologist I saw 6 years ago, though my treatment is very much an ongoing thing, I have been on the same medication for a number of years, My personal day to day life is barely classed as living, I merely exist, My DD took on the role of carer, I didn't and have never asked her too, She decided that by her self. I HAVE many times asked her to just be my DD, My relationship with my DD has NEVER been volatile ever. She has always been just amazing, Motherhood has been a constant joy with her, she never got into trouble with the police, she never did drugs she didn't go out much, she was rarely grounded, I was a gymslip mum, a single mum, but I couldn't have asked for a better child to raise. She was a St John Ambulance cadet, with many certificates, my DD is her own person, I have never had to coerce her to do anything she didn't want to do. I didn't ask her to be a young carer, she did that by herself.

Eglantine21 Fri 28-Sep-18 12:18:35

I was a young carer to my mother who had physical disabilities. She did everything possible to make sure I didn’t see myself as her carer, and gave me all the opportunities that were possible. I don’t think I even thought of myself as a carer. I was just the person who did things that she couldn’t do, like helping her to get dressed, feeding her, doing the shopping.

I think it was only when I became a mum that I realised that this wasn’t how most mother/child relationships worked and how very different my growing up had been. She never said you can’t but there were decisions I made independently about my life that were based on her needs.

She never even knew about most of the things that I turned down because I knew she needed me. From saying no to being in the school hockey team to no to the boyfriend who wanted to me to go to Canada.

I made those decisions for myself, I did it for love and I don’t regret it but I know it made me fiercely determined that my children should enjoy the freedom that I never realised I didn’t have.

Maybe motherhood has made your daughter realise that her life has been very restricted and she wants something very different for her own child?

I think the time has come to realise that she can’t meet your needs any more.
If you can let her go without bitterness, be happy for her, just maintain occasional contact, she may be able to find a way back.